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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I keep trying?

31 replies

Harleyhut · 04/01/2021 21:31

Hi all, New here!

I’m currently having major relationship problems and don’t know what to do.

Around 3-4months ago I found out my DP had been texting an ‘old friend’. I found the messages on his phone (no judgment please for being a snooper). The messages from her were rather sexually suggestive, his not so much but he also never stopped it. He has been genuinely remorseful and very open since, allowing me full access to his phone/Facebook/WhatsApp etc. as we decided to try and move on from it.

My issue is that I am seriously struggling to put this behind me due to the lying and sneaking around and constantly feel so paranoid. Ultimately it’s pushing us further and further apart and he’s getting to a point he can’t cope with my frequent meltdowns.

My question is, if anyone has been in a similar situation, does it get better and how did you manage to put it behind you and stop the constant thoughts in your head?
Am I trying to fight to keep something that’s already over?

OP posts:
Angrymum22 · 04/01/2021 22:24

I went through something similar over lockdown. It has not been easy but I have forgiven (not forgotten). “Old friend” had not been completely truthful about her situation, a stark and abrupt reminder of why she is an ex. The trouble with SM is that you can fabricate and filter your life to suit the situation. But it will always come back to bite you.
We had a big normal row today with no mention of ‘her’ so we are getting back to normal. DH knows that I have always been able to walk away from out relation if I want to. At the moment I have a very unhappy teenager to deal with who was apoplectic about today’s announcement. I’m not about to wreck his life further.

Original poster
Harleyhut · 04/01/2021 22:52

@Angrymum22 thanks for replying.
I am trying to move on but the details and specifics constantly keep popping into my head and although part of me believes it was a one off and not ongoing there’s little niggles that make me question absolutely everything.
Have you managed to find a way of dealing with the little niggles? Or does it just get easier over time?

OP posts:
C0NNIE · 04/01/2021 23:10

Am I trying to fight to keep something that’s already over?

Yes I’m afraid you are. If he didn’t like the chat with the old friend he would have stopped it before you found out. He wasn’t ‘remorseful’ until he was found out, was he?

Original poster
Harleyhut · 05/01/2021 20:40

@C0NNIE completely understand what you are saying. All of that has went through my head so many times. The messages sent by him didn’t say too much and he says he was flattered by the attention of the things she was saying. I just don’t know if it’s something we can come back from. I know straight up I would have walked away if he was responding with similar chat but I feel different because he wasn’t.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 05/01/2021 20:43

Why do you want to push aside your feelings of discomfort due to your partner lying to you? Do you not think that people should feel uncomfortable when they realise their partner can't be trusted?

Lemonpiano · 05/01/2021 20:45

What do you mean by frequent meltdowns?

Original poster
Harleyhut · 05/01/2021 21:03

@Eckhart I don’t want to push those feelings aside, I want to try and find a way of dealing with them without letting them over consume me and allowing it to end in massive arguments while we are trying to rebuild the trust. This is what I sort of mean by meltdowns also @Lemonpiano. I’m letting every little thought escalate into something much bigger, even though I know I’m being completely irrational most of the time.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 05/01/2021 21:15

Why do you think your instincts don't mean anything, here? Your own natural response to him currently, is to have meltdowns. Do you often have meltdowns for no reason at all? Do you do that with other people in your life?

C0NNIE · 05/01/2021 21:29

What do you think your feelings are telling you OP?

Original poster
Harleyhut · 05/01/2021 21:54

@Eckhart I feel I’m having meltdowns towards him because everything is getting bottled up. I haven’t spoken to anyone else about this so haven’t really had an outlet to vent since it all began and he’s just always in the firing line as a result.

@C0NNIE I know I want things to get back to how they were before. I have no doubt about that. Yes, he made a mistake by hiding this and even entertaining her but he has held his hands up and took full responsibility as he should. From his end I don’t think there’s anything he could do different. He’s given me full access to his phone and social media which includes mornings, before he’s even had a chance to go on it. The problem is, I’m a terrible over thinker so the smallest of things seem huge and after I’ve had time to calm down and actually think about it I realise how mental it seems. Don’t get me wrong, I am still so angry at him and I think that shows a lot.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/01/2021 21:58

Do you really want to live like this? Paranoid and having no trust in your partner? I would be moving on and quickly.

Lozzerbmc · 05/01/2021 22:00

Why were you looking in the first place - did you suspect him of something? Do you think you can trust him again? I have been through something similar and its quite hard to get past it.

Mintlegs · 05/01/2021 22:03

Red flags I’m afraid. Your self esteem will be impacted. Don’t be a doormat. He didn’t come to you with this, you found it. He was enjoying it by engaging. Do you really need this man in your life?

Angrymum22 · 05/01/2021 22:09

Nothing wrong with meltdowns. It takes time to process what has happened and the insecurity and doubt comes in waves. DH anticipated my meltdowns and encouraged me to talk about it. He found it uncomfortable but realised that bottling it up was not a good sign. I haven’t had a meltdown for a few weeks and the last one was more an “I told you so” because he discovered the truth about her current situation.
I think he is a little worried that I haven’t had a wobble recently, but I could see the total relief in his face when we had a normal row a couple of days ago.

DeeCeeCherry · 05/01/2021 22:11

Please stop describing yourself as "irrational" OP. Your trust has been broken and it's absolutely down to your partner to make you feel reassured in every way that he possibly can.

If he'd done this is enough you wouldn't be having "meltdowns". He should bite his lip when you do have these episodes, understand why, and do his best to make you feel better. He broke your trust.

It was hardly going to be a smooth road after he was found out was it? What did he think would happen then?

He "can't cope?" Who does he think he is? He coped with receiving and encouraging flirty messages behind your back until he was found out, so he can "cope" with this now can't he?

He wants to be wrong and strong and I'm not sure, this being the case, that your relationship can come back from this. It may fizzle out eventually.

& If/when it does, know that after you've done with grieving sadness crying and stress, things absolutely do get better. Especially without untrustworthy people messing with your head.

& He's not the last man on earth..

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/01/2021 22:21

he has held his hands up and took full responsibility as he should

He didn't "hold his hands up" though did he? Instead you found out about something which would probably have continued had you not

You've not mentioned how long you've been togethet (?) or if there are children, but at least you're not married to him so I'd be out

Eckhart · 05/01/2021 22:31

OK. So, what happens when you have a meltdown? You need to identify the specific trigger. It's quite hard, because you have to be fully aware JUST before you blow.

I would bet a million pounds that whenever you blow, it's because he's done something or said something that makes you feel like he's not listening to you. I would bet that you could scream right in his face, every time, 'YOU'RE NOT FUCKING LISTENING TO ME!!!', and it would express your feelings in that moment perfectly.

There's a reason things are getting bottled up. It's not because you need to calm yourself down, it's because you are trying really hard to stay with someone who doesn't value you, your feelings, or your words.

Eekay · 05/01/2021 22:34

Trust your instincts, not him.

Eckhart · 05/01/2021 22:38

Another way of putting it would be that in a healthy relationship, you would be feeling encouraged to express your feelings, even if they were irrational, by your partner. You would not be feeling that you should bottle them up.

longcoffeebreak · 05/01/2021 23:48

What kind of messages were they from her and to her? How far did they cross the line? I personally think that is important in whether you can move on. For me a bit of mild flirting would be upsetting but if I thought there was no intent I could overlook it.

MrsHemsworthinmydreams · 06/01/2021 00:36

I’ve had some experience of this via a friend unfortunately. Is she single? Has he actually seen her or was it just texts? You mention sneaking around...I’ve heard of similar happening with old girlfriends after years especially when young due to some sort of strong attachments made in formative years, it can be very powerful. Were they ever in a relationship? It sounds like bottling it up is not a good strategy and it’s only been a few months so I say you should keep letting it out! How about some counselling? Think you can have it on line? Both of you or just for you if needed might help. If you had a good relationship beforehand I think it’s worth persevering.

BaskingMad · 06/01/2021 00:42

In short, yes. And i only got halfway reading to the point where he took money from kids money boxes.
This is dead end, get out. That’s the long and short of it.

BaskingMad · 06/01/2021 00:42

Wrong thread, sorry!

londonscalling · 06/01/2021 05:22

Sorry if I've missed this, but how king have you been together? This might make a difference to how well you truly know him or whether you think you should stay and work things out!

Rainbowqueeen · 06/01/2021 05:29

I’d reread @DeeCeeCherry post over and over.
Remember your feelings are valid.