Should I throw him out?

[Layla17]

I started a thread a few weeks ago when my dp said he was going to leave me. You were all a great help. To cut a long story shortish he said he loves me but is not in love wth me and wants space. He has had an friendship with another girl at work and she is a born again christian and they have discussed being together but nothing has happened and they have apparently agreed that they it would not work and he has stopped contacting her for my sake.
We have dc's aged 3 (just) and 1. We have just come back from a week's holiday with my family and had a great time. He was like a different person and we had fun and agreed we had lost each other and would work to try to get it back. When we got back home on Sunday it all went wrong again. I really do think he is depressed. We have had a hard year with our daughter's problems at birth and ongoing health issues and having moved house last month.
Last night we went to Relate and he said some hurtful things about me having manipulated him and made him give up a job in the theatre 6 years ago! and forced him to ask me to marry him 3 months ago - I did not do any such thing!!! he also said I have made him abandon a friend who needs him!!!! What about his family!!!
Anyway - I really want to hold it together because I think he is just depressed but cannot take much more and don't know whether I should now ask him to leave.
Any ideas?

Layla, You have heard some good advice here. I am so sad to hear that you had to have a termination-life is hard enough for you at the moment.
Have you considered making his affair known to his workmates? they say that affairs don't survive the light of day. Worth considering.
Of course she will go to the party-they won't miss a chance to see each other-bet he doesn't even go , just slinks off to meet her. I'm sorry if that is hurtful but it is highly likely.
Remember you can't stop the affair and you can't make him stay-but you can treat him so well he doesn't want to leave and be the best Layla you can be for you and your family.

Does a woman whose husband is treating her so badly have to be good to him? Isn't that sending him the wrong message?

Layla I'm sorry things are so hard at the moment. Be good to yourself and your dcs. They are who are important here.

Elizabethh, it depends on the state of the relationship. If Layla wants her DH to break with the OW, being horrible to him will only drive him further into the OW's arms.
Being nice to him hopefully shows him that Layla is the one he wants to be with and also means that Layla's home is likely to be calmer and therefore better for the DCs. Also if the wheels fall off, Layla will be able to look herself in the eye and say categorically that she did everything she could to save her marriage.
Hopefully, if Layla continues to treat DH with sympathy and love, the OW will break and be horrible to him in an attempt to get him away from his wife and that will drive him back home!
I'm not saying he deserves her being nice to him you see, just that it is a good strategy whilst Layla still wants him back.

i agree, but it is hard. Last night I told him to pick the girls up from nursery so I knew where he was and then went to see my mum for a bit. I got home at 7 and he then fell asleep so I sorted the girls out for bed. We had tea together and watched a film. We didn't talk about anything significant but just joked about the film. It was all very normal. He fell asleep on the sofa as he tends to do and I went to bed.
He is at home with the girls today but my eldest woke up early and came into my bed. He got up before I went to work and when she said about a character in a story who doesn't know what to do he said - that sounds just like Daddy. He was pleasant with me but I am now sat at work wondering whether he will be in touch with the OW today while he is with my children.
when I am at work I tend to get angry and think that I should tell him to leave but then I really don't want that. I just want him to go back to being the person he was.

Hang in there Layla-I know it is very very hard but the stakes are high. You have to fight for this! Fight for your family and your DH!
The thing is(to repeat myself) you can't stop him having contact with the OW. But sooner or later the bubble will burst for him and OW because they are building their relationship on deceit. In fact, because it seems he is so unhappy, it may already be wavering. So go for it! Good luck!

Thanks pumpkins. You have made me feel a lot more positive.

Hang on in there - he may have guilt building up making him not himself

My brother has just called to see me at work and has said that he thinks I need to ask him to leave as he is now making a fool out of me and dragging me down. i tend to agree with him but am scared. I don't want my family to break up and I don't want to be a single parent of such young children.
I have rung him and asked him if he had made any decisions and he said no and asked if I have. I said we need to talk but I know it will end in a row with me accusing him of an affair and him denying it. I am a mess. I want to run away for a few days but can't bear to be away from my kids.

Layla, this is crazy; you shouldn't have to put up with it. Your dp is being really childish and self-indulgent. I think you should make it clear to him that he can do what he wants - you can't stop him walking out if he wants to, after all - but that he must grow up and take responsibility for his own actions. Why should you indulge this ridiculous behaviour and feel bad about it? Whatever happens, however difficult it is at the moment, you will be ok.

I hope he sees sense soon.

Yes you do need to talk but at the moment have you got all the facts - as he has. i really think he wants to 'force' your hand and make you kick him out. Men really are such cowards when it comes to making a descision like this. he wants to be the victum and go running to her and saying what an awful woman you are.

If it were me - and remember i have been there i would try really hard to not pick a fight and really take the moral high ground. Yes he may be making a fool of you now but if you really want to make your marriage work then you need to stay put and we will give you all the support here.

It sounds horrid but it really is a bit of a game and if you can hold out by being really nice and calm and state your case like this it will be him that ends up looking the fool. He will be seen as the fool for going if that is what is does or for puttng you through this if he wants to stay.

My gut feel is that he wants to go but needs an excuse - please dont give it to him, let him have the guilt trip.

If being a fool is all he can acuse you of then so be it - there are much worse things than that - husband stealer for one!!

I am really thinking of you and hope you can keep calm and dignified through all this.
You are a fantastic person who just wants to keep to their side of the marriage vows and keep their family together. hold your head high you are doing nothing wrong here remember that.
Calm calm calm

Layla, been off this thread for a while. HappyWoman is giving you good advice, and I would urge you to listen. Put it this way: all you have to lose is your marriage.....so why give it away by asking him to leave? There may well come a time when that is the appropriate thing to do...but not yet.
You are not the fool here, girl.

Also, you know he is having an affair, so don't give him the opportunity to deny it-he called the OW the morning before he took you into hospital, remember?
Whilst he is having contact with her, he won't be able to see /think straight.

layla
Are you ok today - any news?

Things have changed slightly over the weekend. I told him on Saturday that I thought he should leave. We sat down and talked about why we had drifted apart and agreed that we no longer spend any quality time together and all the things we used to enjoy doing as a couple have been dropped since we had the kids. It was quite shocking to think about. He said he didn't want to leave. I said that he could only stay if he was staying for us and that it was not enough to stay for the cildren or so that we could finish doing the house up.
On Sunday I kept it up and told him to go. We unpacked some boxes together and he looked at some photo's of when our eldest dd was born. He then totally broke down and was sobbing on the floor and talking about how our 2nd dd's birth had affected him even though he didn't realise and how he felt as though he hadn't bonded with her. He hadn't 'dealt' with his feelings because he was being strong for me (which I accept. He agreed he was depressed and is going to see his doctor.
This morning he said he was desperate to stay together and will do anything. He asked how I felt about him and I said I didn't know him any more . I said I loved the old him but not the new him. he said he wanted to be the old him again. i said I cannot trust him and he said he will do anything he can to get that back.
We are going to Relate on Wed. he seems a lot more positive and I feel at lot more in control but I am worried it might all go back to how it was again.
Am I being a fool?

You are not being a fool and it may be that there is a lot going on in his head right now which needs to be sorted.

If you really want your marriage to work - and it sounds as if you do then you have to have faith that he is telling you the truth. He may not be but that is his choice.

Now whatever happens you need to treat him the way you would want to be treated. The old him is i am sure still in there somewhere. My H was the same and i hated him for a while but now he has got his head straight he is back to the old him again and it is wonderful.

Keep strong and be kind to yourself and him. YOU ARE NOT BEING A FOOL. You are fighting for your family and that takes courage - it is sometimes too easy to walk away when things get tough.

Take care now and have a good evening.

Last night he was home before 6 pm and before me which is unheard of! he was chatty and we played with the girls together. He cooked dinner and tidied up. He had his usual night out at the local with his friend and this morning again was chatty and looked relaxed with me. He told me he was really happy at the place he is now working as there are other men to chat to and he feels much more relaxed than he did on the last contract (when he was working with the OW!). tHis morning a I had a call from a friend who is the wife of one of his best mates from home. They had a baby the same time we had our youngest and their dd is disabled. She doesn't usually phone me as the men talk and arrange things direct. She chatted about how hard it is to keep a relationship on track and I told her Dp and i were having problems. He has aready told her husband so she obviously knew. She told me that we should not give up and gave some really positive advice. I am wondering whether he has been in touch were her dh and said that it is now me wanting him to leave.
i am feeling so much more positive but am now wondering whether I am building myself up for a fall if he does still decide to go.

i really hope everything works out for you, and I only wish there was someone who could give my dh some advice and get him to come home your dh sounds at least he is willing to make a go of it

Thanks TLV. I hope your dh comes to his senses and if not they are not worth it are they - although it is easier to say that than believe it!

Who is building it up to him leaving? You or him?

You cannot 'keep' him there, if you want him there then you must give it your all and not worry so much about him leaving. That will be his choice and like i have said before he will be the one with all the guilt if he does.

Stay strong and keep working it through - we all have rough patches and if he has talked to someone else that is good and means he is willing to ask for help - and that is a rare thing in a man.

Anyway glad you are feeling a bit more possitive - dont be afraid to ask for help if you need it - you will be able to give it back when things are a bit easier for you.

Take care

Help!
We went to Relate last night. We had been getting on well all week and then we had to talk about all the problems again. It really upset me. He is adamant that the OW is out of his head - nothing happened and nothing will happen he says. I think I belive him. I said I still want him to go because I need some certainty in my life. He will not go because he thinks that there is a chance we could work this out and he does not want to go and regret it for the rest of his life.
Found myself saying that he has 2 options either go or really make an effort and that means sharing a room again (he still wants space) and going a away for a night or day on our owns next weekend. He is thinking about it!
What should I do. I don't want him to leave but I can't let him carry on like this. What would you guys do?

Hi Layla, just caught up with you again. Sounds like things are a lot more positive from what you say. He sounds like he does want to work it out, he is going with you to Relate and he has admitted some issues he has. Actually from where you were a few weeks ago it sounds like a lot (from the outside) It is early days though and i think you're going to need to be patient. As I might have said before play the long game. I think your suggestions are fair (ie sharing a room, going away together) but try not to push it too fast. I'm sure he will come round but it probably needs to feel like a mutual decision to him? (remembering some of your earlier comments about him feeling you were the one in control not him) Is he affectionate towards you (will you let him be? If so maybe this is a start point, cuddle on the sofa before bed for a few days and see if you can both agree when you get back to sharing a room? Maybe suggest that you need some physical affection from sharing a bed, but maybe an ultimatum isn't the best way? I am speaking from experience here I promise, some of your and DH issues really similar to mine. We would have been in separate rooms if we'd had a spare And we have just done 7 months at Relate (finished yesterday in fact ) Most of this time I was really annoyed and not understanding why he didn't want to make love even when things were getting better, but it actually took six months before that all clicked into place - a lot longer than i thought it would. We are now much stronger than before, somewhere I couldn't have imagined this time last year. hang in there

Hi Layla - it does sound more possitive in that he is willing to stay and wants to work it all out. This is better than him 'just going along' with what you want for the easy life. He sounds as if he really is taking some time to think things through for himself. Give him some credit - most of the men i have heard of have continued lying and going for the easy option (mine included). He sounds as if he is being very mature about it.
The time away would be a good idea though but again let him think that is his idea.

Hard as it is try and back off and make him really really want to stay and not just becusse he has no other options.

You are not 'letting' him carry on like this you are merely supporting him through this time by being there for him but not being a fool. You show him you are getting on with your life and while he is 'dithering' he will see that he does not have all the time in the world.

Be kind to yourself and stay strong you are doing just fine. Remember you are fighting for your marriage because you think it is worth it not becasue you are a fool but because you have a marriage worth saving. It is hard but worth it.

Thanks Keeplaughing and HappyWoman - your posts have made me feel much more positive after a very bad day. Great to hear that you can come through problems like this. I hope we can.

it's ok Layla, one day at a time... We'll be here. Now (she nags) have you had any time to yourself today?? whatever form of escapism you take try to find time for it to siwtch off for a bit. Any time you're NOT thinking about all this gives your mind a bit of downtime. Bath? glass of wine? crappy novel?

yes one day at a time and even each hour when it gets really tough!!

Things will get easier i promise and you are doing so well. You will be so much stronger once you come through this even though you dont feel like that at the moment.

Remember he is still there so it cant be all that bad - you have not had to tie him up or anything and if he wanted he could leave and he doesnt want to so you must be doing something right.

If i dont catch up tomorrow have a good weekend and try and relax and just enjoy being together and dont push it too hard.