Hi all, I’m new here and know its not the place to make a decision for me but I could do with some other people input here to know if my feelings are valid… I will try to keep it short but there is quite a lot of history.
A little background, Me and boyfriend have been together 7 years, a couple of breakups in between from quite big problems like not being there when I had an ectopic and that I should just get over it to finding him online dating sites.
Last time we broke up for me it was the LAST time, We had 6 months off each other of no contact and then he got back in touch, in that 6 months I hadn’t taken time to heal, I was still wallowing in self pity even though its me who ended the relationship. He caught me at a bad point where I was missing company, didn’t know how to eat/cook for 1 person and just felt generally shit.
I live in Spain and have done for 14 years, I embrace the culture and everything to do with Spain but a heart I am still a Brit. My partner is Spanish and had a very different upbringing to me. My family we warm loving and giving where as his from what he tells me were lonely, distant and cold.
I don’t know how to explain his personality but he is like no other person I have met before. His opinions on things and others can be cold and direct, He is a lonely guy who prefer to spend his time alone than with others, he hates any type of celebrations likes birthdays or Christmas. He is clean living, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke has high standards of himself.
Me on the other hand have a job working with people, I like mixing although I prefer smaller crowds, I love my family so much and take the time to embraces other peoples birthdays and spending time with loved ones at Christmas.
We have been back together for 12 months now and the last 12 months have been good, One of the conditions of getting back together was that he would think more about his “offensive” comments and be more empathetic and compassionate, previous to this he scored 0/10 for any of those attributes.
The past couple of weeks with him have reminded me so much of previous years and see old ways slipping back. The week before Christmas I asked him if he wanted to do anything (knowing he hates being forced to sit round a table and pretend he wants to be there) He said no he didn’t want to do anything so instead of raising to him I just said ok, Im going to make my own plans I will go to my mothers house and be with them, He said fine, Any problem? I said no its fine, I cant force you to celebrate. Then 2 days before Christmas he said can we talk about the plan for Christmas, I said no I already asked you and you said you didn’t want to do anything now I’ve made my plan with my mother. He said well things can change, Lets go to my mothers on the 24th and yours on the 25th, I got angry because I like to prepare if we were going to his mothers then I would of made an extra cake, got some nice wine etc to take and as far as I was concerned I had finished shopping. He said no gifts or food required lets just go, I said no that’s not my style. Anyway also in regards to going to my mothers she has a partner with severe COPD and I said to my partner that I will need to “ask” my mother its ok if he comes as he has been shielding since March, Well my partner could not understand in the slightest why my mother would need to consult her partner. My partner then said it looks like you don’t want me to go. I flipped at him and just shouted “Do what you fing want!!” Im sick of this… So off he went to his mothers for 4 days (2 hour drive away) so I spend xmas eve alone, Christmas day I went for a few hours but had to get back for the dogs, boxing day alone until he got back. We didn’t even speak for a few days after that. I got no gifts…
He came to me and said lets try better next year, We didn’t communicate well, we lost our temper and we couldn’t agree, I find it really hard to move on from things like this and just swallow “lets try better next year” because I full well know next year will be more of him not wanting or being forced to celebrate. In the past years I have gone back to my family’s house in England to join in the celebrations because here I get nothing and it just feels like a normal day. This time we agreed to disagree again.
Roll on New Years eve, Hes not a going out person so we agreed to stay in get some nice food. A client of mine had sent me a bottle of Moet to say thanks for all my extra help and all my boyfriend could say was who in their right mind would pay 60€ for a bottle of champagne when the cheap one tastes the same, instead of making me feel good about it…
23:30 and we were chatting away and I turned to him and said are you happy with me/us? Fishing for compliments I suppose and he said mmmmm, could be better. I burst out crying and we saw the clock strike 00:00 in different rooms.
Now it’s the 3rd of January and we are still not speaking. We have tried to resolve this again but I feel that we just sweep things under the carpet. I have told him, I need more umf from him, I like gifts, I like surprises, I like massages. Simple but sweet things. Not handbags and diamond rings.
Things from myside anyway just seem very so so, He doesn’t congratulate me when I get a sale, He doesn’t notice small things that I do for us/him/the home. I like to help the homeless etc and he doesn’t seem to care for that either..
He tells me I am too dramatic, Too sensitive and I should think about things more simply and even said last night why cant I think more like him and just go with the day to day flow of life.
I’m starting to feel like I am all of the above and that my emotions, feelings and opinions dont count.
Sorry it was so long, I don’t know what to do. In general he is a good guy but don’t feel like my needs are being met ☹