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Relationships

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Original poster

Walking away because of small traces of ex

38 replies

Londongirl5346 · 04/01/2021 12:59

I'm in quite an intense relationship with someone who I've known quite a while now. I thought we had a long term thing ahead and he still thinks we do. But the last few days I've decided it's not for me because of little things that I'm starting to notice.

His ex from over 2 years ago is like a rash over everything and despite him telling me that he never felt as in love, or attracted to her like me, everything screams the opposite. He is still in touch with her and forever sharing clips on Facebook of their pets. Or changing his picture to a past photos when he was with her. There's loads of little niggles. I actually got upset with him last week because I found a photo of her in just a tshirt of his last week on his Facebook. He had told me I was the only women who had worn his t shirts. Such a silly childish thing. But seeing her like that on his page bothered me. He hasn't deleted it but offered to remove all her photos. Which I told him was not my decision and should only be if he wanted too. So therefore he hasn't.

You'd think after that he would be more aware of my feelings. But he's just shared a photo of their old dog this morning. She's filming in the background. It's from her Facebook so her name and profile picture are above it.

The thing is that it's always felt from day one she was being brought into his future. I can't explain it. He mentioned her very early on and honestly based on his Facebook and the pictures he has of her it feels like she's still his women. I don't like it anymore, purely because she's forever just in the background somewhere. They have no kids together and were never married. Just 8 years as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Because I feel so uncomfortable and don't feel I can bring it up anymore without being jealous and controlling I know I need to walk away. But it's awkward as he's sent me a present this week and I've just set him up an online shopping account and said I'll help him learn to do that and do his shopping for him when he's working all week. He's useless at technology and I wanted to help so he can have food in easier as he works such long days.

I don't know what to do or how to handle it. I just can feel her becoming a problem that won't go away. I don't blame her at all. It's him who can't seem to let go to a healthy level that is normal to move on.

Any idea how to handle it? He's not easy to talk to once something has been mentioned before. He will just think I'm repeating the same stuff and get annoyed. Which Is another reason I have no energy to carry on.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Palavah · 04/01/2021 13:04

How long have you two actually been together?

It seems to be a pretty common arrangement that split couples who share custody of a pet they got together still exchange photos and videos of said pet. Up to you whether you're ok with that.

Bit different if he's consistently sharing or posting stuff that is abouy her/them rather than the dog.

For goodness' sake don't feel you cant break up with someone because they recently got you a present or because they haven't worked out how to do an online shop for themselves. He can work it out.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/01/2021 13:08

If you don't want to put up with it then don't.

You don't need a reason, or an excuse. You can just end the relationship because it's too much of a chore!

Give yourself permission to please yourself!

blissfulllife · 04/01/2021 13:10

He's a grown man let him figure out how to do his bloody shopping.

I'd feel exactly the same way OP and I'd knock it on the head and move on. He sounds quite immature tbh. Put yourself and your feelings first x

Original poster

Londongirl5346 · 04/01/2021 13:11

Thank you. Yeah it feels a little more than the dogs. It's so hard to explain. He can't bare to remove photos of them at all. Not holidays etc. But even intimate pictures of her pulling little faces or in a pretty dress. The worst ones are he has photos in his house of them at a wedding kissing. I just wish he had kept them but respected me and put them away.

Weirdly he's taken the video down he's just shared. So perhaps he's considered me seeing it. But I don't know.

I don't have any issues with her personally. She's done nothing wrong at all. It's just hard because he tells me little things about her life sometimes now and I think why are you exchanging this stuff. He met for a cuppa with her and told her about me too. I didn't know he had done that at the time. But it feels like they still feel a need to share details that are really not for the other to approve of or no.

I just can't seem to be confident about me being able to make him feel happy enough that she's no longer the main women in his life.

We've been involved a few months now. Not anything long term yet but we clicked massively and got very close emotionally before we even considered sex. It has been a really special time actually and in many ways I don't think I'll experience this closeness with anyone else. But it's just this niggly ex feeling. I am starting to feel irritated everytime I see her and that's an ugly trait that I don't want to have.

OP posts:

Roberta268 · 04/01/2021 13:14

I was in a similar situation with my DP, who had album after album of lovey-dovey pictures with his ex still visible on Facebook. I just couldn’t cope with it, especially when my friends started commenting on how weird it was, so I told him the photos had to go. He deleted or hid them all and it’s really helped my peace of mind.

DK123 · 04/01/2021 13:15

If it's niggling away at you, you're probably right. Don't ignore it. I wasted ages on someone when I had that endless niggle and it turned out I was completely right all along, he was still pining for her. I couldn't even put my finger on it at first, something just felt off and I felt uneasy about it all. Please don't waste your time on this.

Theunamedcat · 04/01/2021 13:15

Take the advice of the last two threads?

pickingdaisies · 04/01/2021 13:16

It feels a bit like you are his security blanket, someone he can talk about his ex to, it just feels a bit "off". You don't need to be able to provide a good case, you can just end it. Trust your instincts. And let him figure out his own shopping!

MMmomDD · 04/01/2021 13:26

OP - to the best of your knowledge - why are they not together? Don’t you think if they wanted to be an actual couple they would not have broken up, got married after their 8years of dating and had a kid by now?

Many relationships fizzle out after this long period of dating and people move on with their lives. If the breakup isn’t painful for both - people may end up as friends as they did share a long stretch of life. And in their case - a dog.

The issue here is you, really. You seem like a combination of quite an emotional AND insecure person. What do you mean by ‘we are in quite an intense’ relationship? Are you living in some Hollywood fantasy romance? Do you want some sort of total devotion demonstrated daily? And his friendship with ex threatens that?

Maybe this is harsh - but your post is somewhat OTT.

He is with you, not her. He tells you he wants to be with you. You get needy and insecure about his past, and about little things he probably can’t even remember. Most men won’t remember if a gf wore his tshirt. It’s not a significant fact of memory for them. In your head it snowballs into some event spelling doom to the whole relationship so much so you are thinking of going away.

You can, of course, walk away. But anyone you’ll be with will have a past. And unless you figure out what cases you to react this way in a relationship - you’ll be in the same place again with another bf.

EarthSight · 04/01/2021 13:30

@blissfulllife

He's a grown man let him figure out how to do his bloody shopping.

I'd feel exactly the same way OP and I'd knock it on the head and move on. He sounds quite immature tbh. Put yourself and your feelings first x

Yeah. Don't even go there. It's totally natural to want to be helpful. Couples do and should support each other, but I've seen too many instances of kind hearted women ending up babying their partners.

SomewhereOverTheRainybow · 04/01/2021 13:30

Is this your second thread? The details are exactly the same on another recently posted thread.

MMmomDD · 04/01/2021 13:32

Just saw your update where you say you have been together for just a short time.
And yet you seem to want him to already erase his past 8years....
Life doesn’t work like this. People accumulate history and everybody have a past.

Orf1abc · 04/01/2021 13:34

What advice did you take from your other threads?

justanotherneighinparadise · 04/01/2021 13:39

Oh come on now. They were together for 8 years and you’ve been in a relationship with him for a few months!

I think it’s pretty obvious that she is the main relationship in his life even if they decided they didn’t work anymore as boyfriend and girlfriend. Unless there was an acrimonious break up you are still going to be massively intertwined after such a short time apart.

DeeCeeCherry · 04/01/2021 13:44

Any idea how to handle it? He's not easy to talk to once something has been mentioned before. He will just think I'm repeating the same stuff and get annoyed

Get rid of him. You'll forever be arguing and resentful over this. Who does he think he is, to get annoyed with you? Would he like it if you were the same, over an ex?

pp's saying 'he has a past' are being silly. Everyone has a past, so what? People talk to exes but the way you've described the type and levels of regular contact - he's out of order.

'Having a past' doesn't give him the right to remain in the past, and negatively affect future relationship. It's a sign of weakness. Nothing attractive about that.

Let him moon over his ex in peace, and go and find your peace. People who just can't let go of an ex and also drag someone else in to witness their nonsense, are pathetic.

They like all the angst, it assuages their mentionitis in terms of ex and they can revel in bringing their ex to life as it were, in future relationships too. End the game, walk off and leave him to it.

Life's far too short to waste on men who aren't worth it.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 04/01/2021 13:45

Torn on this yes he should be mindful but having to delete all his facebook photos ? Would we all be agreeing if someones dh told them too?
Photo of them kissing in house , yes it should be put away especially when you are there.
Most people have a past you will be unlikely to find someone without
And t shirt wearing , likely in 8 years she wore a t shirt of his
I used to wear DH when we were first together if someone asked him had I word them no , he probably wouldn't have a clue
But then again if you don't feel you are prioritised or getting what you want/ need then its ok to part as you have to put yourself first

EarthSight · 04/01/2021 13:50

@Londongirl5346

Weirdly he's taken the video down he's just shared. So perhaps he's considered me seeing it. But I don't know.

I just can't seem to be confident about me being able to make him feel happy enough that she's no longer the main women in his life.

8 years is a long time. He probably developed quite a deep bond with her in that time. Unlike women, men don't have as many close friends or intimate friendships, so when they break up I think it can be extra hard on them and why they might to cling on to friendship with the ex maybe.

I think every situation is different. Some people are quite sentimental, and even though they might not have any intention of getting back with their ex, they see those photos as capturing what what nice about their life at the time and are just a reminder of happy memories. For me to delete every single photo of someone, it would mean I hated them!

I'm not sure how long you've been together, but I do think he should remove cute photos of her off his profile. He shouldn't get worried she'll get offended - if she has any sense she'll know not to take it personally and that he's doing it out of respect for you and to move on with his life. However, 8 years is a long time and he must have gathered a large collection of photos of her in that time so removing all of it must seems extra odd to him.

What does 'intense relationship mean'? That just makes it sound like your relationship is rocky before it's even started. Also, did you know him when he was with his ex? Were you the other woman waiting in the wings?

Rarwl · 04/01/2021 13:58

Meh, me and my DH still have whole albums full of photos of us with our exes on our Facebook pages mainly because a) who can be arsed to go through and delete everything b) we are adults who don’t live our lives out on Facebook, why would you check it so regularly? But mainly c) not sure why we should delete evidence of previous relationships when clearly those were significant people to us at the time.

I wouldn’t have photos of me and my ex up in my house still (assuming me and DH didn’t already live together) but maybe it’s just not crossed his mind?

Not sure why you have decided you need to ‘walk away’ rather than just talk to him and say it makes you feel a bit awkward and see how he reacts. Sounds like you are being OTT and dramatic for no reason. The T-shirt thing is weird too, why do you care so much if she wore a T-shirt of his? They were together for 8 years, they will have done stuff and been places and enjoyed things together. This is your issue I think not his.

Littlepaws18 · 04/01/2021 14:00

Your giving him mixed messages. You get upset at a photo he says he will delete them and you say it's up to you!! You should have said yes please.

For me personally I don't see why a person should keep reminders of exes. I deleted everything of my past exes and I expected my partner to do the same. Some may disagree with this but This was my expectation. He did a half arsed job and it came to huge rows because I found out things he had lied to me about. We did overcome it but it took a lot of time to trust him again.

He is now ex free as am I and our relationship can move forward properly.

gamerchick · 04/01/2021 14:08

Familier thread?

It's too hard OP, just dump him and move on.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2021 14:24

@Littlepaws18

Your giving him mixed messages. You get upset at a photo he says he will delete them and you say it's up to you!! You should have said yes please.

He is now ex free as am I and our relationship can move forward properly.

I think you have an understanding partner.

I've been married 45 years and I still have things from my past. I will admit that during lockdown I found some old love letters and they've all gone now (didn't realise I still had them)

But I still have some photos and so does my DH. They're part of my past/my life, they were important to me and I won't be told they should go.

IntermittentParps · 04/01/2021 14:31

And yet you seem to want him to already erase his past 8years....

Not to erase it, just not to keep what sound like quite intimate things like pics of them at a wedding kissing. It's one thing to share pics of a dog they owned, but couple pictures are quite another.

Being in current touch to the extent of sharing clips on Facebook, not to mention actively changing his picture to a photo of him with her, is quite disrespectful of his current GF. I can't imagine either me or DP doing anything like that.

RantyAnty · 04/01/2021 14:33

What exactly is an intense relationship?

He's still hung up on his sorta ex. I say sorta as they really haven't completely uncoupled yet.

I think your feelings for him are stronger than his for you.

It'd be best to end it since it's only been a few months and it's making you unhappy.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 04/01/2021 14:38

“The worst ones are he has photos in his house of them at a wedding kissing”

I understand why it might seem a bit much for him to delete the last 8 years of fb photos... but to keep photos up in his house of them kissing??

Surely no-one would be okay with this?

He’s obviously not over her and not willing to prioritise you.

Another concern is you said he’s hard to talk to about these things... you shouldn’t be having so many issues only a few months in.

praepondero · 04/01/2021 14:40

Sorry to be the bearer of bad opinions, but I believe he's a lost cause.
Walk now as it'll be far more difficult the more time goes by.
She sounds like his 'true love' ( nonsense, I know), but - do you want to stay the second best?
Much simplified reading of the situation, but the niggles won't go away.

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