Should I throw him out?

[Layla17]

I started a thread a few weeks ago when my dp said he was going to leave me. You were all a great help. To cut a long story shortish he said he loves me but is not in love wth me and wants space. He has had an friendship with another girl at work and she is a born again christian and they have discussed being together but nothing has happened and they have apparently agreed that they it would not work and he has stopped contacting her for my sake.
We have dc's aged 3 (just) and 1. We have just come back from a week's holiday with my family and had a great time. He was like a different person and we had fun and agreed we had lost each other and would work to try to get it back. When we got back home on Sunday it all went wrong again. I really do think he is depressed. We have had a hard year with our daughter's problems at birth and ongoing health issues and having moved house last month.
Last night we went to Relate and he said some hurtful things about me having manipulated him and made him give up a job in the theatre 6 years ago! and forced him to ask me to marry him 3 months ago - I did not do any such thing!!! he also said I have made him abandon a friend who needs him!!!! What about his family!!!
Anyway - I really want to hold it together because I think he is just depressed but cannot take much more and don't know whether I should now ask him to leave.
Any ideas?

He brought the girls into town today and we all went out for lunch. It was really nice. We chatted and laughed together. he said he still does not know what he wants but thinks we should try to stay together. I gave him 2 options either he goes now (he doesn't want to because he thinks he will regret it) or he stays and makes a proper effort which means sleeping in the same room and going out just the two of us at least once a week. He said he will think this afternoon and we can talk again tonight. I am now worried that I have pushed him and he will go. Oh no - what a nightmare. Can't believe that this is happening to me and my beautiful girls. I say beautiful and they are, but they do both look just like their Dad!!

hope it all goes well, think possitive - he wants to stay. At least you are being true to yourself and if that is what you expect then you have every right to voice that. If he cant commit to that then at least you will have your answer and not have to wonder if he really wanted to stay.

Dont beat yourself up about it, but do try and enjoy the good times together and not get too deep. He will see what he is missing - your beautiful girls, no-one can ever take that away from you.

Be strong and hope you have a good weekend

Hi All. Just wanted to let you know what has been happening and ask for yet more advice!!
The last week has been brilliant. We have both been making an effort and have been getting on really well and having fun both together and as a family. We have done some decorating at home and plan to do more this weekend. He has arranged for his Dad to come and stay the following weekend and when i said I was not sure about that he said that it would give us the ability to go out just the 2 of us.
We are at Relate again tonight and I know that I am going to get hurt all over again because I have been letting myself believe that things are going to be ok and no doubt tonight he will still be saying that he doesn't know what he wants.
A friend has said that she thinks he is stringing me along to spend time with the girls and get the house finished so that we can sell it and that he just wants to be friends in her view. He is still in the spare room and I wonder if that is true.
What if he doesn't find me attractive anymore - can you get that back?? Any one had a similar experience?

Hello Layla

I have been following your threads but not posted before. Just wanted to say that I do know someone who managed to get back from a very similar situation to you.

It is good to hear you sounding happier and more positive, although you know that there are clearly more downs ahead as you work together at Relate. I have so much respect for Relate. They would not be doing the work they do, if they knew they were wasting their time. Some of the marriages they work with do survive.

The person I know was also sleeping in a separate room from her dh, who unbeknown to her, was involved with someone else. Her line was to be strong. They spent quite some time living separate lives. She got on with life and worked on her own self esteem - made new friends, got out and about, took an OU degree course - and then ultimately, nursed him through a serious illness too. He not only fell in love with her again, but he developed a whole new respect for her as a strong person on whom he could rely. They were very happy last I heard.

You know that not every story ends like this, but I hope that it helps to know that they can.

Best of luck.

Thank you so much Notquitegrownup. It is great to hear about positive stories. Have you had a successful experience with Relate? I am finding it realy hard going beacuse we are going through the stage of talking about what we do and don't like about each other and the relationship.
I will try to be strong but it is hard when emotionally I am a wreck. I feel as though I am contstantly trying to please him and cannot relax. What do I do about christmas - we always have all of his and my family round but at the moment he is saying we should take each day as it comes. I know it is a few weeks off but people are asking and I need to make plans for the girls.

Hi Layla

I haven't been to Relate myself, although friends have, and I found out a bit about them years ago, whilst doing a counselling course. Incidentally, it is a general rule that counselling tends to make things feel worse, as it is bringing things out into the open, so that they can be dealt with. I know that that is really hard, and I do feel for you, trying to carry on a 'normal' family life at the same time. I'm not sure that I could be that brave - I like things to get fixed, now, and for them not to drag on. But life ain't like that and it could be worth it in the end, as long as you are both being honest, and as long as you both want the relationship to work.

Perhaps having separate rooms, and some space in your life can give you a break from 'constantly trying to please him'. That sounds very very tiring - and is an impossibility, of course. Have you negotiated space in the week for you when he does the childcare? Evenings off to take a long bath, read a cheerful book, or go out with a girlfriend and laugh, if you can?

Christmas is going to be tricky isn't it? Have you told your family about the problems you are having? If not, could you say to your parents that you would like a change this year, and could you come to them? If they are happy to have you then it will give you a break, and you can concentrate on what is going on now for you, without having to plan for what ifs?

We have sorted out some space. We both have allocated nights during the week when we go out and we have 2 nights a week when we sit in front of the tv together (which we like doing). We were supposed to have a night out together each week but jave not got round to that yet which anoys me as I think that is important.

I agree that the separate rooms thing is a bit of a relief at times as it is nice to go to bed to read a book and recently he has not been sleeping weel so when we were in the same bed I would get nervous because he was tossing and turnign so much and I was waiting for him to leave the bedroom.

I suppose if I am really honest I miss the closeness of sharing a room and cuddling in bed and I miss the sex. I am worried that if a man does not want sex then how are we going to make it work. What if he doesn't find me attractive any more. You may have picked up from an earlier thread that he met someone else who he got close to but nothing happened and he tells me that they are no longer in touch - I think I believe him. tHere are certainly no more signs of it but he told me he was attracted to her and it is now hard for me to deal with him rejecting me physically.

As others have said, counselling is hard and often involves you hearing things that are upsetting. Sorry you are having such a lousy time over this. It is important to keep in mind the things you want and need (don;t let it be all about his dilemma, you are just as important as he is) and work on being someone who doesn;t need a romantic partner to survive. Because no matter what, it is not possible to force a person to remain in a monogamous relationship if that person doesn;t want to.

From what I have read, I think that you are doing brilliantly Leila. And of course, you miss that closeness. I guess that part of the counselling process will be to come to terms with what you have lost, as well as looking at what you hope for.

You may want to do that in your own space and time, rather than with your dh - in counselling, or on MN. (Your Relate counsellor might be able to advise whether s/he would see you alone for a one-to-one session, in addition to the couple counselling.)

In the meantime, MN is always here(though I must go to collect the dss now!)

Thinking of you.

I love the story of falling back in love again. This is what i feel has/is happening to us again.
It is hard but you do have to be strong and able to cope alone and know you are worth it, he will then see why is with you and hopefully begin to make it up to you.

We all lose sight of what is really important at times and you are a fantastic person for giving him the chance and not just giving up at the first sign of trouble, you should be proud of what you are doing and i am sure one day he will see that too.

Thanks HappyWoman. That has given me a boost. I am so pleased that is what has happened to you.
Do you think that by staying in separate rooms that means the attraction has gone. How did you start being affectionate with each other again and was it difficult?

my h left the marital home and got himself a flat - although i knew about the ow he still denined it was because of her.

I did hit rock bottom and really in my heart thought he had killed everybit of love i had for him - he certainly did a good job of it. All i can say to explain it is to say that he was not really thinking straight and i knew it was not the real him.

He says he had a 'moment' when he knew in his heart what he wanted and that is when he came begging. I could have been hard and not allowed him even the time of day (and after what he had put me through no one would have blamed me). Slowly he wooed me back and over time he has realised that what he ever wanted was me - and now we both take more care of each other.

It is not easy by any means and the future is still a scary place sometimes but each day we tell each other how we feel and it is just so much better than it used to be.

I have learned a lot about myself for which i am grateful and i appriciate so much more. I would not recommend this as a cure for your marriage but you will come out of this stronger i am sure of it.

You are the only one who has to live with yourself and if you like yourself it is so much better.

I feel so angry that he holds all the cards. We had a row when we got back from Relate last night because he is still not giving me any hope that things will work out. He just keeps saying that he does not want to go and that he wants to still live with me but have his space in the spare room. I can see no light at the end of the tunnel and it makes me angry that he thinks that he can make his decision in his own time and I have no say in matters. I want him to stay but not at any cost. I am trying to be strong and show him the best side of me but it is really hard when I am falling apart inside.

You need a safe place to rant (MN is good for that) because you need to start acting like his constant bleating and self-indulgence is of no consequence to you. Because at the moment he's got the luxury of going, oh, I;m such a tortured soul torn between two women, bleat bleat bleat, me me me.
Say to him, once and once only, very calmlly, that he has a time limit to make up his mind (say, a couple of months? Up to you). THen refuse all further discussion. Be nice and friendly with him but if he brings the subject up, say he's got to make up his own mind and there's no point in discussing it any more. And, without being hostile to him, set about enjoying your own life with your DCs, take up hobbies, see friends etc. Reduce the amount of space his emotional problems can take up in your life and let him make some effort for your attention.

You are absolutely right madamez. I will try. My problem is getting on with my social life - I don't want all my friends to know what is happening in case it does turn out ok - my friends would be very loyal to me and could turn against him which I do not want. Also it is very hard living with someone and trying to relax with them when I am so angry and he is being so selfish.

I agree with madamez. He has to make up his mind; you can't actually influence him; so I'd try to crank your anxieties down a notch (hard, I know!) and yes, concentrate on you a bit, get out and do something you enjoy that does not centre round home/husband.

At the moment you're in a position of extreme vulnerability because he is the one who holds the power of making this decision. Anything you can do that takes you out of the situation a bit might give you a sense of yourself again...don't be too grateful to him! Remember he is damn lucky that you are willing to try to make it work with him! I suppose what I'm saying is that the less your happiness depends on him, the more appealing he will probably find the idea of staying!

Layla 0 what's happening? Hope you ok

hi layla, have just read the thread and i feel like you need to retrieve some power back in this relationship.don't just let him walk all over you because he's pulling bullshit tricks.If the shit hits the fan then you have to be able to walk away with your dignity....he is trying to see how far he can push you

Thanks for thinking of me. It is all still very up and down.
The power balance has definitley shifted. He is now trying to make it work, he is seeing his doctor abpout his depression and we are going to Relate. I am the one who one minute wants to try and the next minute I want him to leave and am so angry about what he has done.
We are now sharing a room but there is still no sex.
I still do not know what to do. We are getting on really well and are having fun again but I cannot get over the fact that he has said he still doesn't know what he wants. It is like a sword hanging over me. He is all up beat about Christmas and is maing plans and I am just wondering what will happen if we are not together at Christmas.
I still love him and do not want to split up and 90 % of the time home is a happy place to be but for that 10% of the time I am angry and upset. I just don't know what to do.

Can completely understand where you are coming from.

Try and focus on the fact that he is with you and also that you too have not made up your mind. One day you will wake up and know if you can do it - but that will take time. He may not have made up his mind and he still may be wanting you to do the deed and make the final desision - because he is a coward and wants to play victim (but then be honest so do you to some extent).

Try and enjoy the good times and not focus on the 10% bad but on the 90% good. Which agian is easier said than done.

Anyway good luck and we are still thinking of you.

Do you think it would help to put a timescale on it? eg by New Year (or longer, you could negotiate) you must decide whether you want to stay permanently or leave. Perhaps this is something you could talk about at Relate. It must be very hard living with the uncertainty. Do you think he might be enjoying having that power over you?

To be honest I don't think he is enjoying the power. He seems desperate to get me to stay. He has said that he thinks it would be useful for us to have some time apart but he thinks that if I go I will not come back and he does not want that.
He wants to sort out his head and go back to the confident happy person he used to be so that we can be happy again.
One thing that worries me is the sex thing. neither of us are bothered but to me that is a big thing - what if he does not find me attractive any more? Can that come back?

I think the sex can come back - it may take some effort and if he is depressed he may not have any sex drive at all at the moment.

If he is desperate for you to stay then he must also make that commitment - and it sounds as if you need him to make it first so that you can trust what he is saying. He cannot expect you to stay if he is not sure he wants to.

He has said that his sex drive isn't there any more but I was wondering whether he just didn't want to have to do it with me - I suppose I am being paranoid.
He says that he cannot give me any guarantees but all he can say is that he wants to make it work and will do everything he can. He thinks Relate is helping us to communicate better and has agreed to see his doctor because I said he needed to about his depression.
It is very hard living with someone and acting normally with them when he has said that old chestnut 'i love you but I am not sure that I am in love with you'!! One minute I am confident that we will be fine the next I just want to run home to my parents (with my 2 girls of course!!)
Thanks for all your support again.