Never Had Clarity

[Readingandrighting]

Oh Mumsnet, you've been amazing.

My marriage ended after a period of me being treated quite badly and feeling very unhappy and quite simply miserable. Couples and individual counselling. We eventually agreed separation was the healthiest option.

I eventually found my own place and moved out. My ex and I managed to form a friendship. I'm desperately lonely!

...and now, I wonder for the 1000th time (we had 3 break-ups in the course of our long relationship) if I've made a mistake.

Why do I keep rowing back to him? Why is it so darn hard to let go?

Please be gentle.

Anyone?

(Perhaps I'm clutching at straws and just need to accept reality!)

Because you do. You'll never break the cycle.
You need to go NC, not be friends.

Yes you need to accept reality but you also need to understand that this is a man you’ve probably loved and letting go may be difficult. As you have BOTH agreed that separation is the healthiest option, then stick to it and stop sabotaging yourself and your happiness. You deserve better, you deserve to be happy. Tell yourself that. Also I know this sounds so cliche, but I think a new year is a great time to re-evaluate things and make changes where needed. You deserve better! Hugs 🤗

Thanks so much for the replies.

I find it hard not to be friends because I can open up to him and tell him my problems (and him me). I get so sad and lonely. I know lots of people are successfully single (and I salute them) but I'm finding it so difficult not being anyone's go-to person or not having a go-to person to call on at the end of the day. There's no sexual attraction on my side anymore.

stop sabotaging yourself and your happiness. You deserve better, you deserve to be happy. Tell yourself that
This pretty much sums up the whole relationship. There were and are great parts but I know it couldn't have ended so many times if it were right - but it's all I've known for a very long time and when we did take one long break, I met some unsavoury characters, which made me think H wasn't so bad at all. Maybe I need my faith in men restored or maybe I just need to be alone...either way, I'm really struggling. I know now why I go back time and time again (something I always wonder about when I'm unhappy in the relationship).

You're just prolonging your own pain by staying 'friends'.
It is unhealthy at this point, and detrimental to you healing from the break up.

Learn to be alone. He is not who you should be talking about your problems etc with. I think you know that.

Honestly this is why I don't stay friends with exes. I expect lots of people would disagree but it's very hard adjusting from relationship to friendship and, certainly in the initial stages of a break-up, all too easy to slip back into it. I think a proper clean break (easier if no kids ofc) for a good while. If anything mutual does need to be discussed then keep it civil and to the point. And only things that you absolutely have to sort out together (e.g. separating finances, sorting out any house stuff, children). Friendship blurs the lines imo. You need to start again without him and it's hard to do that if you're still talking to /seeing each other. I would take a huge step back, at least for now. It's understandable that you're lonely but you know things don't work with him. Don't sabotage finding someone else/better by holding onto him.

Thanks for the replies.

It's a very hard habit to break. I've been seeing a lot of him in recent months as the lockdown has made life lonelier I think.

Don't sabotage finding someone else/better by holding onto him
Thank you. I did just what you describe years ago when we were getting back together. A lovely man asked me out and I knew he was relationship material. Even though things were fraught with my ex, I felt I had to stick to my decision and said no to being asked out. I still think of that man from time to time.

Can anyone shed light on how you cope without the emotional support of your ex?

I am financially independent, I have my own career, I am no longer sexually attracted to my ex husband but the emotional support pulls me back time and time again. I really don’t know how I’ll move on...

I have plenty of friends but I couldn’t be ringing them to vent about work etc and nor would I feel comfortable with it. I was seeing a therapist for quite a while but that’s on hold for now (& not a lifelong strategy).

Surely someone can relate to this or am I odd?

Thoughts welcome. Thanks in advance xxx

Can anyone shed light on how you cope without the emotional support of your ex?

This sounds pretty dark, but to get through my toughest break up and completely end contact I imagined my ex was dead.
Uncontactable. All gone. I grieved - like properly grieved that relationship and did heal. It was lonely, it's always going to be.

In a less dramatic way, you have to make a decision. Decided in your mind if you want to move forward with him or without him. The friendship / emotional support thing clearly isn't working. It's a hindrance to your progress. If you make the decision to proceed with life without him, be as stubborn as you can - zero set backs.

You can cope on your own, vent your stresses to yourself if you can't go to friends. Possibly a therapist. He can't be your shoulder if you want to move on and you have to unlearn those old habits.

@Housing101

One of the wisest poses I’ve read to date.

Yes I need to unlearn these bad habits and I know I keep delaying the grief because I find loss excruciating.

Venting to myself? Do you mean journaling? It got me through my teenage years so maybe it could work again ... thanks.

• posts

Could someone shed some light for me on a low day?

I have been having trouble sleeping (a chronic issue) and when I don’t sleep, everything seems worse the next day. I could cry at the drop of a hat today.

It’s at times like these that I really feel like picking up the phone and telling H just how sad and lonely I feel. It’s on a day like today that I end up on his doorstep looking for a hug from our dog (who he has). But I shouldn’t, should I?

This is so hard and I don’t know if I can do it.

I’m meeting a friend for a walk later but I still feel deeply sad.

Anyone? I’m really struggling today.

I don’t know how I’m going to continue to do this. How on earth did ye go through separations?

You find another strategy. Start doing online exercise. Find online groups. Can you get yourself a dog? You sound co-dependent. Find an online therapist to talk to. You need support but not from him. Distraction. You need to fill your life with other things

Thanks for replying. I’m very much at my wit’s end. We split 6 months ago and everyone told me how strong I was but it’s really hitting me now with all the extra time I have (lockdown) and I can’t sleep at night.

I can’t get a dog as I am sharing a rental with two others but I’d love to.

You’re right — I am codependent and I read Codependent No More twice.

I’m just so scared. I’m stewing in guilt and regret and starting to feel really bad about myself. Will I ever get over this? I feel like I’ve f**ked up my life.

@Readingandrighting

Thanks for replying. I’m very much at my wit’s end. We split 6 months ago and everyone told me how strong I was but it’s really hitting me now with all the extra time I have (lockdown) and I can’t sleep at night.

I can’t get a dog as I am sharing a rental with two others but I’d love to.

You’re right — I am codependent and I read Codependent No More twice.

I’m just so scared. I’m stewing in guilt and regret and starting to feel really bad about myself. Will I ever get over this? I feel like I’ve f**ked up my life.

Bless you op, you are in a bit of a state partly because you believe that the emotions you're experiencing signify something you need to take action on.

My mum is like this, every time she tries to leave a partner, she feels strong emotions (naturally), and then massively panics and rushes back to the ex to make the emotions go away, because she assumes that emotions are things that need to be stopped or removed. Whereas in fact they are just a natural part of the change process.

You can just have emotions.

You don't have to make them go away. You can let them exist.

I got through my divorce by telling myself every day "it's ok to hurt", over and over again. I cried in the supermarket, in the street, whispering this phrase to myself. I too tried to stay friends with my ex but in the end I realised I was being selfish and he deserved a chance to move on as well.

I think you might benefit from some coaching from a counselor on how to manage your own emotions. Codependency is really about you using other people like a drug to numb your feelings- just like they were heroin. You have a chance here to break that addiction and learn to take care of yourself properly. If you manage that, you will be a lot less vulnerable to future issues in relationships as well. Because you won't "need" that other person.

Does he ever contact you first ?

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

Thank you so very much. Everything you wrote rings so true. I was seeing a therapist (& am going to go back) but maybe self-soothing & emotional regulation is what I should be focusing on as I am just like your mother...in every single relationship but in some ways, it is messing up my life.

I’d love to get into a healthy loving non-needy relationship. It might be too late for children.

@Nobodysplusone

He sometimes contacts me first with photographs of our dog but it’s usually me making the first contact.

I’m
Essentially in the danger zone. I would literally move back in with my ex at this stage (living in a less than fabulous set-up right now). Seesaw Marjory Daw

You need to read the first part of your opening post on here.
Moved forwards not backwards.
I've just split up with someone who I would love to go running back to - but it's not an option - I can't put myself through that hurt again, so I have to be strong and yes, pretend he's dead

Thanks for replying @Somethingmavelous Sorry to hear about your break-up and I hope you're feeling OK.

I really don't want to pretend he's dead. He isn't perfect but I still really care about him and want good things for him.

I'm just so darn lonely and this lockdown ain't helping. He's easier to be around than anyone else I know...but then, we've had four break-ups before so every time I feel like this, I go back and every time it doesn't work out

It sounds as if you could do with some really good coaching. The best I've ever found is

https://unfuckyourbrain.com

Start by having a look at some of the free podcasts. I'd call it a bit radical but it's also really powerful to realise that you and your brain can do anything and to see all the ways we hold ourselves back.

Hope you find what you need.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-closure-on-closure-we-cannot-always-get-all-of-the-answers/

If you are struggling to sleep could you try to physically vent your frustrations and emotions or try magnesium.
I have never written my emotional stuff down but it may work
There is bound to be someone who can support you besides him?
I have become closer to others by sharing everyday conversations, talking about general stuff, food.
This leads to change of mindset and distraction I feel more content and it takes the focus off myself.
I hate that numb empty feeling at the end of a relationship - the void.
It takes time it takes changing your habits and calling on others.
Your comfort zone is now out of sorts and it's time to either fully move on or continue the push pull.
Crying is good for you it is a release of stress and emotions & pmt. it is ok to feel.
If you are in a less than ideal situation it could be looked at as a temporary situation and one to move away from when you can.
Ask yourself if you went back to him how long until you revert to why it didn't work the previous time.