Covid scared step mum

[CovidScared]

Good afternoon,

I was wondering if anyone could help please. I am married to a lovely man and we have a one year old son together. My other half also has another son (aged 5) by a lady and three daughter (aged 13,15 and 20) by another. We see them every other weekend.
At the start of lock down the old girls weren’t being as safe and we thought necessary and between me, my other half and his ex wife we decided that we wouldn’t have them over to stay. Instead we would take them on days out.
Since then we have moved house, in to a much smaller house.
Myself and my husband took the girls out for lunch the other day without our little one, when we went to pick them up from their home, their mother shouted at both myself and my husband telling us that we are selfish for not having the girls come to stay. I tried to explain that it wasn’t because we didn’t want to see them but because our son is young and my father is in several high risk categories. She told us that she wants them to stay every other weekend again like they use to. My concern is that they are going to school, uni and work. The only other person that has contact with anyone outside of our home is my husband and that due to his work. Is it unreasonable for me to ask him that we see his children outside, that they don’t stay over as covid cases are rising? I’m really concerned now that babies and toddlers are getting ill that my son will get it and he’s not old enough to understand not to go near his half sisters?
I’m trying so hard to think of everything but I’m a little bit tired of feeling bullied by my husbands exes. Where do I stand on making sure my little boy is safe?

Thank you

X

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic for the OP.

You're putting your child first and the girls' mum is putting them first. It's the same thing. The girls need to see their father and feel like they have a home with you. What does he say about it all?

Wow.

Your dh should be having his children on his access weekends.

“Wow.

Your dh should be having his children on his access weekends.”

This with bells on. It’s completely wrong that you are asking your H to put you and your family ahead of his own daughters.

I think you're over reacting and being unfair. Your step daughters deserve to spend proper time with their Dad just the same as your child. Sounds like you're being slightly paranoid about the risks too its not like they're working in covid wards.

How would you deal with it if they were your daughters? Would you be happy to barely see them & not have them in your home.

Theyre part of your family you need to start thinking of them and treating them as such

The 20 year old surely is not coming over for access weekends

Why would she not want to stay at her Dads & spend time with him though? Its probably not looked on as access though.
It doesn't sound as if she'd be particularly welcome at any time.

Why should their mom have all the risk. Of course they should stay with their Dad.

Your DH is a father to all those children. He cannot prioritise your child over his other children. They have as much need to see their dad and spend functional time with him (which includes just hanging out) as your child does.
I get that your worried, but he shouldn't be picking you, the youngest and your dad over them.
Their needs need to be met by him, just like your sons (less than your dad's)

Sorry but you're being completely over the top! You've banned your husbands own children from staying with their dad?!

If you're son gets it he will be fine, young children are not badly affected.

I'm not surprised their mother is mad, I'd be fucking livid if I was her!

Why did you move home to a house that isn't big enough to accommodate all of your husband's children?

Yes they should be able to stay over. You can’t insist that they don’t, that’s not fair in them and you are being unreasonable. My dsd lives an area with much higher cases than us but still comes to stay.

But you also mention you’ve moved to a much smaller house?? That seems slightly odd as you have 5 children altogether. Do you mean you know live somewhere too small for them to stay anyway?

*now not know!

He's got 5 kids, he needs to act like he's got 5 kids!

And, when this is all over - how are you going to facilitate sufficient contact if you've downsized to a "much smaller house" ? It sounds like you're actively putting barriers in the way of contact. No wonder his ex wives are pissed off.

All kids under 18 should carry on seeing their other parent as normal. Mine see their dad every weekend despite his partner being on the shielding list (he hasn’t raised any concerns).

Why move to a smaller house when you have step children who stay over?

Sorry, op. It is outrageous that you would deny these children appropriate time with their dad. You married a man with children, this is the deal.

Fast forward 10 years. If this was your son, you were divorced from your husband, and there was another pandemic, would you be happy for him to not see his dad?

The usual parental contact is allowed even in full lockdown, children can see both parents in both households. This is one of the complications of being in a relationship with someone with children to different partners, but it's still allowed for them all to have contact, you have to consider their needs emotional and mental, this looks like they're second best and an inconvenience

They are his kids. He should be having them to stay. It’s utterly selfish to just say no. I’d be furious if I was his ex wife and be shouting too, he needs to start having them again.

He also has FIVE kids. Why did you move to a smaller place ?!

Is your son particularly vulnerable for any reason? If not I think not allowing them to come to your house is OTT Personally.
Also although you are seeing them only for dinner etc surely their dad still kisses/cuddles them? If so there would pass anything on anyway?

What do you think people are doing who have small children and older children living in the same house? If you skipped forward 12 years would you tell your child they couldn’t see you if the same situation occurred?

You moved to a house too small to accommodate all of his children? Covid was the perfect excuse by the sound of it.

It's only under 18s that are able to move between parents houses for access weekends. I'm not sure what happens in situations like this where some are under and some over 18. Feels a bit weird saying some can come and some can't.

Turn your telly OFF!.

This is probably not consciously your intention, OP, but it reads like your DH’s children from his previous marriages are being squeezed out and that’s not okay. As a PP said, imagine if it were your son being squeezed out 10 years from now.

Because your son is still tiny and your DH’s other children are considerably older and in many ways self-sufficient, you may imagine they don’t really need their dad that much. In fact, teenagers really need their parents but in a different way which is much more to do with emotional support. It’s so important to your DH’s daughters’ well-being that they should feel important to and valued by their father. This is precisely the kind of thing that feeds into the choices they make about romantic relationships and whether they expect to be treated well or will tolerate mistreatment because of low self-esteem.

The kids are 13 and 15? Surely both at school, not uni/work??