Would this worry you?

[AlwaysITW]

I'm trying to get a handle on whether something I'm seeing within my family is normal/healthy or not. Is it usual for first time GP's to be a bit obsessive with DGC? As in 'pining' when they haven't seen them for a few days, dropping everything (even meaning they let someone else down with something they had planned) if there's a chance of seeing them and berating other family members for not wanting to spend every minute with them?

Any pointing out of said issues is met with the assertion that this is all totally normal and anyone who thinks otherwise is weird or cold and unloving and they're so adamant that it's messing with my head a bit. But I do think it's a bit obsessive and not entirely healthy and I wondered what other people thought? Is expecting to see DGC several times a week and sulking when it doesn't happen actually 'the norm'?

Well I'm not sure the sulking is acceptable but o think the over enthusiasm is normal. They'll be bited one they're on their third.

Are they expecting you to visit or to come down?

How old is baby? It's obv nice for children to have good family relationships and free babysitting is always useful so be careful on burning bridges but I think it's just about cheese boundaries.

Yes we'll visit once a week / no you can't have my 3 month old for the weekend

No. It not normal or balanced.

My mil used to sob to me that her daughter hadn't arranged to see her with the dgcs when they'd landed at the airport from their fortnight holiday.

It's pathetic. Sorry. That's not love. That's obsessive, needy control.

It sounds normal but a bit OTT. Sorry that is not much help! My mum and in laws were not so crazy for my kids and that was find for me.

I think just try and be realistic with them, about how much you can cope with, and especially due to Covid be careful about to much contact.

And the sulking is definitely not normal or OK. Tell them you won't put up with that.

It's not normal to be so excessive.

It's affecting the GP's other relationships but they can't seem to see it's not healthy. They have a partner and other, younger DC who are being disregarded and trampled all over in the GP's pursuit of more time with DGC and it's reaching breaking point. I'm slightly more removed from it but it will affect all of us if the GP destroys their relationship with partner and other DC. It's like they can't see that their behaviour goes beyond doting GP.

Yes it’s normal although my parents don’t sulk about it. Massive shift from being an adult and seeing them once a month or so to suddenly seeing them three times a week. My children have benefitted greatly from this and I thank my lucky stars that they have one set of interested and involved grandparents.

@AlwaysITW

It's affecting the GP's other relationships but they can't seem to see it's not healthy. They have a partner and other, younger DC who are being disregarded and trampled all over in the GP's pursuit of more time with DGC and it's reaching breaking point. I'm slightly more removed from it but it will affect all of us if the GP destroys their relationship with partner and other DC. It's like they can't see that their behaviour goes beyond doting GP.

You say you're removed so I'm assuming your ILs. Sounds like your partner needs to be frank with them.

Of course you can come and visit once a week but I think Aunty Mary is feeling quite upset you keep cancelling on her, Jessica has exs this year and really needs you and it's totally fine Cousin Maxwell hasn't visited yet

AlwaysITW

"They have a partner and other, younger DC who are being disregarded and trampled all over in the GP's pursuit of more time with DGC and it's reaching breaking point."

I wonder how much time they spend with the grandchild verses time with partner or children?

"I'm slightly more removed from it" Oh sorry I thought you were the parent of the grandchild.

"but it will affect all of us if the GP destroys their relationship with partner and other DC." Without going into too much details I am wondering how it could destroy the relationships. Do you think their partner will leave them?

"It's like they can't see that their behaviour goes beyond doting GP." Are their children really young or are they teens or older. If so, could the kids explain to their parent. Is the partner able to explain?

Is it a first grandchild? If so I'd expect it to calm down after a while. But if they are neglecting their own DC then that's a concern.

No, not normal at all, they are behaving like children themselves.

Keep your boundaries firm.

Thanks for all replies, to answer some questions yes, first DGC but they are 2 now and GP shows no signs of calming down. They see DGC every day (work and DGC's parent's schedule allowing) and sulks on days they can't.

GP is endangering other relationships as they are alienating partner and younger DC by putting seeing DGC above all else, cancelling plans with them frequently and at short notice and generally dropping them like a hot stone in favour of DGC. Yes I think partner may leave and take DC with them and too much damage will have been done for DC to want to stay in touch. Younger DC are 11 and 16 and they have explained how hurtful and disregarded they feel, and how disruptive the constant 'drop everything' approach and having a toddler around so much of the time is to their lives, as has GP's partner but GP is adamant this approach to grand parenting is entirely normal and everyone else is in the wrong for not feeling the same.

It feels a bit like watching a car crash happen in slow motion, I can see partner and DC getting more and more fed up of being sidelined and ignored and it feels like only a matter of time before they've had enough.

"They see DGC every day (work and DGC's parent's schedule allowing) and sulks on days they can't." OK that is weird and definitely not normal.

Who can talk to them in the family?

The parent of the grandchild needs to change things this is DEFINITELY too much contact.

I do think a lot of this is on the child's parents.

Are you a parent or a parents sibling etc?

Are they doing childcare or is the parents aSAHP and visiting their mother daily for company? Or out of pressure?

I'd scale that back and then only do set extra days set well in advance so no "oh do you want to see DC today" and GP cancelling parents.

Does the child parent facilitating this work too or do they like being so important?

I’d say normal for first time grandparents abs it will settle down. Also the more children you have the less input the want as the novelty wears off the more they have

The parents are happy with the situation, that's part of the problem I think. They are using GP to shirk their parenting responsibilities to some extent but it's dressed up as 'giving' GP time with DGC and GP has adopted the same narrative, possibly to avoid seeing that they are being used.

The concern is that GP will eventually drive partner and younger DC away (they are really struggling with being cooped up more and unable to escape toddler with lockdown and cold weather) and then as DGC gets older the parents will need less support and GP will end up alone, having lost their partner and ruined their relationship with younger DC.

I am the obvious one to talk to GP (I'm their sibling) but I've tried and tried and it's like banging my head against a brick wall. They refuse to see that their obsession with DGC is not normal, nor that it's doing irreparable damage to their immediate family unit and I don't know how to make them see sense.

Honestly op i don't think you can

You've talked to your, I assume, sister and she doesn't care because she just wants to see DGC.

Could you also to your niece / nephew? If not without causing drama is give sister one more stark warning and then back off. Possibly support your niece/ nephew still at home to say something.

Be there when it falls apart because that's what family does not honestly she's presumably over 40, a fully grown adult, and has to make her own mistakes.

It's actually my DB (was trying to be discreet in case the situation rings bells for anyone in rl!), I just wish he could see the future he's heading for. DGC's parents life is likely to change in the coming months/years, DGC will eventually go to nursery/school and contact will naturally lessen, then DB will end up looking around and wondering why he's alone.

It's complicated by the fact that DGC's parent is from DB's first marriage I suspect, the younger DC are from his marriage to his current partner and I think he's created an 'us and them' situation in his mind now between his eldest DC (DGC's parent) and his partner and younger DC. Any attempt to get him to share his time more fairly or consider the rest of the household before inviting DGC is seen as a threat to or attack on his relationship with both DGC and eldest DC.

He's been with SIL for 22 years and she's been a fantastic SM and is a lovely (step) GP to DGC, she's just understandably struggling with having a toddler around most days when she's trying to juggle work and the needs of the younger DC. He's being totally unfair and unreasonable but he's too pigheaded to see it, it's sad and rage-inducing at the same time!

Oh op how awful. I

I think you need to speak to your niece or nephew.

If their dad ends up alone he could end up not being a great babysitter but instead turning to his eldest child for his own support!

I would say appeal to their better side, but not sure they have one!

I’d find it suffocating and odd personally, but I’m of a generation where grandparents truly didn’t go overboard with their grandchildren. My GPs were always happy enough to see me and I knew they were fond of me but it was a looser, less intense relationship than with my parents and that’s why I valued it as a child. I use to go to my gp’s house for a bit of peace and quiet.

It does sound like one grandparent is working through their own ‘stuff’ via the grandchild - and I’m guessing this is grandma? It could be lots of things really, if there’s an 11 and 16-year-old still at home, it might be a poignant sense of having a baby around at a point when her own fertility will be waning. The problem comes when the child is old enough to decide they want to do other things than be doted on by grandparents, and the grandparent will be bereft. Also, I’d be really pissed off if someone kept blowing me out on arrangements so friendships will definitely be strained! Is there anyone who could talk generally to the grandparent about how they are in themselves?

My apologies! Just saw your last post. That’s a different complexion and very awkward as he is obviously prioritising the progeny of his biological child.

Did the child live with your brother as a child? I'm guessing they were quite young when parents split, does your brother feel bad he icky lived with DC1 until say 7 to but has lived with DC2 for longer? So it's pushing DC2 out to compensate

The worst of it is DB is unlikely to get any support from eldest DC, even now they're nowhere to be seen if DB needs help with anything despite DB bending over backwards to help them. I doubt he'll see them for dust when they don't need him anymore, they have their good points but being supportive isn't one of them when it involves them having to actually do something.

DN's talk to me about it quite a bit, as does SIL, they all know I'll be there for them whatever happens. DB is likely to turn to me too when it all goes to shit, think I'm going to struggle a bit more with being there for him tbh when it's of his own making and he was warned repeatedly. SIL has threatened to leave already and still nothing changes, he's fast running out of chances.

I have my own DGC and I adore them but I genuinely don't understand this level of obsession or why he would trash all his other relationships rather than be reasonable and compromise a bit.

Spot on Sleeping, split with exW when eldest was little and DC has always lived with their mum, always regular contact with DB but there's definitely guilt there that he 'left' DC. I get that, I just don't get why he can't see what he's risking by neglecting his other relationships, particularly with his younger DC. He can't see it yet but he will feel just as much guilt for what he's doing to them now when he finally comes to his senses, I think they feel more abandoned than eldest DC ever has.

Please advise him to get counselling. He is a fool and you need to tell him not w if you will not support him. He is perpetuating the failure. You are spot on OP and good call SleepingStandingUp