At what age should he grow out of having tantrums?

[Bisquiteen]

If someone makes a mistake that could lead to a bad consequence for someone is it acceptable that they don't accept responsibility, blame someone else, hide their face in their hands so that you can't see them, refuse to make eye contact, hit themselves in the face repeatedly with a placemat, stamp their feet on the floor over and over and finally, put their hand onto a cooker ring rather than apologising? There are no additional needs present and this behaviour is normal for them but at what age would you expect them to grow out of it?

My parents asked me to look after him and, yes, there have always been unaddressed issues but these rages seemed to stop in later childhood yet have started again now.

That sounds really hard OP

Are your parents still around and are you able to discuss your concerns with them as a family? I think he needs to see his GP, the hoarding is an important piece of the puzzle.

That sounds like my brother too. He can often be very kind but I’m struggling to cope with these outbursts of temper and aggression towards himself. Could be lockdown related as we’ve been in Tier 4 for a while which has meant some remote working for him.

OP it sounds as though he has undiagnosed mental health issues.
It is unlikely that you will be able to do much to change his behavior yourself.

He cleafly has mh issues. Eg the hoarding
Contact his gp to give your concerns
Contact ss adult services

You are not obliged to care for him
But can support him to get help

Thanks MrsDeadlock 😊 My dad won’t discuss him any longer after several fallings out and my mum is blind and can’t cope very well with things like this.

Will the GP talk to me though? I’m scared to do something that my brother will find out about. Maybe I’m being too defeatist though? I did try to get him some help a couple of years back but he point blank refused to talk to anyone and said he was fine. He’s really not though.

Reading your OP my first thought was "undiagnosed autism". That behaviour sounds so much like the autistic meltdowns I have seen in my family member it's uncanny.

None of this is normal, and just because he's your brother doesn't mean you have to deal with it. He sounds unhinged and dangerous. I would be running for the hills as fast as my feet could take me.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and for confirming that it’s not normal behaviour. I need to think what to do and I’m off to bed now for some much needed sleep 😴

His GP will not be able to talk to you (about anything confidential she knows about your brother) but she will be able to listen to you and asking for a phone consultation to discuss your brother and telling her about his behaviour may help. If he's been with the practice a while they have probably clocked that he's a bit odd.
Unfortunately psychological services are very stretched at the moment and he will have to want to engage with them. If he's always been odd it doesn't sound as though medication is the answer.
Seeing/ getting a video consultation with a psychiatrist to start getting a diagnosis may help, but again he'd have to want to do that.

Sounds like autism

You could call the police and ask for a welfare check when you know he is home. Explain that he needs care, but has been self harming in your presence when you're caring for him. Tell them that no one has been allowed to see inside his house for years and you're concerned about what is going on when he is at home, and how he is handling himself etc. Or if you dont want to ask the police to check up on him at home then call adult social services and just talk to them about it.

Adult social services. I did many an assessment in this kind of case. You provide care of sorts so you can call.

Mention the hoarding and self harm.

All the best

Thank you everyone for your advice. I’m going to speak to DH this evening and make a plan. It’s time I acted and I can see that now. Things have got out of hand and my brother isn’t coping and I can’t solve his problems 😕

I hadn't really thought about this until my mum pointed out that he was always giving himself a 'glowing report' at work and doing everyone else down but it is true

He does know how to behave then....

I suggest you contact social services to ask for some support. You shouldn't have to deal with this OP relative or not.

He needs an urgent social care assessment. Go on your council website and have a look at social care and have a chat. There’s some big stuff going on here.

Sounds like my ds who is autistic. He only feels comfortable having meltdowns at home, that's fairly typical of some autistic people. Always held it together at school, meltdown with all the stress and pressure once home.

Ds cant cope with getting things wrong, he will either smash something or hurt himself physically.

Sounds shame related- his ego can't bear to have done something wrong as this will reveal his deep defectiveness. It's a maladaptive coping stately/defence mechanism.

Prevalent in many mental health disorders including narcissistic personality disorder.

What, if any insight does he possess around the function and consequences of this behaviour?

Coping strategy that's meant to say.

Also it shows a skills deficit in interpersonal communication and emotional regulation.