How do you feel about your partner's ex? (Normal situations)

[Siw2020]

I'm not talking about crazy ex situations or cheating etc. Just your usual past relationships before meeting the person you settle down with.

Do you(/they) talk about that era of life when you were with a different partner?

Do you just find it uncomfortable? Can't help but compare yourselves? Or happy to discuss it/accept it as a natural part of life.

Also not talking about situations where the ex is a recent ex or you are in a new relationship. More aimed at people who have been together for 5+ years. Thoughts?

I don't know that I feel anything. There are old stories about OH's exes but they are all 18+ years old now - they are just stories. We talk about them, but only if they come up because they are part of a funny story or a reason OH knows a thing or something. I know which exes I'm most like. Some have, on the surface, stayed thinner/done better than me but I'm pretty sure they are happier without OH in their lives and vice versa. No bitterness or whatever. They just weren't suited. I feel the same about my exes.

It's not a big deal.

Honestly? I dont really wish to know the details. I mean, I know they exists and basic details about them but I have zero desire to be having long in depth conversations about them and I would find it extremely odd if my partner tried to do that.

They are in the past now. We ALL have exes and its no big deal. I just dont wish to enter into big discussions about them as it seems utterly pointless to me- its over and done with.

We've been together 6 years and it doesn't come up very often but when it does its usually in context of a different topic. I've never personally felt bothered or threatened by it. I have an ex who was obsessed with a less common hobby and whenever I see something to do with that hobby it brings back memories of him. So sometimes I might say something like "god I'm so glad you aren't into that same hobby, it was so boring going to all those shows with ex". Or the other day we were talking about what we'd been like as teenagers and I mentioned that my first boyfriend, who at the time was very emo and anti establishment is now in a 9-5 office job with a wife and 3 bed semi and we had a laugh about how much people change as they get older. If he mentions his exs it's usually the same woman because they were together for a long time, and he might talk about a holiday they took together or something like that. She had a few medical conditions that he knows a lot about because of supporting her with them so he mentions her if we ever talk about those conditions. She also works in a field that I once considered retraining for and he offered to put me in touch with her if I wanted some advice on it. I've never met or even seen pictures of his exs and he's never met or seen pictures of mine, I don't remember their names and it's never occurred to me to try and track them down on social media or anything. I'm happy to talk about exs, I don't want to pretend that parts of our lives didn't happen. I do however feel like most of my exs were a pretty minor footnote in my life to this point so it doesn't come up very often.

I think you can tell a lot from a person by how they speak and refer to their ex. We all have a past, there was something good about previous partners that caused people to get together in the first place, but there was also a reason for them being an ex.

I don't feel uncomfortable talking about the past.

DH always discussed his GF before me as the love of his life whereas I'd only had casual relationships, and he had lots of reminders/souvenirs of their time together. He was very open about it, and not long after we started seeing each other, he put them all away. I think he kept some photos and things, but she was with him just before his Mum died and I think the memories are intertwined so I don't have any issues with it.

I met her once when in hospital having had DD, she was a midwife but thankfully recognised the surname (it's quite unusual) and never came in to look after me.... I think I'd have been uncomfortable with that. She met DH in the corridor one day, and came in with him to say hello - she was very pretty, and seemed really sweet. She cuddled the baby and said congrats to us both. There was no awkwardness at all.

You can't be someone's past; you can only ever be their future. DH has since said that she was just part of his path to life with me.

@bellmyring

I think you can tell a lot from a person by how they speak and refer to their ex. We all have a past, there was something good about previous partners that caused people to get together in the first place, but there was also a reason for them being an ex.

I don't feel uncomfortable talking about the past.

I totally agree. It happened and it shapes who you are and what you want from a relationship - and if you wanted to still be with the ex, you would.

I was previously married and then in a very abusive relationship. I told DH about the latter in early - ish stages of our relationship, as there were certain things that would trigger me (not even abusive things if that makes sense). I don't mention him now as there's no reason to. I occasionally mention exH, who even sent me a congratulatory message when DH and I got married.

DH was cheated on by his ex fiancee which made me angry at the time (because he's lovely and doesn't deserve it), but that also isn't mentioned any more because it doesn't need to be.

@bellmyring

I think you can tell a lot from a person by how they speak and refer to their ex. We all have a past, there was something good about previous partners that caused people to get together in the first place, but there was also a reason for them being an ex.

I don't feel uncomfortable talking about the past.

Totally agree with this and I'd be extremely wary of any man who said that ALL his ex girlfriends were "crazy bitches".

However, that said, I find it bizarre people are getting into long discussions about their exes unless it involves some kind of serious trauma that is affecting their current relationship and needs therapy.

Why would you be discussing exes in the first place? It would be a huge red flag to me if any new partner kept bringing the topic up, would indicate they weren't properly over them in my opinion.

It rarely comes up - but why are you asking? Perhaps if you explain the dynamics you’re experiencing others might be able to assist you more

@bellmyring

I think you can tell a lot from a person by how they speak and refer to their ex. We all have a past, there was something good about previous partners that caused people to get together in the first place, but there was also a reason for them being an ex.

I don't feel uncomfortable talking about the past.

Yes, I also agree.

I remained in contact with my exes (1 fairly notable as it lasted a fair duration but we were very young/first relationships for both of us, 1 very fun not-quite-relationship, and a few more casual flings). We would message occasionally and meet up for coffee - mostly with the 1st/teenage relationship. This became rarer and rarer.. and stopped.
Still have them on social media.

If I were to go back to my hometown and bump into them, I think it would be quite nice. No animosity now despite going through a really difficult break up (the cant eat/sleep/breathe intoxicating kind when you lose your first love). Been many years now and said ex has now been in a samesex relationship for a long time.

Equally, if we were to ever bump into DP's significant ex, I think all would be amicable too. I don't know why but in the early years I did peep into her social media. She genuinely seems lovely. She broke up with DP who was head over heels for her, yet supported him through it. He doesn't talk about her but I can tell he thinks highly of her and was his first all-consuming love too. He would have done anything to make things work at the time. This only lasted a matter of months and she must not have felt this intensely towards him. Now its a fleeting part of his life having been with me for years - he treats me very well. I havent thought about her for years until a christmas zoom gathering with his friends, one of them raised a memory of them together during the time DP was with her and its just lingered on my mind...

My girlfriends ex died a few months ago after years of alcohol addiction. Not the father of her children but played a formative role in their upbringing due to their absent bastard of a real father. She went with her daughter to his funeral and apart from his drinking which split them up she always speaks of him with respect. I've been lucky 3rd time around, my ex girlfriend was a serial cheat and liar having spoken to her ex husband. My ex wife had a lot of complex anger issues that still burden her today. We talk about our ex lives with different people and sometimes it's hard to shake off some pre conceived ideas formulated from living in dysfunctional relationships. The key thing is to communicate and look forward rather than behind.

No feelings about her, they divorced 2 years before we met. She’s polite and keeps herself to herself (been in the same room at funeral etc) she’s fine with me. My stepson and I get on brilliantly (he’s class and excellent company, very clever boy we’re all immensely proud of) and that’s good enough for her.

I honestly don't think I give it any time...we both had a life before meeting/marrying...other than the talks we had about life and each other around the time of forming our relationship I don't recall it coming up again. As it happens I probably have a better relationship with his ex wife now than DH has...she'll stay here occasionally when events with their DC arise, we can all sit and have a meal/drink together...so no, it's not a bone of contention.

Why would you be discussing exes in the first place?
My bf broke up with his first serious girlfriend some time in the late 1990s. After a couple of years of hurt feelings they both got over it, and started meeting up with their old friends together, as part of a big group. So when we met many years and other relationships later, I met this ex and her current partner. This summer we discovered we were staying at the same holiday area, and met up for drinks etc (all CV compliant in our area).

So at New Year's my bf and I were talking about meeting this couple if and when it is allowed again, and about how we both thought his ex's current partner was quite annoying when we first met him. I said that my bf was better suited to her than the current guy; he agreed in part but repeated a couple of things he'd previously told me about how they broke up. I said that her partner's conversational style was similar to my exh's. We were both just chatting about our exes. Sometimes the subject comes up.

His more recent ex still pops up occasionally bringing their daughter over. We talk about her less as I haven't met her socially. The other day, his dd was talking to me about makeup and compared my makeup and clothes to her mum's - apparently she doesn't dress up as much as I do. I defended her mum's taste. I find it pretty normal for exes to come up in conversation sometimes.

I said that my bf was better suited to her than the current guy; he agreed in part but repeated a couple of things he'd previously told me about how they broke up

If you are fine with this then great but personally, I would find it extremely unhealthy to be telling my partner he was better suited to his ex than her current partner. Thats a weird discussion to be having and it would indicate to me that the feelings havent entirely gone.

Just my opinion anyway.

No feelings about the bloke I'm seeing ex's.
He doesn't like talking about them and they aren't part of his life now.
He will tell me things if I ask though and has on occasion discussed an ongoing issue with his 2nd - long, long divorced but still a specific issue.
He doesn't mention ex-girlfriends at all, other than when I've asked about specific time periods.

I talk about mine, memories etc. I spent most of my adult life with these 2 men, to not mention them would be weird to me.
1st is still involved in my life to the extent that we share children.
2nd died and isn't a part of my life I'd want to forget / ignore.

@MimiLaRue

I said that my bf was better suited to her than the current guy; he agreed in part but repeated a couple of things he'd previously told me about how they broke up

If you are fine with this then great but personally, I would find it extremely unhealthy to be telling my partner he was better suited to his ex than her current partner. Thats a weird discussion to be having and it would indicate to me that the feelings havent entirely gone.

Just my opinion anyway.

I think it is more of an indication that I am quite nosey tbh! Not sure if I explained it well, but I brought the subject up - that my bf and his ex have more similar characters than his ex and her partner. Her partner is quite hard work and I was pondering what she sees in him. Whose feelings do you mean haven't gone?

@Chasingsquirrels

No feelings about the bloke I'm seeing ex's. He doesn't like talking about them and they aren't part of his life now. He will tell me things if I ask though and has on occasion discussed an ongoing issue with his 2nd - long, long divorced but still a specific issue. He doesn't mention ex-girlfriends at all, other than when I've asked about specific time periods.

I talk about mine, memories etc. I spent most of my adult life with these 2 men, to not mention them would be weird to me.
1st is still involved in my life to the extent that we share children.
2nd died and isn't a part of my life I'd want to forget / ignore.

I guess it also depends on age, doesn't it? If I and my bf wanted to avoid any discussion of our exes, we'd have to skip very lightly over the last 3 decades. Different to a couple in their late 20s or 30s not bringing up their exes.

Whose feelings do you mean haven't gone

What I mean is- I would find it odd if my partner was saying to me that he didnt like his ex's new partner and that he thought HE was better suited to her. Thats a kind of odd conversation to have with your new partner.

I also dont get the need to meet up with exes unless you have kids in common. Like, why would you be meeting up together anyway? why not just leave it in the past? There are vast numbers of people to make friends with, I suppose I dont really understand why you'd keep hold of that relationship especially as you say it involved 2 years of "hurt feelings". Why not just move on?

ravenmum yes, and the significance of those ex's.
I wouldn't think to consider my boyfriend from 14-16, or the one from 17-19, as my ex's anymore, despite them both being 2 year relationships.
Those are never mentioned, and almost never thought about.

I've been with dh for 30 years.
I met a couple of ex early on and they were nice people.
People don't always split for bad reason's.

To be honest it's not a topic that comes up in conversation. In the earlier days I was interested to know (since we work in the same field/area). It's like knowing a bit about a person growing up, their family life, siblings, what they liked at school, hobbies/pets they had, and so on. It gives a rounded picture of the person.

The only problematic one for me was an ex that had kids in the same school as ours. We discovered that at a parent-teacher event and got on well, had coffee afterwards a few times, say hello at school plays, etc. While recycling some very very old PCs (DH is non-tech, I'm the IT person in the house) I was reformatting discs and found some intimate pictures/videos she had sent him when he was working abroad. I confess I did look, but stopped after a few minutes. It was really explicit stuff (very very hot actually!), so I removed and physically destroyed the hard drive. That video does pop into my head every time I see her. Luckily I stopped after a few minutes, there were many more files.

I used to hate thinking about that period of his life, but I used to be a lot more insecure. I dont give it a second thought now, many years later

Never really discussed DH’s first serious girlfriend. His second one I knew well, she cheated on him big time, I didn’t start seeing him until 18mnths after they split up. She was already engaged by then to the bloke she cheated with (they had to wait for his divorce before they got married). She was not happy about our relationship and stalked us for nearly ten years causing all sorts of problems ( I could write a best seller about it) fortunately it was before the internet and social media.

DH reconnected with first girlfriend during lockdown which he admits was a massive mistake. Curiosity, boredom, nostalgia, whatever, he told me had become friends with her on social media. They got a bit carried away and I got hurt. I have no interest in their relationship 30+ years ago but I understand why he has had so many trust issues over the years. Our marriage had a bit of a wobble mid year but surprisingly we have emerged stronger than ever. We have picked apart some of the issues we have with each other and worked on the difficult stuff.
MNetters talk about trust issues as if they are entirely a female problem but there are plenty of men out there whose formative relationships have left them struggling to trust moving forward.
I have noticed a greater calm about DH over the last couple of months. Although he was a shit to stir up the past, it has let us work through some of the perpetual problems within our relationship. Lockdown has forced us to face up to these issues, I was and still am amazed by how little we have struggled while in close confinement. I suppose we were forced to deal with the ex issue rather than walk away from each other.
I have a lot to thank first ex for, since DH now realises what a catch I was, and still am

@Angrymum22, that's really great that things have worked out for you, in a roundabout way. Apart from DH ex that had kids at same school, no one else is in our lives in any way, we've moved around a bit, sadly have no longer connections to place we grew up.

I know that he has one ex on Facebook, usually doesn't bother me as we live half a world away from her, but seeing that he had posted a " I hope you get really pampered on your Birthday " whilst getting me fuck all for mine really rankled.