Anyone else with long term plans to leave DH?

[mmmmmmmmno]

Hoping to start some kind of support thread I suppose.
I dream of leaving DH. He is grumpy, wants everything his way, can’t accept when he is wrong and will argue black is white rather than apologise. He is a do as I say not as I do parent.
He does work bloody hard but always on his terms. He rarely shows me any affection.
We are married and have 2 primary school age DC together I also have 2 young teenage DC from previous marriage.
Anyway, I have left him before but then we talk, I miss him, we have been to counselling and I see his point of view, things get better for a while. BUT.. he is always going to be him, unloving, cold and slightly sadistic.
Anyone else want to leave but can’t yet?

I think I'm in this boat.
Sat here tonight wondering if there is a future with my husband. My DC has been pretty affected by his BFFs parents (who we, as a family, are very close to) splitting up, so I'm scared to put this on him.
So many issues, and I've supported him through so much over the last few years but I don't feel like I get anything back. I'm tired, lonely and wondering how long I can keep this going for my DCs sake

When you say you miss him, is it him you miss (As you don’t paint a great picture of him) or being in a couple?

I don’t see what there is to miss in your post.

I have been in limbo for thr past 2 years and DH is still in the house . Found out he cheated, tried to see if I could cope with counselling. Decided I despised him too much. Covid hit and we are trapped . Hoping 2021 will be my year.

This was me this time last year and I could have written your post pretty much word for word on NYE 2019. As midnight struck I kissed my sleeping DC and told them that 2020 would be our year. It went quite differently to how I'd expected (!) but I am so glad that my STBXH and I are no longer together. The difference in my DC is incredible and several friends have told me that I'm a different person now too. Don't get me wrong; there have been some very hard times and I know there are more struggles ahead but it has definitely been worth it. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I split at the end of last year. I and my kids feel so free and happy now.

It was difficult to get to that point, but now we have I wish I had done it sooner

I've just been poorly, probably covid. H is totally in denial, annoyed that I've been I'll. No effort to isolate or even step up on the domestic side.
Fish & chips out the freezer tonight, switched the heating off, lit the woodburner late.

The whole sickness and health thing makes me question whether I should stay.

Yep, me. I can't bear for him to touch me. I don't want sex with him. We don't have sex. He will argue black is white every single time. He never apologises, its never his fault. I disagree with how he patents our sen child and vice versa. I have places I want to go on holiday, he wants to go to different places. He will happily sit on the sofa and watch tv/ game all weekend. I find that terribly boring. We don't laugh together, we never have. He thinks we have a great relationship. Wtf. And says he loves me dearly. Im stuck with him. If i leave he risks falling into depression and threatening suicide no doubt.

@AppleCrumbleCake I’m sorry you are having a rubbish time too, so hard to know what to do for the best, feeling lonely when you are not technically alone is horrible.

@Mor12 it’s both. I miss having someone there but I do love him. He does have good points, he has bought me a cup of tea in bed this morning, I think this is his way of apologising for being controlling last night ( he went to bed at 10, me and DD1 14 years old wanted to stay up and see the NY in, he told me I had to get up and help him plaster the new bathroom in the morning and when I reminded him I am supposed to be resting as I have been in hospital yesterday with an infected womb, he said yeah course you do sarcastically then told me I am not staying in bed all day.) I ended up going to bed about 11 as was falling asleep on sofa anyway. This morning the first thing he said to me was, “what time did you go to bed last night?”. Seems petty but it’s these little things that get me down.

@Stillfunny that sounds awful, I take my hat of to you, I would have put a pillow over his face by now (joking!). Well done you for staying strong and I hope 2021 will be your year for freedom.

@lemurllama great to hear your positive story, congratulations on your new happier life, well done for getting through it and sticking to it.

@AKissAndASmile I keep thinking if I had stuck to my guns last time we would be happy now. But then I still think I would miss DH, maybe it’s the familiarity. What gave you the courage?

@LockdownLilly your DH sounds similar to mine. He can’t handle me being unwell either, I had an operation a few years ago and he kicked off about something and left me alone for the day after without any means to get a meal or decent drink out of spite. It bloody sucks, the bad points are really crappy but somehow the few good family times seem to gloss over all that for me.

@Bloggerbloggerblog he sounds awful! Threatening suicide is totally controlling. Do you have any support?

@Stillfunny in the same boat as you. I have tried over the last 18 months to get him to go but still no joy. I told him again yesterday that he needs to move out and nothing so I am going to have to go and take the kids. So come Monday morning I will start looking. Life is to short . I have been so sad and depressed for long enough. 2021 will be my year.

Can you tell us why you can't leave him?

I left mine in sep 2019, it's taken till now to get divorced, and we're still in the same house till this sale goes through, so for us it's going to take another two years to 'complete'.

Anyway, I'm so so much happier. I can't describe how much nicer it is to be free. My kids are fine. My finances are fine. (I know this wouldn't be the case for everyone though unfortunately)

@arethereanyleftatall, it’s really complicated. Firstly I ended my first marriage because I wasn’t happy, it had a massive impact on my 2 teenage DC, they were only 3 months and 19 months old at the time but my DS has struggled not having his mum and dad together, I don’t want to put my younger DC through this.
Financially we have recently moved house, it’s a much bigger house with space for everyone, we sold a 3 bed and stretched ourselves to buy a 5 bed so all DC get their own space. The house needs renovation which we are trying to do ourselves as we cannot afford to pay contractors, luckily DH is great at the plumbing and plastering and other DIY but he becomes resentful that he is the one doing most of it, my DiY skills stop at painting the walls!
I work full time but term time only in a school so my salary is only around £20,000, I couldn’t afford this place on my own and he wouldn’t leave anyway. Last time I took the kids and left whilst he was at work as he was refusing to allow me to take anything from the house.

Damn, I can see why it's difficult.

I know quite a few people who are making the decision to 'separate' emotionally/physically from each other- but carry on co-habiting amd co-parenting.

It seems to be working (they both even go on dates etc) but it's a very difficult discussion to have and both parties need to be in the same place for it to be feasible.

He wouldn’t agree to that @arethereanyleftatall, he has no idea I’m so unhappy. All of his needs are met I suppose so why would he.
He is so bossy though, it really gets me down.

This is me although I told my DH in Sept it was over and we’ve been in the same house since. We had counselling for months previously which actually gave me the courage to end it and made me realise I had been unhappy for so many years and that his behaviour is totally unreasonable.

I feel I am not a good mum to the kids because of how unhappy I am. I too am worried about money, we will need to sell the house to move on and it’s full of clutter - and facing that is almost worse than telling him was!

We have good and bad days, sometimes I’m really down about all that is to come, and sometimes he is as he doesn’t want it to end. Some days are ok. Today has been pretty terrible. I think the end of the year has hit me, can’t keep it together today.

I know I have made the right decision though and finding a good counsellor has been a godsend.

@Derbyshirelady I’m so sorry you are having a tough day, just focus on the better and brighter days to come, you have done the hardest bit I’m telling him and putting the wheels in motion for a new life for you. I salute you!

I was in limbo for a long time, in fact I had said I'd leave when dS turned 5 which is next year but every day now seems longer and life is so short. In my case its just a matter of pulling the trigger and boom everyone's lives will be different and up side down in an instant. That's what scares me

I have no children or financial ties to my husband, but he emigrated from a different country to be with me, and we sank a lot of money into it. He is good and kind, just so so so boring. We have very little in common, laugh occasionally, I don't want sex with him. He isn't a bad man, just a former addict who is happy escaping reality via screens. I want to go but also deeply scared to and quite sad about it all too.

@Tiddlewinks9274 maybe we could both find the strength together

@annabellacomestotea please get out now while you can still walk away with only yourself to worry about. You can do this!!

Me. I've been planning to leave DH for a long time. He talked me out of it, 2 years ago and I really regret not doing it. 2019 was horrible, because of him. I don't trust him anymore, but I ended up stuck because after all his angry behavior I had to rebuild our boys relationship with him. It took a long time for them to trust him again. Our eldest boy has Adhd and anxiety and still struggles with trusting his dad.

His younger Autistic brother is starting fyos this year. His paediatrican thinks there's a good chance he won't cope with that so I need to focus on that. Once he's settled in school I'm telling DH. Just have to find the courage too. All of our 3 boys have SEN and I'm their safe person and the one that deals with the many therapy appointments. And DH can be very snappy and impatient. I'm so worried about how they'll cope on the days without me. I just can't do it anymore, being here not really in a relationship, but not officially separate, in limbo. No sex, no intimacy and I don't want any of that with him ever again.

[quote mmmmmmmmno]@Tiddlewinks9274 maybe we could both find the strength together

@annabellacomestotea please get out now while you can still walk away with only yourself to worry about. You can do this!![/quote]
This thread has shown me that I'm not alone! PM if you wanna chat

Yes I'm definitely in this same boat, I made the decision Xmas Eve that I won't do next Christmas with him, he's no longer the kind, good humoured, thoughtful man I thought I was marrying and sadly I don't think he ever was.

I feel so ashamed for falling for someone who's personality changed so drastically while I was pregnant that he's unrecognisable to me now. I'm fed up of everyone walking on eggshells, I'm sick of his secret games of subterfuge and to top it off I was messaged over Christmas by an ex work college of his who warned me he hadn't been dismissed because his job was no longer there but because he sent unsolicited naked pictures to another colleague.

I'm just biding my time, saving as much cash as I can whilst wondering how to actually ask him to move out? How does one go about that?! We rent so don't own, if I leave I'd be taking our toddler, my eldest, her boyfriend, my mum plus our three dogs so it would make much more sense for him to go

Good luck to everyone in this boat, we've got this

Yes, I have a plan but can’t for two years yet.

I can't help but wonder how/why you all married these partners in the first place?

Did they change at some point?

I know relationships are hard and no one can guarantee how feelings may change but my goodness, it's really sad to see so many people in unhappy marriages.

I hope you all do what's best for you and find happiness, however that may be x

@ChocolatePodge it would certainly make more sense, do you think he'd move out if you asked. Are you both in the lease?

I need to leave DH too but things are too complex at the moment to even begin to start the ball rolling. Like many at the moment I find myself out of work and with minimal savings. Found myself job hunting earlier when I was unable to sleep. Thought I heard one of the dc stirring, but it was a false alarm and they are all still currently sound asleep. Just a pity I’m not!