Would this worry you?

[AlwaysITW]

I'm trying to get a handle on whether something I'm seeing within my family is normal/healthy or not. Is it usual for first time GP's to be a bit obsessive with DGC? As in 'pining' when they haven't seen them for a few days, dropping everything (even meaning they let someone else down with something they had planned) if there's a chance of seeing them and berating other family members for not wanting to spend every minute with them?

Any pointing out of said issues is met with the assertion that this is all totally normal and anyone who thinks otherwise is weird or cold and unloving and they're so adamant that it's messing with my head a bit. But I do think it's a bit obsessive and not entirely healthy and I wondered what other people thought? Is expecting to see DGC several times a week and sulking when it doesn't happen actually 'the norm'?

Tel him now... I mean.

Does he have a history of obsessive behaviours?

It's certainly concerning but unfortunately if he hasn't listened to date, it doesn't sound like he's going to until it's far too late and he's trashed his relationship with his two younger DC.

What a sad situation for everyone involved.

I'm going to have one last-ditch attempt to make him see sense I think, will include a warning that I can't support him if he's going to ruin his life with his selfishness and that he really will end up alone. I don't hold out much hope but at least I will have tried, thanks everyone for your input.

AlwaysITW good luck. I think your brother needs to realise that the seeds sown years ago have created this situation (to some degree) and he is the only one who can change the course of the future relationships. If he continues on this pathway he will be alone as you will, rightly, support your SIL and their children. He cannot make up for the harm done all those years ago BUT he can stop himself making the same mistake.

Good luck.

Thank you. That's the worst of it, even if there was anything to make up for with eldest DC (there isn't, the marriage was a mistake and he's always been in DC's life) nothing he can do now will do that, he can't turn back time. He could so easily have good relationships with all concerned, DC would still visit with DGC even if DB said 'no' once in a while and that would free up time to spend with younger DC and SIL, everyone would be happy. I want to shake him til he sees sense

My mum doesn't sulk but she does want to see the kids at least once a week ideally more. She talks a lot about how much she misses them if it's been more than two or three days.

I quite like it tbh. Knowing they are loved so much by extended family and so close to her makes me feel less anxious about what would happen if something were to happen to me.

Sorry just read the full thread. That doesn't sound normal at all actually.

Yes it is normal and healthy. Annoying doesn't mean abnormal or unhealthy! Very common for grandparents to feel almost as strongly for a grandchild as a parent feels for a child. Of course they will feel desperately sad to not see them for a while and to be extremely keen to see them more often. It doesn't mean it isn't annoying for the parent or that the parent should allow it.

(should allow them to see the child several times every week, i mean)

You need to set boundaries right away. Everyone is different. Some new parents want the GPs round every day, others would prefer a few times a year, most are somewhere in between.

Equally with GP's preferences - they differ.

What you need to do is sit down (or phone) and talk about what would happen in an ideal world for both of you, and then try to reach a compromise.

Unannounced visits should be banned, as should putting pressure on you for any visits more frequently than planned.

Say perhaps you'll go to theirs every over week and they come to you the weeks in between for visits. Or more or less frequent depending on what you want.

You can have a family chat for photos of the baby in between (even this doesn't have to be excessive) and they will soon settle into what you're willing to accept.

@SmeleanorSmellstrop

Yes it is normal and healthy. Annoying doesn't mean abnormal or unhealthy! Very common for grandparents to feel almost as strongly for a grandchild as a parent feels for a child. Of course they will feel desperately sad to not see them for a while and to be extremely keen to see them more often. It doesn't mean it isn't annoying for the parent or that the parent should allow it.

You think it's normal and healthy to basically ignore your tween and long term partner so you can see your grand child? You think it's normal to prioritise seeming a GC daily to such an extent that it night cost you your marriage and relationship with your youngest child?

Wow

Could you enlist support from the child's parents perhaps, to make the toddler less available? Appreciate that might be a non starter depending on their personality and thoughts on the situation.