Rekindling old love

[sungoddess21]

This is my first post here.... looking for some advice

I've known a man for 15 years, we've always had attraction for each other, but were never single at the same time. In 2011 I was separated from my husband and we started talking. We developed this intense, very real, love but it was over distance. We continued doing this for 2 years and fell harder and harder for each other. It was 100% real love and he makes me feel a way no one else ever has. After some family pressure and deep thoughts I decided to give my marriage another try. I knew it wasn't the same love, I knew he wasn't the love of my life, but I felt obligated to do so. I cut contact with the other man for 5 years.

In that time I tried hard to work at my marriage. We went through many tough times and have two babies now. I have not been happy with my husband for a long, long time. He's wonderful, stable and consistent but there is zero sexual attraction or chemistry. We haven't slept in the same bed for years, and are just roommates. I am turning 35 this year and I want to make changes. I don't want to settle and I don't want to look back in another 10 years and wish I had of changed more.

I contacted the man I love. The man I consider my true love. We started innocently and just got to know each other but we quickly fell back into our old ways. I decided I needed to tell my husband I need to be separated and that I'm not happy and don't see myself with him anymore. We have another place that we take turns going to.

In the past 2 months my ex and I have talked, gotten closer. We both feel the same way about each other. We love each other, we know there is no one else like the other. He has been single since we stopped talking last, and wants to settle down and be with the person he loves.

The problem is there is still distance between us - both physically and emotionally. I find he is very hot and cold with me. He says he loves me, and I'm the one for him, but then he doesn't text me for a few days. He's been honest and told me he's struggling with me just coming back into his life after this long. He's not handling it well. So I'm trying to be understanding and give him space.

I'm ready to move on. I'm working on myself, and I know what I want in a relationship now. There is no rush or pressure, but I find that I'm back at square one and feeling all the insecurities with him. When I ended things with him and went back to my marriage I thought he would hate me forever, I thought I would never be able to tell him about my children. I never thought I would be here, falling in love with him all over again. He knows everything and what I'm going through, and says that the option of us being together one day is on the table. He wants to explore that and see what happens, but then I don't hear from him for a few days.

Am I overthinking things? Do I just need to give him the space he needs?

It’s not and never was ‘real love’ if it was clandestine, long distance and mainly text based op, sorry.

You need to sort out ending your marriage properly before getting into a new thing. If that means going no contact with this other man, you need to do that. You cannot focus properly on the practicalities with assets and children etc if in your head you’re off living a fantasy life with a man you barely know.

Sorry, op, but you have deluded yourself into thinking you ever had or have a real relationship with this man. You simply have not. This is a relationship fueled by fantasy and wishful thinking.

Agree with pp, you need to focus on the here and now and sort out your divorce.

We've seen each other many, many times but yes it was mainly phone calls, facetime and text.

I agree it's definitely fantasy as we've never been through the "hard stuff" of a marriage but we've been through a lot and always worked it out. I know I broke his heart when I ended things and I know he's keeping me at a distance for now.

But I 100% believe this is true love. I have never felt the way I feel about him. We both feel it when we're together.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve even dated properly. When’s the last time you saw him in person? This sounds like some big fantasy in your head, I’m sorry but it does. You don’t really know him.

Why not end your marriage, be on your own and see how it goes from there? Why do you need to have him "locked down" before you make the jump?

If I was him, I'd be very wary of you as well. So prove you mean your marriage is over by leaving it and setting up independently and then if your relationship with this guy develops, it does, and if not at least you're not in a loveless marriage.

And you give your dh a chance at finding someone who loves him too, instead of blocking his happiness as well.

Oh sorry, I see you've separated. Missed that. But I would still get on with life independently and start your divorce and get things finalised with your now-exh.

Of course he is going to be hot and cold. You remain married. You left him to return to your husband yet say to him he is the love of your life and you have never felt this way with anyone. If you really loved him in the first place you would be with him now and not returned to your husband before. He is scared you might do it again and return. On top of this you have children. This fantasy love is not what he is feeling. He is terrified. He will be thinking about having to be part of a blended family all of a sudden. There is a pressure due to you leaving your husband for him. His head must be spinning. I would stay away from him for a good while. Sort yourself out. If you want to stay separated from your husband then sort that out and get your children settled before moving a new man into their lives. I personally dont think this new man is going to stick around as there just seems to be too much for him to take on and a past of pain and hurt and the possibility you will return to your husband again.

Thanks, ladies.

This is definitely tough love but I appreciate it.

I truly believe we have something special. We've been through a lot and I'm 100% on that. BUT, I am also realistic to what I have done to him and how he's hesitant to start anything with me. It hurts, but I understand it.

Thank you for your input xx

“Why not end your marriage, be on your own and see how it goes from there? Why do you need to have him "locked down" before you make the jump?”

This. Based on your timeline, it sounds to me like you settled down rather young and you really need to spend some time alone now.

You say you’re 35 now; by the age of 26, you were already in a period of separation from your husband. Based on your timeline, you didn’t have children with your husband then but returned to him and had children after your return. So even though you didn’t have shared children at the time of your separation (when it would have been easier to break it off permanently with your husband), this man was not sufficiently important for you to end a then childless marriage.

This other man may be great. There may be real love. But at the moment it doesn’t sound very real. You’d be far better off separating from your husband and spending time alone than putting all your eggs in the basket of this other guy who may well not be right for you long-term (remember the hugely romantic, yearning feelings will calm down if you’re able to be together long term and you don’t yet know how much substance there will be when that happens).

Thank you, you're right.

I have been with my husband since I was 20, very, very young.

The eggs in the basket thing really got me. Thank you. It may be real love, but it can't be rushed or forced. Being on my own with my children is where I'm planning to start, of course.

Good luck, OP. FWIW, I think you are showing great courage in facing up to the fact that you’re too unhappy in your marriage to remain in it and taking the necessary steps to move away from it. Hopefully you and your H can establish a friendly and contented co-parenting arrangement. That will be great role-modelling for your children if so. Some of the most functional families I know are families where the parents are divorced but co-parent with great care and always putting their children first.

I think you need to take it very slowly OP. It does sound like you may have something special, but you left him before when you loved him, he will be scared you may do the same again. If you go slowly and build your current life as if you will be on your own, then in time you can both see if the relationship develops. Good luck!

Have you and the other man talked about how it will work practically etc? If there is distance where will you both live etc? Does he want to?

We have, we know we're stuck for now but ultimately we both want to be together, somehow. Obviously we haven't figured out the logistics this time, and he has every right to be nervous and scared of me. I jsut have to be patient and show him I mean it this time.

I will focus on me, give him space and hope things stay on the table for the future.

When I first contacted him out of the blue a few months ago he told me he knows my situation but the minute I tell him I'm not happy and want him back, it will happen. We fell back into the way we were, flirting, talking about our dreams and what we wanted, how we have grown in the last few years etc. Then we hit a wall and he retreated. He needed space, but then came back full force again. I know he's having a hard time with all of this. I am too.

I know without a doubt he loves me, and never wanted us to end. I messed it up. But, I'm so, so thankful for my beautiful babies. They are my world. Now I just have to see about the other pieces of the puzzle.

You need to separate the two things.
If you're not happy in your marriage, deal with that first.
Then much later on, when you're settled as a single parent, that's when you can think about whether this other man is really the one for you or just a fantasy to help you decide to leave your husband

So setting aside all your romantic coming and goings does your husband know anything about your other bloke

@LizB62A

You need to separate the two things. If you're not happy in your marriage, deal with that first. Then much later on, when you're settled as a single parent, that's when you can think about whether this other man is really the one for you or just a fantasy to help you decide to leave your husband

This.

Get your life sorted out for your children’s sake, and yours, before you get together with anyone. Why would you want to bring someone who is being “very hot and cold” with you into their lives?

Op have you even seen each other in person since you got back in contact?

We have not, because of the pandemic we aren’t able to travel, but he booked a flight for end of January that we are hoping to use, or else reschedule. I would not introduce him to my children at this point, anyways. That will not happen for awhile.

I completely understand all the advice and opinions, and how this looks. I’m taking some key pieces from it and going to let things chill.

I do really want to make clear that he’s been more hot than cold. He is very open with his feelings about me, he’s supportive of what I’m dealing with, he’s understanding about what happened and why I went back to my husband. We’ve had many open, hard conversations about this in the last few months. He’s been honest about his struggles with it all, and how his life was going along just fine, and well, and then I came back into it out of nowhere and it was like a meteor hit. I know I have a lot of making up to do, if this goes anywhere...

I just really wanted to make it clear that we both say, and feel, that this isn’t like anything else we’ve ever experienced. We both know this is real. I just think he doesn’t know if he can go down this road again with me.

So for now, I’m focusing on myself. I’m going to leave the ball in his court and see where it lands.

Thank you for the advice.

I just really wanted to make it clear that we both say, and feel, that this isn’t like anything else we’ve ever experienced. We both know this is real

I don't want to be a debbie-downer but I think you may be living in fantasy land. My mum is a family therapist and one thing she told me is that people deal with un-fulfillment in different ways. Some people may withdraw and detach from reality. Others may try to fix the issue head on. Whilst a few like to escape and dream (look up maladaptive daydreaming). This is what I believe you are doing. You have reached an unfulfilling point in your marriage and rather than dealing with the issues, you try and escape to a happier place... this guy. Because he is a reminder of the fun, care-free point you were in your life. But what you need to realise OP, is that the reason everything might feel 'right' and 'new' with this partner is because you haven't experienced the mundane realities of adulthood with him.

You haven't had to live with him long-term. You haven't had to nag him to pick his underwear off of the floor. You haven't had disagreements with him over parenting styles. You haven't had to tolerate each other on 2 hours of sleep sharing night-shifts with the baby. You haven't spent over a decade with him and had to try and find ways to keep your sex life exciting. However, you HAVE experienced this with your husband, so when you compare the two men of course you're going to idealise this feeling with the new guy and say you've never felt this before... because its fresh and new and an escape from reality... the grass on his side of the fence may look greener... but I can assure you its not.

Its ignorant to think that there won't be many many challenges ahead. Lots of pain and suffering. You aren't just going to run into the arms of this man and all your problems will melt away come January. This is a big decision because its a pivotal moment for your children going from a family unit with two parents (all they've known), to a broken one. A lot of your attention is going to have to be focused on making the transition as smooth as possible for them. I'm not sure why the end of your marriage and co-parenting isn't taking priority over how this new guy will feel? Please remember this doesn't just effect him.

And on the subject, the 'you' he knows is the young, care-free person before responsibility. Not the single mum of two young kids. I suspect when this reality kicks in he will have to adjust to being 3rd or 4th on the totem pole. Not to mention the insecurity and resentment he will probably forever feel towards your husband.

OP this may seem harsh, but I can't read and run knowing how naive you're being. I wish you could see this from an emotionally-unattached POV. I'm not saying this is doomed to fail. I just think you have an over-romanticised view of this man and you're using him to fill the void you lack in your life. Instead, you should either work on your marriage or file for divorce. Then work on your self and getting your children adjusted to their new normal. Then and only then does another man come into this. Otherwise, you may fall into a pattern of co-dependancy - where you go from man to man and don't feel complete without one.

If your marriage is over, end your marriage.

Don't orangutan-swing between one relationship and another. Stand on your own feet, emotionally, for a while before you get involved with anyone.

How could you expect this other guy to be serious about you when you're not even single?

Whew, I feel like I've painted a bad picture of this... I am in NO way jumping from one man to another. I am in NO way bringing my kids into this yet, and I am in NO way running off into a fantasy with the old flame.

Just to be clear, I was confused on my feelings and struggling with both of us handling this differently. I am NOT leaving my marriage for him. I have not been happy for a long time, I also do not plan to bring my children into ANYTHING with anyone else as of now.

There are NO plans to move forward with other man. I was simply struggling with coming back into his life, and dealing with that.

We have not had to deal with the realities of marriage, that is true. I am not naive and thinking that he is my ticket to a "happy fairy tale". In fact him and I have had open discussion about how I'm not sure one person can fulfill everything a person needs in their life. I have been honest with my skewed outlook on marriage, and he has shared his dreams for a happy one that is filled with teamwork, compromise and working together through hard times.

I came on here to ask for advice about how to handle his struggles. I did not come on to get attacked or told that I was naive.

I've appreciate the advice, but I wanted to make that clear. I am not jumping into anything, and I would have left my marriage regardless.

Thanks.

What you are experiencing is limerence.

I do think you are naive OP but it certainly wasn't an attack. I didn't know you had already separated, apologies I missed that part.

I just don't understand how you can be in love with someone that you haven't seen in over five years? I do think you're romanticising you connection with him. If he was so great, you would have stayed with him back then. But something made you choose your husband. So why now is he so perfect?

From your op:

“ We haven't slept in the same bed for years, and are just roommates. “

Have you actually separated from your husband op?