Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's such a fucking cliche

41 replies

Annabellerina · 30/12/2020 20:41

Just found out today that XH has got a girlfriend with 2 kids. He goes out of his way to avoid our 2 kids, doesn't have regular contact out of choice. Our kids just spent 2 nights with him, turns out they all went to the girlfriend's. Her daughter and our daughter made friends. A neighbour asked which was their favourite bit of Christmas, they replied "daddy's".

It really fucking stings. I do all the hard graft, I don't have time to date, I get all the shitty behaviour but their favourite time is there and they've made new friends and are excited. I want to cry.

OP posts:
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 30/12/2020 20:59

At the moment he’s probably winging it being golden dad,luck not investment
He got lucky that the two girls got on. That’s down to you being a great mum who raised a sociable balanced girl able to fit in,get on in a situation
Also I imagine he’s laid on the charm and treats
Yes you’re doing all the heavily lifting and he’s seeming swanning about. When you’re kid new is novel,exciting and they dont talk about the stability,love and boundaries as they are used to it,they know they’re loved.

Pegsonstrings · 30/12/2020 21:04

Oh got to love the Disney dad lovely moments. Had this too, worked two jobs, paid for everything, did all the parenting and then the dad of the year gets to criticise my life. So glad those days are over, my kids are now adults and very well brought up and got their head screwed on. Dad of the year is now bringing up another lot with the wife and has young kids in his late 40s. While I can go on a run whenever I like, I habe a job i love and I am happy. So, hang in there. Yes it may seem like they have it all, but you will be rewarded many times over later on. I do appreciate its hard now though.

purpleme12 · 30/12/2020 21:06

I'm a single parent too
I think it's the fact that they don't see him as much though isn't it
We get the every day life with them and drudge with them and so it's like a new thing almost with their dad
I know it's hard but try not to take it to heart

Stonecrop · 30/12/2020 21:12

They take you for granted because they have total trust that you will always be there for them. Well done op you are their rock. When they are older they will come to their own conclusions about their dad and he won’t measure up to you one bit xx

funnylittlefloozie · 30/12/2020 21:14

My exH was a textbook Disney Dad, even before he became an ex. However, my DD sees right through his posturing and pretence now, and she knows who has been there for her through the tough times (that would be me and her step-dad). Kids are not daft, they do know.

Hesfamousforit · 30/12/2020 21:14

It does sting and that's the shitty bit but in time they will grow up with happy memories of that Christmas with their dad and if he is really half arsed with parenting then it's good they will have some happy memories to keep hold of.
You are a constant and they thriving because of you.

Rainbowqueeen · 30/12/2020 21:20

Your kids know who the stable parent they can rely on is. And their eyes will be opened to their dad as they get older and understand more.

Also if they are anything like my kids, they are probably well aware that if they don’t say his bit was their favourite, he will be angry and take it out on them but that you will rise above it and continue to be that strong stable parent.
He is a total cliche, you’re right. And you’re amazing.
And seeing how he is a cliche he will probably see them a bit more while he is with the new GF to impress her. Can you make a list of nice things you’d like to do for yourself so you can use that time without them. Make the most of it while it lasts

Original poster
Annabellerina · 30/12/2020 21:20

Thank you all I needed to hear those things.

Yes I am the boring every day drudge with boundaries, rules, bedtimes, sugar and screen limits, vegetables, homework and teeth brushing. He sees them for a few hours or a night every 6ish weeks. Yet they adore him.

I am of course happy that they were happy and especially that my daughter made friends with her daughter. And I will take the credit for bringing up a girl who can get on with anyone, anywhere.

OP posts:
readyforroundtwo · 30/12/2020 21:25

As a child who grew up in the same situation as your children are now, believe me it won't always be like this.
I used to go to my dad's on the weekends and it was great, hardly any rules, always fun and games and being taken wherever I wanted.
When I reached adulthood I very quickly realised that my dad was only there when things were fun and whenever he was actually required to be a dad, he didn't fancy it.
I grew up thinking my mum was the strict and boring one and we were never really close. Now I see my dad for who he really is and I've made that decision up for myself. In fact, we have a none existent relationship now and I've not seen him for almost two years. I have my own family now and I'm pregnant with DC2 and I don't have time for his nonsense and BS behaviour.
My mum and I are closer than ever and I respect and love her immensely. I imagine it's really hard for you, but as PP have said it won't always be like this.

Original poster
Annabellerina · 30/12/2020 21:32

Part of what is stinging is the fact that he gives me no time to move on myself. He has the kids every 6 weeks or so, always on his terms, always organised last minute. I always thought he was socially inept and that I'd move on quicker than him but I was wrong!

OP posts:
Allispretty · 30/12/2020 21:35

My ds is like this and to be honest he sees his dad even less probably every 2/3 months and only because he drops in at his parents and ds happens to be there...it's heartbreaking to watch as I had the exact same upbringing and put my dad on a pedestal.

It's all changed now I'm older I don't see my dad and I now know what he is...your dc will to in time Thanks

PetertheWalrus · 30/12/2020 21:40

Of course the best time of Xmas will be "Daddy's" in exactly the same way that the best time of the year is "holidays". It's different, it's out of the ordinary but (as many have found when they've moved to a holiday destination) when it's everyday - it ain't really all that special. Often it's pretty terrible. Don't take it to heart OP> You're doing great.

22WR · 30/12/2020 21:48

@funnylittlefloozie

My exH was a textbook Disney Dad, even before he became an ex. However, my DD sees right through his posturing and pretence now, and she knows who has been there for her through the tough times (that would be me and her step-dad). Kids are not daft, they do know.
Exactly this. My DD14 has reached this stage. Quite frankly she couldn't give 2 shits about her birth father after years of him doing the same. Kids aren't daft and they do eventually realise. In the meantime try and stay strong.
eightxmaspaws · 30/12/2020 21:54

In fairness it sounds like the best part was probably having new friends to play with. This year especially having been difficult to do play dates with other children.
Hopefully the feckless arse will start taking them more often

Redruby2020 · 30/12/2020 21:54

Great 😉 if ex is so wonderful and their set up is so great, he'll be having the DC over more, which means more time for you to 'date' and do the things you want to, have a well deserved rest.x

NovemberR · 30/12/2020 22:03

They will grow up to see through it. Mine lost quite a lot of interest in their father by their mid teens because they didn't see why they should put themselves out for him when it wasn't reciprocated.

Now in their 20s two of them have minimal contact (maybe drop in for an hour on Boxing Day) and one is completely NC because they can see he's an arsehole and they don't want anything to do with him.

Original poster
Annabellerina · 30/12/2020 22:23

I hope he does take them more often if that is part of the cliche - it's been 3.5 years of an occasional few hours, on his terms. Now I find out he's been raising someone else's children!

OP posts:
PornStarQuarantini · 31/12/2020 08:20

Tell him that from the new year he has to have them every other weekend (& a night a week?) OP. It'll give you a break, the kids a taste of who he really is, and scupper him having his cake by spending all his free time with another woman who runs around after him.

Does he pay you maintenance for your increased care? If not then he must if he doesn't take on this new arrangement. Take back control.

lanbro · 31/12/2020 08:31

My 7yo told me she likes being at daddy's because he lets her do what she wants, they have late nights and he buys McDonald's....I don't take it to heart, she'll realise when she's older!

Original poster
Annabellerina · 31/12/2020 09:26

Yes I've spent the last 3 years asking/telling/pleading/screaming at him to take the kids every other weekend. The more I ask the quicker he disappears. I'm blocked on every form of communication. Trust me when I say I've done what I can!
And yes he pays maintenance, I had to go through CMS and it's not very much because he doesn't earn very much but it's the legal minimum.
The man is a joke.

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 31/12/2020 09:30

Your DC went to stay with him when there was someone else to do the parenting for him.

Cam2020 · 31/12/2020 09:32

Aw, that's really painful, OP....but, they're caught up in the moment. They met new children and did something novel. It's not a reflection on you at all, or their dad either for that matter. If they're sick or hurt, it's you they want. I know that sounds like the crappy end of the stick, but it's the real one. Children are easily seduced by novelty, you provide them with love and comfort (and I'm sure lots of fun too) and they know and depend on that really. They also don't stay children forever and will see daddy darling for what he is soon enough. Flowers

RantyAnty · 31/12/2020 09:35

You didn't say how old they are but it has nothing to do with you. It's just the novelty of going someplace new and having new children to play with.

Anyoldname12 · 31/12/2020 09:40

I've spent the last 3 years asking/telling/pleading/screaming at him to take the kids every other weekend. The more I ask the quicker he disappears.
Can you not go through the courts so he has set days every week / weekend so you can have some time to yourself?

Original poster
Annabellerina · 31/12/2020 09:49

That's not how the courts work ‐ they can't force a disappearing parent to spend time with their kids! Court orders are for when parents want to see their kids and can't sort contact out between themselves. If only I were in that situation!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread