Anyone else with long term plans to leave DH?

[mmmmmmmmno]

Hoping to start some kind of support thread I suppose.
I dream of leaving DH. He is grumpy, wants everything his way, can’t accept when he is wrong and will argue black is white rather than apologise. He is a do as I say not as I do parent.
He does work bloody hard but always on his terms. He rarely shows me any affection.
We are married and have 2 primary school age DC together I also have 2 young teenage DC from previous marriage.
Anyway, I have left him before but then we talk, I miss him, we have been to counselling and I see his point of view, things get better for a while. BUT.. he is always going to be him, unloving, cold and slightly sadistic.
Anyone else want to leave but can’t yet?

2020 crystallised my feelings.

He's a grumpy, hypochondriac, depressive, anxious, thoroughly annoying man. He has a temper. I learned in therapy his accusations of my selfishness were not true. He can kick off about the stupidest things. I used to react, now I just walk away and look lock myself in the bathroom or leave the flat. He thinks he is right. He used to manipulate me to his way of thinking. I am wise to it now.

He has a sense I'm not happy.

He said he looked forward to a time when we are retired and we can spend all our time together. I freaked out. No, not what I want.

He also said that he cannot wait until I get my next promotion (I earn a lot more than him and pay the majority of bills) so that he can quit his job and be a house husband. Total CF.

Sex is rare and I feel no warmth towards him. I don't like him touching me.

He does do more than 50% of the housework and cooks dinner every day.

When I get my promotion it will be better. I've worked out my finances, I just need a bit more to be able to support myself and DD. When that day comes, I'll be booking an appointment with a solicitor and parking his arse outside.

I know I can do better without him.

@HereIAmOnceAgain yes sadly both on the tenancy, I hope he'll be amicable if I approach it the right way but can't be certain until I try

@harryclr yes complete personality transplant 6 months after we married, while I was pregnant. I lost the sweet, kind, generous man that he had appeared to be and instead gained a grumpy, rude, selfish, bad tempered one. Obviously I have tried to understand why this happened and what we can do to reverse it but nearly 4 years later it just gets more difficult every year

@Bloggerbloggerblog I'm confused
You say on here you want to leave your husband yet on another thread said you took your friend to meet your new partner?

How can you leave if they refuse to engage with you on any discussion about it, also financially how do people manage to do it?

You don't need him to engage to start divorce proceedings or to move out or to split up under one roof by telling them your fine and will be sleeping somewhere even if that's the couch. The later is very individual @clayspaniel.

In my case once I tell him I want a divorce I'll be eligible for benefits. Will have to live together until divorce/house sale. Financially after that it will be a struggle. I can't afford to buy or rent in our current suburb, so will have to move. I can't work due to long term health issues. Sometimes splitting means you can get benefits, there's msintance if not 50/50, if you own and sell you could use that money to cover rent while you retrain or job search. You might need to move suburd or find something smaller to afford it. I know people who didn't split the family home, still own it jointly and take turns being there with DC. That would only work in a very amicable seperation. I know people who have moved in with family while they get back on their feet. SAH mum who had to find full time work and now juggles a full time job with shared parenting. People who have separated but still live together as can't currently afford to move out.

@ChocolatePodge '@harryclr yes complete personality transplant 6 months after we married, while I was pregnant. I lost the sweet, kind, generous man that he had appeared to be and instead gained a grumpy, rude, selfish, bad tempered one. Obviously I have tried to understand why this happened and what we can do to reverse it but nearly 4 years later it just gets more difficult every year' sounds very similar to my story, except things didn't get bad till I was pregnant with our third. Looking back their were signs after the birth of our first, but they were easy to miss and there was always some excuse like exhaustion from no sleep and stress from work. I tried so hard to fix things.

Hi everyone, how was your weekend?
Mine was up and down. I’ve read up on gaslighting, I’m sure DH does this a lot but I didn’t think he was that clever.

Yes. I recognise so much from PPs. I am just feeling sad at the moment. It changes between anger and denial. I have realise that I don't actually like him any longer and think that he is an arsehole. I am being to check out instead of being emotionally engaged and upset.

I am trying to plan the logistics, which are very hard.

It's uncomfortable when DH is around. Weekends we usually don't spend much time together. I'm either anxious or angry or feeling strange around him because I feel these random urges to reach out to him. We've been together so long, it feels strange to be around each other but apart.

I am working on leaving. We've spent the last 2 years moving our entire life abroad. We've had issues throughout, I even got a message on Instagram from a woman my husband had been pursuing whilst I was packing up our belongings for shipping! We were stuck apart during lockdown and it gave me a lot of time to think about everything! I anticipated when we got back together physically it would be different. It wasn't. He is still lazy, prioritises his friends over me, takes other people's sides over mine, and then I found a LOT of stuff on his iPad. To be fair, it was from 2/3 years ago. However, it's the fact that after everything, he still chose to keep more shit from me. I would have more respect for him if the last time he had laid everything out on the table and asked me to try again. But instead he chose to keep it hidden. Again!

So we are due back in the U.K. for a visit in March, and I don't intend to get on the return flight. I want to get back in U.K. soil to be on the safest footing. I don't want to give his family the opportunity to try and talk me out of it. I feel like shit as this will be my second failed marriage.

@amy2021 that’s sounds awful, don’t beat yourself up about the 2 marriages, I’m in the same boat, I know what you mean though. Sounds like your DH is a cheat and a liar so there is no way you should be blaming yourself for any of this.

@HereIAmOnceAgain your post really resonated with me, I feel uncomfortable and worried when DH is around too. It feels like all he does is pick and moan at me and DC. We can’t do right for doing wrong. I also have waves of love for him and really want to reach out and brush it all under the carpet. It’s like a yo-yo!

@Yogatomorrow
checking out is a good idea. I wish I could do it, DH notices when I try to though and then makes things very difficult. He thinks nothing of involving DC in things, saying things like “why don’t you ask mummy, daddy’s opinion doesn’t matter” or to the other extreme of being very difficult like when I try to put DC to bed he will tell them it’s ok to stay up late, that sort of thing.

@mmmmmmmmno thanks for your comment. Tonight I have hit the roof and demanded to have full access to the phone there and then. Got it, feel sick. So much more on there from as recently as august. A couple of messages actually from my birthday and the day after, we were separated by Covid so I had to have my birthday just with friends. He is currently writing a letter to me to try and explain everything I've had my fill of this honestly!