I've made such a mess of things and I don't know what to do.

[CiderWithRosiee]

NC but been here for years - naice ham, Pom Bears, cancel the cheque, etc, etc. I'll try to keep this brief. Please be kind, I am aware I have fucked up massively and I'm not proud of myself.

I've been with DP for nearly two years. We got together almost instantly after my marriage ended (exH was abusive and my decision making was possibly not at its best) and he moved in last year. He's a lovely guy, and he adores me, but he has flaws. He has some pretty severe mental health problems, which he won't accept or seek help for. He has an addiction, which he also doesn't see a problem with, and he games a lot too. He doesn't do much else. He can be affectionate when he wants to be, but he doesn't really like me being affectionate or trying to be intimate unless he says so. There's a pretty big mismatch between our sex drives (mine is much much higher) which leads to a lot of frustration on my part. But when we do have sex it's amazing, and he's so sweet and loving, and I do love him very much. He's just very closed off most of the time.

The last few months have been very difficult. My mental health has been at an all time low after a severe trauma last year and I've been feeling ignored and neglected. I ended up downloading a dating app and chatting to a couple of men on there. I just wanted to feel attractive and wanted, which I know is no excuse, but I wasn't looking for an affair or anything. I ended up really hitting it off with one of them though, and I would definitely be in with a chance with him, but I don't know what to do. DP has told me so often that he can't live without me, and he has been suicidal many times before. I think if I tell him it's over he will do something stupid, and I really don't want him to hurt himself. I also realise that jumping straight into something else isn't the best idea, but it's more the fact that talking to this guy has made me realise that I could have more, if that makes sense?

What do I do MN? I'm sure you'll all tell me that the answer is obvious but I really don't want to hurt DP. I could probably just carry on as I have been, but I won't be truly happy. But is my happiness more important than his? It's all a mess. Please help me.

Hu Op
Your boyfriend sounds like hard work to be with in a relantship like a very major project you are trying to fanthom out,work in progress.

My advice is to move on from your Current Partner you have got.

You are not responsible for him,he is a big boy who can take care of himself,responsible.
His emotional baggage was allready there, well before you come along on his scene.

And to stop being on dating APS for a good while.
Work out why you constantly need the attention/validates by the opposite sex so often???😕

(If need be even explore,find out what kinds of therapies would be most beneficial/suitable to help you understand yourself better for e.g why do you repeat same pattern in relantships??

(Be your own work in progress project instead of your Partners.

Let your DP down gently (and don't fall for the 'I'll kill mused rhetoric' - you're not rehab for all and sundry) and date, but don't get involved with anyone. do the freedom programme and assert some boundaries.

But he wasn’t ‘there for you’ , he was just ‘there’, gaming, addicted, closed off.

He could seek help for his MH, but doesn’t. He could seek help for his addiction, but won’t because he doesn’t even see an issue. He rarely wants to have sex with you.

Look: you can’t actually have a relationship with an addict because the addiction will always be the strongest force. He will always prioritise his addiction.

Your OL communication has shown you that there are people out there to choose from.

Leave this man. You are not responsible for his happiness and you need to show to your own self that your happiness is actually important to YOU.

Do not start a new relationship until you have at least done the Freedom Programme online.

Good luck OP.

You can't stay with someone it fundamentally isn't working with just because they'd be rilly rilly sad if you left. Everyone is sad when a relationship ends. If he can't cope without one, it's on him to do the work on his mental health to get to where he can. You can't do it for him.

Besides, it's a patronising and ultimately cruel thing to do. "I don't actually want to be here, but I'm going to stay while hating you more every day, because you just can't cope without me, poor lamb." Would you want to be with someone who was thinking that about you? It's selfish, not kind, it's about you not wanting to do the hard thing.

You need to split from this guy and stay alone, not keep jumping from one bad relationship to another.

Ending things with your bf would be a good decision in a series of bad ones.

Please be single for a while, give yourself time to learn from your mistakes instead of making new ones.

Maybe do some soul searching and figure out why your sense of self is so shaky you cannot be without a man.

Hi, sorry for disappearing, thanks for all your replies. You're all saying the same, very wise, things so I'll just reply generally..

DP doesn't work, no. He's done odd jobs here and there but nothing substantial or long term. I know I keep saying it but he isn't a terrible person - he's just been through some shit, we both have.

I've been furloughed for most of the last nine months and have been using the time to 'work on myself', which I think is why I'm feeling like this relationship isn't right. I have a much better sense of what I want and deserve now, and I know I don't have to put up with less.

I'm not going to jump straight into another relationship with OLD guy. He's great and has given me a real boost but I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I don't think I need validation from the opposite sex, not at all. I was just feeling very down, and very unattractive (because of the near-constant rejection) and it was just nice to be reminded that I am a human being, and that I am still here, still me.

I'm not staying with DP out of pity. He's like my best friend, I can talk to him so easily and he gives great cuddles, but there just isn't much else there anymore. I just think his poor mental health and negative outlook on life affects him too much for him to have a normal relationship.

I know what I need to do, but I know it's going to hurt him, and I would never be able forgive myself if he did something to hurt himself because of that. But I also know, deep down, that I can't stay with him just because of that.

Thank you again for all of your advice, I am taking it all on board.

OP you came out of a bad relationship and because your defences were down you got with anyone that gave you tenderness and kindness.

The reality of this relationship now is that he wasn’t a great catch either.

Just because he isn’t beating you up doesn’t mean he is a good partner.

Also what you’ve got to stop doing is going from one relationship to the other. Your not giving yourself chance to process what your allowing or build yourself esteem up to the point you only want the best for yourself.

Finish with him. But spend time alone building yourself back up again and focusing on you. So when you are ready to meet some one again you will only go for some one who is perfect for you

Be single for at least a year.

Stumbling out an abusive marriage in to a relationship with someone with MH and addiction issues and who sounds like a drain on your happiness wasn’t a great move. Seeking validation from randoms online as a way out of this shit relationship isnt going to end well for you either.

Take some time out from dating.

He sounds like a right man child, and the speed with which you entered a relationship with him meant you didn't see that until it was too late.

You're supporting him financially. Does he even do the majority of the housework while you're working? Or does he just sit on his arse smoking weed and gaming? Neither of which I have an objection to, as long as you're pulling your weight... But it sounds like he's not.

Long term you may actually do him a favour - it may give him the reality check he needs to get his shit together and sort out his MH.

He doesn’t have to be a bad person to be a ‘not good’ partner.

Well done OP, for using lockdown to recalibrate your own sense of self worth, it isn’t an easy thing to do.

The truth is that by giving him a place to live (I presume he does not contribute a full, fair share of costs?) and staying in a relationship that gives him closeness and sex when he wants it, leaves him free to get in with his gaming, addiction (is it weed?) and not addressing his MH issues, you are actually enabling him.

Your luxury (if you like) of having someone there, a friend, someone better than the previous abuser, is not healthy for either of you. And it isn’t honest to either of you, either.

He will be upset. But he hasn’t done anything to address any of the issues that would make this a good relationship for you. So whose responsibility is his upset?

"Hes a lovely guy". And then you proceed to list all the reasons he very clearly is not a lovely guy ans not the right guy for you. Not least of which is that he is controlling you by threatening suicide?!?

Dump him. But do not start a new relationship because it sounds like you ready need to work on yourself.

@grecianurn82

Honestly I would leave your current partner and be on you own for a while.

This

Honestly- you've gone from an abuser, to someone who is emotionally shut down.
You need to be validated by mens attention.
Learn to stand on your own two feet!

You're having an emotional affair. Let's not dress it up, you're cheating.

What a mess. As others have said, you need to be on your own for a while (months, years, not weeks), and get some self respect.

Just end it, ffs. Like is too short and you're not responsible for his mental health.

But is my happiness more important than his? You asked, the answer is a simple yes. Until you get that this should always be true, for anyone you are with, you will be open to abusive relationships.
This strikes me as a fundamental problem, always care about your happiness above everything.
Threatening suicide just shows that you should get out of this asap. You are not responsible for the consequences. Both you, and he, are likely basing your happiness on someone else and trying to live your lives though others. You are repeating this pattern, by lining a next one up as your current one is on the fall. You really need to be on your own for a while. Stop looking for whose next, as it really is better to have a break between relationships, especially ones that have gone badly. You need to get to a point where the fear of being in a bad one is greater than being on your own - btw, being on you own can be very rewarding, you will get to know yourself. I bet you've spent too long thinking of someone else's needs so you've lost yourself. The sooner you end this, the less painful for him, you can't avoid pain, it's a risk we all take when entering a relationship that it might end, that's just a fact of life.