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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do they ever come back?

34 replies

SallyAnn32 · 01/01/2021 23:13

Back story - exH left us in Xmas day last year for a colleague at work. She left her family and 2 daughters.

My 2 sons have nothing to do with him and this woman is nothing short of a lunatic.

He’s digging his heels in and keeps telling me how horrible I was to live with - despite him showering me with constant gifts, holidays and us making long term plans including building our own forever home.

He’s so unlike the man I married. He’s changed so much and I’m certain he’s having a breakdown. I know this doesn’t account for morals and I see a common theme in men changing after they leave.

He’s visibly unhappy. I pretend to have moved on and always seem positive but deep down i want nothing more then to get back with him.

Him and the ow do not live together. But still see eachother but not very often as they live in different cities.

So I just wondered - do they ever come back when they realise the grass isn’t greener and actually - life wasn’t that bad!

OP posts:
Original poster
SallyAnn32 · 01/01/2021 23:13

Edit - Xmas day 2019

OP posts:
Cantmakeupmind · 01/01/2021 23:20

OP why would you want this man to come back. It would never be the same. Don’t make excuses for him, he made his bed

Original poster
SallyAnn32 · 01/01/2021 23:25

I miss him and the kids miss him. My head is a constant battle between missing him and despising him

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2021 23:34

He’s digging his heels in and keeps telling me how horrible I was to live with - despite him showering me with constant gifts, holidays and us making long term plans including building our own forever home.

You're doing this for him despite him saying you were horrible to be with and him still seeing the OW, albeit less regularly?

I say this as gently as possible... that's fucking mental. You need some counselling ASAP because this must be so confusing for your poor children.

Pegsonstrings · 01/01/2021 23:53

So for years you were completely unaware he felt he was being treated unfairly by you? He has jus re written history so he doesn't have to feel guilty over leaving and so the whole onus is on you. How nasty, look up for the script, I think you can Google it.and of course he will play your feelings like a fiddle to suit him. I guarantee he only shows you the sorry side of him for his own benefit and to pull the wool and the man you once knew left with the ow. There is nothing left for you to do here other than gather up strength, and also, remember that if you don't see your own worth you will always choose to be with people who won't see it either, aka your ex.

MrsGulDukat · 01/01/2021 23:56

Some do when there's nothing better on the table.

Why on earth would you want to be with someone who told you that were horrible to live with?

Drag your dignity up from the gutter and move on.

ThingsNeverChange · 01/01/2021 23:59

It was two years ago.

Please don’t waste the one life you get wishing for his return.

Littlepaws18 · 02/01/2021 00:00

I find they come back... but it will never be the same again. Feelings have moved on and changed... events change... life changes... you both change. That part of your life is over.

If the next part of your life includes him it won't be anything like what you had in the golden years.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 02/01/2021 00:01

Yes, but usually just when you've realised what tossers they are and no longer need or want them.

Commonwasher · 02/01/2021 00:04

I think it’s normal to want back the person you married and the life you had together.

But it seems like he isn’t the person you married any more.

He might be having a breakdown but it doesn’t mean getting back together would end well — it’s more likely to mess with the kids’ heads, and yours.

Could the kids see him once a week if they miss him?

Could you have a few sessions of counselling/therapy to talk about it all?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/01/2021 00:05

Yea they do come back once they realise that they still have to live with themselves and that their new woman isn’t quite so exciting now she expects him to load the dishwasher and pick up his pants.

The trick is to have moved on by that point so that the sad little weasel has to live on his own instead. He has rewritten your relationship to justify his affair. You were never hard to live with, but he has to convince himself that you were so that he can believe he isn’t an arsehole. Spoiler alert. He is. You’re better off without him. Get some counselling and work out why you still want this waste of skin back in your life. Your DC can still have a good relationship with him without him living there. Many kids do.

hellohello202011 · 02/01/2021 00:52

@Pegsonstrings

So for years you were completely unaware he felt he was being treated unfairly by you? He has jus re written history so he doesn't have to feel guilty over leaving and so the whole onus is on you. How nasty, look up for the script, I think you can Google it.and of course he will play your feelings like a fiddle to suit him. I guarantee he only shows you the sorry side of him for his own benefit and to pull the wool and the man you once knew left with the ow. There is nothing left for you to do here other than gather up strength, and also, remember that if you don't see your own worth you will always choose to be with people who won't see it either, aka your ex.
Agree
AlwaysCheddar · 02/01/2021 08:52

Agree to. He doesn’t give a shit about you.

Original poster
SallyAnn32 · 02/01/2021 19:10

Thanks everyone for the much needed reality check.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Loved your post - very frank and it made me laugh!

Im under no illusion that my ex is an absolute nob for the damage he’s caused. And he is absolutely rewriting history. Yes we had occasional tiffs like every other couple and family life was non stop, but everything else was good. He admitted that himself when he told me about the affair.

I just feel sorry for our children who, like all others in this situation, didn’t ask to be born into what would become a broken home. My heart breaks for them.

He’s lost everything. His home, his friends and his children are sliding away. Our eldest son (9) has nothing to do with him whatsoever and no amount of bribery or persuasion from either of us has cracked him. It’s heartbreaking. Our 6 yo is indifferent about seeing him but due to his age we don’t give him a say in the matter. So he sees his dad one night a week and every other weekend. He has a lovely time when he’s there, and my ex was/is a brilliant dad.

I wish my head could give my heart a slap!

OP posts:
category12 · 02/01/2021 19:20

Thing is, if he did come back, you could never ever trust him. You end up policing them and checking up on them and driving yourself bonkers, and it does your MH no good. Lack of trust is a slow poison.

Your older boy will likely come round in time and they'll adapt.

He's lost everything and you feel sorry for him? No, he threw it all away like it was worthless for the sake of his cock. And if you took him back, he'd likely do it again, because he doesn't want you like you want him.

You need to work on letting it go emotionally.

Original poster
SallyAnn32 · 02/01/2021 19:31

I hope so. They were so close.

He deserves it all and it’s all his fault but it’s hard not to feel sorry for someone you were with for 17 years and married for 12. The rational part of me knows he wasn’t thinking about that when he was dipping his nib in the office ink!

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 02/01/2021 19:34

@SallyAnn32

I miss him and the kids miss him. My head is a constant battle between missing him and despising him
You miss who you thought he was - not the total crap bag he actually is. If he comes back, it's only the crap bag you're getting back.
GotBeatenUp · 02/01/2021 19:38

I split up from someone a while ago.

I still miss him, he's on my mind far too much. I'd have him back like a shot. I still love him.

ONLY he wasn't that person. That person never existed.
The real him was an abusive bully.

The OW is welcome to him.

Original poster
SallyAnn32 · 02/01/2021 19:49

@GotBeatenUp

I split up from someone a while ago.

I still miss him, he's on my mind far too much. I'd have him back like a shot. I still love him.

ONLY he wasn't that person. That person never existed.
The real him was an abusive bully.

The OW is welcome to him.

Gosh that sounds awful you sound well rid.

It’s hard to let go isn’t it. It’s like an addiction and on days when I don’t think about him in that way I feel invincible! Those days are the norm rather than the exception now but my but instinct is telling me he’ll come back.

So tricky!

OP posts:
Original poster
SallyAnn32 · 02/01/2021 19:50

Gut instinct...not but instinct 😂

OP posts:
nosswith · 02/01/2021 19:52

Surely the question should be- if they come back, what should be the response.

Which should either be unprintable or be a sharp blow to a painful part of their anatomy.

Lemonpiano · 02/01/2021 19:55

Why would you want him back?

category12 · 02/01/2021 19:57

What are you actually doing to move on with your life?

What's so great about him that you would overlook him coming back having completely shit on you and your family unit, that you could never trust him to be faithful, that he lied about you and your life together?

There are other men, you know.

CodenameVillanelle · 02/01/2021 19:59

You say your kids miss him but neither of them want to see him. You say he's a good dad but he doesn't have contact with one of them. You say he's unhappy but he's been with her for a year. You say he's having a breakdown but the only symptoms seem to be that he's rewritten history and is being a shit to you. You're in a massive vat of denial. He's not coming back - and would your kids even want him back if he did?

Original poster
SallyAnn32 · 02/01/2021 20:10

You’re right. On every point! I just can’t see it.

PP I’ve got a new job that I’m really enjoying, I’m financially secure, I’ve taken up running and I’m enjoying it, I am keeping my shit together on the outside and the kids are happy. And dare I say it - I feel happy.

I’ve started talking to another guy and it’s going well. We’ve met a few times out of lockdown and it is nothing serious but he’s nice and if I let myself - I could be happy. He knows I’m not 100% over my ex yet. I haven’t led him on and he’s being really patient.

I just can’t shake this feeling like there’s a piece of the jigsaw missing. It feels hard to shake off. Denial? Maybe. Fear? Maybe.

OP posts: