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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He talks to the mother of his child every day...

48 replies

Colouritin · 02/01/2021 23:21

Is this normal?

They’ve been split up for over a year now and have a child together.

They message back and forth throughout the day most days. A lot of it is child related but there’s a lot of general chit chat there too.

She knows we’re together but there’s still something that doesn’t make me feel right.
I found out because he was trying to find a message to show me and had to scroll waaaay back and I could see the dates and times on messenger flashing by.

I don’t have children but this doesn’t feel quite right.

OP posts:
Emmelina · 02/01/2021 23:25

As long as there’s nothing flirtatious, it shouldn’t worry you. When you share a child with someone, it’s a good thing to keep the well-being of the resident parent in mind as well as the general well-being of the child/children shared. If they are not supported, mental health can suffer. This can affect the care of the children.
It sounds like they have a sensible and mature approach to coparenting.

SemperIdem · 04/01/2021 22:13

My daughters father and I speak every day. It probably isn’t “usual” no, as most splits are rather more acrimonious. I wouldn’t cease doing so because a new partner didn’t like it, neither would he. Forging and maintains a positive new kind of relationship is for the benefit of our child.

KylieKoKo · 04/01/2021 22:16

I think it depends on the messages. I can understand why you might not be comfortable with lots of injokes and banter. This is, however, unlikely to change. Do you think you could learn to accept it or is it a deal-breaker for you?

DuchessofHastings1 · 04/01/2021 22:53

It's a bit over kill in my opinion.

Yes they have a child together and want to keep good communication for the well being of the child but is it really necessary to talk everyday?

They could easily communicate every 3 days and give an update and have a chat over the phone, it would be much quicker and more in depth than the odd messages throughout the day.

How often does your DP see the children/child?

cosmicbabe · 04/01/2021 23:00

Me and my ex used to text daily as he didn't want me but didn't want anyone else to have me so kept me dangling by being in constant contact. Then on the off accession we would end up sleeping together. He's still with the same girl now and as far as I know she's mine the wiser.... it's the girl he left me for. Ironically.

Veterinari · 04/01/2021 23:20

I'd suggest that you're going to struggle with this relationship. It's in his child's best interests to have regular positive communication with her father. That include her father and mother having a constructive co-parenting relationship

Merlotmum85 · 04/01/2021 23:29

I would leave them to it and walk away. He's still too emotionally invested for another relationship.

EveryoneRevealsThemselves · 04/01/2021 23:32

This obviously works for them and being civil co-parents. If you can’t cope with that, step away right now.

PinotPony · 04/01/2021 23:44

I talk to the father of my children most days. Often about dull stuff such as homework, school uniform, holidays, birthday presents. Not always child related though. I might ask after his parents or recommend something I saw on tv.

When he was ill recently, I took him some dinners and did a bit of shopping for him.

He was in my life for 17 years and will continue to be in my life. Stands to reason that I would treat him as a good friend even though we're not in a relationship anymore.

I wouldn't read too much into it.

HariboBrenshnio · 04/01/2021 23:47

I talk to my ex daily. We co parent well so we discuss the kids, their school, homework, PE kits, future plans, any upset, how bedtime went.. if there's not much to talk about then we do a quick check in on the kids. Each day I don't have the kids I FaceTime them.

We have zero interest in each other but all the interest in our children.

Coffeeandcocopops · 04/01/2021 23:51

As above. When my kids were smaller we would text most days - mainly about the kids but also family and mutual friends. When you have been with someone for 20 years and had a good relationship that just didn’t work out then you will communicate well.

Original poster
Colouritin · 04/01/2021 23:57

Thank you, that’s really useful to know.

When we first started dating he would send her selfies for no real reason, photos of what he was doing, banter and in jokes not related to the child though I only found this out recently.

Now they talk every day and whilst the photos and in jokes have lessened, it just feels too close somehow.

I want them to have a positive relationship but I do think there should be boundaries and a line to some degree.

OP posts:
nevernotstruggling · 05/01/2021 00:15

This is dating a parent. I text my exh every day. We have been divorced since '12!! We have young dc. My dp has never passed comment on it once.

jimmyjammy001 · 05/01/2021 00:42

You best get used to their being 3 people in your relationship, this is part and parcel of dating someone with children allready. Just wait until you have to start doing step mum duties.

DeRigueurMortis · 05/01/2021 00:59

Depends on how old the child is to a degree I think.

DH and Ex used to be in very regular contact when DSD was little which imho was very reasonable. They "progress" very quickly and there's often a lot to discuss when a child isn't of an age to verbally articulate complex situations themselves (eg got tripped up by another child at nursery, hence the bruise, this is what was done etc etc and can you remember to pack her waterproof for forest play tomorrow and btw I know she used to love porridge but she's decided she hates it now so you might want to think about a dippy egg for breakfast etc)...

As she grew and became more independent the contact lessened. By the time she was a tween they probably spoke every two weeks or so.

Essentially as long as the contact is predominantly child centric I don't see an issue. They stopped being a "good" couple but they didn't stop being good parents.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 05/01/2021 08:30

Far far better for them to be really good mates than for them to not get on. They won’t change and tbh it’s in no-ones interest for them to change (other than yours). ‘Putting in boundaries’, as you put it, sounds like you aren’t able to reconcile yourself to their way of parenting, so it’s a simple choice you have to get out now, or get over it.

TuxedoPantherSheHer · 05/01/2021 08:50

Much better in a lot of ways than if they didn’t talk, fought loads or slagged one another off.

It’s possible there’s a flame still there but that would be true anyway.

Sounds like this isn’t the relationship for you.

HHInvestigates · 05/01/2021 08:55

I have a child with an ex whom i loathe, but we still have to be in touch fairly frequently due to DD so i try to be adult about it. There'll be a flurry of messages every few days and its not always strictly child related.

PurpleMustang · 05/01/2021 09:50

I wouldn't worry too much as especially you have updated to say the initial type of conversation has changed to more and more about just the child. The extreme on the other side would be that she hates you and him having a relationship and making his life hell refusing contact. Then your life would be consumed by conversation about that and you would be debating leaving him because of the hassle. Your life and relationship will be easier if the parents get on.

Eckhart · 05/01/2021 09:56

Why do you care what is 'normal'?

I want them to have a positive relationship but I do think there should be boundaries and a line to some degree

Yes, and you think they should be in a different place to where he thinks they should be. Have you spoken to him about how you feel? I think if you're posting on an internet forum before even speaking to him about how you feel about something in your relationship that crosses your boundaries, you need to have a look at how you manage relationships, and why you need to check with strangers whether your boundaries are ok or not.

Your feelings are your feelings. You need to respect them. He needs to respect them. Whether or not he is close friends with an ex is secondary to this.

Seatime · 05/01/2021 10:19

Every day is too much. 2 or 3 times a week is normal for parenting arrangements. They are co-dependent. Would you have a calm conversation with him, at a good time? You should be replacing her as partner.

Rosebella215 · 05/01/2021 10:40

I'm sorry but I disagree with most of the comments here.
I too am in your position as in my partner shares a child with his ex. They have been separated nearly two years and only communicate if there are any major issues, usually around change of pick up times when schools have been closed etc. It's important for both parties to be able to move on with their lives and texting daily doesn't allow that. Just because they don't communicate daily, doesn't mean they don't co-parent. Co-parenting is not having to know how bedtime went each night!

ReclaimingTheKaren · 05/01/2021 10:47

My DH always has, yes. At the start of our relationship I felt somewhat disconcerted by this, but a very wise older lady at church told me, "well, don't you want a partner who puts his children first in everything? Watch how attentive he is to them, and ask yourself if you'd want him to give that much to any children you might have together". So true! Whereas I might sometimes feel ignored in favour of the DSCs, he is absolutely every bit as devoted to our DCs. And the bonus of that is, the DCs and DSCs all love each other so much. No step-sibling resentment at all. So TLDR: unless he's secretly back with his XP, leave them to it.

Sunshineandflipflops · 05/01/2021 10:52

@PinotPony

I talk to the father of my children most days. Often about dull stuff such as homework, school uniform, holidays, birthday presents. Not always child related though. I might ask after his parents or recommend something I saw on tv.

When he was ill recently, I took him some dinners and did a bit of shopping for him.

He was in my life for 17 years and will continue to be in my life. Stands to reason that I would treat him as a good friend even though we're not in a relationship anymore.

I wouldn't read too much into it.

Same here.

My ex was in my life for 20 years when we split and although it wasn't an amicable split, we (I) have worked hard to build a good relationship with him over the past 3 years and now we talk almost daily. Pretty much always about the kids, even though they are now teenagers. There's a lot to discuss and we like to make decisions together as much as possible when it comes to them.

My bf doesn't speak to his ex at all and that's his choice but I wouldn't expect him to object to my relationship/communication with my kids' dad as I don't comment on his.

Princesstippytoes4 · 05/01/2021 10:54

ExH and I text/speak daily about the children mostly but occasionally chit chat. We didn’t have a particularly amicable split and have both moved on but keep an amicable relationship (mostly) for the sake of our young DC. I really don’t see any issue with it and I am absolutely no threat to any future partner of his.