Should I keep trying?

[Harleyhut]

Hi all, New here!

I’m currently having major relationship problems and don’t know what to do.

Around 3-4months ago I found out my DP had been texting an ‘old friend’. I found the messages on his phone (no judgment please for being a snooper). The messages from her were rather sexually suggestive, his not so much but he also never stopped it. He has been genuinely remorseful and very open since, allowing me full access to his phone/Facebook/WhatsApp etc. as we decided to try and move on from it.

My issue is that I am seriously struggling to put this behind me due to the lying and sneaking around and constantly feel so paranoid. Ultimately it’s pushing us further and further apart and he’s getting to a point he can’t cope with my frequent meltdowns.

My question is, if anyone has been in a similar situation, does it get better and how did you manage to put it behind you and stop the constant thoughts in your head?
Am I trying to fight to keep something that’s already over?

Get rid it him

I forgave the first time, and the second, and the third came as I was packing up our lives to start a new life abroad. I think this completely blind sided me and I wasn't in a state to even process it and carried on. We are now all back together abroad (thanks corona), and I found more messages. Messages from a girl I had queried him about and who was 'just a friend'. Said 'friend' had been told by my husband that I was his ex (we had just returned from our honeymoon).

Tread very carefully. For some people it can and will be a one off. For others it is a pattern of behaviour. From what you have said it sounds like he didn't want to hurt her by shutting it down. This is a massive cock up on his behalf as his loyalty and the only persons feelings he should have considered was you.

Same here. New colleague not an old friend, roughly as long ago as you. Totally blindsided. Though the messages weren't sexual, they were mildly flirty and, importantly, far too regular to be passed off as just friendly banter. They were also kept secret from me and he felt ashamed so needed to hide them.

She was slowly trying to push his boundaries and was succeeding until I called time after realising he was acting oddly/guiltily.

I was initially disbelieving and even tried to be understanding that he had met someone he clicked so well with but my gut was right. He has admitted now that it wasn't as plain as "just friends" (after 6 weeks of denial that even included accepting a social media request from her after me finding out!). She was obviously making moves on him, he didn't back off and even encouraged / initiated mildly flirty messaging one night when I wasn't in. He says it was at this last part that he knew something was wrong but just didnt want to admit it to himself/was enjoying he attention and convinced himself it was fine to continue "being friends" and even kept messaging in order to prove this to himself . He thought that by pretending nothing was wrong then nothing could be wrong, hence continuing to be "friends" with her and accepting her on social media. But he also felt guilty. This was over what are ostensibly innocuous messages but I could see (and he could too) that the subtext was much more; the whole much greater than the sum of its parts. This is why he got secretive/defensive and all "just friends" on me. We are slowly unpacking it and I'm leaving no stone unturned.

We are in therapy, I'm still having trigger moments and meltdowns, he was having tantrums too initially (caused by guilt and defensiveness, I think) but is dealing better with things now and trying to open up. We have found writing to eachother helpful. I'm trying to be understanding that this is a process for him too, which is very difficult sometimes and I dont always manage to keep my cool. Luckily he is also being understanding of that so we are mostly supporting one another now instead of having raging arguments (never a feature of our relationship prior to this).

I would treat this as seriously as anything else tbh, if you don't then he'll think this (and possibly more) is permissable and you will be hurt again. It's about the intent, dishonesty and disrespect at the end of the day, not the actual messages. So stand your ground and do yourself justice. He needs to accommodate your feelings on this, not the other way around. It is not just about not doing it again, it is about thoroughly getting to the bottom of what has happened, how and why he has hurt you, and him repairing the damage he has caused you and doing work on himself so that that can never ever happen again. It will take a long time and a lot of effort. If he's not up to that then you have your answer.

Oh and she had begun more sexual/sexuality talk with him over work drinks, talking about "her type", sexual preferences, her relationship history, etc. Luckily he came home and told me this (though again he was still naive about what was happening here and even told me I didn't need to worry as he didn't sound like her type! (Yes, darling, getting you ti measure yourself next to "her type" is exactly what she wanted you to do!). Also I saw a pic her ex on social media and he looks nothing like the fantasy man she described to him and a lot more like my OH... go figure! Who knows where it would have ended up, but I'm not playing games and simply putting my foot down. You should too in my opinion. It is cheating, even if it isn't physical, he needs to confront what he has done.

Thanks for all the replies.
We’ve been together little over 4 years. Like most couples we’ve had our ups and down but for the best part it’s been good and when we’re things are okay we’re really good together. The last year had been difficult due to COVID and due to our jobs were seeing a lot less of each other.

It was purely messaging. She lives a few hundred miles away where he lived around 6 years ago so would be difficult for them to meet. Nothing physical has ever happened between them either and they didn’t even have any contact until just before this last year. I know this because I confronted her when I found out. He has blocked her on social media and I can see the date so I know he hasn’t unblocked her at any point.
I understand people do sometimes make mistakes and this is a colossal fuck up on his part. I know outright if he had been saying anything back to her or I thought there was any intention there I would have walked away straight away. I am in a fortunate enough situation that staying with him is not something I need to do. I don’t want to throw away the years we’ve spent together and everything we’ve worked hard for. I know some will say he didn’t care about that and trust me I have screamed that in his face many a time.

To the ladies with similar experiences, thank you for sharing and thanks for the tips/advice on how we can try and get through this.

Good luck OP. I would still like to see some independent introspection from him if it was me. Not a brush under the carpet "it was stupid, wont happen again, she lives too far away anyway".

Be honest with yourself about what you need from him to move on, and tell him. I spent too long trying not to be "that" partner, the nagging insecure one and even started to support the friendship for a bit, asking more about her in a nice way etc to try and be a good spouse. He even suggested having some of his work folk round to ours and I presume this would have included her. This was while he was still in denial and trying to convince me there was nothing at all in the texting and he had never got a romantic/more than friends vibe from her (he has since admitted this was a lie, he had clocked it and on one occasion really lent into it for the guaranteed attention he would recieve).

What I'm saying is that I tried to be too accommodating at the start when in my heart of hearts I knew the friendship with her needed to end for our relationship to continue. Aside from being willing to reel in my OH and likely to keep pressing his buttons, she was one big trigger for me about all his lies, denial, selfishness and lack of thought for me. Our therapist asked straight out, "what do you think you need to move on?" and my answer, through tears and without judging myself, was "for her to be gone. Totally gone from his life and our lives". That is absolutely the request of an insecure/demanding partner - because with her in our lives our relationship was insecure and I needed to demand better treatment and more support! So I'm owning that insecurity and I'm proud I demanded better from him. It's entirely reasonable and just that I shouldn't have to put up with an iota more with regard to the woman in question. It was such a relief to admit that and actually have it validated by the counsellor and then agreed to by my OH. He finally put me first.

You may have different needs here. I just want to remind you to be honest with yourself about them and not to feel bad for what you need. Don't try to play cool if it's eating you up. You are still posting here months later despite him granting access to devices etc.

So what do you think you need to move on?