Is this emotional incest?

[Rosemary26]

I’ve had an off feeling about my partner’s relationship with his mother for some time now. He told me that, when he was around 11-12, he had sexual feelings/fantasies toward her. “She took care of me in every other way, it made sense to me then that she might in that way as well.”

Um.

I don’t know if she has any idea about this, but I have noticed that her behavior toward him emotionally kind of weirds me out. It’s like he can do no wrong, the way she strokes his ego even when he has made a mistake. She’s about to go through a divorce now (with a man who is not his dad) and she’s in near constant contact with him about this. If we so much as have a silly fight he immediately runs to her to share the details. He’s okay with her talking bad about me. He initiates it.

I think one of the most troubling things I witnessed was her telling him randomly about how she’s stopped getting her period and is going through menopause. He was full of questions and went on to recommend vitamins to her.

I don’t know. I’m preparing to end this relationship for many other reasons. Just trying to process what’s gone on. Am I overreacting about this, is this normal?

Oh, and he’s long pushed for me to color my hair red. ...His mom’s a redhead.

How was he able to spend your savings OP?

@HyacynthBucket

When lockdown started happening he lost his job. He qualified for government assistance, but he could no longer afford his typical way of life. I wanted to help as best I could with rent and other important payments, although I didn’t have much saved to begin with, and before I knew it my accounts were drained. He said I should be depending on him, that there was no need to have a “nest egg” squirreled away.

I have arranged a new account that I will keep secure and locked down.

I think it’s quite normal for a mother and son to talk about her impending divorce.

Is he an only child? It’s not unusual for a mother to defend her son at all costs either.

Regarding talking about arguement, have you discussed about how you would like to keep that private, and you’d rather your mil didn’t know about everything about your relationship.

You say you want to end this relationship. I guess this is one of the many factors that doesn’t quite sit right.

You have used a phrase I have never heard before, but regardless of what you term it, still weird, and I think your decision to leave is the correct one.

Have a read up on enmeshed relationships, OP. The see what you think...!

You mentioned your partner and his mum had had no contact for a long time. You don't mean they'd been separated for many years whilst he was growing up do you? As there is a very rare condition known as genetic sexual attraction that very occasionally happens in these cases. (It is very rare though so I wouldn't jump to this conclusion)

Okay so I get that it sounds really... ick.

But thinking back to my psychology days at uni, we actually did learn about this kind of thing and it isn't uncommon for children to be confused like this about their parents in some way or another as they are growing up. Not in the sexual way we as adults know and understand but as they are trying to navigate relationships and develop understanding of different things.

It's why, for example, boys may tend to be more upset about mum moving on to a new boyfriend or girls may be more upset about dad getting a girlfriend etc... Lots of daughters say they are going to marry Daddy when they are younger for example. As children it's difficult to understand the differences between sexual / romantic love and other types of love.

I could see it in my own DSS when his mum met her now husband. He was very upset about it in a way he just wasn't when his dad met me. In his head he didn't understand that the love mummy had for her partner was different to the love she had for him and that it didn't take away from that. He just saw a new man getting mummies love and he didn't like it. It doesn't mean that he's going to grow up to be romantically in love with his mum obviously!

It may sound odd and it's not something I'd personally think to bring up in a conversation but I don't think it's an unheard of thing tbh and I wouldn't really read anymore into that side of things because he had some confusing thoughts/feelings when he was 11.

Reminds of Norman Bates in Bates Motel. I'd definitely leave.

@JovialNickname

No, he was raised by her. There was no separation. When he reached his early 20s they had a falling out. I don’t know why.

I think you’re unfair to judge the man he is now based on his feelings as a kid. I think a psycho sexual therapist would tell you that those kinds of fantasies are not unusual. I do think the admission is colouring how you view his interactions with her now. You’ve decided that her discussing the menopause is wrong for example- why is that? Is it because in your mind women don’t discuss menopause and it’s something private - certainly not to be discussed with Male relatives? That’s not to say he isn’t a dickhead or waste of space for other reasons but not for those particular examples.

Can you fish around and see what the falling out was over ? May answer a lot of questions !

Rosemary, I commented on your other current thread about your partner treating you like an option. He convinced you to move before applying for a visa, lying that his mother knew an alternative route. He has isolated you, talks down to you, and tries to control you. We all advised you to return home to the U.S. asap.

This additional information adds to the urgency. He has spent your savings. He lacks healthy emotional boundaries with his mother. Pleasing her is his priority and they are treating you with contempt. He runs to her with all the details of your arguments and they both slag you off? Despicable.

This manipulative man will continue to abuse you emotionally and financially. Please protect yourself and your inheritance by moving back to the U.S. as soon as you can.

@MsDogLady

Thank you for commenting here 💐
I promise I will be moving back to the U.S. as soon as I can. Thanks to the help and emotional support from you and others here, I’m starting to think more clearly about what has gone on and I cannot allow it to continue. Hopefully 2021 will be a year of rebuilding my life 🙏

Hi just a thought can your inheritance be lodged into your US home bank account just to be safe than having it sent to a uk account. Fingers crossed for you to be home safe and quickly and new beginnings.

@Mustbe3ormorecharacters

I don’t have any great advice, people are complicated. Did he over share or were you having a very personal conversation when he told you this? He could have been trying to approach a kink with you or he could be a tone deaf immature man.

Oh well if it’s a “kink” then of course it’s all totally fine.

You need to end it. That's not normal. Also his behaviour about your finances sounds abusive.

This is not actually that unusual.

Many women treat their sons life mini husbands and some go further and cross the boundaries of parent and child relationship. Especially when the son gets a partner.

And yes it’s really creepy. Ditch him. He has obviously wanker off over his mother. Grim

Erk.

It's called the Oedipus concept and is really quite odd. My ex had it towards his mum looking back, encouraged by her

@worriedandannoyed

It's called the Oedipus concept and is really quite odd. My ex had it towards his mum looking back, encouraged by her

Sorry Oedipus complex

Wow OP. Obviously really weird. I couldn't cope with that.

If we so much as have a silly fight he immediately runs to her to share the details. He’s okay with her talking bad about me. He initiates it.

That's your reason to get out.

The rest is irrelevant.

🤢