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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Low level harassment.

38 replies

Mxflamingnoravera · 31/12/2020 18:04

Back story first. Sorry this is a bit long. Ten years ago my husband left me because he wanted kids and I was too old and not even sure if I was still fertile. He said there was no-one else. It turned out there was someone else - a colleague at his work and oh gosh, she was already pregnant. We were part of a big friendship group In our street one friend was the OWs boss and it turned out she and the whole group knew about it, and had known all through the break up, but no one told me when I was looking to them for support and to make sense of it all. As a result, I decided they were not my friends and have had nothing to do with any of them since.

One of the ex friends has made a point of trying to engage with me (a bloke and an aggressive bloke too) and I made it clear that I was not going to respond. He started to shout at me if he saw me in the street, calling me a rude bitch and other nasty names. It came to a head a year or so ago when he started shouting at me when he was passing my house and I responded saying if he swore at me again I would call the police. He called me a fucking cunt and so I followed through and called the police via 101. They were great and took it seriously and went round to tell him to stop and that it was clear that I did not want to engage with him.

Fast forward to 3 months ago, I drove my car round a bend in a narrow car lined street and found myself head to head with this man and his wife in their car. I looked behind to see if there was anywhere to back up and another car drew up behind me. I indicated to them by pointing that they (him and her) needed to back up (there was a space just two cars length behind them) , but he started to make obscene gestures and refused) eventually she backed into the space (clearly not a good reverser, she wiggled all over the road but it’s beside the point). I drove on, I didn’t thank them with a wave because he’d been giving me Vs and the finger the whole time. Thought nothing more of it.

Until today... I’m scraping ice off my car when he appears, walking along the road and he stops by my car and says “oh look it’s misery face” I ignored him. But he continued with “if you ever do anything like what you did to me and DW...” to which I replied, “that sounds like a threat, if you don’t stop I will call the police again”. He continued to berate me and I said, “what part of I don’t want anything to do with you do you not get?” and climbed into my car and drove away.

This man is 64 years old, I’m 58, this is ridiculous but I am still shaking, He frightens me. I’m not sure if this is worthy of calling the police again, but I don’t want to be scared of stepping outside my house. I suppose this is “a what should I do?” Leave it, and call the rozzers if he does it again or call them anyway?

OP posts:
Imiss2019 · 01/01/2021 16:10

If you have a close friend on the street you could confide in them that you have had to involve the police. These things have a way of becoming wider knowledge without getting into a Facebook showdown!

yellowhighheels · 01/01/2021 16:17

Get a dash cam for the car OP and keep reporting, by form, every time this loser harasses you.

I know it's hard, you don't want to bother the police but you've been clear with this man and he keeps bothering you. You don't deserve this.

Don't start putting stuff on Facebook, if you publicly say something you regret it won't help you.

Mxflamingnoravera · 01/01/2021 21:05

So an officer called me tonight. Said there's nothing he can do/what does he want me to do?

He said another officer would call me in the morning, he was trying to establish the facts.

Says that he (ex friend) will tell a different story and as there are no witnesses there's likely nothing they can do.

I need to decide what I want them to do. I suppose it's just to log it in case...?

OP posts:
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 01/01/2021 21:30

Look for a second hand body cam. And yes wear it every time you leave the house.. The best and only way to end this it seems. Hard evidence... He will shit himself...
Done and dusted in no time op. Or it will drag on until it really affects your mh. Which he will bloody love.

snowisfallingallaroundus · 02/01/2021 06:45

What about a restraining order?

Mxflamingnoravera · 02/01/2021 09:38

Police have just been round. They suggested a ring doorbell and consider a restraining order. Because I stopped him before he uttered the rest of the threat they cannot act on an allegation of threatening behaviour.

But it's logged and I have a crime number.

OP posts:
Mxflamingnoravera · 02/01/2021 10:05

I can't get a restraining order, this can only be done as part of a court case brought against the perpetrator. As the police can't act because it's my word against his, I'm scuppered. If I had allowed him to carry on and actually make his threat then I could have a case but I interrupted and said this sounds like threat...

Non-mol orders (injunctions) are for domestic violence victims and as Ive never been in a relationship with him, this is not an option either.

So it's back to ring doorbell/body cam or recoding him on the phone or all three. Why I didn't think to do that on Thursday beats me, but I didn't.

There is also my work contract... I'm sure there is a clause about behaviour out of work, but I'm reluctant to drag my employer into this. (We both work for a large local employer with strict policies about behaviour- an education provider).

OP posts:
MrsAudreyShapiro · 02/01/2021 14:50

Says that he (ex friend) will tell a different story

Is this just a guess or are the police going to speak to him?

When I had problems with my neighbour, the police said what he did was not a crime because he did not directly threaten me. They still went and spoke to him. I don't know what they said, but it was enough to make him stay away from me.

BlueThistles · 02/01/2021 14:58

get. body cam OP.. I wear one for work.. it's there to protect me and everyone else.. mines is like ones the Police wear.. but there are fantastic smaller ones... like a pen for your pocket etc badges you just pin on and go...

the Police have let you down.. but now there is a 'pattern of behaviour' which is why you need to report every event... no exceptions..

good luck 🌺

category12 · 02/01/2021 15:01

Get a dashcam for your car, front and rear camera - it's good to have anyway - and it can run pretty much all the time, motion activated, and very little impact on your car battery.

If there's a next time, you'll be more prepared, but I would be careful about getting your phone out if there's a confrontation.

Sorry you're experiencing this.

Mxflamingnoravera · 02/01/2021 16:02

The police are not going to speak to him this time no, they did the first time but this time they say there's nothing they can do and it would "end up like a teacher trying to sort out a playground dispute" (male officer last night on the phone).

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 02/01/2021 16:22

There absolutely IS something they can do. They can issue the neighbour a Harassment Warning (or whatever it is known as in your local constabulary- there are different names for it around the country). It doesnt have much legal clout, but it might be enough to shut him up. My advice would be to email your local community policing team, and make an appointment for one of them to come and see you, so you can talk it through with them.

Your neighbour frankly sounds like an absolute arsehole and he needs stopping. Im really glad you're standing up to him and not letting him get to you...but sometimes you need a bigger boat, as it were.

Mxflamingnoravera · 02/01/2021 16:35

They can round today a community officer and a police officer. They were adamant that there was nothing they could do funny.

I'm browsing body cams now, but I don't wear stuff that I can pop a camera into the pocket of. How the fuck do I get into the habit of putting it on and turning it on just to put the bins out? (Because that's the kind of time he'll be strolling past). I'll almost certainly getting one, but I'm bothered that I'd forget it on the one time I need it.

Do I need one that I can plug into a laptop or a wifi enabled cam?

OP posts:
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