Thinking my bf could be autistic

[Doddlebug2000]

I may be way off the mark here and I am quite ignorant to autism spectrum disorder so jump in and correct me please.
I've got to know my bf for over a year now.

The issues that keep coming up for me are:

He never asks any questions, so eg yesterday we met for a walk and I ask did he have a good Xmas then? He answers and that's the end of the convo.
I've noticed this for a long time, he will answer the question and not use that as a bridge to then ask me something similar or ask the same back.

He is in a routine and he is adamant he has to sleep in his own bed. So he will make excuses and there was even one time he went quiet for hours because I said i wanted him to sleepover at the weekend. I believe this was because he was stressing that he wouldn't be in his own bed.

He also has an inner routine as there were occasions where I saw him on 2 consecutive Saturday nights.
The first one at 9.24pm he texted saying he was leaving to come over.
Then the next week at 9.24pm he texted the exact same message. I checked this as I had a chuckle to myself that I bet it was 9.24 last week too and it was and the same wording. Both times he was leaving between 9 and 10 to come and he would let me know when he was leaving.

He cleans up after himself immediately, so he has dinner then goes straight in to do dishes and tidy up. (not complaining here but seemed unusual!)

His texts are all of a similar nature and I can usually predict when he will text and what he will say.

In summer he was working away and we were fwb at this point. I casually said 'give me a shout the next time you are home then'
He took this literally as I didn't want to hear from him until the next time he was home. As in he made sure he didn't contact me until then. He explained this to me after.

I've mentioned a couple of things I'm worried about or that have been stressing me, he never once has asked how I am and how I'm coping with said things. Everyone else in my life would ask how such and such is etc

He will buy the top most expensive equipment for different activities even if its not something he regularly does eg hill walking, fishing but he is a bit fixated on buying all the right kit and having it all.

He said sometimes he will be ready to go out somewhere and then go and completely change what he is wearing because he doesn't feel good in it.

If I ever challenge him on anything (I mean an opinion on something) he goes into himself and feels attacked

He can be very quiet at times and very withdrawn at times.

He does not talk about his feeling at all and if he's pushed he becomes very uncomfortable.

He has funny accent type things and funny facial expressions that he does all the time and I think he will do them as a defense technique when he's feeling uncomfortable

He's never said anything like 'I'd like to take you here' 'I'd like for us to do X'

He said he spent years deciding whether or not to buy a winter jacket he was looking at.

All in all he's a kind person, he's definitely lacking the normal social skills that I'd expect of a 40 year old man. Some things are so odd to me I've never experienced anyone like this before and this morning I'm just wondering if it is in fact autistic characteristics and this would maybe help me understand what's going on here.

Reading this back it sounds like he's not into me!! But he is, he texts every day and is very sweet and affectionate.
We were casual through summer and he said he did have feelings for me and that he did want to be in a relationship with me so I know all of this isn't because hes not that into me (although this is what I thought at the start of the year)

Your relationship isn't working, so you decided to "diagnose" him with autism to fix it?

To add on
He gets very stressed and nervous about social situations.
He has a small friendship group that he's gone to school with.
He doesn't like talking on the phone because he gets nervous about what to say.

It's not that it isn't working, it's that I've honestly never met anyone with social skills like this!
Just posting for opinions not a diagnosis.

To be honest, in the early stages of relationships you either click or you don't... if you are analysing each other so carefully it seems unnatural and wrong. You don't sound very into him to be honest. He would drive me nuts.

Let's say he is - what difference is it going to make to you/your relationship?

The process for adult diagnosis is long, difficult, and although some people do find it answers a lot of questions for them about why they've never quite felt like everyone else seems to expect them to, they then end up with a massive slew of questions about what is actually them, and what aspects of what they previously thought of as their personality is just defence mechanisms and masking behaviours. It can do as much harm as good gaining an adult diagnosis.

I ask all this as the wife of one ASD male and the mother of his mini-me

His social/communication skills sound irregular OP. ASD is a social/communication deficit, as you've correctly identified.

Have you asked him about how things were for him at school? This would provide you with a bit more info. You don't mention his friends: does he have friends, or people he does hobbies with?

What are his parents like? ASD is genetic. DS1 (8) has recently been diagnosed with Asperger's, and I'm convinced both his dad and I also have it.

If you want to find out a bit more about what life is like for people with Asperger's, 'BeenThere, Done That, Try This' is a good read.

Whether he has autism or not is irrelevant. I can't see how you could possibly be happy with this man long term. Nothing but hard work, emotionally unavailable, and has horrible communication skills. I would be moving on.

He has a small friendship group that he's gone to school with and a couple of work colleagues. But his social circle is small.
He says regularly that he's set in his ways.
He is also happy on his own and doesn't need company.

He says regularly that he's set in his ways.

That means he's inflexible and your needs will never come before his. Run for your life.

He sounds very difficult regardless of any autism

I also don’t see what difference it makes if he’s autistic or not as he is 40 and not likely to get diagnosed unless he particularly wanted to push for it himself.

He definitely sounds a bit odd. It depends if you can tolerate it all. Even the not asking you questions or asking how you are in a difficult situation would be hard in a long term relationship.

He does sound like he might be. I am and recognise that description. Thank you for being kind about him, often that isn't the case on this forum. I think he could be a real gem and for the posters who have misread, OP hasn't said it is not working, rather that she has noticed he is unique characteristics. OP, autism can have huge advantages in relationships - loyalty, consistency, priority of affections. I am not unrealistic though, it has its challenges - routines are not easily disrupted even with major life events in play, for example. I wish you the best

Glublet - such a thoughtful post. I see your points. Made me think.

@oddgirlout thank you for your reply, this is what I was looking for when deciding to post about him.
We have been on and off for a year and in that time I have dated others and have missed my bf and we have decided to give things another go.
I more want to understand his way of thinking and it might end up making things easier for me.
For many months I had thought like he's not into me, he makes no effort, he's not interested. But after this time I don't believe any of these things are true, I do believe that his perception of situations is unusual though and he definitely has a lack of empathy.
We have a nice time together and I enjoy his company.
When he goes quiet I automatically think its something to do with me but its obviously not. It's his own thing

Also one thing that's very attractive about him is his fierce loyalty, funny that you should say that @oddgirlout

As PP have said. I think you need to think if these things are a problem for you, or just observations which you now know about him and that helps you know how this relationship will work.

Search the relationships boards on here for threads with partners of aspergers/ASD partners, and on google. Some are harsh and direct but they do give you an idea of the long term and potential feelings which are not always easy to live with.

To the posters that commented that they don't see what difference it makes, I think it does make a difference. OP seems to be coming from the place of understanding, she's trying to be a good, kind partner, open-minded. It doesn't sound like she's unhappy. OP, I don't think it's possible to say one way or another. Some of his behaviours are unusual but it sounds like you can live with them. Having said that, some things like not being interested in what you do, your worries etc., are you finding this difficult? I know I would long term, regardless of whether he is or is not on a spectrum. Has he been on his own for a while?

I agree he does sound like he is. I'm a mother to a diagnosed ASD child and partner to an undiagnosed most likely ASD man. I'm so touched by how kindly you described him. You obviously like him. Other posters calling him odd, difficult etc know little about autism and are the reason why there's so much stigma for autistic people to fight through in their lives. This is the reason my partner won't get an assessment.

It's not easy being in a relationship with someone who's ASD. Mine hates social situations so I've had to learn to socialise alone, he hyper fixates on his hobbies and it can get a bit much sometimes, but they bring him a lot of joy and comfort when he needs it. I know when he's talking to me about it and I'm getting bored that he's only trying to share with me his passion and that's because he wants me to get the same enjoyment from them that he does. Conversation is difficult, very short and abrupt, often one way, unless it's a subject he's interested in. But he's also extremely loyal, kind, organised, tidy hurrah lol, passionate about his work, successful and everyone's go to man for logistical problems.

If you feel like you want to carry on with the relationship my advice would be to read read read and get a really good understanding of autism x

I will have a look @HyperHippo just posted to see if this does sound like ASD or am I just over thinking.
If I can get an understanding of him and his ways.

I was diagnosed at 40 (female) and it can and does happen. For me, it was hugely positive and explained a lot.

If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. We're all different. I live in a total pigsty and would never immediately tidy up after myself for example! That alone might make him a keeper

I do that question thing. I assume that people are asking me something because they genuinely want to know the answer. It doesn't automatically occur to me that a) they're just making conversation or b) that it would be polite to ask back.

Just like any relationship, either you're compatible or not. But trying to understand each other is probably helpful. Telling someone you think they might have a lifelong neurodevelopmental condition might not go down well though.

You have only need together a short while, but how do you imagine the future with him. What about when the day comes that youreally need his emotional support? From what you've written, I don't think he's capable of giving it.

If I ever challenge him on anything (I mean an opinion on something) he goes into himself and feels attacked

This alone is a deal breaker. How can you resolve differences when he can't handle even mild confrontation?

I've mentioned a couple of things I'm worried about or that have been stressing me, he never once has asked how I am and how I'm coping with said things. Everyone else in my life would ask how such and such is etc

I can't even imagine how lonely and resentful this would make you feel after a while. Again, he's not capable of emotional support. That would be a very difficult way to live, knowing he's just not in tune with you.

@blissfulllife I can relate to this with my bf.
He's passionate about his work and works hard, he's into his hobbies as I've said about getting the proper gear and planning them with precision.
He hates social situations and when talking about his Xmas plans he was focused on getting home and relaxing with a beer, that was going to be the highlight of his Xmas.
The conversation is very similar, can be short and abrupt at times. Or others he will chat away if it's something he's interested in.
It's interesting to hear similar characteristics here

Re the question about him not asking how I am. No it doesn't bother me too much tbh because I have a close and big friendship circle who are amazing at talking about problems with. Also I'm very close to my mum so I don't need him to be that 'rock' so to speak. It's just an observation about him though.

Oh @bitheby I'd never say to him!!
This is my own personal education here not for me to go and demand he gets tested!!
Im also a kind person and would never hurt his feelings like that

He sounds a bit like me 🙈. I don't think I'm on the spectrum but who knows eh? I'm poor at small talk and have to consciously remind myself to ask questions back as I'm aware of that. I like to have the best stuff for activities because, well, it's better. I like being on time. sounds like it's just him to be honest. My ex always likes to clean up straight away after eating. I don't think it's that unusual.