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Original poster

Walking away because of small traces of ex

38 replies

Londongirl5346 · 04/01/2021 12:59

I'm in quite an intense relationship with someone who I've known quite a while now. I thought we had a long term thing ahead and he still thinks we do. But the last few days I've decided it's not for me because of little things that I'm starting to notice.

His ex from over 2 years ago is like a rash over everything and despite him telling me that he never felt as in love, or attracted to her like me, everything screams the opposite. He is still in touch with her and forever sharing clips on Facebook of their pets. Or changing his picture to a past photos when he was with her. There's loads of little niggles. I actually got upset with him last week because I found a photo of her in just a tshirt of his last week on his Facebook. He had told me I was the only women who had worn his t shirts. Such a silly childish thing. But seeing her like that on his page bothered me. He hasn't deleted it but offered to remove all her photos. Which I told him was not my decision and should only be if he wanted too. So therefore he hasn't.

You'd think after that he would be more aware of my feelings. But he's just shared a photo of their old dog this morning. She's filming in the background. It's from her Facebook so her name and profile picture are above it.

The thing is that it's always felt from day one she was being brought into his future. I can't explain it. He mentioned her very early on and honestly based on his Facebook and the pictures he has of her it feels like she's still his women. I don't like it anymore, purely because she's forever just in the background somewhere. They have no kids together and were never married. Just 8 years as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Because I feel so uncomfortable and don't feel I can bring it up anymore without being jealous and controlling I know I need to walk away. But it's awkward as he's sent me a present this week and I've just set him up an online shopping account and said I'll help him learn to do that and do his shopping for him when he's working all week. He's useless at technology and I wanted to help so he can have food in easier as he works such long days.

I don't know what to do or how to handle it. I just can feel her becoming a problem that won't go away. I don't blame her at all. It's him who can't seem to let go to a healthy level that is normal to move on.

Any idea how to handle it? He's not easy to talk to once something has been mentioned before. He will just think I'm repeating the same stuff and get annoyed. Which Is another reason I have no energy to carry on.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Literallynoidea · 04/01/2021 14:41

It is quite clearly not right. You need to walk away.

When you meet the right one there is none of this sort of shit. You deserve better.

MargeProopsSpecs · 04/01/2021 15:00

If he can figure out FB he can figure out how to shop online.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/01/2021 15:12

@Theunamedcat

Take the advice of the last two threads?
Yes. This. It's a bit disingenuous to imply this is the first time you have brought it here. You were given good advice. Were they not the answers you were looking for? Reminds me a bit of the Brexit situation, where people wanted re-voting until they got the result they wanted.... Hmm
BillMasen · 04/01/2021 15:37

You can’t ask someone just to delete their past life because you don’t like it. Photos capture people’s past and nowadays Facebook is where they’re kept. It’s pretty controlling to force him to delete all traces.

Ok maybe the ones up in the house just could be put away somewhere. But you’re being pretty unfair and I’d be advising him to stand his ground.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2021 16:57

People who describe their relationships as 'intense' seem to be invariably either drama lovers or codependency addicts.

Maybe have a think about that.

IntermittentParps · 04/01/2021 16:58

You can’t ask someone just to delete their past life because you don’t like it. Photos capture people’s past and nowadays Facebook is where they’re kept. It’s pretty controlling to force him to delete all traces.
It's not just old stuff though, he's sharing and putting up new things.

category12 · 04/01/2021 17:09

Lot of angst for a relationship of a few months. It doesn't sound like it will work, because she's still very much at the forefront.

Frankly I could not be arsed with it. I wouldn't be put in competition with someone's ex, if I have to compete for attention or feel side-lined then fuck it, I'm off.

BillMasen · 04/01/2021 17:34

@IntermittentParps

You can’t ask someone just to delete their past life because you don’t like it. Photos capture people’s past and nowadays Facebook is where they’re kept. It’s pretty controlling to force him to delete all traces. It's not just old stuff though, he's sharing and putting up new things.
Of their dog, that was joint

I share pics of my kids, my ex may send me a pic or a bud ad I share it. No different.

Every other example was the op “finding” something she didn’t like

BillMasen · 04/01/2021 17:35

Bud ad = vid and

wildraisins · 04/01/2021 17:35

Do you think he has any true insight into your feelings about this and the fact that it is a problem?

My partner was a little tangled up with an ex when I first met him, but he recognised that it was a problem, we talked about it a lot and he quickly put and end to it for the sake of our relationship. I didn't have to be controlling or angsty about it because he recognised the impact that it would have, and he sorted it.

If your partner isn't able to do this, and isn't able to see how it is affecting your relationship without you explaining to him, it seems unlikely that he is going to be able to make you happy.

wildraisins · 04/01/2021 17:40

@Rarwl

Meh, me and my DH still have whole albums full of photos of us with our exes on our Facebook pages mainly because a) who can be arsed to go through and delete everything b) we are adults who don’t live our lives out on Facebook, why would you check it so regularly? But mainly c) not sure why we should delete evidence of previous relationships when clearly those were significant people to us at the time.

I wouldn’t have photos of me and my ex up in my house still (assuming me and DH didn’t already live together) but maybe it’s just not crossed his mind?

Not sure why you have decided you need to ‘walk away’ rather than just talk to him and say it makes you feel a bit awkward and see how he reacts. Sounds like you are being OTT and dramatic for no reason. The T-shirt thing is weird too, why do you care so much if she wore a T-shirt of his? They were together for 8 years, they will have done stuff and been places and enjoyed things together. This is your issue I think not his.

I think the difference is that you and your DH have probably left those old relationships in the past, and they don't affect you anymore now.

OP is obviously having issues with the fact that her partner seems to still be hung up on his ex. It's a very different situation.

pickingdaisies · 04/01/2021 17:41

Wait, TWO previous threads???
Come on, OP. Stop wasting everybody's time. Including your own.

Wearywithteens · 04/01/2021 17:54

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