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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it an emotional affair?

41 replies

Mooninthesky · 02/01/2021 08:53

I’m not proud to say that I sneaked a look at OH’s phone. Call it gut instinct but something didn’t feel right about the way his phone was always in his pocket or right next to him at night.

Sadly there was a short thread of messages tucked away in WhatsApp archive (who even does that?) The messages we’re flirtatious.... hi sexy 😘😘😘 from my OH.
I was sooooo hurt.

When I confronted OH he said she was an old work colleague who is his sounding board. She apparently helped him through his divorce (10 years ago!) and a subsequent long term relationship. Whilst of course I don’t have a problem with that my issue is first of all how he addressed her and the emojis he used, plus why hadn’t he ever mentioned her?
We’ve been together for over 2 years and I have make friends as well as female friends so why the secrecy?
He suggested that he message her and to tell her that he won’t be contacting her again.
Do you think I can trust him not to go back to contacting her and should I be concerned about this relationship. My mind is in such a muddle. Please be kind to me!

OP posts:
totallyoutnumbered · 02/01/2021 16:46

I think the minute you're hiding conversations you know it's wrong. I'm sorry OP. Been there and it's awful. Definitely take a step back and try not to look too far ahead xx

Packitin · 02/01/2021 17:19

He's lying. You do NOT send "hi sexy" out of the blue to a friend.

Its horribly obvious OP.

400 miles by the way. Means jack shit. If they want to meet, they will. Also video calls...pics....and sexy flirty WhatsApp conversations

He would be gone. Let this slide, you are setting a standard of what you will tolerate.

WatieKatie · 02/01/2021 17:48

OP, I have many platonic male friends and none would address me as ‘sexy’ or add blowing kiss emojis. Also, I do not hide their messages.

Incidentally the only male friend I does send these kind of messages to me is an ex who wants to give things another go (no chance).

It sounds like he’s minimising the truth to me. I think you have every right to be wary and I would keep an eye on the situation.

hadesinahalfahell · 02/01/2021 17:57

But if the only saving grace is that she lives too far away for him to have a physical affair with her, that tells you everything that you need to know about his capacity to be faithful to you. If she lived round the corner I am sure that he would try his luck. And if he is capable of messages like that to one woman, he is just as capable of trying his luck with other women too. OP, I couldn't be in a relationship with a man like this.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/01/2021 18:04

Eww if one of my actual male mates said 'hey sexy' or added 😘😘 to anything I would find it creepy and annoying because they'd have put me in an awkward position as they'd have made it clear it isn't platonic. He knows full well that genuine friends don't speak that way. Which is why he's archived the conversation. What a dick.

MrsBobDylan · 02/01/2021 19:18

Tell him you've actually had enough of talking about it too and suggest he fucks off home.

Also, he's had a marriage end and a ltr in the space of 8 years. He's not a winner imo and will struggle to stick it out in a monogamous relationship.

Original poster
Mooninthesky · 02/01/2021 19:22

Yes I’m sort of biding my time. The thing that hurts so much is that he’s known her so long and yet he started a new relationship with me a couple of years ago. Why didn’t he just make a decision then ... to keep up with a long distance relationship with her or to start a relationship with someone new (me!). It what I don’t understand that’s so hard to deal with. So appreciate your thoughts and everyone’s guidance x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooninthesky · 02/01/2021 19:45

You haven’t upset me at all. Actually you e articulated what I feel. It’s all just so strange that you can be with someone you love so often and they think it’s okay to lead a life away from you for their own titillation, or whatever it is. It’s the not understanding that I’m finding so hard to come to terms with. Trust is so very hard to repair

OP posts:
Newwayofthinking · 02/01/2021 21:07

A friend of mine has been having an affair for 6yrs, she lives South, he lives North, they met every few months. Where there's a will there's away!!

Cockenspiel · 02/01/2021 21:25

He sounds really dodgy and untrustworthy.

Bottom line is that the trust is now gone due to his sneaky and shady behaviour and from this point on you will always be wondering, so it just becomes either a matter of time till you walk (keeping self-esteem intact) or you stay and let that self-esteem be chipped away by his lies and bullshit.

You don’t live together and don’t have kids.. So this is a perfect time to walk away with no ties.

You deserve better right? Flowers

Original poster
Mooninthesky · 03/01/2021 06:44

Thank you. I really appreciate everyone’s support here ... it’s so nice not to feel alone in this.

OP posts:
Stillfunny · 03/01/2021 07:09

Absolutely get rid. My husband of 30 years started this kind of shit via LinkedIn.She actually lived thousands of miles away but yet he managed to hook up with her when she came to UK to visit family.

If he is doing this at this stage of your relationship and you accept it , you are setting the boundaries very low. Couples do not have secretive relationships with other people. You are not too tied to him that a split would be too complicated. Yes, you might love him but hopefully you will meet someone worthy of your love.
He has already proved to you that he is deceitful and probaly a liar .

Lullaby88 · 03/01/2021 07:30

I rekon theyv had a sexual relationship in the past and thats why he is so comfortable calling her 'sexy'. The flirtiness has continued and he knows its inappropiate and hiding these conversations from you. It does ring alarm bells that the conversation was archived. It would piss me off massively.
I also think he is with you because what u have is more serious, she is that side piece he feels close to and probably gives him a buzz in a sexual sense. But ur the long term one in his eyes, but he clearly doesnt value you enough. I think hes disgusting and would not trust him.
Id contact the woman to see if she spat anything out aswel. He hasn't given u the full story.
Hope u find a way through this.

Yeahnahmum · 03/01/2021 07:35

Stop being naive and wake up to reality op. She is not his sounding board. ...

Why do you think he deleted messages AND hid them in a folder

footprintsintheslow · 03/01/2021 07:37

I have archived conversations but not ones that I'm actively using as recently as you say he is.

I'd cut my losses as hard as that it. He's lying and deceiving you and this will escalate.

spidermomma · 03/01/2021 07:40

Get him gone op
People like this never change an never seem be happy or fulfilled with that they have at home
Hope your okay x

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