I separated from exdh officially at the end of 2019 although we’d been living separately for about 6 months before that. No real drama, just fallen out of love, no intimacy, decided it was better for dc if we had a good divorce rather than a bad marriage.
I’ve been seeing a man since about February although obviously been a bit difficult due to COVID. He lives about 2 hours away and we had been seeing each other 1-2 days a week while we were allowed. He’s really lovely and the complete opposite of my ex - laid back, funny, outgoing, interesting, really clever and talented. He also has 2 dc who he has 50% of the time. His wife left him 5 years ago for another man who she is still with. She asked him to leave and then moved this man into the house they had lived in (which had been his childhood home he’d grown up in and had been left to him in his parents will) the same day. He was completely blindsided by this, claims he had no clue she was cheating, thought they were really happy and had a complete breakdown over the next year. Apparently he lost 3 stone and his brother had to come and look after him as he was on suicide watch. He said he’d never really understood mental health issues until that happened to him and that he is now very careful to look after his mental health and make sure he does enough exercise, hobbies, takes time for himself etc. All totally understandable and he told me all about this on about our third date as he said he wanted me to understand his background.
He doesn’t really mention his ex wife much day to day. If he’s telling an anecdote about something they did, somewhere they went together it’s all very detached and unemotional. He’s not really had a ‘proper’ relationship since the end of his marriage. He said there was a woman he worked with and they got on well and would occasionally ‘hook up’ together over the course of a couple of years but it was never anything official. He hasn’t said that he loves me but we’ve both said we see a future together and right now we seem to make each other very happy.
But...whenever he’s had more than a couple of glasses of wine he just talks about his ex wife non-stop. How he proposed to her, how they got together, how he will never, ever get over her breaking his heart. He told me that he feels like he has to walk around everyday and try and live a normal life when he’s got a knife in his heart, that everything and everyone reminds him of what she did to him. He seems more fixated on the betrayal rather than on her, as such.
I have had some pretty horrific things happen to me in my life that he is unaware of. I do understand totally how he feels. I know there are things in life that you simply can’t get over, no matter how hard you try. But you have to learn to live with them and eventually you do. I’ve tried telling him this. He apologises and says that he knows I’m the wrong person to talk to about this but appreciates that I understand, he’ll just talk to his mates/ counsellor about it in future. Then next time he has a bit to drink he does it again.
He doesn’t often drink that much. Maybe once a month or so and he claims to not really remember in the morning. I really like him but I don’t know if I’m wasting my time on someone who is still in love with someone else. Or maybe he’s not in love and just hurting?
I don’t know, it all seems such a mess.