I'm NC with my dad but a relative has said he's physically unable to apologise do you believe that can be true ?

[islockdownoveryet]

To cut a long story short I'm NC with my dad for almost 2 years now.
After many years of toxic behaviour from my dad I had enough .
My dad sent me emails that were quite clearly unhinged saying nasty things about my dh my in-laws none of which are true .
It broke my heart and that was final nail and as far as I'm concerned we will never speak again .
He actually doesn't think he's in the wrong will never ever apologise which I honestly don't get but I've come to terms with it's his loss .
I spoke to a relative over Christmas (my aunt my dads sister ) and she said he simply doesn't know how to nor can apologise implying it's not his fault .
I didn't believe it nor want to get into this with her but what's she suggesting is I forgive him as he can't help it .
I can't believe anyone can't see and admit when they are cruel and then apologise.
Has anyone else have toxic relatives and do they think if that's how they are it should be put up with, or do you think everyone has control over their emotions and the ability to realise and admit you are wrong that's what makes us human right?

I suppose he may have some kind of personality disorder which makes him pathologically incapable of accepting that he has done wrong but even if that is possible and is the case, you’re not obliged to accommodate it. My mum started saying some very unkind things when she developed a brain tumour but, from what you say, he has always been like this so it doesn’t sound physical.

I think that some people have personality disorders that make them unpleasant to be around. But that hardly means you have to be around them, does it?

Well I'd be interested to know if he's never apologised to someone at work. Including a boss. Or in a situation where he thought he had something to lose.

My mother can't apologise either. She's also toxic and I'm NC. Thing is, one day when I was in my twenties she let rip at a colleague. I'm assuming in a way similar to how she did at me throughout my childhood. I overheard her on the phone in the evening apologising profusely to her. It was utterly shocking: was the first time I'd heard her genuinely apologise.

Obvs she was only genuine in the apology because she'd have been disciplined had her colleague complained.

So the inability to apologise indicates more what they think they're going to lose, than a physical inability (short of brain damage). If something ranks more than their narcissistic egos, then it'll get an apology. Otherwise, shit out of luck.

Bottom line is this: are you happier without you father in your life? Would you like to end the NC and go back to how things were? Those are the important questions, not other people's opinions. If they want to deal with his crap, that's their choice.

Wonder what your flying monkey of a relative would say if you said, 'oh I know, I'm physically incapable of forgiving someone who behaves like that without an apology, so sad isn't it'

Clearly, he has beaten you Aunt, (his sister) into submission many many years ago!

Sounds like his sister may be trying to enable him; something she may have been doing for lo these many years. There's no such thing as being unable to apologise, apart from advanced brain and language problems, but there is certainly such a thing as refusing to.

Ignore her. Your DF can get in touch to apologise at anytime if he wants to.
As for his sister, ask her whether she would help him learn to walk if he lost the ability. If she says yes, of course, suggest she eat she helps him learn to apologise. It's a very teachable thing. All it needs is for him to want to learn.

So if your dad turned round in a pub and knocked the pint glass from a 6'5" rugby player's hand, he wouldn't say, "Sorry, mate, let me buy you another"?

Unless he's had his tongue removed, he isn't physically impossible of saying sorry. She's just been forced to submit to him and believes his crackpot bullshit. That's her problem if she wants to do that, stick to your guns. He just doesn't want to apologise because he thinks he is right. He isn't.

He is not worthy of your forgiveness.
He is not worthy of being in your life.
You are better off without him.

Keep repeating that until you believe it.

I went NC with may dad over very similar issues. A similarly enabling female relative played flying monkey. She was implying that I should just accept who he was, forgive and move on. I knew if I did that it would be accepting my dads version of the world which included his views on my DH so I resisted. The guilt tripping from her was unbelievable!

We eventually reconciled and I am now in very low contact, it helps family harmony. I suppose I got an apology - brief contrite mumbling (blink and you'll miss it!) and a backtrack on previously held views, but there wouldn't be a peep out of him these days as he knows I'll walk.

Stay strong, you know the truth. He can behave how he wants. You don't have to accept that behaviour - you can behave as you want and stay away from the toxicity. In order to do this you will have to learn to not care one jot about what your aunt thinks of you.

Does your Dad expect people to apologise to him, if they wrong him?

Thinking about that he must have apologised for things like if you bump into someone you say sorry and he must have apologised to my dm over the years when they have had rows.
So yes I think my aunt is wrong , she says he is sorry but doesn't know how to say so .
I definitely won't be forgiving and forgetting any time soon . To let it go would be enabling his behaviour I feel .
If he even acknowledged that how he behaves is hurtful and wrong but he doesn't he turns it on me for example years ago before I went NC when we still got along ok he said he would look at my washing machine but he turned up at the time I was cooking dc his dinner so for him to fix washing machine I'd have to stop .
Dc was only young at the time and I explained this to my dad that it wasn't convenient that minute. How my days behaved was like a switch had flicked he just spouted such venom and hatred we were all shocked and stunned to silence. my dh said he'd never seen anything like it . He didn't say so but I actually think he was afraid . I spoke to my mum who just said I thought you wanted him to come round oh well never mind then .
My dad didn't speak to me then for 6 months . This is how petty he is I'm not sure how that was my fault I understand if he was a bit annoyed that he'd called round and I was busy with my dc but what grandparent would insist that their young dgc would wait for his dinner because he had to do this and storm off in a rage then not speak for 6 months to any of us ? .
It's many many things like this over the years where he has behaved badly and then made out it was somehow my fault .

Sorry that was a long post .

Stay NC OP.

Ignore your aunt.

Enjoy a peaceful life.

No one is physically incapable of apologising. The idea is ridiculous. Any barrier is all in the mind.

Oh for fuck's sake.

No, he's just a SELFISH FUCKING WANKER... and if he were female, your aunt would probably be saying so instead of parroting the 'poor man and his feelings, he just can't help being an utter bellend and you, the woman, have to forgive because that's your role as the lesser human' line.

That's my take on it.

Selfish fucking entitled men helped to be that way by everyone around them.

Either ignore the apologist, or reply 'What, you mean he literally cannot function as a human being, and has no mental capacity? Wow, probably a good thing I don't give a shit about allowing him any of my airspace any more - he's wasted enough of it over the years. Good luck with him, then - bye!'

I spoke to a relative over Christmas (my aunt my dads sister ) and she said he simply doesn't know how to nor can apologise implying it's not his fault .

His fingers were clearly functioning when he sent his nasty emails. No reason (barring physical disabilities) that he can't use them to send an apology.

Not wanting to admit that you're wrong is not the same as being physically incapable of doing so.

Ignore the aunt.

My mum was like this. Very nasty to people, would never apologise. Would just ignore the person for a few weeks after being vile and then swan back in, like nothing had happened. When I called her out on it and told her she had to apologise to me she ignored me for the next six years until she died. While telling everyone I was NC with her. Which I guess I was, however she had been clearly told the ball was in her court to sort it out. She chose not to, while telling every what a wicked person I was to refuse to have anything to do with her.

I agree I just wanted other opinions as my quite usually intelligent aunt made me think not that I agree with her opinion.

Exactly that I think @ZipLips

Was your aunt brought up by someone who taught her that? Does your dad act like his and her dad used to?

I’ve had a very similar situation and my aunt made my dad apologise to me, which he then did as he listens to his sister. However, everyone in the family now thinks that because he apologised that everything is now resolved and ok.

The apology hasn’t really made a difference to me because I know he didn’t really mean it and only apologised as he thought that everything would then go back to normal. I know that he doesn’t think he did anything wrong in the first place.

So what I’m saying, is that an apology might not help you if your dad doesn’t really believe that he did wrong in the first place. I am also very LC with my dad now, and my mum who enables him.

I'm NC with both my parents and have been for 7 years.

I firmly believe that one of the best things about being an adult is that you get to choose who you have in your life. I don't think anyone who is able to communicate can be 'physically' unable to say sorry, but I do think that some people are unable to every see themselves as being in the wrong or feel remorse. My mother is like this and genuinely believes that she is a good person, it's bizarre but some people just cannot see their own behaviour for what it is.

If your dad is like this then there is no hope, just leave him to it and get on with your own life. Tell meddling relatives to keep out of it too.

It doesn’t matter really though. Maybe he could say the words but he wouldn’t mean it
If you are happier being NC then stay that way

Well not physically incapable lol because presumably he can speak.

Likely a narcissist or similar who often would never dream of apologising because their entire mindset is 'fuck you'.

But why would that mean we should allow these ppl around us. If a diagnosed psychopath chooses to kill someone does that mean we should forgive them and hang around with them? No.

It may well be his nature, but that doesn't excuse it. Or mean you should forgive it.

Even if your aunt is a smart woman does not mean she’s not capable of being totally wrong when it comes to this.

He has a tongue mouth and brain of course he can apologise. He just doesn’t want to. Because he thinks he is right.

You don’t have to put up with this. Stay NC!