Are my feelings Valid?

[tigerem]

Hi all, I’m new here and know its not the place to make a decision for me but I could do with some other people input here to know if my feelings are valid… I will try to keep it short but there is quite a lot of history.

A little background, Me and boyfriend have been together 7 years, a couple of breakups in between from quite big problems like not being there when I had an ectopic and that I should just get over it to finding him online dating sites.
Last time we broke up for me it was the LAST time, We had 6 months off each other of no contact and then he got back in touch, in that 6 months I hadn’t taken time to heal, I was still wallowing in self pity even though its me who ended the relationship. He caught me at a bad point where I was missing company, didn’t know how to eat/cook for 1 person and just felt generally shit.

I live in Spain and have done for 14 years, I embrace the culture and everything to do with Spain but a heart I am still a Brit. My partner is Spanish and had a very different upbringing to me. My family we warm loving and giving where as his from what he tells me were lonely, distant and cold.

I don’t know how to explain his personality but he is like no other person I have met before. His opinions on things and others can be cold and direct, He is a lonely guy who prefer to spend his time alone than with others, he hates any type of celebrations likes birthdays or Christmas. He is clean living, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke has high standards of himself.

Me on the other hand have a job working with people, I like mixing although I prefer smaller crowds, I love my family so much and take the time to embraces other peoples birthdays and spending time with loved ones at Christmas.

We have been back together for 12 months now and the last 12 months have been good, One of the conditions of getting back together was that he would think more about his “offensive” comments and be more empathetic and compassionate, previous to this he scored 0/10 for any of those attributes.

The past couple of weeks with him have reminded me so much of previous years and see old ways slipping back. The week before Christmas I asked him if he wanted to do anything (knowing he hates being forced to sit round a table and pretend he wants to be there) He said no he didn’t want to do anything so instead of raising to him I just said ok, Im going to make my own plans I will go to my mothers house and be with them, He said fine, Any problem? I said no its fine, I cant force you to celebrate. Then 2 days before Christmas he said can we talk about the plan for Christmas, I said no I already asked you and you said you didn’t want to do anything now I’ve made my plan with my mother. He said well things can change, Lets go to my mothers on the 24th and yours on the 25th, I got angry because I like to prepare if we were going to his mothers then I would of made an extra cake, got some nice wine etc to take and as far as I was concerned I had finished shopping. He said no gifts or food required lets just go, I said no that’s not my style. Anyway also in regards to going to my mothers she has a partner with severe COPD and I said to my partner that I will need to “ask” my mother its ok if he comes as he has been shielding since March, Well my partner could not understand in the slightest why my mother would need to consult her partner. My partner then said it looks like you don’t want me to go. I flipped at him and just shouted “Do what you fing want!!” Im sick of this… So off he went to his mothers for 4 days (2 hour drive away) so I spend xmas eve alone, Christmas day I went for a few hours but had to get back for the dogs, boxing day alone until he got back. We didn’t even speak for a few days after that. I got no gifts…

He came to me and said lets try better next year, We didn’t communicate well, we lost our temper and we couldn’t agree, I find it really hard to move on from things like this and just swallow “lets try better next year” because I full well know next year will be more of him not wanting or being forced to celebrate. In the past years I have gone back to my family’s house in England to join in the celebrations because here I get nothing and it just feels like a normal day. This time we agreed to disagree again.

Roll on New Years eve, Hes not a going out person so we agreed to stay in get some nice food. A client of mine had sent me a bottle of Moet to say thanks for all my extra help and all my boyfriend could say was who in their right mind would pay 60€ for a bottle of champagne when the cheap one tastes the same, instead of making me feel good about it…

23:30 and we were chatting away and I turned to him and said are you happy with me/us? Fishing for compliments I suppose and he said mmmmm, could be better. I burst out crying and we saw the clock strike 00:00 in different rooms.

Now it’s the 3rd of January and we are still not speaking. We have tried to resolve this again but I feel that we just sweep things under the carpet. I have told him, I need more umf from him, I like gifts, I like surprises, I like massages. Simple but sweet things. Not handbags and diamond rings.

Things from myside anyway just seem very so so, He doesn’t congratulate me when I get a sale, He doesn’t notice small things that I do for us/him/the home. I like to help the homeless etc and he doesn’t seem to care for that either..

He tells me I am too dramatic, Too sensitive and I should think about things more simply and even said last night why cant I think more like him and just go with the day to day flow of life.

I’m starting to feel like I am all of the above and that my emotions, feelings and opinions dont count.

Sorry it was so long, I don’t know what to do. In general he is a good guy but don’t feel like my needs are being met ☹

It sounds like you want to stay with him.

@MrsWooster

There’s nothing wrong with you and there’s nothing wrong with him and neither of you meet the needs of the other. Move on.

This

@tigerem

Day to day we have a good life, its when anything difficult arises or I challenge his opinion and say that's not right we then end up having a debate that turns into a fight, part of my changing was to just accept he is different which I have been doing well at for the last 12 months, I just learnt to roll my eyes and get on with it but I feel old problems are resurfacing.

I know your all right, we should both move on. Which means a lot of heartache and splitting the house up, moving out etc..

Or maybe I have to learn to expect less

You can tell if a relationship is good, not by how well you get on when things are smooth, but by how well you manage the difficulties and differences (seriously, there's solid research into this - researchers who know what to look for can predict with high accuracy which relationships will last or fail based on spending 15mins watching a couple have a conversation on a disagreement). You guys can't manage disagreements.

And also there will be more heartache if you stay and over a longer period of time. Get it over and done with now and move on with your life. You are still young.

@MrsBrunch

It sounds like you want to stay with him.

MrsBrunch, after all the effort of 7 years I do want to stay with him, the last thing I want to do is break up, but if we don't agree on most things and I hate in general his opinions I don't think its possible. For him it is but I am a sensitive person and his comments effect me and that I cant change

Why would you choose to expect less?!

This is your one and only life, OP. One shot. One go. No re-dos, no backsies.

You're giving up any opportunity to be a mother by staying in this relationship. I can't imagine doing that for the sake of one where you're deciding to expect less from him and are frequently arguing hurt and miserable.

You might not have the chance to have children in another relationship either, but christ it might be happier and more worth it.

@surelynotever thank you for that.

Why not come back to the UK for a while - if Covid restrictions allow? Spend some quality time on your own and decide what kind of life you want going forward. You could be around for another 50 years - do you really want to settled for second best at the age you are?

@MaelyssQ

Why not come back to the UK for a while - if Covid restrictions allow? Spend some quality time on your own and decide what kind of life you want going forward. You could be around for another 50 years - do you really want to settled for second best at the age you are?

I would love that more than anything right now but due to work commitments here and my mother depending on me I wouldn't be able to.

If only we had a crystal ball to know if splitting uo was the best thing for both of us instead of taking a leap into the unknown.

I honestly don't know anyone who has ever ended a crappy relationship and later regretted it. Nobody on their death bed ever says "Oh I wish I'd settled with that grouchy loner when I was 38".

Seriously. I'd despair if anyone I knew and cared about was considering wasting any more time in a relationship like this. Yes, breaking up is tough, but it's over pretty quickly and it's so SO much better than the depressing alternative.

Do you really want to spend the next 4 -5 decades of your life with this man?

Just him for the rest of your life, seeing through the hardships of life, bereavements and growing old together. Will he be a good supportive companion when loved ones pass and he or you grow frail or get ill?

OP, google the theory of sunk costs. You have invested seven years in this gruesome relationship, and you are reluctant to admit that they have been wasted, so you are thinking of staying on for yet more.
Please don’t!
Just draw a line under the relationship, put it down to experience, and move on. You and he will never be a good fit or make each other happy, you want completely different things.
Take some time alone to heal from this, to explore your own needs and wishes, and to understand why you were willing to live with such a cold joyless person for so long. Don’t start dating anyone until you have restored your self esteem and will only accept a man who makes you happy and meets your needs, and who can handle disagreements maturely.

If you can’t change, why do you think he is able to? You’re different people, that’s okay, but you need to accept that your fundamental needs and values clash and will never meet the other’s and move on.

For goodness sake, a relationship is not an investment. Throwing the rest of your life away won't give you back the last 7 years.

When people talk about working at and putting effort into a relationship, they aren't referring to a toxic relationship with somebody with whom you are fundamentally incompatible. They mean putting effort into healthy relationships where you are compatible.

Personally I think it would be a tragedy if you threw away the rest of your life on such a shitty relationship just because you were scared to go through a temporary adjustment period or learn how to be by yourself. You essentially went back to him to avoid having to grieve.

It's your choice if you want to chuck your life in the bin when you're so young, but I think grieving for your wasted life will be more painful than grieving the end of this relationship.

You're really not selling me on the two of you being compatible.
"Not requiring perfection" is stuff like wanting general health and cleanliness rather than someone groomed to within an inch of his life and moviestar looks, it's stuff like accepting he still leaves the dishwasher open (but has been loading and unloading it at least!).

It's not forcing a relationship with someone you've got little in common with because ... Well because ... Because it didn't occur to you earlier that you were not suited!

The sunk cost fallacy makes a lot of people make bad decisions - don't be one of them.

If only we had a crystal ball to know if splitting uo was the best thing for both of us instead of taking a leap into the unknown.

It's not unknown, it's crystal clear.

He has always been like this and always will.

You cannot force a relationship to work where you are polar opposites on the fundamentals like communication, view of the world, emotional attachment, family interactions, temperament etc

To work at a relationship, there needs to be some base level of commonality, or if you've recently hit a rough patch that is unusual to your normal way of being. You both are just completely incompatible. And if after all the break up, make up, and you both being late 30s, enough life experience, can't make it work - it isn't going to.

Your feelings are valid. And the right man won't make you question feelings on something so innocuous as a bottle of champagne, or wanting to spend xmas a certain way.

Life is short, atm you are just wasting good years you could be investing in either yourself or with a more suitable partner. You already know you're not with the right person, at least if single you have the hope you could meet the right person.

Staying with him is like signing a contract to live your most miserable life for the next 40 years. Don't do that to yourself, you deserve a lot better.

has high standards of himself.

This is what stood out for me - because I read your entire post and couldn't find a single example of him having high standards.

He sounds awful, rude, joyless - without empathy or compassion and without even basic manners.

What exactly is high about his standards? His behaviour is horrible.

Hi OP

John Gottman has done a lot of research into what makes relationships work. He's well worth a read/watch:

hbr.org/2007/12/making-relationships-work

Genuinely sounds like an utter nightmare of a relationship and if you have no shared responsibilities I'd be ending it for good.

MrsBrunch, after all the effort of 7 years I do want to stay with him, the last thing I want to do is break up
This is the sunk cost fallacy. You have invested so much time you want to make it work to make your efforts of value. But you are flogging a dead horse.

Try instead thinking about yourself when you are 60 or 70 - do you still want to be on this treadmill? Still putting up with his rude comments and maybe even suggestions that maybe you should die rather than be a burden anymore?

Dump him and get a good counsellor to work on your self esteem.

He came to have another chat with me that just ends in the same not agreeing.

He tells me to be more like him and care less about everything, for example if I didn't getvhim a gift or cook a meal in his birthday he wouldn't care because its me being there that matters, I say to him but a little gift or kind gesture for me is important and now I just feel very materialistic.

Now I dont know why all of this even started again and he twists it round so it is me who got too emotional and wrecked Christmas and new year. Non of this is his fault.

His high standards are not over indulging on things that are bad for us and he looks down on people who do.

There's so many things I could bring up with him right now which I have in the past like, more pleasure in the bedroom, a romantic meal cooked for me once in a while, more enthusiasm for my life and likes. His answer is for God sake its just never enough is it.

You might find this useful too:

www.alturtle.com/archives/801

You are in a classic Power Struggle and each insisting your perspectives and way of doing it is right. There is a way out of this, but it will be work for both of you. Read those links.

I don’t see how you two ever got together.