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Original poster

Friends with benefits

33 replies

Abcdefgh12345 · 01/01/2021 07:38

Ok leading on from my last post.

So the 42 year old man I've been seeing. We met 4 months ago on a dating site. Both wasn't ready for a relationship. Agreed to friends with benefits.

Anyway he has a female friend he also met on a dating site but she wasn't his type. They have been best mates a year. Do everything together. They've never slept together or even kissed. Apparently who knows.

He said that she is quite controlling and wants to spend most days with him doing stuff. Running, walking, exploring etc.

He spent Xmas eve day and Boxing Day with her and New Year's Eve with me. Even though she got shitty with him.

She then told him they are going to watch the sunrise at 7am soooooooo after an amazing night with him where he told me he had feelings for me etc. He has got up at 7 and gone to meet her as he thought that was fair.

Am I wrong to feel a bit pissed off?
As the way he sees it he is being fair to both of us. I got New Year's Eve and she got New Year's Day

OP posts:
FirTree31 · 01/01/2021 07:40

So, you're in an open relationship? That's what the last line of your post sounds like.

Christmasnamechange1234 · 01/01/2021 07:41

Bin him, he’s playing games.

ElfieElfington · 01/01/2021 07:51

He's currently in a relationship with her but getting sex from you. You need to decide how you want this to play out then tell him, but be prepared to walk away, don't fight over a man.

sofato5miles · 01/01/2021 07:52

Hmm. Simply not good enough. Walk away...

Original poster
Abcdefgh12345 · 01/01/2021 07:55

They're not in a relationship. They're just good mates. He doesn't stay at her house and he says I can come to his whenever and just walk in.

OP posts:
RileyG73 · 01/01/2021 07:55

They're defo in a relationship.

Respectabitch · 01/01/2021 07:56

Waaaaaay too much drama and complication. He's messing you about. Bin him off and tighten up your boundaries.

Lex345 · 01/01/2021 07:56

Am I wrong to feel a bit pissed off?
As the way he sees it he is being fair to both of us. I got New Year's Eve and she got New Year's Day

Sorry but he sounds so arrogant just by that comment; both women want to be with me, aren't they lucky I split myself in teo so they can both benefit from my company!

I wouldn't want to be with someone who cannot see why doing this would be weird and self centred tbh.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/01/2021 07:57

It sounds like a head fuck which will make it even harder for you to be ready for a relationship. I’d walk away now

SnuggyBuggy · 01/01/2021 07:57

Whatever his relationship with her it doesn't sound like he feels committed to you.

waitrosetrollydolly · 01/01/2021 07:58

You are just filling the gaps in his otherwise fulfilling relationship. If that's ok with you keep doing it . If it's not, bin him.

Sally2791 · 01/01/2021 07:58

He’s enjoying the attention. Don’t allow him to manipulate you

Cupcakey · 01/01/2021 08:01

Is it actually his wife?? I wouldn't be standing for that. For him to be to so willing to answer to her demands I would say there's more to it than friends. Walk away before you get very hurt xx

samb80 · 01/01/2021 08:04

WTF!!

He's a grown man and it's being controlled by his mate hmmmmmm that on its own is pathetic.

If you are happy to share him as you clearly have been you do not have a right to be pissed off.

If you have feelings for each other and want to move into a relationship and he is leading you to believe that's what he wants, then yes you have a right to be pissed off.

If he's saying these things to you, why does he think he needs to be 'fair' to two women?

You are being played - move on!

Original poster
Abcdefgh12345 · 01/01/2021 08:09

It's not his wife.
He has a few good female friends.
But she is the most demanding. He can't say no to her. But there was a time where she wanted more from him but he told her no as he doesn't fancy her. She isn't good looking to be fair.

We don't just sleep together. We go out and do things throughout the day etc too.

OP posts:
Justa47 · 01/01/2021 08:11

@Abcdefgh12345

I think it has to choose who is more important. Simple.

Ps if you are doing stuff together it’s a relationship not FWB

WarmestRoomInTheHouse · 01/01/2021 08:41

Lots of women who aren't good looking have relationships you know.

I disagree that fwb means you don't do stuff together. However, I always think the friendship needs to pre date the benefits and can't come as a result of a failed relationship where one wants more than the other because then someone gets hurt.

Otherwise what you have is a weird 'situationship'.

I wouldn't be pissed off if a fwb left mine to meet a friend and I wouldn't expect them to be pissed off if I did either..

The nature of the relationship between him and the other woman is irrelevant to you. If you're getting pissed off then there are emotions involved and that is not a fwb.

A fwb is two friends who are really close and get on well who have a 'no strings' sexual element to their friendship that is purely that and nothing else. They're generally not exclusive and no one has the right to question what the othe gets up to.

I've had a few fwbs that have worked really well and I'd have ended any of them if I knew the other person was pissed off at other things I was doing. That's not in the remit of a fwb.

WarmestRoomInTheHouse · 01/01/2021 08:42

I don't think you can downgrade from a relationship to fwb

Original poster
Abcdefgh12345 · 01/01/2021 09:00

Ok. But he told me last night he has feelings for me.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Abcdefgh12345 · 01/01/2021 09:02

And why won't he tell her we're sleeping together
I believe it's because she wants more and he doesn't want to hurt her or compromise their friendship.

He spoke yesterday while sober about travelling in 3 years time with me.

OP posts:
SarahBellam · 01/01/2021 09:06

You’re FWB, not in a relationship. He can see whoever he wants whenever he wants. If you both agree to be in a relationship then I’d expect him to spend less time with his ‘friend’ but at the moment he’s doing nothing wrong and nothing you didn’t agree to. I suspect he won’t want to be in a relationship with you thought. It sounds like he’s having the time of his life.

crankysaurus · 01/01/2021 09:21

What do you actually want out of this yourself? If he's told you he has feelings for you, do you also?

Respectabitch · 01/01/2021 09:27

@Abcdefgh12345

Ok. But he told me last night he has feelings for me.....
I'm sorry but oh my god, GET A FUCKING GRIP. You're completely fooling yourself. You want a relationship and you're pretending like this "FWB" thing is fine with you. And then pass-agg trying to make it into a relationship by the back door.

He is not that into you. He doesn't want a relationship with you. This is not FWB. It's not a relationship either. It's him having his cake and eating it because all he really wants from you is sex. If he had the kind of feelings for you that you want he wouldn't have left.

category12 · 01/01/2021 09:31

I don't know what you want us to say this time ConfusedHmm. Oh here goes:

Yes, this is fine, you're winning, he obviously wants you and not her, and of course he's telling the truth about just being friends, and you're not being completely mugged off.

There you go. Hmm

PushBack · 01/01/2021 09:36

@Abcdefgh12345

And why won't he tell her we're sleeping together I believe it's because she wants more and he doesn't want to hurt her or compromise their friendship.

He spoke yesterday while sober about travelling in 3 years time with me.

So he's not told her that you're sleeping together; could it also be that he's not told you that they're sleeping together also?

He's got the best of both worlds here and you need to take a step back and see this for what it is. He's playing you both - which is fine if this genuinely is fwb - but it sounds like you want more.

I know it's not easy but you need to be honest with yourself and the situation. Protect yourself and your heart

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