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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex husband asking me to turn on read receipts

34 replies

Souvlaki · 31/12/2020 22:13

We are separated almost 3 years. Divorce hanging in balance started but not signed off due to lots of upsetting complications. I have basically frozen due to stress of not seeing a way out. Tonight he texted asking me to turn on read receipts fir texts. I need to ignore him when I choose because we have two kids with ASD and when he wants to communicate I am often on my knees witn exhaustion and don’t want to text him about our divorce. I find it really hard to say no to him without fearing backlash. Everything is tot for tat with him. Please don’t attack me about not completing my divorce I am trying to protect my very vulnerable children snd am utterly petrified by the stress of the situation. Any advice on how to say no without creating anger would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

EnjoyingTheSilence · 31/12/2020 22:15

Just because he’s asked (or told) you to doesn’t mean you have to.

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time

Choice4567 · 31/12/2020 22:16

Just ignore him. Don’t reply and don’t turn in read receipts

FTMF30 · 31/12/2020 22:17

From the sounds of his character, he'd be angry no matter how gently you refuse.

He seems like a bully, in which case you need to stand up for yourself or he will have this hold on you forever.

I'd just say "I'd rather not" and then try not to abdorb and mull over any nasty response. Skim through it (incase there is something important) but then immediately do something else to take your mind off it.

Mrbob · 31/12/2020 22:17

The bonus of getting divorced from this man is that he is no longer in charge of you. Ignore him and concentrate on what you need to do to get through a difficult time (which it sounds like you are doing admirably)

Mrbob · 31/12/2020 22:18

(Not that he was in charge of you before but you know what I mean)

mineallmine · 31/12/2020 22:18

Simply don't respond to his request. Act like you never read it. As PP said, just because he asked you to doesn't mean you have to even respond to the request. And if he keeps at it and you need to respond, simply say 'No, this is the way I like it.' I'm sorry you're having a tough time.

upsidedownwavylegs · 31/12/2020 22:19

God, what a cheek. These lowlifes make me livid. You probably can’t say no without making him angry, but you should get in first and show that you’re angry he’s asked.

LawnFever · 31/12/2020 22:19

Just ignore the request, he can’t make you do it, ignore ignore

SwanShaped · 31/12/2020 22:20

What backlash do you worry about?

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 31/12/2020 22:20

Oh you poor thing. What a lot of stress to be living under! Obviously don't know why you can't complete, but I hope you can soon.

No idea how to say no without starting a tit for tat situation, or how that really affects you? I'm guessing there's not a way, so your choices are to ignore him, say no, or just do it?

How long before you can finalise do you think?

chuffedasbuttons · 31/12/2020 22:21

Please don't stress because your divorce isn't done.
It takes as long as it takes for both parties to be happy with the outcomes - they get agreed eventually.

He sounds like a bully.

Do not turn on your read receipts. I would go one step further and tell him he can only communicate via email (get a separate email address just for him). Would you breath a sign of relief if you never received a text message from him ever again?

Tell him you will read his emails in your own time regardless of his expectations.

There's more to his bullying I'm sure. Chin up.

Eckhart · 31/12/2020 22:21

The thing is, you're not the one who creates the anger. You could say absolutely nothing at all and he could get angry. You could calmly say 'No' and he could get angry. You could tell him to go screw himself and he could get angry.

Stop taking responsibility for his moods. Do what you need to do. Say nothing, or respectfully say no. Don't enter into any discussion as this will allow him to escalate. Don't justify or defend yourself.

FabbyMagic · 31/12/2020 22:22

Does he actually have a reason for wanting you to, does he say?

helpmum2003 · 31/12/2020 22:22

You don't have to reply. Just ignore the request. You only need to reply to reasonable communication about the children. Communication about the divorce should go via your solicitor.

Longdistance · 31/12/2020 22:23

Just reply ‘here’s your receipt 🖕🏻‘
Think of 2021 as a fresh start with that divorce.

HollowTalk · 31/12/2020 22:24

Would you prefer him to have the children more often, given you're so tired?

I wouldn't turn on the read receipts. If you do, he'll just harangue with "I know you've read it, why aren't you replying?"

category12 · 31/12/2020 22:28

Just completely ignore him. Don't respond to that part of any messages. Don't respond to it as a message on its own. You don't have to reply to him, and it's not a reasonable ask, it's none of his business. He's got no right to insist.

If he keeps on about it, and you feel you have to say something, just say "I won't be doing that" and don't explain or go any further on it.

secrettwitcher · 31/12/2020 22:32

Ignore him.. from one mother to another with two SEN kids.. it matters not a dot. Don't let this man control your actions

unicornsarereal72 · 31/12/2020 22:37

Make 2021 the year you take back some control. You do not have to respond to his messages. I know how hard this is when you are worn down. A few stock answers. Help.

Money through cms
Divorce/house through solicitor
Contract at agreed days/times. If he misses a date don't chase.

Anything else does not need a response. If he kicks off. It is just hot air. They want to control you and keep you in your place. Don't let him. Be strong.

Original poster

Souvlaki · 31/12/2020 22:45

Thanks everyone. Sometimes he wants to text me inappropriate stuff despite me telling him not to it tllike : what are you wearing? Etc. Either that or he’s pressuring me to tell him what I want to do re the divorce or he’s telling me how miserable and lonely he is. The problem is I can’t finalise the divorce and move on because I am trying to protect my children both under 7 and autistic from a bad/ dangerous/ traumatic situation. My son who was my main concern has finally been talking about wanting sleepovers with daddy at daddy’s flat but the problem is that daddy’s flat is a rented one bedroom 1 hours drive away abs my kids are the kind that need everything bolted to walls, windows locked, they will disturb neighbours, need separate rooms etc etc and husband is not providing an environment I could happily send them to and says he can’t. For the last three years I have had him coming to my home for o see the children and often going out to enable this even when utterly exhausted. If I’m at all kind to him he makes I appropriate comments etc and if I’m not ie. complain at all about my situation he becomes combative. Despite my shipping out or uncomfortably accommodating him in my home when he’s angry he has told me I’m obstructive. The other issue is whilst I feel happier without him ( living with him I I felt like I was under a dome like in that Stephen king series) I am completely isolated. I have very elderly parents , no other family and no friends left who
Actually I can call after
My difficult marriage and my difficulties due to my kids . His life is utterly miserable as he had no friends or family and despite el having well
Pair respected career has no savings for buying a home Etc. I had a family trust and other inheritance which allowed me to buy the detached home which makes a huge difference with kids who throw things over the neighbours fences etc but he has always irrationally resented this . My
Money enables him To say I can’t accommodate the children staying with me because He doesn’t have the money to provide the right accommodations like it’s my fault ( financial part of divorce is settled) This despite the fact that the money my family gave me was nothing to do with our marriage. I cannot demand my kids go and stay with him because I can’t foresee all the dangers and problems of them visiting such a flat. It’s a nightmare. I have felt suicidal due to not heing a way out of this. He is a very loving father and I want him to see
More of the kids and I desperately need him to take them and give me a break but I do want m to put them in an unsafe/ inappropriate situation.

OP posts:

SunshineCake · 31/12/2020 22:50

How can he be a loving father when he disrespects their mother so much . You can't stay in limbo like this. You need to get advice to get the divorce done. I am assuming it is on hold due to access but it sounds like he won't have a suitable place for a while and you can't be forced to stay married to him.

RandomMess · 31/12/2020 22:53

How about stopping ALL texts and say comms only via email from now on.

Block him from your phone and read emails as and when suits you.

He cannot insist that he has the right to your phone number especially after messaging you inappropriately and bullying/harassing you.

category12 · 31/12/2020 22:58

If he's a loving father, isn't it down to him to make sure the children are safe and worry about his neighbours? Would he let the children come to harm?

Is it possible that you've got fixed ideas about how things have to be for the dc, and while the arrangements he could put in place may not match those, he could provide adequate care? As long as he's capable of keeping them physically safe?

chuffedasbuttons · 31/12/2020 22:59

Put him in lockdown. He doesn't sound essential.

My circumstances are different but being a single mum without giving a shit for what dad thinks it cares is much easier.

He needs less importance in your decisions. If and IF he steps up to the mark in being an excellent father, you can then choose to flex.

He's all hot air.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 31/12/2020 23:02

No.
That doesn't work for me.
I'm sorry you feel that way
Let me get back to you.
Have a few bland responses at the ready. You need to focus on yourself and your DC. Have you thought about courts/mediation to sort out contact. Can you afford a solicitor? You can ask him to go through email/your solicitor. Courts won't like him harassing you, especially the stuff about what you're wearing. Fuck that, don't respond but get advice. It can become a police matter if he won't stop sexually harassing you

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