‘You’re running out of time’

[TheBoatsJack]

I turned 36 just before Christmas and the day after, (day before Christmas Eve) my DP ended our relationship. I am embarrassed to say I didn’t see it coming. I have been a complete mess ever since and have learned that he was messaging someone in Australia that he met on a gap year at uni. He’s now 38. He’d been telling her he couldn’t wait to go back and move there we’d been together 4 years and had recently been trying for a baby!! I’ve barely eaten all week, I’m moved in to my old place which luckily was tenant free as the contract ended in November and they moved in with family.

I met a friend for a walk yesterday. She’s one of the only ones I can see in tier three with me at the moment. She’s not my absolute closest friend but I have known her years. On the walk I said I was so upset that I felt like life had passed me by and i was so daunted by the idea of having to get back out there. She turned to me and said in a really matter of fact way ‘you’re definitely running out of time now for all that and what with everything that happened it could be difficult anyway. You’ll have to be the spinster of the group!’ She then sort of laugher at the same time... she’s known for being massively inappropriate sometimes and extremely competitive, but i never thought she’d say anything nasty when she knew how I was feeling. I couldn’t stay with her after that and quickly made my excuses and left.

What she was referring to was my miscarriage a few months ago, which led to infection and I had to have strong antibiotics. Although nothing was said by doctors, I’ve read online that infection can cause problems later on so she’s right.

I spent most of yesterday in tears that my friend had even said this to me and now I’ve become more angry about it and just can’t consider her a friend after that - maybe I’m being too mean.

But one thing it has left me with is the reminder that she is ultimately right. I am running out of time aren’t i. I could already have problems after the infection like she said. Even though I think she was cruel to say it, it’s the fucking truth. I just don’t know how to deal with it and now I’ve lost a relationship and a close friend in the space of two weeks. I’m drained. Just needed a hand hold.

@Ukholidaysaregreat

P.s. your friend is a bitch. Xxx

Yep. Sometimes it is that simple. You lost a creep and a not so-good-friend. As grim as you feel, you were wasting time with these people and you have taken a step closer to good things by moving away and forward. It hurts now, but it will pass. If you want a relationship it will come. Take time to find your feet. It has not even been a month.

I’m so sorry this has happened OP. It must be an incredibly hard time for you and this ‘friend’ sounds awful, where is her compassion and empathy?! I would definitely avoid her and maybe when you are feeling able to, tell her how she has made you feel. You don’t need heartless people like her in your life, friends should be swooping in to support you right now, not making you feel worse!

I completely understand how daunting the future must feel right now but try to just take things one day at a time and look after yourself. Do you have other more supportive people in real life you can talk to about how you are feeling?or maybe a counsellor to give you some further support? You don’t need to have the rest of your life figured out right now, just try and focus on taking care of yourself x

Lose the ‘friend ‘ and focus on you . You know really we are all running out of time .
Things can still happen for you but you need to focus on yourself for a while.

So don’t put in time limits just take one day at a time x

I remember at 39 sitting in a sauna thinking "well this it, this is my life, single and childless" I felt sad and resigned myself to it. I had just joined a local young ramblers group so just set out to make friends.

In the September I started seeing someone in the group, in the February we were engaged and in the August we married. All in less than 12 months. We suffered 5 losses in total but I had my first daughter at 42 and my second at 45.

I understand that you must be feeling heartbroken, but trust that this will pass. Nobody knows what is around the corner. Just take time to look after yourself. X

My Mum had me at 40! She had my brother at 35 after 14 years of infertility. It really isn't too late op.

I'm exactly the same age as you. Whilst I do have a 6yr old, I'm single and after a bad experience, I've decided against dating until my child is an adult (There are specific reasons which I won't go into here as it'll all be picked apart!). This means I have no hope of a sibling for my child who desperately wishes for one. That is pretty heartbreaking for me, but if it wasn't for my poor health I'd totally go down the sperm donor route!

Who's to say you won't meet someone when your child is little? Blended families are entirely normal now. I'd definitely think it worth considering if I was in your position

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP, and even more sorry that your friend is a tactless bitch.

Please don't despair. I got divorced from an emotionally abusive bastard in my early 30s and then spent 4 years dating the losers I thought I deserved and convinced that my chances had all gone, before stumbling across my wonderful DP at 36. We've been together over a year now and are TTC, I can't remember a time without him.

There are good ones around, and when you find a good one who comes with life experience and wants the same things as you then there's not necessarily the same need to do the old 'taking it slow' dance we all did in our 20s and early 30s.

Whether you remain single, or have children or not you will be happier if you have supportive people in your life. I would question what this friend has to offer.

If you need a year before you are ready to date (how could you not, it sounds like the last few months have been hellish) then take a year. If you need more time, take it.

I can totally see why you feel the way you do but life is not a race and it's not a competition or an exam where you input the right answers to win the prize.

You have a lot of life ahead of you. It feels bleak now but it wont always feel this way.

Ditch this ‘friend’. She sounds vile. sat round a table with friends precovid....three with pregnant daughters Ranging from 37 to 41.

maybe do some practical stuff?

See a fertility specialist
Have your egg reserve assessed (blood test does that)
Consider freezing your eggs?

You have time, so don't stress... focus on healing yourself first. Once your head and heart feel clearer, you will too about the future - no one has a crystal ball, but if you go for what you want, chance are you'll get it. You have time xx