Apparently DP has tough life because of me

[apparentlytoughlife]

This evening after dinner, DP said he was tired and he had a tough life. I asked why is it so tough, he replied by saying work, family and you. DP works away in Europe, flies back regularly, I look after kids (work full time) and am 38 weeks pregnant. I just looked at him and said delightful and that life is about to get a whole lot tough with a newborn around the corner. Then told him how offensive I found him . He said to calm down and not to get so worried and take things so seriously. There was no shouting at all. I just jumped in the shower and he asked me if I felt okay, I said no, I'm going to bed. Not even why I'm writing this, as he behaves like a self righteous prick. I think I'm beyond caring now hence the no shouting or getting mad. What do you think ?

Sounds like a manchild

Depends on the tone, it's the kind of thing DH would joke about, eg 'ugh life is so tiring at the moment', 'why?' 'work, travelling, (sly look to see if I'm listening) you....', at which point I'd probably throw a tea towel/cushion at him and he'd come and give me a load of kisses while I pretended to be mock offended. But we can joke about things like that because I know absolutely he doesn't mean it , fully appreciates me and we both genuinely enjoy spending time together. In other contexts it would be unacceptable

Was he clumsily joking?

Explain the tone please, OP.
I'd probably say something similar in a jokey way to my DH.

Charming.
He'll be saying he feels like a prisoner next.

Very rude and a definite action to make you feel insecure.

Does he think he gets the raw deal because he has to travel and be away working all the time, whereas you supposedly get all your time at home in your own space with things your way? I've heard that song before. It didn't go well from there. That said, I would try to have a calm conversation with him about this tomorrow.

What’s your relationship like generally? You clearly decided to have another child with him just months ago, so is the “behaving like a self righteous prick” a new thing?

If he meant it maliciously then it was incredibly unkind and presumably part of a wider problem in your relationship. Raising small kids always looks like tedious drudgery (hence why I’d never do it) so he’s entitled (as are you) to admit that life is tough, but presumably he chose to do it just as you did and had no right to pick at you for his dislike of it.

I agree that his tone is important. Has he said anything like this before?

Well his life does sound quite tough tbh, as does yours. No idea why that would be offensive.

The whole chat was calm and maybe he did mean in a joking way but it's just not funny and at the very point in our lives. Or more so my life. It has made me feel like crap as I'm the one that looks after the kids, pulls the household stuff together, still working (yes from home) and pregnant. It's not like I'm getting the violins out for me but his 'life' working away is quite nice and doesn't have to give a thought about the family and then to be told that I make it tough too. As for background our day has been fine, out for a walk etc. The odd thing is that he arrived back yesterday and left on 21 December. So was away over Xmas/NY (for work which is fine, I just managed with the kids) but just don't feel great about the comments and feeling quite sensitive. God, I'm still awake gone midnight thinking about it

Why did you not discuss the situation?

He sounds as though he's trying to make his work away during Christmas and NY as unapealling as possible.

It would make me think he's had a good time.

I think he must be realising his mistake.

That basically was the discussion with me responding by saying delightful (sarcastically).

I'm offended because apparently despite me managing all the family stuff that I too make his life 'tough', then when I respond it's pretty much brushed off. I'm just not seeing the funny side nor why he would say this

@Onthedunes

He sounds as though he's trying to make his work away during Christmas and NY as unapealling as possible.

It would make me think he's had a good time.

I think he must be realising his mistake.

Yes he had to work Xmas / NY but he enjoyed lots of lunches and golf in-between. Meanwhile I'm here with kids mustering up a walk if we can be bothered

That basically was the discussion with me responding by saying delightful (sarcastically

That's not a discussion. There is clearly something wrong in your relationship that needs to be addressed. Communication is the only way. There is not much point in asking Mumsnet what we think, ask your husband what he means. Identify the issues and decide if you want or need to resolve anything

He has no right to say these things... you make his life easier.

He would still have the same job if he were single.

He knows you have it hard at the moment, he doesn't want you thinking he's been enjoying himself.

It sounds like you feel neglected.

Competitive tiredness is a killer in a relationship. You both, for different reasons, are finding things tough. The way to deal with it is to acknowledge this and recognise that neither of you are wrong. Do you think perhaps his saying that you make his life tough is because you make niggling and passive aggressive comments about his nice working away life, and he’s sick of it? Do the two of you make time to properly communicate about how each of you feels without it turning into oneupmanship of who has it worst?

I’ve travelled for work on a regular basis and whilst it might look like a lovely holiday life to outsiders, it is tiring and even a lot of your “off” time isn’t your own. Likewise, being at home with the endless task of looking after DC must be rubbish. If this is otherwise a good relationship and you care for and love each other, this really sounds like a situation where you need to hear each other out and try to understand how the other feels and what you want to do to both feel more positive.

Agree with Yankee. You need to talk.

Last night when you said I make your life hard, it really hurt. You're away for weeks in end, in working full time, pregnant with 3 kids trying to make everything go smoothly. It makes me feel unappreciated.

"I was joking"
Well it didn't come across and I've been upset all night, is at least like an apology

Obv if he says he means it then you need a long chat bit I think either way you need to tell him how you feel. Well he even be here for the birth? What happens if you end up with s C Sec? Does he just get to swan off regardless?

What I would really hate out of all of that, is him saying his life is tough "because of you", and then when you naturally become alarmed at that comment then saying chill out don't take things so seriously? That's a headfuck and I would need him either not to repeat that 'joke' - as it's not to be taken seriously according to him - or to be very clear about what he meant by that comment.

He is absolutely definitely at work, right?
You aren't unknowingly making his life hard by having the temerity to exist in the house so that he has the hassle of leading a double life?

To be honest, if I was working full time and was pregnant and already had three young ones I think I'd be hitting him round the head with a golf club.

I'm so good at communicating.

You all are living totally separate lives.
Would not be surprised to hear there is an OW in Europe.
Can he get a local job?

I feel you OP, my DH works away too and if he said this to me I would be upset. Especially because I work hard at managing the family, house and run my own business when he is away. If anything you are making his life easier.
I hope he can see how easy he has it and bloody says sorry to you. ❤️

Is it really necessary for him to work away at the moment?