My mum calls my baby my abusive ex boyfriend's name

[DerryGirl82]

For context, my mum has somewhat narcissistic / self centred traits and my dad enabled her whilst I was growing up. They are in their 70's. The first boyfriend I had when I was 18 was controlling and abusive towards me. I felt unable to tell my parents at the time and they turned a blind eye to my unhappiness but things came to a head after I finally plucked up the courage to end the relationship when I was 21 and he decided to cause problems by throwing bricks through the windows of my family home and getting arrested. So they definitely know this guy was an awful abusive person who did not make me happy.

It's now 20 years later and I'm happily married and have just had my first baby DS this year. My mum keeps calling him the same name as my abusive ex. To be clear, my son's name is nothing like my abusive ex's name. They merely have the same last syllable, eg ex's name Jamie, my DS name Alfie (examples only). She keeps doing it all the time. She started doing it about 2 months after he was born and now does it every time I speak to her online. What's worse is that she isn't mortified about it, she just laughed and says "ha ha I don't know why I keen calling him Jamie!". The worst aspect is that my Dad has dementia, and he has started calling my baby by the name too, because he's easily confused.

So far I have kept this hidden from my DH. He knows all about my ex but doesn't know what his name was. The first couple of times they said it I don't think he picked up on it, or perhaps just thought it was some random name they had confused, and since then he's been out of the room when I've rung them. I don't want him to know it as it feels hurtful that his child is being addressed by my mum in this way. My DH doesn't deserve it, and neither does my son- too young still to understand for now of course. Also it's hurtful to me.

I have said please could you not call him that and my mum just laughs and said she didn't mean to.

There's absolutely no reason to hide this from your DH. He has ex's too, it's hardly a sore point and nor surely most men wouldn't give a shit.

You do need to tell your Mum to stop, though. If she doesn't and you feel that she is now doing it just to be vindictive then just step back from her for a while.

It's clearly happening a lot if your Dad is also saying it now.

Hi OP

Your wording is quite telling. You say your husband doesn't deserve this and neither does your son. And then as an afterthought neither do you. Your husband and son dont have a history of abuse with this ex. You do. It affects you most, as its designed to, and you have been conditioned to put everyone else first.
Tell your husband as a first step and pull your mum up on it every single time. This must be horribly triggering to you

I'd cut the call every time.

Just hang it up.

Say nothing and next call don't mention it.

If she brings it up say "mum I think your confused over how the call ended. The same way your confused over what DGS is called."

Then continue to hang up until she decides to call him the right name.

Honestly acting like it isn't happening will totally confuse her and take the wind from her sails.

As your mum has narcissistic tendencies she’ll be be enjoying your reaction. Change tack. The next time she says it, ask her if she’s ok and say you’re worried about her because her memory is failing and is it dementia.

I guarantee she will hate that. Pull her up each time in the same way and she’ll stop.

Wow it almost impossible to imagine being that vindictive. I’d go very LC. You don’t need this shit in your life.

My mum is a toxic monster and repeatedly told me I was hard to love because I look like my dad. This reminds me of that. I would worry that as your son gets older this behaviour will escalate and she could do things like my example above.
I am probably an extreme example but constantly being compared to someone my mum hated has not done me any favours mentally.
Be careful and set your boundaries now, the more you tolerate the harder she will push for a reaction.

@ToastieSnowy

As your mum has narcissistic tendencies she’ll be be enjoying your reaction. Change tack. The next time she says it, ask her if she’s ok and say you’re worried about her because her memory is failing and is it dementia.

I guarantee she will hate that. Pull her up each time in the same way and she’ll stop.

I love this. Be interested in her reaction. I hate toxic mums with a passion. I'm so scared of fucking up my kids because of my past

@YoniAndGuy

Your mother is a fucking bitch.

Do you know what she's doing? Now that you have a baby, she's pissing on what she sees as the new, revised boundaries of her territory - your motherhood, your new family, your baby.

You ain't gonna get to be the big grown-up mum, who now isn't the 'kid' any more, and has her own baby that she gets to set the rules for. Oh no. You're still the subordinate. She is the boss, and that includes how your baby fits in to the family. She is showing you that you don't get to call the shots with him.

Lots of narcissistic mothers are like this. They cannot BEAR the focus shifting when a baby comes along. They can't bear the baby being the new focus and worse, them not being the mum of said baby and therefore at the centre and the 'boss' of the baby stuff. They have to pour in a bit of scorn and try and put you back in your place. You ain't mum. She is.

The absolute only way to deal with this is zero tolerance. You need to set the boundary and it needs to be cast-iron, because this is only the start of it. The sooner you do it, the better it will be.

I assume you're not seeing her face to face. Next time, put the phone down. Immediately. She'll call back. You say 'Sorry about that. I'm not prepared to hear you call my son, your grandson, the wrong name any more. I know you know his name, USE IT or let's just not speak.'

She goes bananas. You slam the phone down again.

You will, if you can hold your nerve, get away with this because everything has changed, and YOU are now the mum with the baby and actually, she can rant all she likes but if you hint that you will stay away, she'll shit her pants. If she gets the impression from you that yes, you're mum, you're damn well going to inhabit that space and you will pull rank... she will back down.

Her fear is that you will do this, she knows you have the whip hand now as mum, so she's trying to batten things down almost before you've found your feet. Fight back now in a controlled way - phone down - do you need to see a doctor mum? - No, I won't call, it's upsetting and makes us very angry to hear you calling our son the wrong name, looks like we might have to wait a while before we're back in touch until you can learn his name, eh?'

This is precisely why she is doing it! It's not a mistake it's deliberate.

It’s deliberate. You don’t say you didn’t mean to say or do something you know has upset someone, laugh &/or smile and then do the exact same thing again and again. Plus, she has form for this type of behaviour.
Tell her to stop and call her out on it every single time. Cut the contact if she continues. I understand as my Mum is also a narcissist.

Do not pretend that it does not bother you. That’s a fake/disingenuous reaction and pretending that it’s cool would piss me off even more. This is not a healthy way to react as you won’t be releasing those negative emotions that have built up inside of you. I personally need to get shit off my chest and then I feel a lot better. It would eat me up inside to not say how I really felt. Give it to her with both barrels and then disengage. Stick up for yourself and do not let anyone treat you like rubbish. Every time. Rinse and repeat.

outofthefog.website/
💐

You text her

“Mum I’ve been thinking about you constantly calling the baby Jamie. It looks like you’re doing it to upset me but that would be phenomenally cruel so I can only assume you’re forgetting his name. I’m really concerned and have spoken to a friend who’s a nurse and thinks this could be early signs of dementia. Can I organise a GO appointment for you? We really need to get this looked at, it’s not normal and I’m worried about you”

Then every time she does it after she insists she’s fine you bloody hang up. She’s a nasty bitch.

I would be laughing back at her everytime, calling her dumb and asking how she can't remember a simple name, is she that stupid? Or is she starting to suffer from dementia? Push it back onto her, make her look like a moron everytime. If she shouts, hang up and repeat when she calls back. When she calls back, ask her 'have you managed to remember his name or is it still too difficult for you? Shall we go over the alphabet again so you can remember?'.

Just be nasty back. She's a cow, she doesn't care, she deserves it.

What everyone else said. Hang up each time she does it.

YoniAndGuy is spot on.

She enjoys her control over you.
Stop feeding her more poison by being upset.
Simply hang up.
Hang up 100 times if it takes 100 times.

So far I haven't let on I'm upset, and I haven't reacted at all in the moment apart from the say the baby's actual name. I have read the comments abs can see what people are suggesting makes sense on paper. In reality I'm not sure. I feel like talking about the elephant in the room and outwardly saying "hey, mum, you calling the baby after a horrible abusive ex who is so far back in my past I do not even think about him from day to day is just unkind and hard for me me to hear" is just going to cause drama. I always feel shamed by my mum for having any ex partners. I have 4 ex's before I met DH, and often my mum will address DH by one of my ex's names too, before correcting herself, but she does it in the least cool way and makes a massive song and dance about correcting herself. One time she literally went through a roll call of each of my ex's names (as in, Jamie, no, David...George!..no, Raymond!) before correctly saying my DH's name and then said "oh dear, oh for goodness sake" etc etc. I feel ashamed every time she does it. This is now what happening with my baby.

@GameSetMatch

I don’t think she means any harm by saying it, it sounds like a mistake, she may call him that name because she think he looks like that name or she’s forgetful rather than her thinking of your ex, she probably hadn’t put two and two together.

If it makes you feel any better my Mum calls my eldest my brothers name a lot I know she just gets muddled up rather than doing it to piss me off.

That's not the same thing at all!

Honestly, she sounds like a dick. I would tell her you're knocking all contact on the head until she's ready to start calling your child by the correct name. Zero tolerance.

I am sorry you feel shamed by your mum - but you should not feel that way. Not many people have no ex’s nowadays. Perhaps you don’t have to go about it in such a direct way but if I were you I would tell my DH what is going on as he should know what she is doing, this involves him as well as your DCs father. But - a firm response from you is needed as you need to reset this relationship - if you want to continue it. She is bullying and trying to humiliate you - it needs to stop. I would tell her firmly never to use that name again. Put phone down immediately she does so. Leave her house if she does so. This is why your DH needs to know as it might appear an extreme reaction from you if he thinks she just said the name wrong accidentally. Someone I know had a similar issue with a family member over a child’s name being slightly reworded - not maliciously but because the relative preferred the other form. Firm words were said after previous gentle reminders had failed. Problem solved.

Read some of the Brene Brown books on shame & how it works in a situation like this.

Definitely shine a light on it, enlist DHs help, if he's a nice guy. My DH calls my mum out in a way I can't & it shuts her up.

She's attention seeking. It seems like she knows what she's doing, but it draws attention to her when she does her 'oops, I made a mistake! Silly me!' act.

I know you find it hard, but you owe it to your son not to be constantly called the wrong name by grandma his whole life. You can do it in a non confrontational way to start with, ie when she says Jamie, just say 'Mum! Why do you keep calling him Jamie?! What are you like?'. Then next time, a bit more annoyed 'mum, do you remember we spoke about this?' and then if she continues, you'd be within your rights to say 'you're upsetting me now. You know his name is Alfie, if you're not going to make the effort to get his name right, I won't be calling you for a while'. And hang up.

I would tell my Husband what she is doing.. that is his son she is doing this too... 🌺

Thanks, I told my husband about it. He hasn't noticed but thinks she is doing it "subconsciously deliberately" and said we don't need to let it matter to us as she is not someone who's actions we care about hugely, or who will be massively influential in 'Alfie's' life. But agreed I should just tell her to stop.

its absolutely deliberate... 🌺

She sounds like a bitch. Your husband sounds great.

Tell her. It's not funny, it is confusing my Dad - every single time you do it I will terminate the conversation. And do it.

Go very very low contact with her.