Never Had Clarity

[Readingandrighting]

Oh Mumsnet, you've been amazing.

My marriage ended after a period of me being treated quite badly and feeling very unhappy and quite simply miserable. Couples and individual counselling. We eventually agreed separation was the healthiest option.

I eventually found my own place and moved out. My ex and I managed to form a friendship. I'm desperately lonely!

...and now, I wonder for the 1000th time (we had 3 break-ups in the course of our long relationship) if I've made a mistake.

Why do I keep rowing back to him? Why is it so darn hard to let go?

Please be gentle.

Thanks. I’ll look at those later. I came over to his house (after he invited me after I texted him). I could see myself doing it as I was doing it. My friend says ‘it’s lockdown. It’s too hard right now. Do what you need to do to stay sane’ but I know all the issues will be right there waiting for me post-lockdown...

Cross post @Ricebubbles2 ! Thank you. Loneliness is a wretched thing as look what it makes me do. Yes, I need to continually reach out to others more but everyone has their own crap. No-one but a partner can listen to day to day detail & issues etc. I feel like I’m not sure how I’ll break this cycle. I can’t actually believe I broke up with him when I see myself now.

There’s no problem with being friends with an Ex but it takes time and appropriate boundaries. However, you are using your Ex as a crutch so you can avoid the difficult parts of being single.

Only you can break the cycle.

Thanks. My ex says that - that there’s no harm in friendship & we are a mutual support for one another right now. However, my living situation is stressful right now and I do turn to my ex for support. I think I’m slowly moving on in my head but sometimes I worry I’ll never get over it all.

What will you do when he moves on?

@JohnBarron

I suppose I’ll cry when he moves on but I know what you mean - this situation isn’t permanent but neither is lockdown. I know I’m prolonging the inevitable but it actually breaks my heart to imagine not having him in my life at all.

AgentJohnson said he’s a crutch to avoid the difficult parts of being single & I guess that’s true. I guess I’m really sad I’m single & that this is my life now: 40 years of age & feeling quite disenfranchised. I seek gratitude every day & I work hard but when the working day is over, it’s lonely. In some ways I’m not ready to look for another man. I’d love a fun relationship but I had some horrid experiences OLD before so not sure I can handle it again.

I just had to check I didn't post this myself ages ago!

I've been in a similar situation. A 5 year relationship with a lovely man, but we broke up so many times I've lost count actually. I loved him, but now he has days enough is enough, quite rightly so. I miss him so much. I wish we'd just been friends and could have stayed that, but I think it's very difficult if not impossible to be just friends after being in a relationship.

It's only been a day since we finally split for good. There's no going back this time. It's not good for either of us. In hindsight I think I was on the rebound from my previous relationship, but I just fell in love with him.

Anyway, I understand. I'm feeling really lonely and I've an empty feeling inside me. I'm scared too. Not sure how I'll cope without him. Especially in lockdown it's so difficult. I only see my mother.

Feel free to message me if you need to chat.

@MsKL

Thanks for sharing. Sorry to hear about your break-up. Isn’t it just the pits when friendship would be far better than a relationship? but I know my H wants to meet someone & I do too underneath it all ... but letting go is just not easy. I’m proud of myself for moving out but H & I had some pretty bad times that led me to that. He had a short fuse & was sometimes not too nice to me at all; I guess I didn’t behave wonderfully by dumping him & going back time & again. God when I write it down I see it for the mess that it is.

I can't even think about how many times we split up. I haven't allowed my ex to move on with his life and I feel guilty. But on the other hand it takes two doesn't it? We're doing it now the time is right, better than never. But yes it's lonely, I miss talking to someone who knows me so well. I miss the feel of his body and his smell. But I'm clinging to the fact that with time it will fade.

The points raised in this thread resonate so strongly. It’s now a little over two weeks since my wife dropped her massive bombshell and told me she wanted to separate and that there was another person involved. In that time she has left the family home, returned (for work and other appointments) and, at my request, left again.

Despite having two young adult sons living at home with me, the sense of isolation and loneliness , the lack of physical contact and the feelings of rejection are at times just overwhelming and are being further amplified by the lockdown. I so miss the companionship and conversations with someone you know so well, that sense of shared experience and support but there is a dawning realisation that any resolution, any forward progress is all down to me now.

My wife has previously indicated that she wants to be friends as if that is going to help me deal with what she has done but I can’t see that happening and do I want it to? The hurt is immeasurable and the damage probably irreparable.

I have started on personal counselling to try and gain clarity and put my own support structures in place. I asked her to leave , not because I simply needed space as she likes to believe but because I couldn’t cope with her coming and going , alternating between the semi-normality of home life , seeing her , still wanting her and then awareness of her packing stuff for time with the other person.

She now says it was never her intention to leave permanently and she is planning to come back to the home next week...for a hair appointment nonetheless , but I don’t think for a moment it is permanent or as a result of reflecting on her actions or the other relationship fizzling. Misplaced guilt over abandoning her family perhaps...I know I can’t actually prevent her from returning to the home but I don’t think this is a good move or morally right. Made bed...must lie etc.

My fear is that those small steps I’ve managed to take, those little daily improvements will be instantly undone and I’ll be back to square 1.

@sbmb

Sorry to hear that. That sounds tough. All you can do is be emotionally authentic. Throughout all I went through with my ex: his financial difficulties & lies, my ending the relationship, his pleas for me to go back, me going back, his poor treatment of me (screaming at me & monitoring my food intake), counselling, our final demise ... throughout it all, there were good times in there! Weird as it sounds, I’ve stripped away so much of the anger at him: how I feel cheated out of children or a ‘conventional’ life - and underneath is hurt, fear of abandonment & a desire to be loved truly and deeply and without fear.

You can probably not imagine it now but my advice is to forgive forgive ... don’t EVER take her back but remember she’s flawed like the rest of us and don’t buy in to the binaries Mumsnet purports.

According to MN my ex was an emotional abuser but I don’t see it that way anymore. I see a flawed man who loved me but could never figure out how to show it .

Much love to you. Life really is crazy but we only get one, so let’s just live, love & forgive.

I wish you healing in these dark days.