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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The silent treatment

35 replies

Rosemary26 · 03/01/2021 20:41

Hi, lovelies 👋

My partner has given me the silent treatment more times than I can count. This goes on for weeks, even though we live in the same house. Usually a fight starts after I try to open up to him about something, about something he did that hurt me or something I wish would change in our relationship. And while I’m aware that neither person might feel like speaking after an argument, including myself, I do always hope for some healthy communication and resolution. He lets the silent treatment drag on, though. I know he’s waiting for me to apologize to him even when I’ve done nothing. During this time we sleep in different rooms and don’t see each other unless he has to use the toilet. I used to not be able to stand this and would go to him and apologize for whatever just to keep the peace. However, I don’t do that anymore. I feel manipulated by this behavior. Usually when the silent treatment does finally end he’ll just come up to me and act like nothing’s happened. No thoughts to share. No apology. He just gets on with life as usual.

Is this crazy-making? Or, more to the point, is this normal for two adults in a relationship? We can never just discuss an issue about our relationship or something he’s done, no matter how I try.

OP posts:
JayAlfredPrufrock · 03/01/2021 20:46

My DH used to do this. I just got on with my life. We are at the point now where he doesn’t do it as he knows the next argument we have the house will be on the market. We are quite old and I can’t be arsed splitting up but if he pisses me off too much then I would.

Keeping it going for weeks must be hard work. Do you love him?

Lemonpiano · 03/01/2021 20:47

No, it is not normal.

AudTheDeepAndCrispAndEven · 03/01/2021 20:47

No, it's abuse and you should not have to put up with it. How are you going to leave? Do you have DC yet? They will be learning this as a model for their future partners, do you want that?

Original poster
Rosemary26 · 03/01/2021 20:55

@AudTheDeepAndCrispAndEven

We don’t have children, thank goodness. I keep thinking about that. How I would leave in a heartbeat for a child. And I do want children someday.

I have inheritance money coming to me within the next month or two. That’s how I’ll leave.

I wish I had never met him, in a way. This relationship has confused me more than anything ever has.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosemary26 · 03/01/2021 20:59

@JayAlfredPrufrock

I’m sorry you’ve been through this as well. You sound strong, and I admire you for that. I wish you all the best.

I thought I was so in love with him, primarily because of who he showed himself to be when we first met... I’m losing feelings for him fast.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 03/01/2021 21:05

He's training you love.

He just wants his own way, like a sulking child.

Early dissagreements could be about anything, curtains, wallpaper, what kitchen to pick.
He wants to control the decisions, and have his own way.

The problem is if dissagreements escalate about other women, abuse, neglect etc you will be expected to fall into line with anything.

Don't have children with a man that sulks, stonewalls or dishes out the silent treatment.

Your living in a dictatorship.

Original poster
Rosemary26 · 03/01/2021 21:23

@Onthedunes

Thank you for commenting 💐 Couldn’t have worded it better myself. He seems to have been trying to convince me that I overreact about everything, that I’m a nag, this and that. Every single time.

OP posts:
wibblewombat · 03/01/2021 21:32

Run. Not worth wasting your time.

Live with someone drama-free (or one that can argue intelligently) in the future.

wibblewombat · 03/01/2021 21:32

Or alone, which is what you are some of the time now anyway.

Thistles24 · 03/01/2021 21:35

I get the silent treatment too, and so do the kids. The only reason I stay is because I can’t begin to think how it’d be for them having to spend time with him when I’m not there.

Onthedunes · 03/01/2021 21:43

Of course he's trying to convince you.

Many men do it to get their own way and then it's used to control you.

It is abusive.
I doubt he will ever stop.

Conditioning through privation.

EncoreExaxt4 · 03/01/2021 21:46

Life is too short to be miserable !

Make your plans to leave asap

MenopausalMrs · 03/01/2021 21:50

My ex husband used to do this.

When we went to marriage guidance the counsellor said it was abuse. He didn't change so I ended our marriage.

Still laying the price 2 years later in terms of him being an asshole but at least I don't have to endure the constant childish behaviour and wondering what I did wrong.

Good luck!!

yellowm00n · 03/01/2021 21:51

My dad used to do this to my mum and it tarnished large parts of my childhood, please don't put up with this, you deserve so much better!

underthebridger · 03/01/2021 21:52

My DW used to do this a lot until I discovered MN and realised what it is. Next time she did it I asked for a divorce, she started talking again pretty quick. Its control and abuse.

soopedup · 03/01/2021 22:00

My husband does this. Over the last year he’s spent an entire month not talking to me. We do have kids so it’s incredibly stressful. The only way it ends is if I hug him, apologise and smooth it over. It’s bad communication. It’s depressing. I totally get that after a row there needs to be regroup time but in our case it’s extreme. It’s knocked my confidence and I desperately wish I’d never got involved with him but I’m now stuck. I have no family and nowhere else to go. If I had close family nearby I’d be gone but I’m on my own and struggle daily with anxiety. I’m constantly on eggshells. I can’t be my authentic self. Standing up for myself and my opinions has led to this because he just wants to do what he wants and have his own way all the time. He’s incredibly successful and strong willed so as a result me being gentle has been battered by this force. Raising kids with him has been a nightmare. I stayed when they were young as I had no choice. He would scream at them to shut the fuck up if they woke during the night so there’s no way I could let him have our little ones overnight. I was the barrier between them. Now they are older I can’t leave because I’m broken. I have no idea how to cope on my own. I don’t sleep for more than a few hours and I have no energy or willpower left. He rarely leaves the house so I’m with him constantly. If you have the chance OP do NOT be me. Get out now. This behaviour doesn’t change. If somebody is like this then you can’t change them. Protect yourself. Run.

SmallHeathShelby · 03/01/2021 22:11

@Thistles24

I get the silent treatment too, and so do the kids. The only reason I stay is because I can’t begin to think how it’d be for them having to spend time with him when I’m not there.
I feel like this too. I cant stand the idea of my kids being exposed to moods and silence if I'm not there with them
Weenurse · 03/01/2021 22:20

Mine used to do this, learned behaviour from his dad who did the same thing.
I refused to accept it, continued to speak normally to him and told him if he was going to behave like a toddler, I would treat him like a toddler.
Once he saw it had no effect on me, he had no power and it was useless continuing, he stopped.
Take you inheritance and go.

Onthedunes · 03/01/2021 22:21

In my experience the best form of silent treatment is when the abuser totally ignors their partner yet will still answer the phone, talk and be jovial to others in the home and outside.

Still talk to the children, relatives and be incredibly nice to others.

You on the other hand are treated with contempt as though you don,t exist.

You are now treated as sub human.
Its all in the plan.

They up the anti depending on how much you need to be squashed.
Very damaging.

notthemum · 03/01/2021 22:30

Rosemary, please tell me that you have your own job/income ? If you have any friends at all that you could stay with then please pack a bag and go. You need birth certificate, anything with your name and address, bank details. If you have literally no where to go then please contact woman's aid and explain the situation. Please do not still be there when you get your inheritance as you could find it gets spent very quickly.

Best wishes 💐

Onthedunes · 03/01/2021 22:41

These types usually are also very charming to others and you are led to believe if you disagree with them or set boundaries, you are at fault.

ie: He's such a nice guy and she's always creating arguments.

The fact is none of these discussions are never resolved and the resentment will grow in you.

Onthedunes · 03/01/2021 22:42

ever

EncoreExaxt4 · 03/01/2021 22:48

He will not change

You need to change things by leaving & starting a new life

Happynow001 · 03/01/2021 23:20

[quote Rosemary26]@AudTheDeepAndCrispAndEven

We don’t have children, thank goodness. I keep thinking about that. How I would leave in a heartbeat for a child. And I do want children someday.

I have inheritance money coming to me within the next month or two. That’s how I’ll leave.

I wish I had never met him, in a way. This relationship has confused me more than anything ever has.[/quote]
Hello OP. You say "Partner", rather than husband in which case, thank goodness as that, plus the fact you have no children with him, makes it easier to untangle any finances you have already blended - and your inheritance will not benefit him. I strongly suggest that you make any banking or other accounts you have inaccessible to him immediately, by putting strong, unique passwords on your accounts. Also change your email access password and the pin code on your phone so you can keep any arrangements to leave him as discreet as possible, in order to reduce the rancour you will get from him when you make moves to separate.

Take legal advice if necessary and start looking for a new home (quietly) as soon as possible as that may take some time.

If the paperwork in connection with your inheritance is coming to you in hard copy, can you get that redirected to someone you trust - or - better, ask for everything to be done by email to your now secure email account. so he can't interfere with it?

Good luck - you deserve better than this. 🌹

omg35 · 03/01/2021 23:22

It's an awful form of control. Please get out now. You deserve better x