Is it really a terrible idea to ask ex dp if he wants to try again?

[BoobyBaggins]

My apologies for sounding like a schoolgirl, but he ended things a month ago, mostly due to circumstance (covid related so those won't last forever). Claimed to still love me and I love him. I've not contacted him since except to say merry christmas. Have had a few short messages from him saying he's thinking of me but I haven't replied.

I'm 36 and haven't had many relationships but this wasn't my first, nor my longest. These feelings of heartbreak are new territory for me though, as is wanting to rekindle things full stop.

I want to speak to him directly now that I'm in a better place emotionally. I want to let him know I still love him and state my case, and see what he says now that we've had some time away from each other.

One friend said if I go from not having really spoken to him for a month, to diving in the deep end, it will scare him off. She said I need to start being friendly with him first and then ramp up to flirting. That's so unlike me, and we were so close before and talked to each other easily. I loved him as a friend as well as a romantic partner, but I don't think I could fake being his friend with the aim of it turning into more. The whole idea of it feels manufactured and wrong. But she's been OLD for some time and has had a lot more relationships than I have and seems an expert on men (and talks about "chasing"), so I am doubting myself and worried if I do something wrong I'll ruin any chance I may have. Yes, I have massively over analysed all of this. I have been doing other things with my time too and my life is continuing mostly as normal, except I've been going for runs more frequently to help with my mood.

Is it really better to try and become normal friends first than to just have an honest conversation? Or do I need to forget the whole thing and just accept that it's over? Her other suggestion was that I sign up to OLD but I've never actively sought a relationship before and definitely don't feel ready to right now, not with another man anyway.

I don't agree with your friend. It's not your job to try and persuade him to get back with you. How hurtful will it be if he engages in the flirting and friendship, you build up to asking him and then at the end of all that, it's a 'no'?

That said if he hasn't made a clean break and has expressed that he still cares, I don't think you're doing anything wrong in asking him outright whether he would like to try again.

You need to be sure your emotional resilience is strong enough of he says 'no' to see it as a request for clarity and a confirmation of what he has already said, not a second rejection. You should also be prepared for the possibility that it might fizzle or end again if you're in different countries and can't visit.

Thanks everyone. I don't think I was in a good place yesterday but feeling much better today. I am embarrassed I even mentioned my friends advice, let alone considered it. I'm grateful this is an anonymous platform. I kind of knew it wouldn't go down well on MN.

What’s your feeling? Is he trying to salve his guilt be ‘being nice’ and sending bland messages, or is he testing the water?

As well as the messages I mentioned in my op, he sent one saying I look great in a pic I'd been tagged in, and has said a couple of other things I don't feel are totally appropriate to send to the person whose heart you've just broken (a bit familiar/ sentimental). I don't think he would purposely toy with my emotions. It was a difficult situation for us both. If I have a conversation with him and that's definitely it, I will tell him that he has to stop the messages.

I thought I was ready to be potentially knocked back, but I will think about things more and whether I even want to go through it all again. I was very happy with him and thought we were both prepared to make sacrifices. It was such a shock.

I am slightly confused after reading some of the replies. As I said, I'm not overly experienced in the world of dating etc, I'm comfortable being alone. My longest relationship was with an abusive man, my childhood home was also abusive. I had counselling, worked on my self esteem, understanding of my own boundaries and learned all about red flags and abuse etc. I think I am good on that now. Abuse isn't a factor in my current situation, I'm just giving some background.

My confusion is that people get married and assume they will be together always, but anyone can end a relationship at any time, for any reason. The replies about grieving and moving on, I get that, but when you can really relax? How do you stop loving someone and reset yourself to love again and then possibly go through the same process again? Or maybe that's just life and people live with the uncertainty?

In case it comes across the wrong way - I am not angry/negative towards ex dp in the slightest. He has always treated me with kindness and I don't think he did anything wrong by ending our relationship. I'd hate for someone to stay with me if they didn't want to. I've also read about codependency and it doesn't fit for me, I'm not codependent, but I am unsure about how you navigate between trusting another person while knowing that life and people are unpredictable and when you can let your guard down, if you can.

I wonder whether it would be an idea to send one message.

Basically saying what you said here: that the break up has broken your heart and you are unable to engage in ‘friendly messaging’ unless his intention is to revisit the relationship, so could he let you know, with honestly, if the messages he has sent and his attention on SM is casual, or if he wants a serious conversation. Let him know you will not think worse if him if his intention is not to continue, but that if it is over with a capital O you will need not to have his messages dangled in front of you.

Thank you, that's not a bad idea at all Raining. I am going to take a few more days to myself first but I like your idea on how to approach it.

“How do you stop loving someone and reset yourself to love again and then possibly go through the same process again? Or maybe that's just life and people live with the uncertainty?”

People live with the uncertainty. It is the only way to fully live. Otherwise your fear of being hurt will cause you to miss out on some wonderful experiences. As the saying goes - better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. And that’s true.