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Original poster

Is this emotional incest?

48 replies

Rosemary26 · 01/01/2021 13:41

I’ve had an off feeling about my partner’s relationship with his mother for some time now. He told me that, when he was around 11-12, he had sexual feelings/fantasies toward her. “She took care of me in every other way, it made sense to me then that she might in that way as well.”

Um.

I don’t know if she has any idea about this, but I have noticed that her behavior toward him emotionally kind of weirds me out. It’s like he can do no wrong, the way she strokes his ego even when he has made a mistake. She’s about to go through a divorce now (with a man who is not his dad) and she’s in near constant contact with him about this. If we so much as have a silly fight he immediately runs to her to share the details. He’s okay with her talking bad about me. He initiates it.

I think one of the most troubling things I witnessed was her telling him randomly about how she’s stopped getting her period and is going through menopause. He was full of questions and went on to recommend vitamins to her.

I don’t know. I’m preparing to end this relationship for many other reasons. Just trying to process what’s gone on. Am I overreacting about this, is this normal?

Oh, and he’s long pushed for me to color my hair red. ...His mom’s a redhead.

OP posts:
Happytentoes · 01/01/2021 13:47

Well the menopause thing is fine - I mean why shouldn’t she tell him if it’s concerning her health and he is in a position to recommend vitamins.
But the redhead thing - now that would have me running a mile...

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 01/01/2021 13:48

I don’t have any great advice, people are complicated.
Did he over share or were you having a very personal conversation when he told you this? He could have been trying to approach a kink with you or he could be a tone deaf immature man.

Raidblunner · 01/01/2021 13:48

Eeeesh definitely sounds like Oedipus syndrome to me. So very wrong but happens more often than people like to think it does. Keep running and don't look back.

Original poster
Rosemary26 · 01/01/2021 13:54

@Mustbe3ormorecharacters

I don’t quite remember how that talk started. I think he was randomly talking about puberty and such. He acted as if he was telling me something normal or common.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/01/2021 13:57

What do you get out of this relationship now?

Why are you and he together at all?. He is in an enmeshed codependent relationship with his mother and no woman will ever in his eyes be as good as she is. He will always put her first through her conditioning of him to do so and he wants you to have her hair colour too.

Bluntness100 · 01/01/2021 13:58

Yeah I’d be out. I’m hoping this isn’t real because anyone who wanted to stay and shag someone who said they once had sexual feelings for their own mother and then wants them to colour their hair to look like said mother, has some issues of their own. Sorry op.

Namechangedforthisoct2 · 01/01/2021 13:58

I would say if your spidey senses are picking something like that up, it’s probably accurate, in the way that it’s not a healthy relationship you’re happy for a partner to have with his mother.

I once had this with an exes sister - greeted at airport by jumping up and wrapping her legs around him, him bouncing her up and down, massages and spot squeezing whilst sun bathing, gave him a blow up sex doll for his birthday with her underwear on it.....,, you get the picture!!

Thank fuck up out of that relationship and strange family!!!

I’d run >>>>

Nomoresleeps · 01/01/2021 14:01

Definitely weird and not the norm, especially the redhead thing.

Branleuse · 01/01/2021 14:04

Thats quite a thing for him to admit to you. Wow

Orf1abc · 01/01/2021 14:06

This is not unusual at all, it's just something we don't talk about. This article explains it in lay terms, but there is a good amount of research on the subject.

www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19919498/why-men-are-attracted-to-women-who-look-like-their-moms/

Original poster
Rosemary26 · 01/01/2021 14:08

@Bluntness100

For the majority of our relationship I hadn’t met his mother and he hardly spoke of her, only saying that they had a strained relationship. It wasn’t until after I moved to be closer to him that all of that changed. They started speaking again. Then came the rest of it. I should have left at the first signs of this.

OP posts:
babbaloushka · 01/01/2021 14:30

Very odd.

Barmyfarmy · 01/01/2021 14:32

OP this does sound like the Oedipus complex. He likely doesn't realise the link between hair colours or his close relationship with his mother.

If you don't feel you can approach this subject with him i.e. ask him whether he still has those feelings about her or whether as PP said, it's a kink thing he's suggesting, you should really be considering whether it's time to make a plan to leave him. Clearly this is an issue that greatly impacts the way you feel about him and I would assume this sort of issue won't ever go away.

The fact they had a strained relationship could potentially be because he had these feelings for her that pushed him to go NC. Now that they're talking and SO close already suggests he's been able to either eradicate those thoughts, or he's accepting them.

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 01/01/2021 14:33

@Rosemary26 “I should have left at the first sign of this.”
It’s not too late!

Zoflorabore · 01/01/2021 14:34

Op please trust your gut instinct. It’s very rarely wrong.

Also, would you feel comfortable ( in due time of course ) having children with this man? I doubt you would.

Get out now before you’re tied to him in any way.

HollowTalk · 01/01/2021 14:35

I couldn't get past that. I'd feel sick and wouldn't want to see him again.

What are your other reasons for ending it?

Redflaggs · 01/01/2021 14:37

@Rosemary26 the issue is if he is perfect then she is a ' perfect mother'

If she acts like he's perfect then ' he's a perfect son/ man'
No need to take responsibility for his or her actions.

My ex told me, when he got his hair cut, he was on his way to see me. His mother said ' if I was younger...

He told me and I was like ' for fuck sake I'm dating a mummy's boy! Guess what

I was right!
He blow £15k in two years on porn sites, fags and Doctor pepper lol 😂 and most that money was from his parents clearing his credit debt that he keep spending again.

He hasn't seen his son for a year. Still plays the victim.
It's about their ego.
Run run run it won't ever get better

Satsumatrifle · 01/01/2021 14:38

That's really interesting that they're close again now you're on the scene. Is that because they bond over a common enemy or because it feels safe to be close to his mum now he 'has someone'? Either way, how toxic. He's clearly not ready to be in a relationship but you've realised that.

Whatisthis4 · 01/01/2021 15:02

I'm getting the ick second hand through your post, can't imagine what it's like first hand. Go with your gut, sounds like even without all the creepy boundary blurring and lack of acknowlement that its all odd from an adult perspective now - the fact that he pours out every detail of your relationship to her and makes her the third person in your relationship (without you being able to defend yourself) is a giant red (haired) flag on its own. Why weren't they speaking? Their relationship seems a bit extreme.

Also @Namechangedforthisoct2 ...wow. just...wow. congrats for getting away from whatever that was. Confused

WorrierorWarrior · 01/01/2021 15:21

This is loaded with red flags. I had a H who was very strange about his mother. I found the whole family a bit strange but I thought it was just because they were not my family and different families have different views etc. He was constantly favouring his mother over me (or the DC). I got fed up with it and parted from him.

Looking back now it was all vey strange and I should have got rid sooner.

Mammyloveswine · 01/01/2021 15:27

So weird OP! Definitely get out!

Opinionator · 01/01/2021 15:27

Sounds to me like he was a little boy who was confused about sex etc. I'm sure it was hard for him to share this with you, please be kind to him about it.

The period/menopause thing is fine tbh, if it were a daughter speaking with her father about man's problems, would you look into it as much? I know that I wouldn't.

The fact that he wants you to dye your hair is normal. Some men like redheads, and it might well be linked to his mothers hair colour, but that doesn't mean he wants to bed his mum lol I'm sure there's some sort of psychology behind a boy wanting his partner/spouse to be like his mother though. Seems strange, but I actually think it's very common. It's similar to the "all girls marry their fathers" expression.

Sounds to me like you want to end the relationship and you're using this as an excuse to do so. If you're unhappy, just leave babe. Life's too short to be unhappy! But please don't tell anyone about what he told you about his mother, as that would be incredibly cruel. Not saying you would, but just incase.

Take care!

Bluntness100 · 01/01/2021 15:29

[quote Rosemary26]@Bluntness100

For the majority of our relationship I hadn’t met his mother and he hardly spoke of her, only saying that they had a strained relationship. It wasn’t until after I moved to be closer to him that all of that changed. They started speaking again. Then came the rest of it. I should have left at the first signs of this.[/quote]
Well yes. So how come you’re still there? It isn’t a case of if you didn’t leave then you can never leave.

Original poster
Rosemary26 · 01/01/2021 15:46

@Bluntness100

I’m still here now because I am rather trapped. We’d initially planned on getting me citizenship, but I’ve come to realize he’s had no real intention of doing that. He’s spent my savings. There’s no one I can ask for help to get me back to my home country, no family. I have inheritance money coming to me soon that I will use to leave. Within the next month.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosemary26 · 01/01/2021 15:50

@HollowTalk

My other reasons for ending it are that I now know we aren’t actually compatible. I’ve seen that he was pretending with me for a long time, because he isn’t who I thought he was. He’s been quite abusive, isolating and scary.

OP posts: