My mum calls my baby my abusive ex boyfriend's name

[DerryGirl82]

For context, my mum has somewhat narcissistic / self centred traits and my dad enabled her whilst I was growing up. They are in their 70's. The first boyfriend I had when I was 18 was controlling and abusive towards me. I felt unable to tell my parents at the time and they turned a blind eye to my unhappiness but things came to a head after I finally plucked up the courage to end the relationship when I was 21 and he decided to cause problems by throwing bricks through the windows of my family home and getting arrested. So they definitely know this guy was an awful abusive person who did not make me happy.

It's now 20 years later and I'm happily married and have just had my first baby DS this year. My mum keeps calling him the same name as my abusive ex. To be clear, my son's name is nothing like my abusive ex's name. They merely have the same last syllable, eg ex's name Jamie, my DS name Alfie (examples only). She keeps doing it all the time. She started doing it about 2 months after he was born and now does it every time I speak to her online. What's worse is that she isn't mortified about it, she just laughed and says "ha ha I don't know why I keen calling him Jamie!". The worst aspect is that my Dad has dementia, and he has started calling my baby by the name too, because he's easily confused.

So far I have kept this hidden from my DH. He knows all about my ex but doesn't know what his name was. The first couple of times they said it I don't think he picked up on it, or perhaps just thought it was some random name they had confused, and since then he's been out of the room when I've rung them. I don't want him to know it as it feels hurtful that his child is being addressed by my mum in this way. My DH doesn't deserve it, and neither does my son- too young still to understand for now of course. Also it's hurtful to me.

I have said please could you not call him that and my mum just laughs and said she didn't mean to.

I would tell your mum that she needs to make plans - first she needs to visit a doctor about possible dementia and then look into nursing homes.

@HollowTalk

I would tell your mum that she needs to make plans - first she needs to visit a doctor about possible dementia and then look into nursing homes.

Agreed.

Do you think your mum could have early dementia or another medical condition?

If not then she is completely unreasonable and cruel!

If she continues (and it's 100%) purposefully give her both barrels.
Maybe give her an awful name too, Myra Hindley?

Definitely no sign of dementia with my mum. She is stubborn and refuses to move with the times so often addresses things by the old name - eg calling cities and countries by their old colonial name, but says that's what she is used to. This is not the same thing I realise!

@HollowTalk

I would tell your mum that she needs to make plans - first she needs to visit a doctor about possible dementia and then look into nursing homes.

Yes, I would do that too.

I'd also be very tempted to tell her that she would not see my baby again until she was able to use his correct name. If I was in her company again and she began using the wrong name I would leave with the baby, or if it was at my house I would suggest that she left and didn't return until she had learned to get it right.

She is doing it to wind you up, I suspect. Make it backfire on her.

HollowTalk's suggestion is probably best, although personally I'd start calling her "Fuck face" during every interaction and claim I had no idea why I kept doing it...

Tell your DH. He is your child's father and needs to understand why he must never leave DS with her.

It's good that you are aware of her narcissism. Is this deliberately cruel behaviour towards your child - behaviour designed to warp your attitude towards that child by creating a mental association between him and an abuser - enough for to now protect yourself from her abuse by removing her from your life?

I don’t think she means any harm by saying it, it sounds like a mistake, she may call him that name because she think he looks like that name or she’s forgetful rather than her thinking of your ex, she probably hadn’t put two and two together.

If it makes you feel any better my Mum calls my eldest my brothers name a lot I know she just gets muddled up rather than doing it to piss me off.

Your mum needs to speak to a doctor regarding possible dementia/ Alzheimer's

@DerryGirl82

Definitely no sign of dementia with my mum. She is stubborn and refuses to move with the times so often addresses things by the old name - eg calling cities and countries by their old colonial name, but says that's what she is used to. This is not the same thing I realise!

Aye but if she's going to keep up her little act of continually unsettling you and you're going to maintain a relationship with her, then it's reasonable to tell her that she's obviously having memory problems and needs to speak to her gp. As many times as it takes.

Suggest to her she is tested for dementia as you are worried, she'll soon get his name right then.
Or stop calling her, when she asks why tell her she needs to call your ds by his name and to tell your dad his real name too.

@GameSetMatch

I don’t think she means any harm by saying it, it sounds like a mistake, she may call him that name because she think he looks like that name or she’s forgetful rather than her thinking of your ex, she probably hadn’t put two and two together.

If it makes you feel any better my Mum calls my eldest my brothers name a lot I know she just gets muddled up rather than doing it to piss me off.

That might be true if she didn’t have form for being a narcissist.

Even if she was doing it unintentionally, she should just refrain from saying the baby’s name in case she gets it wrong, or use a nickname for him. Just say “how’s my gorgeous grandson today?” Or “hello Pumpkin” instead of continually getting it wrong and then laughing about it.

If she's simply doing that to annoy you then she is a sick individual and you should cut contact.

@GameSetMatch

I don’t think she means any harm by saying it, it sounds like a mistake, she may call him that name because she think he looks like that name or she’s forgetful rather than her thinking of your ex, she probably hadn’t put two and two together.

If it makes you feel any better my Mum calls my eldest my brothers name a lot I know she just gets muddled up rather than doing it to piss me off.

I don't think it seems like a mistake given that the OP's mother only started calling the baby by the wrong name once he turned two months old. OP says that in her first post.

Before that she was presumably able to use the correct name. So it would seem to me that for some reason she has made a conscious decision to change it. It is the sort of thing a wind up artist might do to get a reaction.

When she laughs and says she doesn't mean to i would say ' but you keep doing it you make yourself sound a bit thick to be honest mum'

I've said similar to my mum when she tried to act innocent after striring the pot!!!

I am certain my mum knows the name is that of my ex and hasn't forgotten. When she says it she sometimes makes a kind of "oops" face and makes it all awkward, like an elephant in the room, which she wouldn't do if she'd called him by some other random name. Whether she is doing it deliberately or by mistake I don't know. But I do think she ought to be more mortified when it pops out and make more of an effort to stop.

She’s doing it deliberately and being a bitch.

Honestly, how fucking hard is it for a Grandparent to remember their grandchild's name?! Tell her that unless she has a really good excuse, like dementia, to knock it off or she won't be having much of a relationship with either of you.

I would go nuclear at her OP and end the call tbh. It's deliberate, she's trying to make you feel bad. Don't let her.

The suggestions above about asking her to get a dementia assessment are good ones too.

Whether she is doing it deliberately or by mistake I don't know.

I’d be very blunt with her the next time it happens.

Mum, you keep calling baby X not Y. I’ve pointed it out loads of times and you keep doing it. Now Dad’s doing it too. I’m really concerned you’ve got an issue - that you might be getting confused like Dad. Do we need to go to the doctor?

Don’t whatever you do give her the information that it hurts you on your account, on your baby’s account or your DH’s account. Don’t mention your ex. Just keep throwing it back to her having a memory issue.

@GameSetMatch

I don’t think she means any harm by saying it, it sounds like a mistake, she may call him that name because she think he looks like that name or she’s forgetful rather than her thinking of your ex, she probably hadn’t put two and two together.

If it makes you feel any better my Mum calls my eldest my brothers name a lot I know she just gets muddled up rather than doing it to piss me off.

Oh don't know her The OP does DFOD

Good point NoSquirrels - if your mum gets wind of it upsetting you, if she is doing it on purpose, she’ll do it even more, or make even more of a big deal of it when she does - “ooh no, I did it again didn’t I, and I’ve probably upset you because of ...you know...” wink, nudge etc

Just tell her she’s either being a bit thick as she’s unable to remember her own grandchild’s name, or she’s got some issues and needs to see a doctor. She won’t like either.

I'd be saying until you can get his name right...I won't be calling you. I bet that gets her thinking.

I would end the immediately call with a firm 'His name is X ' goodbye, and I would do this on every single call until it sank into her brain.

Unless she has a habit of being cruel to you, I think you should encourage her to speak to her GP.

Your mother is a fucking bitch.

Do you know what she's doing? Now that you have a baby, she's pissing on what she sees as the new, revised boundaries of her territory - your motherhood, your new family, your baby.

You ain't gonna get to be the big grown-up mum, who now isn't the 'kid' any more, and has her own baby that she gets to set the rules for. Oh no. You're still the subordinate. She is the boss, and that includes how your baby fits in to the family. She is showing you that you don't get to call the shots with him.

Lots of narcissistic mothers are like this. They cannot BEAR the focus shifting when a baby comes along. They can't bear the baby being the new focus and worse, them not being the mum of said baby and therefore at the centre and the 'boss' of the baby stuff. They have to pour in a bit of scorn and try and put you back in your place. You ain't mum. She is.

The absolute only way to deal with this is zero tolerance. You need to set the boundary and it needs to be cast-iron, because this is only the start of it. The sooner you do it, the better it will be.

I assume you're not seeing her face to face. Next time, put the phone down. Immediately. She'll call back. You say 'Sorry about that. I'm not prepared to hear you call my son, your grandson, the wrong name any more. I know you know his name, USE IT or let's just not speak.'

She goes bananas. You slam the phone down again.

You will, if you can hold your nerve, get away with this because everything has changed, and YOU are now the mum with the baby and actually, she can rant all she likes but if you hint that you will stay away, she'll shit her pants. If she gets the impression from you that yes, you're mum, you're damn well going to inhabit that space and you will pull rank... she will back down.

Her fear is that you will do this, she knows you have the whip hand now as mum, so she's trying to batten things down almost before you've found your feet. Fight back now in a controlled way - phone down - do you need to see a doctor mum? - No, I won't call, it's upsetting and makes us very angry to hear you calling our son the wrong name, looks like we might have to wait a while before we're back in touch until you can learn his name, eh?'