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Original poster

Is it really a terrible idea to ask ex dp if he wants to try again?

30 replies

BoobyBaggins · 29/12/2020 18:46

My apologies for sounding like a schoolgirl, but he ended things a month ago, mostly due to circumstance (covid related so those won't last forever). Claimed to still love me and I love him. I've not contacted him since except to say merry christmas. Have had a few short messages from him saying he's thinking of me but I haven't replied.

I'm 36 and haven't had many relationships but this wasn't my first, nor my longest. These feelings of heartbreak are new territory for me though, as is wanting to rekindle things full stop.

I want to speak to him directly now that I'm in a better place emotionally. I want to let him know I still love him and state my case, and see what he says now that we've had some time away from each other.

One friend said if I go from not having really spoken to him for a month, to diving in the deep end, it will scare him off. She said I need to start being friendly with him first and then ramp up to flirting. That's so unlike me, and we were so close before and talked to each other easily. I loved him as a friend as well as a romantic partner, but I don't think I could fake being his friend with the aim of it turning into more. The whole idea of it feels manufactured and wrong. But she's been OLD for some time and has had a lot more relationships than I have and seems an expert on men (and talks about "chasing"), so I am doubting myself and worried if I do something wrong I'll ruin any chance I may have. Yes, I have massively over analysed all of this. I have been doing other things with my time too and my life is continuing mostly as normal, except I've been going for runs more frequently to help with my mood.

Is it really better to try and become normal friends first than to just have an honest conversation? Or do I need to forget the whole thing and just accept that it's over? Her other suggestion was that I sign up to OLD but I've never actively sought a relationship before and definitely don't feel ready to right now, not with another man anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoobyBaggins · 29/12/2020 18:50

Reading that back, I know how I sound. If anyone reads this and thinks "get a grip" I completely understand, but I'd appreciate some advice all the same.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 29/12/2020 18:52

If he ended it...I wouldn't ask if he wants to try again. Covid isn't going anywhere, so what would be different? Restrictions are tighter.

Ridingthegravytrain · 29/12/2020 18:53

I can’t see why he would need to break up with you due to coronavirus restrictions. It’s not like he can do anything else so that kind of doesn’t make sense. Which to me sounds like a bit of an excuse and he just wanted to end things.

But that is purely speculation as you didn’t post much about your relationship to go on

TramaDollface · 29/12/2020 18:54

He’s ended it.
That’s all you need to know.
If men want to do anything they tend to do it be it getting married, having kids or buying a new car.

And don’t sit around trying to flirt with him. Your friend is wro. You don’t do a pick me dance when you’ve been chucked

TramaDollface · 29/12/2020 18:55

And you have my total sympathies here
My friend is in such a similar situation and it’s tearing her apart Flowers

category12 · 29/12/2020 18:59

No, don't try to be "friends" in order to try and get him back. That's creepy and it'll drag it out with hope and "should I ask him nows, how about now, how about now" anxieties.

If you want him back, tell him so.

If he knocks you back, then take some time to grieve the relationship and let it go.

Original poster
BoobyBaggins · 29/12/2020 19:13

More context. We live in different countries, over 3 years together but had been unable to meet up during this year. When things relax we would be able to visit each other again, and live together in the not too distant future if things worked out. He was made redundant two months ago and had been a bit withdrawn since then. He's also had issues with his parents that were placing extra strain on him. During the break up he said to me he didn't believe we would ever live together - yet we had been discussing this and it was very out of character the way he said it which is why I put it down to his low mood and the current circumstances.

We used to visit each other as much as we could, spent holidays together, talked about our plans for living together in the future, spoke every day and had a very good relationship overall.

I can see the consensus is that I need to pull myself together and get over it. And I know I'll be fine eventually. I'm glad I didn't listen to my friends flirting advice anyway so thank you for that. I wouldn't know how to flirt if I wanted to to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoobyBaggins · 29/12/2020 19:15

@TramaDollface

And you have my total sympathies here My friend is in such a similar situation and it’s tearing her apart Flowers
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I've learned to be more empathetic about this kind of thing at least. Never got it before.
OP posts:
Original poster
BoobyBaggins · 29/12/2020 19:26

@category12

No, don't try to be "friends" in order to try and get him back. That's creepy and it'll drag it out with hope and "should I ask him nows, how about now, how about now" anxieties.

If you want him back, tell him so.

If he knocks you back, then take some time to grieve the relationship and let it go.

Thank you. I am fully prepared for a no if I do speak to him. It will hurt but then I can really draw a line under things and get on with life. I feel like Miss Havisham, but without the wedding dress. I thought we were going to get married. I am sure it won't feel like this forever. People get dumped by people they love all the time and they get over it.
OP posts:
Onadifferentuniverse · 29/12/2020 19:31

I think this is a really bad idea to be honest. You need to get over him and find someone who wants to be with you.

He ended the relationship and really should be the one to make the first move to restore it.

This should be a sign to you that you need to work on yourself.

Original poster
BoobyBaggins · 29/12/2020 19:40

How can I work on myself? I go running and I've been trying to make sure I'm not letting things slide (general life things) while I'm upset. I've never needed a relationship and can be very happily single and am sure I will be again, I just miss him a lot and this really shocked me. Do I need to see a therapist or something? Maybe to still be wanting him back a month later is too long. I am not sure what normal is in this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoobyBaggins · 29/12/2020 19:41

I am definitely not going to be finding someone who wants to be with me. I'd rather be alone for a while at least.

OP posts:
Lemonpiano · 29/12/2020 19:45

Time. You need to give yourself time.

You don't need a therapist because a month after an unexpected loss you're still grieving.

Onadifferentuniverse · 29/12/2020 19:50

I don’t mean work on yourself physically, but emotionally.

He has ended your relationship and you’ve found yourself wanting to give him the offer of trying again.

When in reality he didn’t appreciate you and you should be working at accepting this and knowing your worth.

I hope you find your happiness!

Suzi888 · 29/12/2020 20:26

Tell him, what have you got to lose.

AllDoneIn · 29/12/2020 20:48

Ask if you can talk. He reached out and you ignored him but you're ready to talk. You have nothing to lose.

Dontletitbeyou · 30/12/2020 05:08

You don’t need to see a therapist .
You were in a relationship, he ended it . It’s normal you will feel down for a little bit , you don’t need to be ‘fixed’, you just need to give yourself a bit of time and TLC. You’ll be fine .

RantyAnty · 30/12/2020 05:52

Realistically, you live in different countries. How many times in total did you visit each other?

palmstar · 30/12/2020 06:22

Tell him how you feel. Ask if he feels like you could reconnect. You've nothing to lose.

MountainPeakGeek · 30/12/2020 06:34

I'm actually with those who are saying "what have you got to lose?" As long as you're sure that you can handle him rejecting your attempt to get back together...? I don't think you need to build up to saying how you still feel about him when you have such a long history. Your friend's perspective is more valid if you hadn't had time to really get to know him before covid kept you apart.

gannett · 30/12/2020 07:43

Your friend's advice is very bad. It might be more relevant for getting to know a bloke for the first time via OLD but there should be no need for that silly game-playing between two people who've had the intimacy of an actual relationship.

I'd go for it, on a nothing-to-lose basis, because it sounds like the split was due to circumstance rather than changed feeling. If you do go for it, it'll probably be important to spell out how you're going to navigate the covid circumstances - whether your love is strong enough that you're happy to wait and have a LDR for a while, for example. From the sounds of it you both still have feelings for each other.

And if he still doesn't want to give it another go... that'll suck but as you say you can draw a line under it knowing you tried.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 30/12/2020 08:13

He is messaging you.

What’s your feeling? Is he trying to salve his guilt be ‘being nice’ and sending bland messages, or is he testing the water?

By replying would you be accepting your status in Friend Zone, or cautiously responding to his offer to start anew?

Sittinginmyoodie · 30/12/2020 08:19

There is nothing to be lost by asking.

You just have to be prepared for him to say no. But really that's no worse than where you are now, is it?

Dozer · 30/12/2020 08:21

Agree with PPs to ignore friend’s advice.

If you do ask him to get back together (not usually sensible when you’re the one who was dumped) better to do so straight out.

Should you get back together, or semi back together since you’re at a distance, the issues with covid restrictions will likely continue for many more months yet.

Should things ‘work out’, which country would you live in, medium term? If you’d be moving to his country, and wouldn’t otherwise choose to live there, that’s a huge deal and you’d need to have high confidence in the relationship. Depending on your future plans/wishes, and whether you want DC, it probably makes more sense to walk away and look to date others.

HelloDulling · 30/12/2020 08:26

Your friend’s advice is a a load of rubbish. And if she were do skilled in the art of dating, she’d be in a relationship, not constantly using OLD sites.

Anyway, talk to him. He’s been messaging you. Tell him you miss him. See what he says.

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