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Original poster

At what age should he grow out of having tantrums?

45 replies

Bisquiteen · 30/12/2020 21:45

If someone makes a mistake that could lead to a bad consequence for someone is it acceptable that they don't accept responsibility, blame someone else, hide their face in their hands so that you can't see them, refuse to make eye contact, hit themselves in the face repeatedly with a placemat, stamp their feet on the floor over and over and finally, put their hand onto a cooker ring rather than apologising? There are no additional needs present and this behaviour is normal for them but at what age would you expect them to grow out of it?

OP posts:
Lampan · 30/12/2020 21:48

10 or 11 maximum? Seriously. If you are talking about an adult it sounds like they need some sort of anger management training.

SouthDownsLass · 30/12/2020 21:50

Assuming that is an adult, they are ill.

Original poster
Bisquiteen · 30/12/2020 21:51

He is an adult :(

OP posts:
JamieLeesCurtains · 30/12/2020 21:52

That's not necessarily a tantrum. It's possibly what some professionals used to call 'acting out'; or it actually is (undiagnosed) additional needs.

Does 'the subject' clearly hurt himself? Is the cooker ring hot?

Are there recognisable, repeatable triggers?

FurrySlipperBoots · 30/12/2020 21:56

Well, clearly this behaviour isn't 'normal', and there are additional needs, whether diagnosed or not.

ShalomToYouJackie · 30/12/2020 21:57

put their hand onto a cooker ring rather than apologising
This is not normal

Original poster
Bisquiteen · 30/12/2020 21:58

The subject doesn't normally hurt himself, that's a new development and I think was more for show than actually an attempt at self-harming. He did make a lot of fuss about it and I offered to drive him to A&E just in case I was misjudging the situation but the damage was invisible to the naked eye when I asked if I could assess it and he's shown no ill effects since. I did make him run it under cold water but the skin is unbroken and there is no discolouration or swelling etc. I have burnt myself accidentally on the iron when I leapt at it to avoid a child who was about to grab it and I have scars from it and it hurt like hell and the skin blistered painfully so I think I know what a burn looks like normally.

The trigger is always the same, he makes a mistake and then gets immediately incandescent with rage at whoever is nearest at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bisquiteen · 30/12/2020 22:01

I have suggested that he visits his GP to discuss these episodes of rage but he is adamant that there is nothing wrong with him. I have wondered about some sort of dementia type illness but he is 'normal' (sorry can't think what other word to use and I don't intend offence to anyone) in between times. The rage just appears out of nowhere even when he is otherwise calm and the day has been uneventful. I am finding it very stressful to live with and want to get help for both him and myself if I'm honest.

OP posts:
amber763 · 30/12/2020 22:02

I agree with the pp that whether diagnosed or not there's obviously something wrong here. What does he say about it when he calms down?

Original poster
Bisquiteen · 30/12/2020 22:05

It can take him hours to calm down and he is usually very quiet and tired after one of these outbursts. It helps him if whoever he's accused takes the blame for his actions but, understandably, they don't always agree to do that. If he rages at me I have tried appeasing him by taking the blame but I am also wondering if that is the right thing now because he is clearly unable to take responsibility for his own actions or at least I think he is so am I enabling him?

OP posts:
C0NNIE · 30/12/2020 22:20

Does he behave like this with other people, such as colleagues at work or his friends?

If not, how does he cope when he makes a mistake there ?

What would happen if, for example, he was stopped by the police for speeding or given a parking ticket?

Original poster
Bisquiteen · 30/12/2020 22:33

Well, obviously I'm not there at work with him but he has fallen out with multiple work colleagues and moans about almost everyone in the workplace. I hadn't really thought about this until my mum pointed out that he was always giving himself a 'glowing report' at work and doing everyone else down but it is true. I have always gone along with it and sort of agreed that he was really good at his job but I don't actually know and he was once sacked and I never found out why so things don't always add up. According to him he never makes mistakes at work, the others are to blame but I'm not sure if he has tantrums (or whatever they are) in the workplace because it's not something he'd admit to me.

He's not had a speeding or parking ticket yet so I'm not sure how he'd react towards that but I suspect it wouldn't be calmly.

OP posts:
C0NNIE · 30/12/2020 23:01

So I think you can conclude that he doesn’t behave at this like work. Otherwise he would either get fired or sent for a mental health assessment.

What about socially ? Does he act like this when you are with friends / family ? What about with his friends or when he’s doing sports / hobbies?

This is very extreme behaviour - surely you would know if he’s doing this at his mums house or at the pub with friends ?

Otter71 · 30/12/2020 23:09

As an autistic person, but only recently diagnosed, I was probably 30 or so before I went from anger to depression. Not sure which is worse. Very plate diagnosis is quite common. It would also be typical of other mental health conditions. Encourage him to seek help and diagnosis...

C0NNIE · 30/12/2020 23:11

What happens if you walk away when he’s behaving like this ? So if he’s sitting at the kitchen table, stamping his feet repeatedly, hitting his face with a placemat and threatening to harm himself and you just walked out the room or left the house?

Sorry to ask so many questions but I’m trying to understand what’s going on.

HerMammy · 30/12/2020 23:13

What was the mistake that triggered this? If he doesn’t behave like this towards anyone else then he sounds manipulative and nasty, i’d this your partner Id leave.

Original poster
Bisquiteen · 30/12/2020 23:14

Yes, he can’t do anything as extreme as this at work I suppose or, as you say, they’d have done something, although I still don’t know why he got fired that one time. He’s quite a loner and spends most of his time on his phone/laptop. Not sure what he’s looking at because I get yelled at if I walk behind him so I might be able to see. I can’t see anyway because I’ve got eye problems but he is very suspicious when I’m behind him.

He sees friends that he’s known since school so he’s probably well behaved with them. Doesn’t do it at Mum’s or she’d have told me but he can get sulky there and ‘switch off’. He’s had shouting matches with Dad though.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 30/12/2020 23:15

Why are you putting up with this? he sounds dreadful.

Original poster
Bisquiteen · 30/12/2020 23:21

Not my partner but family member. My DH works away so I’m normally the one who has to cope with his outbursts. I’ve wondered about autism in the past but he won’t visit GP and I’ve got no qualifications so I’m only speculating wildly. I always hoped he grow out of it as he got older but it’s getting worse.

The mistake was food related and could have had consequences, not life threatening in the short term, but wouldn’t have been great for the person concerned due to their health issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bisquiteen · 30/12/2020 23:23

It’s always been understood that I’d look after him and I don’t want to go back on my word. He’s a family member.

OP posts:
DuesToTheDirt · 30/12/2020 23:26

Not normal behaviour at any age.

Closetbeanmuncher · 30/12/2020 23:26

This reply has been deleted

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MrsDeadlock · 30/12/2020 23:30

@Bisquiteen

It’s always been understood that I’d look after him and I don’t want to go back on my word. He’s a family member.
Why are you looking after him though? Who asked you to and why? Has it always been understood that generally there are unaddressed issues?
Original poster
Bisquiteen · 30/12/2020 23:31

I was trying not to give every detail but it’s my brother, not my partner and he’s always been different from other people. He’s never had a relationship and he comes here for meals because he’s got a hoarding problem and I think he can’t get into his kitchen. I’ve not been allowed to visit him for several years and neither have my parents. He keeps the curtains closed so we can’t see inside.

OP posts:
Regretsy · 30/12/2020 23:32

I know that autism can be over diagnosed on this site but this behaviour sounds a lot like a student I work with who has autism. I’m still learning about his needs but it seems that his meltdowns are linked to self esteem very closely so any time there is a perceived failure of himself he gets very emotional, hitting himself, become aggressive etc. The rest of the time he is such a lovely boy. Sounds similar to your situation. The challenge you may have is that if he doesn’t see that he might have it, getting a diagnosis might be difficult as he might also perceive this as a failure. Is there a way you could watch a documentary on autism together to bring it up gently, for example.

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