Thinking my bf could be autistic

[Doddlebug2000]

I may be way off the mark here and I am quite ignorant to autism spectrum disorder so jump in and correct me please.
I've got to know my bf for over a year now.

The issues that keep coming up for me are:

He never asks any questions, so eg yesterday we met for a walk and I ask did he have a good Xmas then? He answers and that's the end of the convo.
I've noticed this for a long time, he will answer the question and not use that as a bridge to then ask me something similar or ask the same back.

He is in a routine and he is adamant he has to sleep in his own bed. So he will make excuses and there was even one time he went quiet for hours because I said i wanted him to sleepover at the weekend. I believe this was because he was stressing that he wouldn't be in his own bed.

He also has an inner routine as there were occasions where I saw him on 2 consecutive Saturday nights.
The first one at 9.24pm he texted saying he was leaving to come over.
Then the next week at 9.24pm he texted the exact same message. I checked this as I had a chuckle to myself that I bet it was 9.24 last week too and it was and the same wording. Both times he was leaving between 9 and 10 to come and he would let me know when he was leaving.

He cleans up after himself immediately, so he has dinner then goes straight in to do dishes and tidy up. (not complaining here but seemed unusual!)

His texts are all of a similar nature and I can usually predict when he will text and what he will say.

In summer he was working away and we were fwb at this point. I casually said 'give me a shout the next time you are home then'
He took this literally as I didn't want to hear from him until the next time he was home. As in he made sure he didn't contact me until then. He explained this to me after.

I've mentioned a couple of things I'm worried about or that have been stressing me, he never once has asked how I am and how I'm coping with said things. Everyone else in my life would ask how such and such is etc

He will buy the top most expensive equipment for different activities even if its not something he regularly does eg hill walking, fishing but he is a bit fixated on buying all the right kit and having it all.

He said sometimes he will be ready to go out somewhere and then go and completely change what he is wearing because he doesn't feel good in it.

If I ever challenge him on anything (I mean an opinion on something) he goes into himself and feels attacked

He can be very quiet at times and very withdrawn at times.

He does not talk about his feeling at all and if he's pushed he becomes very uncomfortable.

He has funny accent type things and funny facial expressions that he does all the time and I think he will do them as a defense technique when he's feeling uncomfortable

He's never said anything like 'I'd like to take you here' 'I'd like for us to do X'

He said he spent years deciding whether or not to buy a winter jacket he was looking at.

All in all he's a kind person, he's definitely lacking the normal social skills that I'd expect of a 40 year old man. Some things are so odd to me I've never experienced anyone like this before and this morning I'm just wondering if it is in fact autistic characteristics and this would maybe help me understand what's going on here.

@midnightstar these are more his quirks and I know we all have them, the social skills are what was making me think ASD
I've just put everything down as a full picture
Each one individually won't mean much I dont think

Sounds rather like my ASD younger son. It is a spectrum that impacts into the triad of communication, imagination and emotional interactions. Each person on the spectrum may be affected in different ways in different areas. Ask my son [aspergers] to speak to anyone on the phone and he looks as if you have killed his puppy. He told me it is terryfying to do as he kjnow his communication is not great and he cannot begin to imagine how the other person is without seeing them. His prefered method of communication is via texts with clear meaning emojoi's or face to face for this reason.
Son when stressed or upset tries to communicate using echos and mimics of other people voices and facial expressions that he has understood as demonstratng the internal emotion he struggles to express and articulate. Be aware that when stressed or socially anxious many of the spectrum become very concrete and literal in how they understand and express language.

Tony Attwood [Clinical psychologist] has studied and written on relationships when one or both are somewhere in the spectrum. It MIGHT be helpful to follow the link to his website in Oz from his FB page and have a read of the free to access material there.

He sounds a bit like me 🙈. I don't think I'm on the spectrum but who knows eh? I'm poor at small talk and have to consciously remind myself to ask questions back as I'm aware of that. I like to have the best stuff for activities because, well, it's better. I like being on time

Sounds very like me also.

Dh accepts it and understands it’s just how I am. My brain doesn’t work like others, especially socially. Whether that’s my personality, how I grew up, or Asd i don’t know. My mum called me “anti-social” all through childhood. Still does tbh.

He’s 40. Even if he is on the spectrum there isn’t much that can be done.

You need to decide whether you can love him, and his quirks, or they are enough of a dealbreaker that you need to move on.

@Doddlebug2000

Oh *@bitheby* I'd never say to him!! This is my own personal education here not for me to go and demand he gets tested!! Im also a kind person and would never hurt his feelings like that

Don't worry. I meant to put a emoji after that as thing is, you never know. I know someone whose partner said that they might be autistic, which came out of the blue completely but they subsequently sought and received a diagnosis and are now going through the long, long process of analysis and acceptance.

I'm very loving and empathic by the way. Lots of autistic people are. The difference is that we find it hard to express empathy. That doesn't mean that we can't express it in our own way. Lots of the more recent research is showing that autistic people and neurotypical people communicate very differently and don't have trouble communicating within their categories. The challenges come when autistic and non-autistic people try to communicate with each other. Makes you think.

I'd hate to think that people would recommend that potential partners run from me.

Oh and it is me. That's my 'Christmas name'.

Some of the replies on here are quite unkind. I think one of my exes had high functioning autism; I didnt recognise it at the time - I put it down to him being eccentric, quirky, super intelligent (he was all of these) but with hindsight I'm pretty sure he had it. Since Ive worked with children and ive been teaching I find it quite easy to recognise. From your description it sounds likely he has autism to me. But as others have said - what really matters is whether you are happy with him - and it sounds like you are. Autism is not necessarily a negative thing, just different, and it helps if you have an awareness of it. As PPs have said people with ASC are often very literal and loyal, I know my ex was. Your boyfriend sounds quite sweet to me and you seem to like him so that's what matters.

XH was like this, I knew he had some of these traits when I married him. I completely underestimated the effect on my DC and wider family of a partner who could not fit in, was uncomfortable in social situations and sought to withdraw by being actively nasty. He never sought any kind of help, except to expect me to carry every emotional or social load.

There came a time when I desperately needed emotional support and he was unable to give it, instead producing competitive MH symptoms. This was the end of it for me.

@christmasbubble can I pick your brain for a minute then.

So my bf has never said he loves me but I pick up on his behaviour and the way he looks at me and I know there must be loving feelings in there. But he won't ever say.
Can you relate to this?

You may find it helpful to read the book “autism and Asperger syndrome in adults” by Dr Luke Beardon. Although it is quite male focussed (autistic females can present quite differently), I found it very helpful during my journey to diagnosis (I’m female). I think you would find it interesting and could learn a lot about your partner and how he thinks/experiences the world.

I would like to thank you for your kindness when talking about your partner and how keen you are to understand him. Excuse my language, but being autistic in this world is really fucking difficult and being shunned by most neurotypical people or having them assume things about who you are is extremely hurtful and just adds to the burden of existing in a world not designed for us. We spend every day masking things about ourselves, dealing with exhausting sensory stimuli and bending ourselves out of shape to fit in with others, yet most of the time we only receive judgement and negativity back. It’s wonderful that you are bending back to meet him in the middle.

As far as empathy and support goes, the empathy thing is mostly untrue. He may have difficulties in identifying his own feelings (alexithymia) and difficulty expressing empathy in ways neurotypicals can identify, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. If you want him to do certain things at certain times just tell him - he may find it difficult to read social signals but since he cares about you then if you say “it would make me feel very supported if you did xyz” then he will do it. He just doesn’t know he’s “supposed” to. Make it easy for him and take away the guesswork, life is stressful enough so just tell him straight what you want. He will most likely learn how to do it without your prompts over time.

If you have any questions about ASD/what it’s like to be in a relationship as an autistic person then I’d be happy to give some insight, though obviously I am not your partner so can only speak from my own experiences.

[quote Doddlebug2000]@christmasbubble can I pick your brain for a minute then.

So my bf has never said he loves me but I pick up on his behaviour and the way he looks at me and I know there must be loving feelings in there. But he won't ever say.
Can you relate to this?

[/quote]

Um for me, no, as I say I love you quite easily if I do love the person. But it's worth looking at love languages as everyone has different ways of expressing their love and feeling loved. So much of communication is non-verbal.

My most recent partner (not autistic as far as we know) would quite happily tell me he loved me until I explained that for me, that came with certain expectations of a long term commitment, which he wasn't prepared to offer. So he stopped saying it after that. Sometimes men are just men... although I'll probably get flamed for that.

@Doddlebug2000 he does sound autistic I'd say. My partner is aspergers and I think you need to think everyone is different and whether this type of personality suits you and your lifestyle regardless of the label you put on him. There are threads on here which show there is a huge downside to dating someone who is autistic. Personally it's early days for me but my partner is the most wonderful person in my eyes. I try and take each day as it comes, as does he.

He sounds a lot like me though I have trained myself to ask more questions about others etc! I don't have an ASD diagnosis but my DS does.

Thanks @Eesha I'm not looking to label him, more understand him better and not take his ways personally (which I have done in the past)

In no hurry to end this and it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

I'm a woman with a late diagnosis of autism. There are some traits in your BF's behaviour that I recognise.

My neuro-typical DH also has some of the traits you mention though - like the need to get the correct, expensive equipment for interests, or changing what he's wearing and the other thing about feeling attacked when challenged yet I don't feel attacked when challenged.

People with autism are not monsters. I certainly am not. I just have, what my DH has always called/calls, quirks. We can and do lead fulfilling lives. But there's often a cost to every day life participation in that some of us need things to run smoothly, we need routines and order otherwise life can become very overwhelming prompting anxiety, meltdown and/or shut down.

DH and I found this book useful reading:

eva-mendes.com/book/#:~:text=In%20%E2%80%9CMarriage%20and%20Lasting%20Relationships,neurodiverse%20couples%20in%20tricky%20relationships.

We also went to see a relationship counsellor who specialises in couples (one or both) who are autistic. My DH attends a group for partners of people with autism and I have my autistic women's group.

So, if you do decide to make this a permanent/long standing relationship, be aware that you may need an outlet for support.

The key thing is - if he is autistic, this is for life. He's not going to be able to change. This is who he is. And if you can accept that, then I wish you all the best.

.

Oops, link fail.

But you'll find it via a search ................

Eva Mendes, Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger Syndrome

Some of the replies on here are completely missing the point.
OP simply wants to understand their behaviours more. They are questioning whether they should 'run' or not like people are suggesting.
No, it doesn't matter if he is Autistic or not, again, not what OP is saying.
You're all basically saying that some Autistic people shouldn't be able to be in a relationship because they may struggle with things like other people's emotions ect?

OP - I think he does sound like he could be Autistic as there are a lot of traits there.
I think it's good that you're willing to read up on things and understand it all!

He sounds exactly like my XH who has admitted that he thinks he is probably autistic, but won’t get a diagnosis as he needs a valid medical certificate for work and is worried it might impact that. DS is the exact same.

I’ll be honest, labelling it himself gave XH a get-out-of-jail-free card. If ever he didn’t want to do something he’d say that he couldn’t because it made him feel uncomfortable due to his autism. This wore a bit thin in the end and I realised that label or not, I wasn’t getting what I needed from my marriage.

Even in the midst of divorce, when I pointed out that he’d talked about not wanting to be divorced and not wanting to be away from the kids, but hadn’t said anything about his relationship with me, he said “obviously I love you, that goes without saying” . Erm no, it doesn’t!

Being with someone who communicates differently is not a recipe for an easy life. XH got more stuck in his ways the older he got. These days we get on fine as co-parents but I’m always slightly baffled by him

I do believe that his perception of situations is unusual though and he definitely has a lack of empathy

I'm happy that you value and appreciate your partner, but good luck to you trying to have a healthy relationship with someone with a lack of empathy.

"We spend every day masking things about ourselves, dealing with exhausting sensory stimuli and bending ourselves out of shape to fit in with others, yet most of the time we only receive judgement and negativity back"

God this is relatable. Knowing that despite exhausting myself trying now to, the way I come across hurts others is horrible and it's definitely affected my marriage. I don't really know who I am any more

Describes my dh. I've always wondered too..

@2021isgoingtobeasshitas2020, how has your marriage been would you say? Have you managed to work round his quirks?