Husband’s response to my negative emotions

[Allthenumbers]

Really struggling with how DH responds when I express a negative emotion.

Had a really stressful morning with the kids (3 year old who is being assessed for autism and a 2 yr old who is very demanding). After the 2 yr old was finally down for a nap, I said “god, what an awful morning”. DH response was “well, let’s have a good afternoon”. All I wanted was a response like, “yeah I know” or I don’t know, something that just acknowledged the feeling.

This sort of response from him is fairly standard. Maybe it sounds minor but life is so hard at the moment and when I’m feeling down or stressed, saying something to DH is likely to make me feel worse because he’ll always come back with some sort of positive or problem solving solution.

I don’t know how to explain to him or if I’m being unreasonable to expect him to change. When he is down or stressed I think I do well at just letting him feel sad or stressed etc but being there for him.

Does anyone know what I’m talking about or any advice?

I think you are unreasonable 😟 he is trying to be positive if I was in a bad mood the last thing I need is my husband to make it any worse by saying how bad it is, I’d much rather he brought some positive and tried to make me feel better! Maybe your mood is seeing his response negatively as well.

Sometimes we need to vent. It’s unhealthy to always bury negative feelings - they find a way of coming out. In a moment like the one you describe, like you I would have preferred a sympathetic “yes, it’s been a tough morning” and perhaps even “you did really well to keep it together”. It’s the acknowledgment that’s important (it’s important with children as they get older, too).

But in my experience listeners in that situation often feel obliged to swing into “fix-it” mode. Your H was probably thinking he can’t fix it so he would prefer not to think about it at all.

Maybe emphasise to him that you’re not looking for a fix - you just need to express that feeling and you will then be able to move on.

I get what you mean totally as my DH is exactly the same. Sometimes you just need to vent and just need a listening ear whereas my husband sees everything as a problem that needs fixing.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Sometimes we just want to be heard and have our feelings acknowledged. Although I'm sure your husband thinks that by giving you a positive response, he is helping.

Thanks. I have asked him several times and tried to explain but it’s his default i think so v hard to change.

I’ve been doing a lot of
Mindfulness lately which is a lot about not denying feelings, but sitting with them, leaning into them etc so I think I find his approach doubly hard as it’s at odds with what I’m learning.

I wonder I might see if he will do the meditations with me so he can see what I mean.

I do understand what you mean. You want to feel acknowledged, the 'let's have a better afternoon' may come across as dismissive. You just don't feel heard

I don't think YABU but I do think you and your DH are probably having the same conversation with very different understandings of what is needed.

I have both a DH and a manager who do this and it is exceptionally frustrating. It takes a lot for me to actually complain about anything so from my POV if I do say I'm finding something difficult then it should be obvious that it's not something I can just jolly my way through. I also get pissed off if I'm expected to be relentlessly sunny and cheery about everything.

However - from their POV its not unusual for someone to express frustration and need a bit of motivation/encouragement which is what they think they're providing. DH also tends to leap into problem solving mode and start firing advice at me which makes me want to stick forks in him

These days I quite often tell DH outright 'I need to vent a bit - I'm not looking for suggestions, I just need a hug'. If you're going to ask your DH to listen to the mindfulness work you've been doing, it might be worth considering that he doesn't necessarily have to change his approach to match yours, but he could use them to understand what you need. You might also have to consider that what helps you won't necessarily help him and he might need something different from you.

"Thanks. I have asked him several times and tried to explain but it’s his default i think so v hard to change."

Why is he the one that needs to change? If he is the positive one then perhaps it you that needs to change instead?

I know what you mean. My dh does this. If you can find it look up the recent one off episode of Loose Men. I found it really interesting on how men have been typically conditioned to communicate.

And like a pp my male boss also does this. Tried to solve every moan even where they are not issues that can be solved!

It depends on how often you are expressing these negative emotions. Being constantly negative brings down those around you and is not fun to be around. Hard to tell from your post as you are only referring to one example.

That said, I also have a dp who needs to fix everything and will never just let me offload, so I do feel your pain!

@Gliblet I think you’re right. Part of the problem is I think that when I’m stressed/down he is often feeling the same way. Like this morning we’d both had a shit morning. His way of dealing with it is to look at the positive. So I think then it’s extra hard for him to acknowledge my feelings. The problem is that because he doesn’t acknowledge his own feelings enough they often do then come out in unhealthy ways
Eg stress related illness. So I think it would benefit him to change his approach up dealing with emotions.

He’s actually very on board with the idea of helping the kids deal with their emotions as our autistic daughter needs support with emotional regulation. I think it’s just a lifetime of emotion denying is hard to change.

I remember reading about this exact problem in a book years ago 'Why men won't listen and women can't read maps'. Was mostly silly sexist rubbish but on this topic it made sense to me. Basically the theory was that men are conditioned to be problem solvers. Your DH thinks when you express a negative emotion, that you're asking for him to solve it. Try stating outright, 'I just need sympathy, I don't need a solution or advice'.

@Ginsodden thanks! That’s brilliant!

@Allthenumbers

Thanks. I have asked him several times and tried to explain but it’s his default i think so v hard to change.

I’ve been doing a lot of
Mindfulness lately which is a lot about not denying feelings, but sitting with them, leaning into them etc so I think I find his approach doubly hard as it’s at odds with what I’m learning.

I wonder I might see if he will do the meditations with me so he can see what I mean.

I would really struggle with this as it would sound to me like you are telling me that my feelings are not valid or 'right' and I had to be like you. How would you feel if he said 'you need to stop being so negative all the time so we are going to banish all negative thoughts and words and only do positive affirmations'?

@MichelleScarn I’m not saying his feelings aren’t right. His feelings can be as negative as mine. This is about how we respond to each other’s negative emotions. I’m looking for empathy. I respond empathetically to him. I suppose the more valid question is, does he want me to respond in kind or would he rather I respond with positivity and an “at least....” when he expresses negative emotion.

But I would say we have a hell of a lot on our plates at the moment so we do all we can to maintain positive mental health. All of my learning points towards acknowledging feelings initially as a way to coping better. The problem solving, if applicable, comes after that.

I used to work with someone like this. She just would never acknowledge a problem or one's immediate feelings. I'm a fairly positive person, but I do, at least initially want to have the chance to express negative feelings occasionally. Even if two minutes later I'm coming up with a plan.

But I totally gave up on this person when I had to go into work (I'd been on leave to care for my husband who had terminal cancer) to let them know that all treatment had been withdrawn, he'd been allocated a hospice nurse, and it was now going to be a matter of a very few weeks. Her response? "Don't be so negative. You have to have a positive attitude. Miracles happen!"

I couldn't even speak. He and I had been very positive throughout his illness. She knew that. But some people genuinely have no capacity to take in reality or empathy.

This is one I can relate to as well, though in this situation, I am the husband of a perpetually negative wife. If there is a negative to be seen, a down side to something, she'll find it, and will unload. She also tends to take on and worry about things that she is not responsible for and has no control over. I have learned the nuances of her reactions, and most of the time can tell when she is wanting a fix, or just a rant and respond accordingly.

I don't try and stifle her expression, but managing her emotion does come with the side affect that I need to be very mindful in how I express my own feelings, so I am often left to process my own feelings without having an external sounding board.

For me, I don't bottle things up per se, it's just that I have learned to very quickly process emotions and let go of things that I have no control over, or can't change. I can't change what has already happened, but I do have some control over what is to come. It was a shit morning, so I'll try for a better afternoon.

I love her dearly, but she is exhausting sometimes.

Don't think his response was too bad.
“god, what an awful morning”
“well, let’s have a good afternoon”
could have been
Yeah it was shit and it'll all kick off again in another couple of hours then its meals and baths and beds, never ending and it's going to be the same tomorrow and for the next 16 years or so

Think I like the more positive response even if it is a bit rose tinted.

It's pushing your buttons because he isn't acknowledging your feelings. YANBU. It's a communication issue which can be solved if you both are willing to work on it.
Watch this YouTube clip together, you'll have a giggle about it and it makes the point well:

I don't think it's his positivity that's the issue rather it's the lack of acknowledging your feelings and frustration. If he had said - yes, it's been a tough one hasn't it? Let's try and have a good afternoon to make up for it - and given you a hug, I'm guessing that would have been fine.

So I think the conversation with him should be along the lines of acknowledging and not dismissing your feelings rather than being too positive.

@TigsytheTiger yes you’re spot on. Maybe my op was misleading. It’s not like he’s Tigger and I’m Eeyore, it’s just when a negative emotion arises as they inevitable do in life, he’s reaction is to dismiss, fix, solve. Often all that’s need is just the other person to acknowledge the feeling. I have expressed this to him but it’s hard to change I think.

But I also wonder whether I need to not verbally acknowledge how I’m feeling but basically just deal with it myself. I don’t mean bottle up, but just allow myself to feel the feeling, acknowledge to myself and then move on. As the problem at the moment is that I end up feeling cross that I’ve been dismissed on top of whatever the initial emotion was!

This is in men are from Mars women are from Venus too. Apparently men only tell others about problems if they want advice, so if you tell them a problem they assume you want a solution from them.

Have you tried asking him to prepend up to ten words of sympathy before his upbeat response?
So he would have said,
"You are NOT WRONG, whoooo boy!" And then, "well, let’s have a good afternoon".

I am with him on the "the past is fixed, the future can be better " outlook and I think it's very helpful TBH BUT I do get that a teaspoon of empathy and listening is needed too.