Talk to me about.. Financial Control

[secrettwitcher]

So here we are 29th of the month, delayed direct debits hit my account this morning totalling over £600 mostly household bills. I've used savings again to clear them because I refuse to ask my H for money. I have repeatedly asked that I'm 'paid' by the 21st each month so I can ensure all direct debits are paid on time.. we've had this discussion many times. I'm self employed billed through his company so my invoices get paid into his business. He then pays me that money and £300 extra to top up my money .. I have no access to the business accounts despite asking several times. I hit the roof in October about him failing to pay me on time! In the past I've have failed direct debits and it has affected my credit rating, I've been working hard behind the scenes to save a buffer because this keeps happening. Is this financial control? He's managed to pay others before Christmas and send money to his other children (rightly so) for Christmas.. but never thought to ask me if I needed money for presents etc.

If you are working for your DH's business then you absolutely should be paid on time same as an other employee

I'd be tempted to get a job working elsewhere if he can't be relied onto pay you on time

Its hard to say if it's deliberate financial control or whether he is just disorganised. You must surely know which it is?

He spends all this time doing the accounts at the weekend and filling in spreadsheets I find it hard to understand how he could forget! I work for a company on a contract basis which is invoiced via his company, if I could leave the kids and do a real job outside these four walls I'd be there in a shot. I took a step back to be a SAHM almost 10 years ago which was agreed.. fast forward to now I'm stick with it!

Yes it's controlling.

Is he your only employer? If so, wtf aren't you PAYE with all the benefits that comes from being an employee like holiday pay etc? Common thing for businesses to have their employees declared as self employed when they're not really. It's illegal. It's so the employer can get out of paying employers national insurance, pension provision and holiday pay etc.

Even if you're genuinely self employed, what a-hole leaves their partners invoices unpaid as long as possible? Leaving anyone's invoices unpaid as long as possible says a lot about someone's character tbh.

Obvious solution for you is to get a job working for someone else. You're self employed so no need to give notice. Just get another job. And don't tell him until after you've been paid for the current lot, because otherwise you'll never see the money. If he pays you late be 'too ill to work' until such point as you've been paid. Lots of shoddy cash in hand type employers pay employees later and later each month until they're months behind, to effectively ensure they can never leave (because if they do they'll never see the money).

But the main question is why are you paying all the household bills? Does he pay something else like rent and food? Whatever the dynamics, he's treating you with disrespect, no doubt about it. That's not a kind thing to do to your partner, paying them late so their credit rating is bad

Sorry cross posted, I see you've added more info. You're not a SAHM, you're working. You need to have a discussion with him about your role in this relationship and also consider whether this relationship works for you at all any more. He's trying to have his cake and eat it. If he was the one who pushed you to give up work (although you haven't you're still working) then that would be more signs of control, because you're now dependent on him where you weren't before.

I think I was dependent on him.. the job I gave up I'd worked my way up so to speak and was highly regarded. Just over a year after leaving ft employment and being home they asked me to do some contract work from home 15/20 hrs a week. That had to be reduced down because I just couldn't cope with 2 under 2 and all the constant emails and found myself working late at night. My H often works away so no childcare (isn't any when he's here to be fair)! I reduced my hours down to 10 and it's now manageable around kids. One home schooling FT and the other in school when it's open! When I sit and ponder I see the constraints, no access to bank accounts is a big one. When working away I'd be sent the odd £100 here and there ..only if I asked. Honestly I know the answers to the sh*t I'm just having a day of thinking is it really that bad... sorry I'm off to find my big girl pants 😔

Why is the money coming out of an account that is your responsibility? Where do his wages go? This is all wrong.

That's really awful. God knows what goes on in some people's minds.

On another note, it'll be hard for you to find work as long as you're home educating a child. Is he/she really not suited for school?

It is controlling if you are working for a third party and this money is paid to your DH company. Is it in the same line of work?

Do you work for his business, or do contracting through his. If the latter, can’t you set up your own company and receive the money directly. With regards to the bills, could you put them in his name instead? And ask him to transfer you £3,600 to cover the years worth.

I wonder if one of those direct debits is maybe a Sky package or similar, something for him that he requested you pay? Cancel it. When it is queried, ask for a standing order to your bank from his account. Might focus his mind a bit.

It is abuse. It is deliberate. Is he making some point about how important he is or his money is? Perhaps he enjoys having you beg for money to pay bills. Warped and twisted.
Did the mum of his other dc screw him over money? Has that affected him?
Good you have an account and have some savings.

Time for a part time/weekend/evening job and a plan with a time frame.
I divorced my exh because of his Lord of the Manor attitude to 'his' money(and other reasons) It made my vagina shrivel up in the end.
Good luck OP x

ooops x post!

You aren't a child asking for pocket money - you are working for a wage. This isn't acceptable in any circumstance.

@HollowTalk one of my children really didn't cope well with mainstream school so decided it was best to keep him off until a suitable setting is found - near impossible with the current situation but I have the wheels in motion. Both have SEN and I've stayed home really to keep the consistent routine going for them. Great kids and doing fab but I've done it with very little support. I've been very lucky because the work I do do is remote and flexible. I don't work 'for him' and wouldn't ever consider that.

I need to get my head in the right place, I'm not sure how I've let this all happen but I need to stand tall and get this sorted.

It sounds like the scales are falling from your eyes op. Good luck with sorting this out.

no only is it bad about paying you - why are you covering household bills

If you don't work 'for' him then I would change your invoicing practices and invoice your hiring company direct. I can't see any benefit to you (even without the controlling element) in having him process your invoices, can't even see how that would be beneficial for tax reasons given you work 10 hours per week.

Call your hirer and tell them you're changing invoice info from 1 Jan and invoice yourself. It's a piece of piss to do. And yes, you'll then have to do a tax return but that's easy.

If it's not working for you change the arrangements. Tell the firm you freelance for that you are now going to be paid directly and send them your Bank Account details then tell him this has happened when you get your next pay. Also if you have ended up with joint direct debits coming out of your account then tell him they need to be moved to a separate account in both your names and he will need to transfer in x (proportionate % of bills according to your separate earnings) and you will put in y. If he argues then just tell him that you have been left carrying the can too many times for any alternative now. In answer to your question he is financially abusive because he knows precisely what he's doing. No one 'forgets' to pay their partner repeatedly without doing it on purpose.

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett thanks, your right. He has me down as a company director because he was struck off.. I knew nothing of this for some time but he's a cunning sh*t to say the least. God it's such a mess, I can't hide from this anymore.

Absolutely you are being financially abused.

Please contact Women's Aid for advice and support.

Presumably you and him live together and you both have shared children? So yes, you shouldn't have to ask him for money and the fact he makes you each month is about control (especially since he manages to pay all of his other "employees" on time.

Get a proper job and transfer all direct debits to a joint account,

Or divorce him and make him pay you maintenance.

If it's financial abuse or just shit with money it needs sorting!

You need to put your big girl pants on and tell him you need access to all bank accounts, company ones and personal ones so you can take back some control.

Do you pay any bills of his, such as mo old bills or car etc? If you do, these are the ones you stop paying first if he can't sort this out

@secrettwitcher you seriously need to take legal advice. As a Director you are responsible for what is going on in the company. If he commits fraud you could end up in prison for it.

Also he has to have forged your signature if you didn't know you were a Company Director because you would have had to sign the declaration. Who holds the shares in the company and who is the other Director/Company Secretary? You desperately need to take legal advice as this is serious stuff.

Never signed anything, I'll seek advice. I've just hidden away knowing it's all wrong but too bogged down with the kids and other crap to give it my attention. If I'm honest I feel like I've been sinking for some time. Today is a bit of a clarity moment and it's been brewing for a while.

Woah, hang on you're a director, he's struck off and you don't know what's going on with the finances?

That's really serious. You need legal advice pronto.