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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Low level harassment.

38 replies

Mxflamingnoravera · 31/12/2020 18:04

Back story first. Sorry this is a bit long. Ten years ago my husband left me because he wanted kids and I was too old and not even sure if I was still fertile. He said there was no-one else. It turned out there was someone else - a colleague at his work and oh gosh, she was already pregnant. We were part of a big friendship group In our street one friend was the OWs boss and it turned out she and the whole group knew about it, and had known all through the break up, but no one told me when I was looking to them for support and to make sense of it all. As a result, I decided they were not my friends and have had nothing to do with any of them since.

One of the ex friends has made a point of trying to engage with me (a bloke and an aggressive bloke too) and I made it clear that I was not going to respond. He started to shout at me if he saw me in the street, calling me a rude bitch and other nasty names. It came to a head a year or so ago when he started shouting at me when he was passing my house and I responded saying if he swore at me again I would call the police. He called me a fucking cunt and so I followed through and called the police via 101. They were great and took it seriously and went round to tell him to stop and that it was clear that I did not want to engage with him.

Fast forward to 3 months ago, I drove my car round a bend in a narrow car lined street and found myself head to head with this man and his wife in their car. I looked behind to see if there was anywhere to back up and another car drew up behind me. I indicated to them by pointing that they (him and her) needed to back up (there was a space just two cars length behind them) , but he started to make obscene gestures and refused) eventually she backed into the space (clearly not a good reverser, she wiggled all over the road but it’s beside the point). I drove on, I didn’t thank them with a wave because he’d been giving me Vs and the finger the whole time. Thought nothing more of it.

Until today... I’m scraping ice off my car when he appears, walking along the road and he stops by my car and says “oh look it’s misery face” I ignored him. But he continued with “if you ever do anything like what you did to me and DW...” to which I replied, “that sounds like a threat, if you don’t stop I will call the police again”. He continued to berate me and I said, “what part of I don’t want anything to do with you do you not get?” and climbed into my car and drove away.

This man is 64 years old, I’m 58, this is ridiculous but I am still shaking, He frightens me. I’m not sure if this is worthy of calling the police again, but I don’t want to be scared of stepping outside my house. I suppose this is “a what should I do?” Leave it, and call the rozzers if he does it again or call them anyway?

OP posts:
cheapskatemum · 31/12/2020 18:08

Call the Police. You shouldn’t have to suffer because of this bully.

Mxflamingnoravera · 31/12/2020 18:15

Yes, my son says I should. I think I will, but not on NYE, they've enough on their plate. I'll call them on Saturday. Do you think they'll still take me seriously? They did say to call them if he ever did it again. I'm just aware of taking up police time on a night like tonight.

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Onthedunes · 31/12/2020 18:22

How horrible for you.
In every sense.

If I were you I would make plans to move.
I know thats not fair but is this situation worth staying.
Eradicate these mindless people from your life.

Mxflamingnoravera · 31/12/2020 18:30

I've lived here 26 years. I'm not moving!

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emilybrontescorsett · 31/12/2020 18:36

Call the police every single time he speaks to you. Don't engage with him, just report him and ask them to speak to him. He sounds like a deranged fuck wit. I'm sorry you are having to tolerate his awful behaviour.

Rainbowshine · 31/12/2020 18:41

You can report it tonight online, most police services have a non emergency form you complete. Do it now, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t. The police will determine how busy they are and how to prioritise this. Don’t assume that responsibility for them.

Mxflamingnoravera · 31/12/2020 18:41

Sorry, that was a bit blunt, it is horrible and I rarely encounter them even though they live in the same street, the others just ignore me as I do them, except this angry bully. I really fail to understand why he feels the need to keep needling me. He is a bully, always was.

Moving just is not an option, I have other good friends on the street and it's a close community.

I discovered the other day that he and I work for the same employer which made me feel a bit queasy but I totally different areas so there's no reason to have anything to do with him via work.

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PeachesBright · 31/12/2020 18:46

I'm sorry about your husband and what you are going through right now with your neighbour.

Definitely report this to the police.

Harassment is defined as:
"A course of conduct; which amounts to harassment of another; and which the defendant knows, or ought to know amounts to harassment of another."

Usually the police will need evidence of two or more incidents (course of conduct) before they will consider a matter of harassment.

On this occasion, it will be your word against his and therefore I don't think the police will be able to do anything as there is no evidence (unless there was a witness? Did a neighbour overhear?). However, they may well speak to your neighbour and warn him to leave you alone.

Even though the police probably won't be able to take it any further, you still need to get this incident documented so there is a trail of reports relating to each incident (if a case of harassment is to be pursued), and in case anything further happens. Also, your disgusting horrible neighbour needs to realise he can't treat you like shit and get away with it. If you don't call the police, he will think he's gotten away with it and won't hesitate to continue harassing you.

If it's possible in future, when you see your neighbour approaching, try and get your mobile phone out to record the encounter. If you do it overtly, he may well rethink what he is about to do. If you do it covertly, you might capture some evidence of his behaviour.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 31/12/2020 18:48

Report every incident. Build a case against him.
He sounds like he won't be told no by you. Let the police deal with him.

Onthedunes · 31/12/2020 18:49

Do you think his initial efforts to contact you were because he wanted to pursue you?

Him now being offended by being snubbed.

Mxflamingnoravera · 31/12/2020 18:50

Good call re the phone, I did think of that after today's incident. I've just started the online form but because this is a second report they want me to call 101. I've had some wine and don't want to speak to the police when I've been drinking. So I'll call them in the morning and explain why I didn't call tonight (ie had a drink).

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Mxflamingnoravera · 31/12/2020 18:53

@Onthedunes that has crossed my mind. When my marriage ended his wife confided in me that she was jealous of my "fresh start" I was not amused and thought it an odd thing to say to someone who was beside herself with grief and hurt...he has form and a wandering eye.

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Wintersunn · 31/12/2020 18:55

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. Report that bullying git when you’re ready otherwise he just thinks there’s no repercussions to his awful behaviour, reading this makes my blood boil. There may be - hopefully there isn’t - another incident so you need to build up a picture just in case.

MrsAudreyShapiro · 31/12/2020 19:15

I don't think it will make any difference to the police whether you report tonight or tomorrow, it's not an emergency. They told you to call if it happened again. Call them.

Unfortunately, I had similar with a neighbour and the police believed me and took it very seriously. It doesn't matter that a few months have passed, it's still "a course of conduct".

Onthedunes · 31/12/2020 19:46

[quote Mxflamingnoravera]@Onthedunes that has crossed my mind. When my marriage ended his wife confided in me that she was jealous of my "fresh start" I was not amused and thought it an odd thing to say to someone who was beside herself with grief and hurt...he has form and a wandering eye. [/quote]
His wife is either jealous because she would like to be away from this bully or she sees you as a threat to her marriage, with having a man who has a wandering eye.

He sounds spiteful, concieted and vengeful.

Phone the police, he doesn't sound reasonable.
Awful for you, you have my sympathy.

Flowers
Mxflamingnoravera · 01/01/2021 11:51

I've reported it. It's logged. They're sending officers round. Thanks for the support.

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Cockenspiel · 01/01/2021 12:42

Get yourself a Ring doorbell / small CCTV so whenever he comes near your house you have a recording of his harassment.

Mxflamingnoravera · 01/01/2021 12:47

I'm looking at cctv now. Trouble is I live on a long terraced street, most of the incident occur when I am walking to or from my car to the house and it could be 20 or 30 houses away.

Also thinking about a dashcam for the car.

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Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 01/01/2021 15:22

Body cam?

Imiss2019 · 01/01/2021 15:27

Well done for reporting make sure you do so every time. The man is a bully you are right. Don’t engage or respond to him just report every time. Dashcam is a good idea.

Mxflamingnoravera · 01/01/2021 15:56

A bodycam would be a good idea but frankly, I shouldn't have to resort to this. It would mean wearing it every time I leave the house. The man needs a serious lesson in controlling himself.

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Mxflamingnoravera · 01/01/2021 16:01

Actually I've just had an idea. I'd be interested to hear views. We have a street Facebook page. I could put a plea out to the street to watch out for me, and see if anyone saw or heard the stuff yesterday... obv I would mention no names, just that I am experiencing distressing harassment and would the kind neighbours look out for me.

Would that be stupid? Or might it put it out there that I am suffering and need support? When the police come I'll ask them but no sign of a visit yet, it's not an emergency so I don't expect a visit today.

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Rainbowshine · 01/01/2021 16:06

No don’t contact the Facebook group, leave it to the police to collect information and evidence properly so you’re not seen as influencing or interfering with any investigation.

Imiss2019 · 01/01/2021 16:08

No no don’t put it on Facebook! I think to the police that would look like you are antagonising the situation. You would be challenging him to up the anty too.

I can understand the temptation of wanting to shame him on Facebook but you have to be smarter than him.

Mxflamingnoravera · 01/01/2021 16:09

@Rainbowshine yes, thanks, you're right. It was just an idea. I might just mention it to my neighbours either side to see if they saw anything yesterday.

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