I've made such a mess of things and I don't know what to do.

[CiderWithRosiee]

NC but been here for years - naice ham, Pom Bears, cancel the cheque, etc, etc. I'll try to keep this brief. Please be kind, I am aware I have fucked up massively and I'm not proud of myself.

I've been with DP for nearly two years. We got together almost instantly after my marriage ended (exH was abusive and my decision making was possibly not at its best) and he moved in last year. He's a lovely guy, and he adores me, but he has flaws. He has some pretty severe mental health problems, which he won't accept or seek help for. He has an addiction, which he also doesn't see a problem with, and he games a lot too. He doesn't do much else. He can be affectionate when he wants to be, but he doesn't really like me being affectionate or trying to be intimate unless he says so. There's a pretty big mismatch between our sex drives (mine is much much higher) which leads to a lot of frustration on my part. But when we do have sex it's amazing, and he's so sweet and loving, and I do love him very much. He's just very closed off most of the time.

The last few months have been very difficult. My mental health has been at an all time low after a severe trauma last year and I've been feeling ignored and neglected. I ended up downloading a dating app and chatting to a couple of men on there. I just wanted to feel attractive and wanted, which I know is no excuse, but I wasn't looking for an affair or anything. I ended up really hitting it off with one of them though, and I would definitely be in with a chance with him, but I don't know what to do. DP has told me so often that he can't live without me, and he has been suicidal many times before. I think if I tell him it's over he will do something stupid, and I really don't want him to hurt himself. I also realise that jumping straight into something else isn't the best idea, but it's more the fact that talking to this guy has made me realise that I could have more, if that makes sense?

What do I do MN? I'm sure you'll all tell me that the answer is obvious but I really don't want to hurt DP. I could probably just carry on as I have been, but I won't be truly happy. But is my happiness more important than his? It's all a mess. Please help me.

Honestly I would leave your current partner and be on you own for a while.

@grecianurn82 thank you, I have been thinking the same thing. But I really don't want to hurt DP, he's not perfect but he has been there for me through some very dark times recently so I keep thinking that maybe I should just suck it up and do the same for him?

You can't make youself responsible for him though, you deserve to be happy too and this relationship isn't making you happy. I did exactly the same as you, went straight from a very abusive marraige straight into a relationship with a guy with mh and addiction issues. Trying to fix him almost destroyed me. 3 years after leaving him I'm so much happier.

Agree with PP

Don’t let the fear of your DP hurting himself put you off. He had these issues before you met and from the sounds of it was doing nothing to resolve them.

The number of men who threaten suicide but never follow through is huge. It’s a firm of abuse, a way of controlling you.
The relationship is clearly dead in the water so end it. And then spend some time working on yourself. Do the freedom programme. Work out your standards in a relationship and never lower them again. Just forming a relationship with any guy who happens to be available and interested means you are not available when the good guy comes along.

Honestly he sounds like a total wanker. There might be a few sparks of lovely/sweet in there somewhere (which come out when he wants sex?), but the majority seems to be HUGE flaws. Just because he's not a Grade A wanker like your ex, doesn't mean you should have settled for a Grade B wanker. You jumped from the frying pan straight into the fire.

You hurt him short term (and to be honest it doesn't sound like he adores you at all) or you hurt yourself long term.

Extract yourself from this farcical pretence of an equal loving relationship and do the freedom programme to avoid jumping into another dysfunctional relationship. Do not jump straight to online guy!

Break up with your bf, shag everyone on the dating apps and spend some time on your own before you get into another relationship. Live your life! Don't let him manipulate you into staying into an unhappy relationship with threats of self harm.

He actually sounds like s selfish, lazy, awkward/on his terms all the time, manchild.

And manipulation/an emotional blackmailer.

Your happiness is more important because it is what you can control. Your DP is the one in control of his own happiness and it sounds like he does fuck all about it.

Your man sounds like a wanker tbh, I'm not suprised you're looking elsewhere

What PP said

“You hurt him short term (and to be honest it doesn't sound like he adores you at all) or you hurt yourself long term.

Extract yourself from this farcical pretence of an equal loving relationship and do the freedom programme to avoid jumping into another dysfunctional relationship. Do not jump straight to online guy!”

This with bells on. Women are not rehab centres for broken men. And you have no idea what someone who you’ve chatted to you online can really offer you in real life but what’s really obvious is that you need to spend some time single, not hopping from one unsatisfactory relationship to another.

Agree with other posters. Your partner is a big boy resp for his own mental health. Split and be on your own for a while. Plz don't jump into another relationship.

Honestly you've jumped from an abusive relationship to another, although in a different way. You are not responsible for another person's mental health and a relationship isn't a sticking plaster for what ails him. Your boundaries in relationships are way off and you're tolerating lots of behaviours that are far from healthy.

You need to break it off with your current partner, and do some work on yourself with the help of the Freedom Programme and/or a counsellor with experience working with abuse survivors. You need to build up a really good shark cage ( see here www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/) before you start dating again.

Total waster who is manipulative.

Get rid of him and slow down.

Give yourself space.

How will you learn from the past few years if you jump into another relationship, especially as your MH isn't great.

I hope you don't have children in the midst of all this drama.

Leave the current partner, he doesn't sound very good or someone to make a future with. Date the people on the app, have a good time, find your sexy self again. You deserve more than the relationship you have described. He'll be fine after a time.

It sounds like you have had a v tough few years and need some peace.

Current DP sounds like a troubled soul dash tosspot who won’t sort out his shit while you are around to babysit. You aren’t responsible for him and you can’t spend the rest of your life with someone who is manipulatively threatening to kill himself if you dare leave.

But you know all this. It does occur to me (and forgive me if I’m wrong but trying to figure this out) that you might be creating a lot of drama in your love life to avoid being with yourself and sorting your life out for you??

Anyway - you know what you need to do. Leave the current DP w minimum drama (so sort out all the logistics before you tell him to shift), do not start something with this new guy. Sort out a bit of counselling maybe, or just give yourself some space. Lay of sex and romance for a year. Figure out what you need. Good luck!

You jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. So whatever you do, get off the dating apps so you don't go from this bloke straight to another loser.
As PP said ,the suicide threats are a very common abusive tactic.
You are very unhappy and you know you want out of this relationship, so do it.
I would really recommend not getting involved with anyone else immediately. Have a break, recover, think about what you want and deserve.

Dies he work op or are you supporting you both?

I agree with other posters he sounds like a cocklodger

You are not responsible for his happiness and it should never be at the expense of your happiness and frankly your own mental health

What to do - work on you - stop rushing from relationship to relationship and give yourself time on your own

It is not inevitable that you will end up with OLD guy, but you are going to have to work really hard on yourself and be very strong and resolute (perhaps with the aid of some therapy) in order not to keep repeating the same pattern.

Good luck.

Run for your fucking life. He is completely and utterly bad for you. You need a real partner, not a broken project you can never repair. Run run run.

He sounds awful. Leave him and be on your own for a while.

Honestly I would leave your current partner and be on you own for a while.

This!

You sound unhappy. A break will do you good.
Spend some time alone and then you may decide to get back together or to go on the dating apps and find someone else.

If you were in an unhappy relationship before you need to heal yourself before you can get into another relationship.

You are not responsible for his choices - including his suicide threats (and they are threats to stop you feeling able to leave if you want to).

You need a good healthy amount of time to yourself. An emotional detox.