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Original poster

Covid scared step mum

41 replies

CovidScared · 01/01/2021 18:15

Good afternoon,

I was wondering if anyone could help please. I am married to a lovely man and we have a one year old son together. My other half also has another son (aged 5) by a lady and three daughter (aged 13,15 and 20) by another. We see them every other weekend.
At the start of lock down the old girls weren’t being as safe and we thought necessary and between me, my other half and his ex wife we decided that we wouldn’t have them over to stay. Instead we would take them on days out.
Since then we have moved house, in to a much smaller house.
Myself and my husband took the girls out for lunch the other day without our little one, when we went to pick them up from their home, their mother shouted at both myself and my husband telling us that we are selfish for not having the girls come to stay. I tried to explain that it wasn’t because we didn’t want to see them but because our son is young and my father is in several high risk categories. She told us that she wants them to stay every other weekend again like they use to. My concern is that they are going to school, uni and work. The only other person that has contact with anyone outside of our home is my husband and that due to his work. Is it unreasonable for me to ask him that we see his children outside, that they don’t stay over as covid cases are rising? I’m really concerned now that babies and toddlers are getting ill that my son will get it and he’s not old enough to understand not to go near his half sisters?
I’m trying so hard to think of everything but I’m a little bit tired of feeling bullied by my husbands exes. Where do I stand on making sure my little boy is safe?

Thank you

X

OP posts:
bejebees · 27/01/2021 23:49

I’m with you, scared stepmum. Very similar situation here. Too risky to have this much mixing of households. Everyone is safer by us not continuing with normal arrangements. Would be devastating for all the children if anyone died or ended up permanently incapacitated by covid.

Treemama · 28/01/2021 00:24

It seems that you bubble with your own Dad OP. If you're worried about mixing with your partner's children why don't you and your ds spend those weekends at your Dads? Your partner's children have all the right to spend time with their father.

Bejeebes · 28/01/2021 06:47

@Treemama

It seems that you bubble with your own Dad OP. If you're worried about mixing with your partner's children why don't you and your ds spend those weekends at your Dads? Your partner's children have all the right to spend time with their father.
That wouldn’t prevent transmission would it. If the older children had it then the OH would potentially pass it on to OP and his youngest regardless of whether OP and the youngest child went away at weekends.
Treemama · 28/01/2021 09:03

@Bejeebes OP's dh works and has contact with other people. Why his older children should be the ones sacrificed?

Bejeebes · 28/01/2021 09:09

[quote Treemama]@Bejeebes OP's dh works and has contact with other people. Why his older children should be the ones sacrificed?[/quote]
He’s clinically vulnerable. I imagine he can socially distance from people at work but near impossible to do that with your children at home. The point is any one in the family, most likely OP’s OH, could be sacrificed to covid by mixing households and increasing risk in this way. This virus is killing off whole families.

Bejeebes · 28/01/2021 09:10

[quote Treemama]@Bejeebes OP's dh works and has contact with other people. Why his older children should be the ones sacrificed?[/quote]
Also, if the OP’s OH cannot work I imagine he will not be able to support anyone in the family including the older children.

Clymene · 28/01/2021 09:15

It's the OP's dad who is clinically vulnerable @Bejeebes, not her husband.

There are thousands of clinically vulnerable parents up and down the country who are battling this every day but don't have the choice not to see their children. Your partner is a dad to 5 children OP, not just yours. You knew that when you chose to have a baby with him and it's unacceptable for him /you to decide he's not going to parent them at the moment.

Bejeebes · 28/01/2021 09:22

My mistake, but I’m appalled by your moralising and that of others on here. Who is to say he’s not parenting them? You have a very narrow definition if so. Who knew we were going to face a pandemic that would cause mixing households to be a potentially deadly or debilitating thing. I would rather we all lived in order to parent the kids in the long term rather than be short sighted and one of us get very ill or worse now. The judiciary has said that separated parents ‘can’ mix households, not that they must. They also say that where one parent feels a need to change arrangements due to risk this is ok www.judiciary.uk/announcements/coronavirus-crisis-guidance-on-compliance-with-family-court-child-arrangement-orders/ We are looking after all our children in the best way we can by keeping households separate at present and protecting everyone’s health.

Clymene · 28/01/2021 09:26

Moralising? He's their dad.

Damn right I'm moralising.

Clymene · 28/01/2021 09:27

And I'm parenting my teenagers at the moment. It doesn't involve living in a separate house from them and going for the occasional walk - how is that parenting exactly?

Bejeebes · 28/01/2021 09:27

@Clymene

It's the OP's dad who is clinically vulnerable *@Bejeebes*, not her husband.

There are thousands of clinically vulnerable parents up and down the country who are battling this every day but don't have the choice not to see their children. Your partner is a dad to 5 children OP, not just yours. You knew that when you chose to have a baby with him and it's unacceptable for him /you to decide he's not going to parent them at the moment.

Clinically vulnerable parents who are not separated can stay at home and can home school their children if it is possible and they do wish. They are at significantly less risk by not having to mix households. It’s a very sad and unfortunate risk that mixing households increases your risk significantly. The lives of separated parents are complicated. Not fair to say ‘you knew what you were getting into’. Equally you could say whichever parent ended the original relationship should have known that they were going to have to deal with complications of being separated parents. No one could have planned for or foresaw the arrival of a deadly pandemic!
Bejeebes · 28/01/2021 09:29

You going to keep moralising when one of the family (or more) is in an early grave?

Clymene · 28/01/2021 09:31

None of them are clinically vulnerable Confused

Bejeebes · 28/01/2021 10:02

@Clymene

None of them are clinically vulnerable Confused
Plenty of non clinically vulnerable people dying including a friend of mine in his forties who died alone in hospital after being there for three weeks.
mindutopia · 28/01/2021 10:22

Surely at the moment, none of them are in school or uni. You should, of course, have them over to stay. They want to see their dad. There's no significant added risk to having them come to stay if you are already seeing them in a non-socially distanced way.

Bejeebes · 28/01/2021 11:30

OP do what you and you OH feel you need to do, given this completely unprecedented situation which risks everyone’s lives. The judiciary say you should. So does every professional we’ve talked to asking for advice, because we’re not callous uncaring parents / stepparents. We simply think it is not worth risking anyone getting seriously ill or dying in our family and the trauma that would cause all of us. There are many separated parents who feel the same. And there are many ways to continue to parent without physical contact at this time. This new strain is particularly virulent and harmful. No one knows the long term effects of long covid (which many children and teens are suffering from). At least 100000 have died of this already in the UK, we’re living in a particularly unsafe country and there’s no indication that things are going to get safer soon. Kids don’t see parents for prolonged periods for a variety of reasons. It’s a terrible situation but it’d be far more terrible for your family if anyone died.

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