Does anyone else have no one in their life who loves them?

[Sarahandduck18]

How do you cope?

Is it survivable?

Do you give up hope of anyone ever saying they love you?

I don’t feel like there’s anyone IRL I can talk to about this- everyone has/had parents who loved them or a DP or DCs or even friends that close. I don’t think anyone can understand what it feels like to go through the years never hearing those words.

I had an abusive childhood and fell into a DV relationship in early adulthood but that was the only time I’ve felt loved/ been told I was loved.

I have a DP and teen DCs but there’s no love. I did tell the DCs I loved them when they were little but stopped when they started to cringe at it.

DP stays in the relationship for the kids etc, there is no love. He’ll leave when they are grown.

In a few years I’ll be living alone but I don’t think I’ll be any lonelier than I am now.

How does anyone deal with such an affectionless life?

During lockdown I’ve heard people saying they miss hugs but I can’t even imagine hugs being part of normal life.

I do have friends but not close like that.

Is this it?

Your DCs will love you, for sure, even if they don’t say it! Tell them today that you love them. And tell them that you wouldn’t mind hearing the same from them, sometime. Also, talk to your DP about how you’re feeling.

Echoing above I'm also sure your DCs love you. You seem to correlate the lack with words, but what about actions? Do your children not hug you ever? Do you not hug them? Are there loving words of kindness in your household?

As an aside my mother grew up in quite an abusive household and never told me she loved me. In the last year she had suddenly started saying it a lot. Honestly? I sometimes to cringe because it is a new habit that is alien to me. I've come to the conclusion she is saying it because she regrets all the years she never did. I have resolved to put up with it and say it back. Might be worth trying?

I tell DP regularly that’s I don’t feel like he cares about me. But nothing ever changes.

I grew up in a no hugs house. To be honest I never sought hugs from my parents- maybe we are all just not like that or because I was so emotionally detached from them.

DCs have never been the cuddly types either, even when toddlers. I’d see posts here about other mothers’ DCs wanting hugs but mine were never like that. That was normal to me back then, I didn’t really link it to my own childhood experiences if you know what I mean? But as I read more about parenting/childhood I tried more to initiate hugs but they’d just recoil uncomfortably so I gave up.

I’ve read about ‘love languages’ to see if that would make sense. DP and I definitely have different ones but I still feel unloved. He’s an ‘acts of service’ type but I find that controlling and suffocating and have told him to stop. I’ve talked to him about the ‘love languages’ theory but he never changes.

I imagine a lot of people can identify with a failing marriage and grumpy teenagers, but I am sorry that you are going through it.

IME living in a loveless marriage is far lonelier than living alone, because you are faced with rejection every day, and I think you will find it easier once you separate from your dh.

Having said that, it sounds as if you have asked your dh to stop showing you love in the language he uses, and stopped hugging your kids because you thought that they didn't like it, so it might be worth thinking about how you show love and receive it too. Your kids will love you I'm sure, they all go through that grumpy phase of thinking that their parents are terribly uncool and embarrassing but you will need to keep showering them with love and push through it.

I don’t love my parents and they don’t love me so I don’t expect the situation with the teens to change because that’s what my experience has been.

I think I grieve the absence of parental love more than from DP. He’s just some bloke I met, he has no intrinsic reason to love me if you know what I mean? But my parents not loving me, that makes it difficult to relate to anyone else as even people I’ve known with abusive upbringings still felt loved.

I resent DP because of this too. He always has his ‘real’ family to run back to whenever he wants. They would always be there for him. I don’t have any emotional or practical safety net. It makes me feel more vulnerable.

I’m getting older now and I’m weary from being emotionally self sufficient my whole life.

Mindfulness.
Keep a self-compassion journal.
Explore the techniques available, search self-care.

The bottom line is that we each have to love ourselves and let that be enough. Love from others might come or go but we are always with our own self.

I don’t love my parents and they don’t love me so I don’t expect the situation with the teens to change because that’s what my experience has been.

But you're not abusing your children, presumably? So the situations are not comparable. And your DP used to die you love in his own way- presumably that means he did love you then, even if not now. Sounds to be like you're so convinced you're unlovable that you're pushing away anyone that might actually love you.

*show you love.

How that autocorrected to die, I do not know. Not even the same number of letters!

@Sarahandduck18

I don’t love my parents and they don’t love me so I don’t expect the situation with the teens to change because that’s what my experience has been.

I think I grieve the absence of parental love more than from DP. He’s just some bloke I met, he has no intrinsic reason to love me if you know what I mean? But my parents not loving me, that makes it difficult to relate to anyone else as even people I’ve known with abusive upbringings still felt loved.

I resent DP because of this too. He always has his ‘real’ family to run back to whenever he wants. They would always be there for him. I don’t have any emotional or practical safety net. It makes me feel more vulnerable.

I’m getting older now and I’m weary from being emotionally self sufficient my whole life.

I think it's rather sad that you're assuming that your dc don't love you because you don't love your parents.

As pp said, you are not abusive to your kids so it's not the same situation at all, but may become a self fulfilling prophecy. How do you show your dc that you adore them and would do anything for them?

Thanks for the tips Hail.

Just the prospect of ‘settling’ for only ever having self love is quite depressing?

I have tried to show the dcs love through the love languages and reading loads on the emotional aspect of parenting- which I didn’t even realise existed when I was young. But there have been times, due to MH that I have probably been a bit emotionally distant and maybe that has caused these issues years later. It certainly doesn’t come naturally to hug them but I do it because I’ve read that’s what good parents do. I didn’t realise until I was much older how my odd childhood would impact my own ability to parent as there was so much that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. Things other parents do on instinct or from learning it from their own childhood I had to teach myself from books.

DP never loved me. He was the archetypal ‘he’s just not that into you’ then I got pregnant. We’ve never really chosen to stay together we just never split up.

Can I ask why you are waiting for your DP to leave you? Why don’t you leave him?

I am sure your kids love you, I am a single parent to three grumpy / cynical teens who used to shower me with affection. I know it’s still in there somewhere .

I was in an emotionally abusive and extremely lonely marriage, and while I might be single forever now, being divorced is so much better than being with someone but invisible to them / unloved by them.

It sounds to me that talking to a counsellor about how you feel might really help. You sound sad and resigned, but I don’t think you need to be resigned.

The dcs would go with him and I dont want to be an EOW parent so I’ll stay.

They were never affectionate even when little. I thought that was normal at the time.

I’m realising writing this thread that it’s more the issues with my parents than DP/DCs that I’m finding painful.

I never had any parent substitutes either- no other relatives, no older mentors etc.

I wasn’t a bad or difficult child and my parents had been married for years before they had me so I don’t understand why they didn’t love me. They had free childcare and I didn’t impact their careers/income or anything. But they spent my childhood counting down the days til I was gone.

If you've not already, OP, I suggest you look into getting counselling. It's about £30 a session privately, but very worth it. As you've identified yourself, there are some issues in your past that need to be addressed.

Tell them every day, even if they cringe. They might outwardly shrug it off but deep down I'm sure they'll love to hear it. I say it to them every night and every morning when they go off to school. My 12 year old son rolls his eyes when I say it but a while back he said it back when I dropped him off (he hates the bus and we hate him getting the bus too so we've pushed the boat out to get him there any back ourselves, which he really appreciates). Thinking about it, while my 10 year old does great hugs he hasn't said it for ages!

I would say you definitely need a therapist.

You obviously have massive issues that stem from your childhood, you have recreated that relationship with your dp and now your children.
You also sound defeated and depressed, so I think you need to see your gp too.

@Sarahandduck18

I don’t love my parents and they don’t love me so I don’t expect the situation with the teens to change because that’s what my experience has been.

I think I grieve the absence of parental love more than from DP. He’s just some bloke I met, he has no intrinsic reason to love me if you know what I mean? But my parents not loving me, that makes it difficult to relate to anyone else as even people I’ve known with abusive upbringings still felt loved.

I resent DP because of this too. He always has his ‘real’ family to run back to whenever he wants. They would always be there for him. I don’t have any emotional or practical safety net. It makes me feel more vulnerable.

I’m getting older now and I’m weary from being emotionally self sufficient my whole life.

Read this back to yourself then imagine your parents or your children are writing it.

You need to break the cycle OP. Get back out there and parent your children. They need their mother's love, just as you did, and you are the only one who can do that.

Op, I’m sorry, I’m going to be a little hard. You need to take some responsibility here, not blame your parents. I grew up n an abusive home. The kinda home that if it had come to light they’d have been jailed. I am still able to show my daughter love. And her me. I’ve always been a kissy cuddly mother, and even now she’s 23 and currently home, I still kiss her every night good night. And tell her I love her. When she’s not here we text it

You need to break the cycle. You’re not too old. What strikes me, is you complain about not being loved. But don’t write like you love anyone. You just want it for yourself. However don’t feel it back. You just go through the motions.

It’s time to stop blaming your parents and start to take some responsibility for your own behaviour to your partner and children. And if you need help to do that, then reach out for counselling.

Great post Hail

Connect with the love in ourselves and the world. It’s hard sometimes. I’m not talking sugar spice nonsense. But what’s deep in the ocean so to speak. I think our “disappointment” is knowing the love is there there, accessing it and experiencing it and connecting with it sometimes - but then leaving and disconnecting with it when we feel pain. So the pain is a kind of loss of or disconnection with love is all. We can connect with it though if we want to ....

I mean connect with the Love if we want to.

I do tell them I love them. Eldest has never said it back, ever. Younger does on occasion but seems uncomfortable.

My parents would never bother to write anything about me. They’d leave me in an unmarked grave if they got their way. I’m a huge disappointment to them, they have no interest in my past or future wellbeing.

My DCs know all about my history with my parents and have witnessed plenty for themselves. D.C. have even said if they told me what my parents have told them about me that I wouldn’t speak to them (my parents) again.

My D.C. do get love from me! I praise and encourage them; give them time and individual attention; give frequent small tokens of affection; provide everything for them to have comfortable lives; nurture their talents and interests; anticipate and respond to their needs; enjoy lots of enhancing experiences with them. They are happy and healthy, they just aren’t the huggie/verbally expressive types!

Bluntness- to say because you had an abusive childhood makes you an expert on all abusive homes is so offensive! You have no idea what my non- childhood was like.

Then bragging about how perfect a mother you are- stick the knife in why don’t you?

I’ve shown plenty of love in my life- to DCs, DP and ex’s, to friends. Not to my parents I’ll admit. And I’ve never had any other family.

I’m already fragile from holiday contact with them opening old wounds. I’ll have to leave this thread now as it’s making me more upset.

Bluntness- to say because you had an abusive childhood makes you an expert on all abusive homes is so offensive

I get you’re lashing out. But not Only did I not say that. I did not even intimate it. But thanks for the swift kick. Cheers to you too.

Yes, me. Never known any different really.
I mean, my family may love me, but we're not close and we wouldn't tell each other we love each other or hug each other.
Some of my friends are nice to me, but we don't love each other.

Your teens will definitely love you! They're simply going through a very temporary stage where all teens dislike their parents. Of course it's tough for parents at the time but all things pass. Once they are proper adults, things will be much better and they'll value you so much :) You'll later have potential grandchildren to also look forward too. Despite your abusive childhood, you've created a family OP with your kids and you should always be proud of that.

Also OP, have you gone for therapy? An abusive childhood has a huge impact on us through no fault of our own. Unless people have gone through it themselves, they don't understand the trauma and wounds it creates. You may find it helpful to talk through all this with someone neutral (i.e. trained therapist) and can help the healing process.

I grew up in a abusive home- so love is important to me.

I hug, kiss and tell my kids I love them, it’s now a normal occurrence to them and they would find me off or think something is wrong if I didn’t do it.

As you’ve stopped interacting with your children this way it’s now normal not to give affection to you. Take it back! It’s easy and you can do it. My brothers and sisters who are adults never showed love as like I said- abusive childhoods. I started telling them at 18/20 and now we always tell each other- like creating a ripple, it then grows.

Your DH I have no advice for- unless your 80 there is still time to find love with a new partner.

Main point of advice is to be lovable and become lovable, in a nut shell.