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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

‘You’re running out of time’

37 replies

TheBoatsJack · 02/01/2021 19:51

I turned 36 just before Christmas and the day after, (day before Christmas Eve) my DP ended our relationship. I am embarrassed to say I didn’t see it coming. I have been a complete mess ever since and have learned that he was messaging someone in Australia that he met on a gap year at uni. He’s now 38. He’d been telling her he couldn’t wait to go back and move there Confused we’d been together 4 years and had recently been trying for a baby!! I’ve barely eaten all week, I’m moved in to my old place which luckily was tenant free as the contract ended in November and they moved in with family.

I met a friend for a walk yesterday. She’s one of the only ones I can see in tier three with me at the moment. She’s not my absolute closest friend but I have known her years. On the walk I said I was so upset that I felt like life had passed me by and i was so daunted by the idea of having to get back out there. She turned to me and said in a really matter of fact way ‘you’re definitely running out of time now for all that and what with everything that happened it could be difficult anyway. You’ll have to be the spinster of the group!’ She then sort of laugher at the same time... she’s known for being massively inappropriate sometimes and extremely competitive, but i never thought she’d say anything nasty when she knew how I was feeling. I couldn’t stay with her after that and quickly made my excuses and left.

What she was referring to was my miscarriage a few months ago, which led to infection and I had to have strong antibiotics. Although nothing was said by doctors, I’ve read online that infection can cause problems later on so she’s right.

I spent most of yesterday in tears that my friend had even said this to me and now I’ve become more angry about it and just can’t consider her a friend after that - maybe I’m being too mean.

But one thing it has left me with is the reminder that she is ultimately right. I am running out of time aren’t i. I could already have problems after the infection like she said. Even though I think she was cruel to say it, it’s the fucking truth. I just don’t know how to deal with it and now I’ve lost a relationship and a close friend in the space of two weeks. I’m drained. Just needed a hand hold.

OP posts:
TitaniumTess · 02/01/2021 20:02

Oh, I am so sorry. I assume she didn't mean to upset you but it does sound harsh.

I first got pregnant at 37. Had 3 miscarriages in just over a year (including an ectopic pregnancy) and then had my first born at 38 (nearly 39).

Don't give up hope. Xxxxx

MixMatch · 02/01/2021 20:02

OP I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, and the inappropriate friend Flowers I'd be reassessing whether I wanted to be close to someone who's that insensitive and hurtful.

I would focus on the present, and learn from the past. Hanging around 4 years for a man to marry and commit in our 30s, nearly always ends in heartbreak. There's actually another current thread where that OP has been with her boyfriend for a similar time period and is still hanging for him to propose to her and actually have kids.

You have to date smart but there's still time. However right now, just focus on healing from this current break up and looking after yourself. Things normally change for the better in time and if he's a cheat, much better you found out now than with children/marriage down the line.

Original poster
TheBoatsJack · 02/01/2021 20:04

Thanks @TitaniumTess I haven’t even met anyone or begun thinking about that as I am so heartbroken. I know you can get pregnant after a miscarriage but god knows what damage was done when I had the infection. It all feels much to late and my friend quite literally spoke my fears out loud.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBoatsJack · 02/01/2021 20:04

Too

OP posts:
Thatsmycupoftea · 02/01/2021 20:04

Don't spend time with people like her. Tell her to go away. She's a negative drain who probably does not bring any positively to your life.

And no you have not left it too late my friend had her first at 40 after meeting her dh a couple of years earlier.

Can you see a fertility doctor for a check up and advice about your previous infection. Also sorry for your loss.

losingtheplotslowly · 02/01/2021 20:05

Sorry to read this @TheBoatsJack. Your “friend” is a complete bitch! She needs to go fuck herself the heartless bitch! No you are not running out of time! 36 is young! It’s more common for women to be having kids in their 40s. I’m sure there will be plenty of people who will come on here and say that and have been in the same boat! I’m in my 40s and childless and single and my friends have never made me feel like that.

Original poster
TheBoatsJack · 02/01/2021 20:06

@MixMatch I feel under so much pressure now though. How can I even go back out there. I’ve read all sorts on these boards in the past especially about men in 30s wanting women in 20s. I feel like my world has crumbled and I will never have those things now. I don’t know how to cope with this.

OP posts:
Ukholidaysaregreat · 02/01/2021 20:06

If you really want kids and see it as an important part of your life then I would look into going it alone with donor sperm. This is something I would have considered if I had known about it at your age.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 02/01/2021 20:06

P.s. your friend is a bitch. Xxx

LividLovely · 02/01/2021 20:07

Wow @TitaniumTess I have an almost identical history. 3 mcs including ruptured ectopic then baby at 39.5!

OP, your friend was probably just a buffoon and not realising how upset you were.

It’s not for everyone but have you considered using a sperm donor. There’s a whole community of strong, independent women in your position making the active choice to go it alone rather than wait for Mr Right

PurplePansy05 · 02/01/2021 20:07

Oh OP. So sorry, this sounds awful Flowers

Please stay away from this woman. I say this as someone who is 34 and had 3 MCs, gone through really, really bad medical management, natural loss, a surgery, you name it. Currently pregnant again.

You do have time to heal, meet somebody new, and certainly to have a baby. Your previous loss or the infection won't eliminate that. Lots of love to you Flowers

Original poster
TheBoatsJack · 02/01/2021 20:07

@Thatsmycupoftea yes went to see one, they said no damage was seen but they couldn’t be certain blah blah usual disclaimer. Just said the infection had been treated and in scans the lining looked a little irregular/thick but nothing out of the ordinary and they sent me on my way.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/01/2021 20:08

Oh I'm sorry. Flowers

She doesn't sound like much of a mate. It sounds like she generally gets away with being like this, but went too far this time. Maybe in time you'll feel able to overlook it, maybe you won't - take some time out from her but please stay in touch with your other mates, you need support.

If you're worried about your fertility, please speak to your doctor and ask for a referral if neceessary - don't read stuff online, it's always alarming and not necessarily correct or applicable.

You still have time in your fertililty window. Heck there's a thread about a 46yr old woman naturally pregnant in AIBU at the moment. Yes, you do have time pressures, but you easily meet the right person and have a family still.

I'm so sorry you've had such a bad start to your year, and I could honestly shake your so-called friend. Flowers

Original poster
TheBoatsJack · 02/01/2021 20:10

@PurplePansy05 thanks for sharing your experiences that is really kind. I know it’s not an easy subject. Did you have infection treated? I feel like this alongside my age will basically mean what’s the point...I am terrified of getting out there again and also how would a man ever understand what I’ve been through? I can’t imagine someone understanding it all and being nice about it. I have a younger friend who is online dating and she sends me screenshots of potential men she might meet and their profiles sound scary...I don’t want this I don’t want that, they’re planning to travel or want to have an open relationship etc etc. It sounds terrifying and I don’t want to have to do it :(

OP posts:
PurplePansy05 · 02/01/2021 20:10

I think I'd definitely visit a fertility specialist to calm down your concerns, but I am confident you'll be fine Flowers IVF is also a possibility if in a couple of years' time you feel this may be the right option. I do understand your concerns and I think his behaviour has been terrible, it's not right to cheat on you or leave you like this now. But you will get through this and all options are still open to you Flowers

Theunamedcat · 02/01/2021 20:12

[quote TheBoatsJack]@Thatsmycupoftea yes went to see one, they said no damage was seen but they couldn’t be certain blah blah usual disclaimer. Just said the infection had been treated and in scans the lining looked a little irregular/thick but nothing out of the ordinary and they sent me on my way.[/quote]
I had an infection after having my first baby took a lot of antibiotics to clear it I had zero issues conceiving 2 and 3 the odds are in your favour here

Sunshine3013 · 02/01/2021 20:13

Nothing wrong with going via the sperm donor route and doing it yourself. I mean who needs a man nowadays anyway!

PurplePansy05 · 02/01/2021 20:14

@TheBoatsJack No, but a close friend of mine miscarried twins and had an awful infection. She's since given birth to a beautiful baby boy last summer and it didn't take her long to conceive at all. She's also mid-30s.

I completely get where you're coming from, online dating world would be very scary for me at this age. BUT having said that, that's how I met DH who at the time was approaching mid-30s and trust me, I was the most reluctant person in the world about this and thought it was a terrible idea that would never work. 18 months later we were married!

PicsInRed · 02/01/2021 20:14

There was a thread almost identical to this a week or so ago. OP have you posted about this before?

Blanca87 · 02/01/2021 20:16

My friend went down the IVF route on her own and had her first child at 43. If this is what you want definitely entertain the fertility specialist.

Original poster
TheBoatsJack · 02/01/2021 20:20

@Theunamedcat and @PurplePansy05 thank you. It took them a while to get to it because of covid and in my mind I’m always thinking the delay may have made things worse. I don’t know. I’m panicking more now as I’m on my own and can’t believe one week I’m with him and planing our future and the next I’m dumped out of the blue (to me, anyway.)

@PicsInRed no I haven’t posted on MN for about 3 years let alone started a my own thread!

OP posts:
PurplePansy05 · 02/01/2021 20:25

Yes, it sounds like everything is looking worse because of what's happened with him, that's completely understandable. Deep breaths now and things will start looking better soon Flowers Please try not to worry too much right now Flowers

Tal45 · 02/01/2021 20:26

Wow talk about kick you when you're down. With friends like that who needs enemies x

Emsnewmum · 02/01/2021 20:44

Hi Op,
I had a very messy misscarriage back in April and was treated for an infection with very strong antibiotics and I'm happy to say I'm expecting again and all showing fine so far. Hope that is reassuring in some way.

Xx

Original poster
TheBoatsJack · 02/01/2021 21:16

Thanks. I feel so daunted by everything. I won’t be able to get back into dating for a while either as I’m such a mess. I’m already 36. I feel like this is it now. It could take a year for me to get back on my feet properly, maybe even longer.

I can’t imagine trusting anyone ever again.

OP posts: