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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel ugly compared to DH ex

36 replies

unsuree · 30/12/2020 01:13

Well I guess I need a hand hold, I just feel very down today. We saw DH ex in the supermarket and she is so beautiful, like a model tall and slim with long brown hair. I saw her whilst we were paying for our shopping. it was the first time I've seen her. Her and DH dated about 10 years ago and have not been in contact since. DH didn't seem bothered when we saw her and carried on with the shopping.

I've just been thinking since that he must have downgraded when he married me. I'm not very pretty, my teeth are crooked, Ive been feeling abit down ever since I saw her. I even feel embarrassed writing this. I had a baby 8 months ago and my confidence is all over the place.

OP posts:
AmywithanL · 30/12/2020 01:40

You dont know what she looked like 10 years ago.
Shes an ex for a reason. Besides you can be the most beautiful looking person in the world but that means diddly squat if you havent anything to go with it. Your his wife, and he didnt seem bothered by her. Dont even bring it up to him about how she looked. Just forget about her, like your hubby has probably done.

AmywithanL · 30/12/2020 01:42
Flowers
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 30/12/2020 01:49

Oh you poor thing. I know exactly how you feel. When I first saw DP’s ex I said to him “she’s stunning! What the hell are you doing with me?!”

As a person, she’s not all that. Her DCs never stay with her, she’s entitled and self centred and drinks too much/smokes weed. Now I know her I can’t imagine why they were ever together, as she’s everything he says he hates! Except for being slim and blonde with big boobs. I’m physically the exact opposite, but I’m bloody lovely, as I’m sure you are unsuree - please don’t compare yourself unfavourably with someone else - your H has chosen you as his wife and mother of his DCs for good reason.

Does he generally make you feel loved and secure/attractive etc? Has your confidence been knocked by birth or have you always lacked self esteem? This has been a funny old year all round and I dread to think how having a baby this year has been for you. I hope you’re able to get your confidence back. Flowers

WouldstrokeTomHardy · 30/12/2020 01:52

Fuck it. He's with YOU

krustykittens · 30/12/2020 02:01

He is with you. He loves you. If he wanted to be with her, he would. Don't be so hard on yourself. Flowers

Original poster
unsuree · 30/12/2020 02:04

He is always compliments me and calls me beautiful.Today he randomly goes to me you're so beautiful this was before we even went to the supermarket. I'm not sure why I'm feeling like this. I think it's just the fact that being at home etc I don't get a chance to dress up as I've got nowhere to go so I feel like rubbish.

OP posts:
Butterfly3105 · 30/12/2020 02:54

@unsuree

Why don't you take a self care day and spoil yourself, have a nice bath, glass of wine, body scrub, wax, do your make up, blow dry your hair, dress up a little (obviously with lockdown you won't be dressing up up) make an effort basically, you'll go back to feeling like your old self!

Miffyliffy · 30/12/2020 05:59

Honestly when a man wants you he will do anything to show you that. You're married- doesn't that tell you something?

If you weren't everything he wanted he wouldn't have committed to you.

I was once in a relationship with a man for 3 years, I was in my prime, very skinny, long hair, straight teeth (don't want to be a ticket booth but I got alot of compliments etc) and my partner (at the time) was punching above his weight for sure. My partner decided to do a bar tending course, at this course he met a girl who I would say was the opposite of me looks wise....he end up leaving me for this girl and moves interstate with her and gets engaged within 3 months of meeting her..... At the time I thought how much he down graded as you say but I obviously wasn't what he wanted.

Looks aren't everything.

I think your husband's reaction shows you all you need to know. You're still what he wants.

KarmaNoMore · 30/12/2020 06:09

Erm... I guess there should be some good reasons why he decided to marry you and not her. Looks are not everything.

KatnissNeverseen · 30/12/2020 07:43

@unsuree
Some people who are very attractive can not always have a very nice personality and I picked my other half because of that and not by the way he looked.

Sillysandy · 30/12/2020 08:26

Op looks are not everything as pp have said but looks are also subjective. Maybe you saw her as tall, slim and beautiful and he saw something else.

I remember an ex of mine being practicay obsessed with me physically (it didn't last as I found it suffocating) and convinced everyone else must feel the same. He confided in me one time he didn't understand his best friend's choice of girlfriend and thought he was settling - very flat chested and plain, not to mention boring. I thought it was a mean thing to say. His smugness about his 'superior' girlfriend was wildly unattractive.

Well imagine my surprise when this yes skinny (I'm definitely not) blonde stunner appeared into the apartment. He saw flatchested, I saw an enviable figure in teeny tiny hotpants. His friend was mad about her and definitely not settling.

You said your husband wasn't bothered by seeing her. Focus on that. Whatever he may have once felt for her is firmly in the past.

He sounds lovely by the way and if he is telling you are beautiful then you are to him (and probably everyone else too). I know it's hard when you're not feeling it. Can you get some time to yourself to do some nice things like walking or yoga or even paint your nails?

SVRT19674 · 30/12/2020 08:27

Babe, Prince Charles preferred Camilla over Diana, and Diana was beautiful, it isn´t about looks. You said it. He didn´t seem at all bothered, it seems her beauty lost its shine for him years ago. He is with you and started a family with you. You have just had a baby, are still adjusting to the new situation, for me it was 2 years before I felt myself. Be patient, slowly put yourself together, do little somethings for YOU every day and you will get your confidence back. And also, perhaps to your husband you are the beautiful one.

PearlescentIridescent · 30/12/2020 08:47

I agree that looks are genuinely subjective too. I met dp when I was 19 and I had some very black and white views about beauty standards. I've always been proud of my top half (hourglass) but incredibly self conscious about my very thick thighs. I grew up in the emo/scene fashion as a teenager and there was a big emphasis (as there so often is!) Around being stick thin and especially having stick thin legs that wouldn't touch even if your feet were together! So when dp said he loved thick thighs and a curvy bum I was genuinely surprised. Not all men like tall women, not all men like very slim women. Though we as women are often told this is the ideal!

If you are tall and slim that wasn't a dig of course. I'm just pointing out to you OP that men aren't just placating you or sparing your feelings when they a different shape or look to what you think is more attractive than yourself is their ideal :)

PearlescentIridescent · 30/12/2020 08:47

When they say*

Veronika13 · 30/12/2020 09:03

I’m sure he loves you over her that’s what matters.

As a side note you say: you’ve had nowhere to dress up so you feel like rubbish.
You can still make an effort and feel good:) concealer/blush/hair brush take two mins and make me feel so much better about myself.

If I’ve nowhere to go well I’ll just make a small effort to go to supermarket/walk the dog. It makes wonders to how you feel about yourself.
We might be in lockdown for a loooong time.

AgentJohnson · 30/12/2020 09:06

It’s not about his Ex, you’re using her looks to beat yourself up.

Accept or work on your insecurities, don’t feed them.

ravenmum · 30/12/2020 09:22

My exh is more conventionally attractive than my bf - the bf has crummy teeth, is a good bit shorter and wider, less hair. Exh is very tall, lovely smile, bright blue eyes, full head of hair, has lost a load of weight and smartened himself up. Leaves me totally cold. We broke up for a reason.

This is definitely about you feeling rubbish, not about his ex. Go out in the fresh air, get exercise, look at the plants/countryside/sky, read a good book, have a bath, watch a funny film, eat some tasty food, listen to your favourite music and have a bit of a dance in the kitchen.

MyOwnSummer · 30/12/2020 09:48

It took me almost two years after having my little one to feel like myself again. Don't beat yourself up, it's normal to feel totally sideways for a long time afterwards.

One of DPs exes is years younger, very busty, etc. Also the female equivalent of a cocklodger who took him to the cleaners, he was literally £30k poorer after a 15 month relationship.

Looks aren't everything!

Mintjulia · 30/12/2020 09:49

Beautiful on the inside? Or just the outside?

jemimathecat · 30/12/2020 10:08

My exh had model looks and everyone said he was the most beautiful chap they had seen.
He as about as interesting as a fake pot plant.

jemimathecat · 30/12/2020 10:08

*was

Original poster
unsuree · 30/12/2020 10:11

Thanks for all your messages, I know my husband loves me alot he is an amazing father aswell. I guess I need to have a self-care day, do a face mask and watch a movie. I'm feeling alot better now. Thank you Mumsnet xxx

OP posts:
DoctorManhattan · 30/12/2020 10:18

There’s a famous meme that used to do the rounds showing an extremely attractive young model smiling into the camera and a tag line below, saying . . . . . “someone somewhere is sick of her $hit”. This thread made me think of it!

First off, you are probably being very sore on yourself about your own looks, particularly if you have a partner who randomly compliments you on being beautiful. Looks can be a very subjective thing too; even at the height of her fame I never quite got the hype about Kate Moss for example, whilst one of my friends thought she was just amazing.

Secondly, it’s not all about looks anyway - they will fade as we all get older, but the other facets of the relationship will endure if there is a strong bond there. No matter how attractive she is, his relationship with her didn’t last - so there was obviously some incompatibility or issue there that you two don’t have. And for all you know, she could have saw you two also and left the supermarket feeling just the same.

Put it to the back of your mind and enjoy what you both have.

zzizz · 30/12/2020 11:19

There's no need to think that she must be deficient in some way or put other women down. Maybe she's beautiful, lovely, intelligent and deeply kind. But it doesn't matter, she's not the right match for your partner, or perhaps he wasn't the right match for her. You two are together, that's the main thing Flowers

gannett · 30/12/2020 13:30

I think it's just the fact that being at home etc I don't get a chance to dress up as I've got nowhere to go so I feel like rubbish.

Strongly recommend a date night at home where you and your DH make something nice or get a fancy delivery, maybe light some candles for the table, and where you both go to town and DRESS UP just for the hell of it.

Might feel a bit silly dressing up for a night in but that adds to the charm in the end. It'll make you both feel a lot better!