Does anyone else have no one in their life who loves them?

[Sarahandduck18]

How do you cope?

Is it survivable?

Do you give up hope of anyone ever saying they love you?

I don’t feel like there’s anyone IRL I can talk to about this- everyone has/had parents who loved them or a DP or DCs or even friends that close. I don’t think anyone can understand what it feels like to go through the years never hearing those words.

I had an abusive childhood and fell into a DV relationship in early adulthood but that was the only time I’ve felt loved/ been told I was loved.

I have a DP and teen DCs but there’s no love. I did tell the DCs I loved them when they were little but stopped when they started to cringe at it.

DP stays in the relationship for the kids etc, there is no love. He’ll leave when they are grown.

In a few years I’ll be living alone but I don’t think I’ll be any lonelier than I am now.

How does anyone deal with such an affectionless life?

During lockdown I’ve heard people saying they miss hugs but I can’t even imagine hugs being part of normal life.

I do have friends but not close like that.

Is this it?

DP never loved me. He was the archetypal ‘he’s just not that into you’ then I got pregnant.

Twice?

Just the prospect of ‘settling’ for only ever having self love is quite depressing

That made me laugh because I thought that too. Yes, I was unhappy for decades because I accepted the view prevalent in society that one has to be this or that, perhaps part of a couple, to be happy. Not so. I am no longer depressed. I am happy. Love your inner self.

Let me share something with you - your inner self is a cosmic being unmoved by human experiences. And it's fucking true! When something brings you down, ask yourself 'Do I need to feel like this?' and you'll soon find you don't. You really don't. The cosmic inner you (and forgive me for coming across like an old hippie) is happy. Peaceful, contented and happy. Blissful, in fact.

I discovered that I needed love in quantities that just weren't available from human beings. But so much love is in me, my inner self is made of love, I have enough for myself and for others, too.

And now I'm dying inside because I know some of my former colleagues are on MN and know my username. Ah, well. They'll have to smile and move on. I would.

I don't know who loves you and who doesn't. I do know it doesn't matter. Really, it doesn't. Because you are enough. As you are. You are enough.

''As you’ve stopped interacting with your children this way it’s now normal not to give affection to you. Take it back! It’s easy and you can do it. My brothers and sisters who are adults never showed love as like I said- abusive childhoods. I started telling them at 18/20 and now we always tell each other- like creating a ripple, it then grows.''

This, a million times!

Please start telling those you love that you love them. It's just as important for your children to hear those words from you too. Even if they can't say it back yet.

OP did say that she tells her DC she loves them, and one of the dc sometimes says it back - it's just not very frequent maybe.
Some people aer really not kissy or huggy - I hate casual kissing on the cheek, from parents or friends, with partners I like proper kissing on none at all (i.e. cheek or head - ugh!).

I don't mind hugs from people who aer not DP, but not those intrusive ones where you feel they are holding you tight.

It's like cats - some love constant affection, some are more aloof but loving in their own way, like they still want to sit near you.

I’m not doubting any of your experiences in the slightest, but I’m going to ask if you’ve ever had help for depression? Has it always been as bleak as it is now?

Your parents sound truly terrible and I can’t begin to imagine your childhood. You sound amazing, especially in the way you have sought out information on being a better parent, and educated yourself.

This post will be like a MN bingo card, but I’m also going to ask if you might possibly be on the autistic spectrum? Given your childhood, autistic behaviours might well have been a learned, behavioural adaptation. Exploring this could be useful in understanding yourself better, and identifying the accommodations other people need to make for you.

I remember so well how cringey and hopeless my dps were when I was a teen. I don’t think there’s a more critical and judgemental phase than that. I definitely didn’t think much of my dps and swung from being very much in favour of one and against the other, to reversing those positions. It was very polarised thinking.

Over time I’ve come to love and appreciate my parents so much. The teenage stage is bleak but it ends and they grow out of it. It’s how they grow into themselves and figure out their values.

Being a good parent to teens is different to parenting small children. It’s about holding the space for them, and being a solid, predictable figure. And it’s a stage where investing a bit more in yourself is valuable to everyone.