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Original poster

Is it an emotional affair?

41 replies

Mooninthesky · 02/01/2021 08:53

I’m not proud to say that I sneaked a look at OH’s phone. Call it gut instinct but something didn’t feel right about the way his phone was always in his pocket or right next to him at night.

Sadly there was a short thread of messages tucked away in WhatsApp archive (who even does that?) The messages we’re flirtatious.... hi sexy 😘😘😘 from my OH.
I was sooooo hurt.

When I confronted OH he said she was an old work colleague who is his sounding board. She apparently helped him through his divorce (10 years ago!) and a subsequent long term relationship. Whilst of course I don’t have a problem with that my issue is first of all how he addressed her and the emojis he used, plus why hadn’t he ever mentioned her?
We’ve been together for over 2 years and I have make friends as well as female friends so why the secrecy?
He suggested that he message her and to tell her that he won’t be contacting her again.
Do you think I can trust him not to go back to contacting her and should I be concerned about this relationship. My mind is in such a muddle. Please be kind to me!

OP posts:
TashaTik · 02/01/2021 08:57

How long ago were the messages sent?

I'm not sure what you've described is an emotional affair tbh BUT I'm a big fan of gut feelings. If I were the colleague I'd be Hmm at receiving a message to say "I'm not talking to you anymore" unless it's more than emotional affair and he's told her that he's sending it to appease you IYSWIM.

Newwayofthinking · 02/01/2021 08:59

You are supposed to be his sounding board, not some other female.

He is having a relationship with you

chocobaby · 02/01/2021 09:00

I’m so sorry 🤗
What did your intuition tell you when he gave that explanation? Personally, a hi sexy text with those kisses won’t sit well with me. And yes if he’s talked about his past relationships and marriage with you, that woman would have rightly come up in the convo.

He is possibly being honest and suggested they cut contact. It’s also possible that he said it to allay your fears but he’ll continue chatting to her but be more careful. The fact that he kept it secret and hid the chat in his archive should indicate to you that he’s not being honest about how they met.
Be on the lookout for more telltale signs.

hadesinahalfahell · 02/01/2021 09:00

I just can't imagine a situation where any of my male friends or acquaintances sent me a message reading 'hi sexy 😘😘'. I would think that they had lost their mind.

Original poster
Mooninthesky · 02/01/2021 09:09

The message I saw was dated on Wednesday (I saw it on Monday last week) but as it was such a short thread he obviously deleted them regularly

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 02/01/2021 09:11

The fact he hides it in his archive and deletes it regularly is a massive red flag.

If it’s so innocent why hide it?

Original poster
Mooninthesky · 02/01/2021 09:12

Thank you. He said that he’s deleted her number and that the message he sent was via LinkedIn.
She lives about 400 miles from us so there’s no chance of any physical contact and since I’ve met him he’s not be away or out of touch for long periods
My issue is how to trust that he won’t do it again it’s so hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooninthesky · 02/01/2021 09:13

Yes I agree. Guilt maybe?

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 02/01/2021 09:20

I'd be suspicious of anyone who would so quickly and easily cut contact with someone they claim is a supportive platonic friend of over 10 years! So in two years he's never mentioned someone who has supported him through two major breakups? I'd be horrified if a platonic male friend messaged 'hi sexy' to me!

I smell bullshit that a) it's a long 'friendship' and b) it's just a friendship.

Would I trust him to cut contact with said woman, probably (he's willing to give up a ten year friendship far too easily). Would I trust that he hadn't lied about their relationship, absolutely not. Would I trust that he won't do it again with some other woman, absolutely not!

Original poster
Mooninthesky · 02/01/2021 10:00

When I asked why he felt he needed another person to lean on while we were dating he said that he didn’t want me to be his counsellor.
I agree that he’s cut off this relationship very quickly. Last night I asked how he felt as he has lost a long term friend and he says that he’s had enough of talking about it to me.
We don’t live together so perhaps It’s time he left my place so I can think things through without him being around

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 02/01/2021 10:07

So he’s had enough of talking about it? Well if your relationship is to survive he needs to do a bit more talking.
Have you asked him why he calls her “sexy” and why the messages are flirtatious? He needs to understand that the messages themselves really do not sound like a platonic relationship, hence your upset. If he can’t acknowledge that then there’s no hope for your relationship as you will always be wondering why he is unwilling to accept these messages and the fact he deletes them and hides them, are not a normal platonic relationship.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 02/01/2021 10:08

He has all the answers doesn't he? You have no proof that he has cut her off and this he’s had enough of talking about it to me - cheeky little shit ! I agree with you it is time for him to leave your place and for you to have a good think about all of this .

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 02/01/2021 10:10

Im sorry OP. That must have been horrible. But think rationally:

  • She is his 'sounding board' and yet he has deliberately neglected to tell you about or introduce to you her
  • He regularly deletes messages to and from her and sends flirtatious and very inappropriate messages
  • He hides her messages in an archive (!!!)

None of this sounds innocent to me and if I am honest, if I saw a 'hi sexy' message from my husband to another woman, i'd be inclined to think 'physical affair' rather than emotional affair - whenever i see threads about emotional affairs on here, the messages odten seem to be more sort of loving/having a strong bond and deep care about each other rather than crude like his. Also, if they HAVE been having an affair, he could easily just say to her "X found my messages to you so i'm gonna send you a message in front of her telling you I won't talk to you again" even if he intends to? Or call her afterwards like "sorry about that message, X found our conversation and made me do it/sent it herself". I am not saying this to upset you but rather because your partner has done someyhing disgusting and I think you need to be really careful how you handle this. Don't forgive him to try to believe him just because you want to, but be honest with yourself. If you genuinely feel it is innocent then forgive him but listen to your gut.

Original poster
Mooninthesky · 02/01/2021 10:15

Thank you. You’ve voiced all that I’ve been thinking but, and this is the big but .... she lives about 400 miles from us so it’s impossible for him to have a physical relationship with her.
The other thing is that as she’s single, if they were romantically involved he could have moved to her part of the country or the other way around.
Why bother dating me (or anyone else) if he’s yearning to be with her?
It’s all so confusing

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooninthesky · 02/01/2021 10:17

He’s says calling her sexy is a joke. No I don’t believe that either, and what is the joke in calling someone sexy anyway?
Really appreciate your comments

OP posts:
C0NNIE · 02/01/2021 10:51

How do you know she lives 400 miles away ? Apart from the fact that he told you.

Original poster
Mooninthesky · 02/01/2021 11:57

Her profile on LinkedIn shows where she lives ... so that’s one thing I do believe

OP posts:
SmeleanorSmellstrop · 02/01/2021 12:54

When they worked together, where did they work? Was it where you live, or near where you live now? As if so, i'd maybe be worried that she comes back to the area sometimes to see old friends/family etc and they could have met then? That would worry me.

If she has no connection to the area and you genuinely dont think theyve seen each other for years, that is definitely something!

I guess calling her sexy COULD have been a joke, and i do know guys who talk like that to their close female friends in a sort of 'banter-y' way, but is just so weird that if it is all so innocent, he hid her so much? And what about with his other friends - is this the sort of language he uses casually? Can you imagine him saying it innocently? How can someone be close enough a friend for you to call them names like "sexy" as a joke and it not be inappropriate, and yet you never mention them even in passing to your partner and delete their messages and even go as far as to archive them?
What did he say when you asked him about the secrecy?
Again, dont get me wrong, i am not saying he is definitely a bad guy! Just think in these situations it is better to be over rather than under suspicious?
As you need to really get to the bottom of it and trust that you know what happened, before I think you'll be able to move on? Do you know what i mean? I am not trying to be all negative and I hope I haven't upset you with anything I have said!

firecracker69 · 02/01/2021 13:00

"Hi Sexy" is beyond inappropriate. Wtf calls a"friend" sexy? Why are the messages hidden if there's nothing in it? Your gut says it all!

Bluntness100 · 02/01/2021 13:05

If you don’t live together I suspect he’s just messing with you saying he is killing the relationship. He did it too fast and without qualms. No one ends a long term friendship like that. So he’s no intention of doing it. Just trying to keep you happy.

IndieTara · 02/01/2021 13:15

You can't trust him and it's obvious he's not telling you the whole truth.

SandyY2K · 02/01/2021 14:15

Last night I asked how he felt as he has lost a long term friend and he says that he’s had enough of talking about it to me.

This wouldn't go down well with me.

We don’t live together so perhaps It’s time he left my place so I can think things through without him being around

Yeah...I agree. In fact his response would probably push me towards ending things with him....I don't like his attitude and I don't know about trust going forwards.

He deliberately hid this communication and the chat because he knows it was inappropriate.

PicsInRed · 02/01/2021 14:19

It sounds like a long term sexual affair - her as the long term professional OW, him happy to keep her on the side long term.

They're both bizarre, they'll never change, she'll always be in the background and he's got to go.

Sorry OP. Flowers

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/01/2021 14:31

I wouldn't like his reaction.
Calling someone 'sexy' isnt a joke, if he didnt think she was sexy it would be sarcastic and cruel.
Deleting messages from someone who just gives emotional support is dodgy.
Saying he is done speaking about it, when it's an issue that affects your relationship and when he hasn't given you the full story or any time to process it, is horrible.
Happily cutting off a friend, if it's just a genuine friend, when you've been friends for so long, is bizarre.
Each point is a bit odd on it's own but when you add it together the situation stinks

Original poster
Mooninthesky · 02/01/2021 16:12

Yes I agree with all you say, none of it adds up

OP posts: